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6 Movie Monsters That Just Wouldn't Work

#3.
Clover

As seen in: Cloverfield

"Now, hold on Cracked," you say, "there is no way anyone could figure out what the Cloverfield monster looked like from that shaky cell-phone-camera footage they called a movie." You obviously haven't seen the licensed Clover doll.


Sorry, we meant the licensed Clover action figure.

Or the painstakingly detailed (fictional) background created to promote the thing. And if you did, you'd know that Clover came from the bottom of the ocean where it laid dormant for thousands of years before it was disturbed by a corrupt Japanese corporation, who were also the ones accidentally feeding it the steroids that got it so big. So, basically, Clover is like Sleeping Beauty, if Sleeping Beauty awoke in the ocean with a bad case of 'roid rage and the munchies.

Why We Call Bullshit:

If it could survive at the bottom of the ocean, it sure as hell couldn't wreak havoc on dry land. Hell, it couldn't have even made the swim.


And the obvious answer, some type of seal-monster, is just too cute and blubbery.

First of all, this creature had literally never lived anywhere else up to the events of the movie, so suddenly emerging from the sea and tromping around Times Square would be the equivalent of a newborn human baby surviving on the surface of Mars without a space suit. Even if the thing is built like a crab (which breathes water but also has the ability to survive for long stretches out of it), those air-breathing parts haven't gotten used for millennia.

But all of that is moot, because while the New York Harbor is pretty disgusting what with all the dead hookers and toxic refuse, it doesn't come close to being salty enough to be livable for a deep-sea behemoth. If they had just shot this movie on a cruise ship in the middle of the Atlantic or something, there would be no problem--but apparently they just couldn't pass up an opportunity to destroy the Statue of Liberty yet again.


Seriously, science fiction, what the fuck do you have against Lady Liberty?

#2.
The Alien Bugs

As seen in: Starship Troopers

The Bugs in Starship Troopers are an alien race, sometimes known as Arachnids, even though they have no resemblance to Earth arachnids, but whatever. The point is, they're hostile and they're huge. The warrior bugs were the ones we see the most in the movie and they were nine feet long. The brain bug was bigger, but it didn't look much like a bug at all...


Because it looked like ass.

Why We Call Bullshit:

Bugs could have never evolved to that size on their planet.

You might be wondering why giant bugs are so impossible, seeing as how pretty big ones existed on Earth in prehistoric times. Here's the deal: Several million years ago, the oxygen content was a good 50 to 60 percent higher than it is now, which is important because as you increase the size of an insect its trachea (breathing tubes) grow exponentially faster than the rest of it, until they take up too much of its body mass for it to function.


Good luck trying to exist, douchebag.

Now, since the humans in the movie don't wear any sort of breathing apparatus while on the Bug planet, Klendathu, we can assume they also breathe the same nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere we do. And since humans can't breathe higher oxygen concentrations without side effects like lung damage and blindness, the oxygen level on the Klendathu must be around modern-day levels. Which in turn means that the soldiers should actually be fighting six-inch long bugs.


Wait, this was supposed to be less terrifying.

Then again, it's possible that the soldiers were wearing some sort of Darth Vader-esque respirators under their skin. If that's the case, then all they would need to defeat the Bugs would be a single soldier, a pile of bricks and a good throwing arm.

For the same reason that a drinking straw gets easier to bend if you put a kink in it, bugs have exoskeletons that will buckle if you hit them with enough. So if you loft a cement block or two at one of the Bug's legs, it would collapse faster than a house of cards on the deck of the Titanic. Suffice to say that the war (and Casper van Dien's career) would be over in a matter of days.

#1.
Everything on Pandora

As seen in: Avatar

Unlike Sarlacc up there, the Na'vi of Pandora look like something you'd maybe want to get to know. Or at least wouldn't run from in pants-wetting terror. In fact, everything on Pandora has a vague Earthy look to it. Probably to secure the viewers' sympathies, not because James Cameron couldn't come up with more original looking creatures. Totally not that.

Why We Call Bullshit:

Because the idea that an almost identical humanoid organism could independently evolve on another planet is ludicrous.

Out of the millions upon millions of species that exist on Earth, there was only ever one intelligent bipedal primate: humanity. Finding a race of whatevers who look almost exactly like us plus a few extra eyes, some body paint and smoking hot bodies isn't just wishful thinking, it's plain stupid. And especially if you're an amazingly popular and powerful director with access to billions of dollars worth of cutting-edge CGI so there's literally no limit to the creatures you can come up with.

They could look like anything. Monkey-faced bar stools. Spleens with Care Bear icons for mouths. Anything! But why bother with all that originality business when you can come up with something that looks exactly like goddamn humans, albeit ones who have been dropped in a vat of blue dye and then undergone horrific plastic surgery to look more like cats.


Not content with this bit of biological plagiarism, James Cameron also applied the same "take two Earth animals and combine them" principle to every other creature on Pandora with equally absurd results.

In the final analysis, though, we can understand why Cameron decided to go for the unrealistic Earth-based approach. Sure, it may have made more biological sense for Jake Sully to fall in love with, say, a sentient ball of tar. But that would have deprived the viewing audience of something far more important than scientific accuracy: alien boobies.

But all he needed to do was add about two sentences in the script. Here:

SULLY
You know, it's amazing how 100 years ago we humans populated Pandora
with species really similar to what we had on Earth, as an experiment.

COLONEL MILES
And now we gonna' kill 'em all!

There. Plot hole plugged, geeks are happy. Then you might have a movie that would make some money.

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