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If you think the Star Wars saga just encompasses six films and one Christmas special, well, we envy you. Because the reality is, in the last 30-plus years of Star Wars there have been countless games, comics, novels, cartoons, TV specials and coloring books. And since George Lucas's approval process apparently involves handing a rubber stamp to a five-year-old, this "extended universe" has given us a handful of explosively retarded characters. Like... #6.
Ikrit
From: The novels. We're not talking about the kid here. The kid is Anakin Solo, the son of Han and Leia. Ikrit is the Trix Rabbit monstrosity sitting on the kid's shoulders, and guess what? That's not his pet, that's his Jedi fucking Master. This is the post-Return of the Jedi universe, where Jedis in training have the privilege of being taught by Luke "actual for real Jedi" Skywalker. Meanwhile, in a world where the Force can be passed on to a farm boy via Jedi man-batter, the genetically-privileged offspring of two people who spent their first date saving the universe from the forces of evil is being mentored by puss in freaking boots. Hell, why not just send him to public school?
According to the Junior Jedi Knights series of novels about the Skywalker/Solo children, Ikrit was trained by Yoda centuries before the events in any of the movies, because in the Star Wars universe muppets have a longer lifespan than most modern nations. After somehow passing Jedi School, Ikrit went into exile for 400 years, presumably because someone locked him in a garage without a cat door, before Han's batshit crazy child found him and eagerly accepted the opportunity to be trained by the mystical rodent. Why He Doesn't Belong:
Probably Ikrit's most glaring deficiency would be the lack of opposable thumbs, something a Jedi would find pretty crucial in the operation of a lightsaber. Even Yoda could switch one on and pump up the jams like House Party 3, so as far as we're concerned Ikrit has no excuse. Also, we just can' t picture something that looks this much like a Care Bear going toe to toe against somebody like Darth Vader. #5.
Ziro
From: Star Wars: The Clone Wars video game During the Clone Wars (between Episode II: Attack of the Clones and Episode III: Revenge of the Sith) Ziro is the most notorious Hutt crime-lord on Coruscant, and he's also totally fabulous.
This tattooed, peacock-feather wearing villain first appeared in The Clone Wars movie as one of the main antagonists, and is Jabba the Hutt's embarrassing uncle. You know, the kind of uncle that shows up at family reunions and makes all of your female cousins really uncomfortable. Ziro speaks English instead of the cool, guttural Huttese language spoken by every other Hutt in a voice that seems more than slightly inspired by the openly gay author Truman Capote. It's also worth noting that Lucas is listed as a Producer of the animated film, which means he was probably at least aware the character existed before the game was released, once again confirming that George Lucas has lost his fucking mind.
Ziro's voice--along with his fashionably dyed purple skin and luminous yellow tattoos--presumably makes him the first openly homosexual Star Wars character (C-3PO is a robot so he doesn't count) so we guess that's some kind of civil rights milestone. Then again, he spends his time hanging out in his neon-lit apartment (which he describes as his "pleasure palace"), steals baby slugs and uncomfortably strokes his vast army of droid man-slaves. So evidently the first gay Star Wars character also had to be a depraved sexual lunatic.
Why He Doesn't Belong: Did the first gay Star Wars character have to be a creepy, purple, gangster slug? We're already trying to justify the fantastically racist Jar Jar Binks, the mincing gilded nancybot C-3PO, the vaguely Jewish/Middle Eastern swindler Watto and the fact that Darth Vader suddenly started speaking with the voice of a black man when he turned evil. Give us a little help here, guys. #4.
Mount Sorrow
From: The Ewok Adventures (comic) Meet Mount Sorrow, a sentient, talking mountain on the forest moon of Endor. In the above picture you can see him in his first (and only) appearance in the Ewok Adventures comic book, because as the writers soon realized, it is difficult to make a recurring character out of a giant stationary land mass.
Mount Sorrow is named as such because his tears have the power to cure anyone of any ailment or illness. As luck would have it, he is constantly depressed and near suicidal, probably because he's a fucking rock on a moon full of Ewoks.
Why He Doesn't Belong: OK, the Star Wars universe is a fantastical place. We get it. We just can't imagine a moment in the original trilogy where Luke Skywalker would travel to a world of teddy bears and try to get a talking mountain to cry enough magical tears to heal his severed hand. |
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Nice article. Although my inner nerd is telling me to point out that the Octobrain and Space Bunny Jedi could still hold lightsabers. Y'know, with the force...
Retards are Retarded and ppl who b***h about it being offensive are just pussies. It's the internet nobody gives a f**k. Enjoy the article or get the f**k out you sensitive little p***ks.
Retards are Retarded and ppl who b***h about it being offensive are just pussies. It's the internet nobody gives a f**k. Enjoy the article or get the f**k out you sensitive little p***ks.
Jaxxon reminds me of Jazz Jackrabbit. Retarded people are retarded. They are suffering from the illness Mental Retardation. Perhaps he could have titled the article '6 Star Wars Characters not suitable for film because they are designed as if by a Retard'? Ironically one of the characters on this list was apparently too 'gay' for film.
"The use of the word "Retarded" is highly offensive and hurtful. By using such a word, you are contributing to the stigmatization of people who have mental illnesses. Despite what people may think, they are not "crazy" or "retarded" but they are sick and in need of wellness." Two thoughts immediately occur: Firstly, the word 'crazy' means crazy. Oh, you can sub in 'mentally ill' for 'crazy' if you wish, and 'differently abled' for 'cripple', but a person with schizophrenia is crazy, as surely as a person with polio is crippled. I suggest that you have rather gotten the cart before the horse: the reason that "crazy" is pejorative is that it means what it does. It happens to any word that is used to mean what "crazy" means. 'Retarded' itself is, of course, a euphemism in its own right. Secondly, would you prefer they use the word "gay"?
Why does c3px have a package?
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The person below me has a stick up his arse.
To whom it may concern, I was reviewing some of the material and realized that there were some articles that stand out to me for negative reasons. The use of the word "Retarded" is highly offensive and hurtful. The fact that writers use it in such a nonchalant way is rude. It is similar to any other stereotype or internalized prejudice. By using such a word, you are contributing to the stigmatization of people who have mental illnesses. Despite what people may think, they are not "crazy" or "retarded" but they are sick and in need of wellness. By using such terminology against them it appears that you are alluding to the fact that it is something that they are in control of and are choosing to act in a way that goes against the norm. I am in no way trying to be rude myself. I merely wanted to stress the importance to you that, along with all other stereotypes, we should act in a way that is truthful and honest. That way, in my opinion, is through acceptance of all people. Use of such demeaning words promotes divisions in society, which although natural and necessary, are sometimes (knowingly or not) capable of excluding certain types of people due to their stigma. It is for this reason that we should strive to be more sensitive with the use of stereotypical words because for some people they mean different things. All I ask is that you review your material more closely through a lens that may help to filter out some of the negative words used to generalize and describe certain groups of people, especially those used to describe the psychologically ill. These people are similar to patients of medical doctors who are fighting disease and should be embraced and taken care of, not continually stigmatized and hurt. Thank you for your consideration. Sincerely, Danielle T Counseling Student
"Trying to make a killing machine out of a protocol droid is like tying a grenade launcher to a housecat. An assassin can't inspire fear if your first instinct is to laugh at it and your second is to just push it over." Ahahahahaha genius
They couldn't use Holiday Special characters, because those characters 'made it to film'. I tried watching it once, but it was so bad that I had to stop. I read a story about Lumpacca once (Lumpy's full name). In it, he spent the whole time playing MMOs until he decided to go have a real life adventure, and went chasing after some murderous thugs that broke into Chewbacca's apartment.
Really, none of the Holiday Special characters made it? Lumpy, the Pudgy, whiny son-of- Chewie. The old-dirty-minded wookie with an underbite so bad it swallows his nose that is Itchy. Harvey Korman's three-armed Julia Childs rip-off or Golden Girl Bea Arthur as a cantina barmaid that sings.
As to Ziro the Hutt. I'm just curious. How can they call him openly h**osexual when Hutts are all hermaphrodites?
Basically because hes a big dumb rastifarian.
i would just ask why is Jar Jar Binks racist?
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Juhani was the first gay character. This is discoverable in Knights of the Old Republic while playing as a female character.
To be fair, Ooroo was good at telekinesis. He picked up and swung the lightsaber with the force, he could pick up objects around the room and throw them, he could even operate machinery by using telekinesis. The whole "wield a lightsaber telekinetically" thing was used to a greater effect by Kreia, a Jedi/Sith/Gray (she was a jedi, is outed as a sith lord, and otherwise uses gray jedi abilities) Master when she attacked the jedi exile with three lightsabers. She had one hand at that point, and she didn't hold a single lightsaber in it. She basically stood back and threw force attacks while the lightsabers did the up-close work.
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@njgruber: Aye, that was an assassin droid masquerading as a protocol droid, not a protocol droid with a bunch of guns, to argue back. Point taken however.
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