6 Star Wars Characters Too Retarded for Film

If you think the Star Wars saga just encompasses six films and one Christmas special, well, we envy you.

Because the reality is, in the last 30-plus years of Star Wars there have been countless games, comics, novels, cartoons, TV specials and coloring books. And since George Lucas's approval process apparently involves handing a rubber stamp to a five-year-old, this "extended universe" has given us a handful of explosively retarded characters.

Like...

#6.
Ikrit

From: The novels.

We're not talking about the kid here. The kid is Anakin Solo, the son of Han and Leia. Ikrit is the Trix Rabbit monstrosity sitting on the kid's shoulders, and guess what? That's not his pet, that's his Jedi fucking Master.

This is the post-Return of the Jedi universe, where Jedis in training have the privilege of being taught by Luke "actual for real Jedi" Skywalker. Meanwhile, in a world where the Force can be passed on to a farm boy via Jedi man-batter, the genetically-privileged offspring of two people who spent their first date saving the universe from the forces of evil is being mentored by puss in freaking boots. Hell, why not just send him to public school?


"Non-refundable, your training is."

According to the Junior Jedi Knights series of novels about the Skywalker/Solo children, Ikrit was trained by Yoda centuries before the events in any of the movies, because in the Star Wars universe muppets have a longer lifespan than most modern nations. After somehow passing Jedi School, Ikrit went into exile for 400 years, presumably because someone locked him in a garage without a cat door, before Han's batshit crazy child found him and eagerly accepted the opportunity to be trained by the mystical rodent.

Why He Doesn't Belong:


He could either be running from Darth Vader or a Pokemon Master.

Probably Ikrit's most glaring deficiency would be the lack of opposable thumbs, something a Jedi would find pretty crucial in the operation of a lightsaber. Even Yoda could switch one on and pump up the jams like House Party 3, so as far as we're concerned Ikrit has no excuse. Also, we just can' t picture something that looks this much like a Care Bear going toe to toe against somebody like Darth Vader.

#5.
Ziro

From: Star Wars: The Clone Wars video game

During the Clone Wars (between Episode II: Attack of the Clones and Episode III: Revenge of the Sith) Ziro is the most notorious Hutt crime-lord on Coruscant, and he's also totally fabulous.

This tattooed, peacock-feather wearing villain first appeared in The Clone Wars movie as one of the main antagonists, and is Jabba the Hutt's embarrassing uncle. You know, the kind of uncle that shows up at family reunions and makes all of your female cousins really uncomfortable. Ziro speaks English instead of the cool, guttural Huttese language spoken by every other Hutt in a voice that seems more than slightly inspired by the openly gay author Truman Capote. It's also worth noting that Lucas is listed as a Producer of the animated film, which means he was probably at least aware the character existed before the game was released, once again confirming that George Lucas has lost his fucking mind.


"George, I told you a hundred times, it's not a real laser. We don't- Those aren't real, yet, and no one would give you one anyway."

Ziro's voice--along with his fashionably dyed purple skin and luminous yellow tattoos--presumably makes him the first openly homosexual Star Wars character (C-3PO is a robot so he doesn't count) so we guess that's some kind of civil rights milestone. Then again, he spends his time hanging out in his neon-lit apartment (which he describes as his "pleasure palace"), steals baby slugs and uncomfortably strokes his vast army of droid man-slaves. So evidently the first gay Star Wars character also had to be a depraved sexual lunatic.

Why He Doesn't Belong:

Did the first gay Star Wars character have to be a creepy, purple, gangster slug? We're already trying to justify the fantastically racist Jar Jar Binks, the mincing gilded nancybot C-3PO, the vaguely Jewish/Middle Eastern swindler Watto and the fact that Darth Vader suddenly started speaking with the voice of a black man when he turned evil. Give us a little help here, guys.

#4.
Mount Sorrow

From:

The Ewok Adventures (comic)

Meet Mount Sorrow, a sentient, talking mountain on the forest moon of Endor. In the above picture you can see him in his first (and only) appearance in the Ewok Adventures comic book, because as the writers soon realized, it is difficult to make a recurring character out of a giant stationary land mass.


Pictured: Tim Taylor and his original wacky neighbor, The Grand Canyon.

Mount Sorrow is named as such because his tears have the power to cure anyone of any ailment or illness. As luck would have it, he is constantly depressed and near suicidal, probably because he's a fucking rock on a moon full of Ewoks.


Don't worry, big guy. We've all asked Lucas the same question by now.

Why He Doesn't Belong:

OK, the Star Wars universe is a fantastical place. We get it. We just can't imagine a moment in the original trilogy where Luke Skywalker would travel to a world of teddy bears and try to get a talking mountain to cry enough magical tears to heal his severed hand.