6 Star Wars Characters Too Retarded for Film
If you think the Star Wars saga just encompasses six films and one Christmas special, well, we envy you.
Because the reality is, in the last 30-plus years of Star Wars there have been countless games, comics, novels, cartoons, TV specials and coloring books. And since George Lucas's approval process apparently involves handing a rubber stamp to a five-year-old, this "extended universe" has given us a handful of explosively retarded characters.
Like...
#6.
Ikrit
From: The novels.
We're not talking about the kid here. The kid is Anakin Solo, the son of Han and Leia. Ikrit is the Trix Rabbit monstrosity sitting on the kid's shoulders, and guess what? That's not his pet, that's his Jedi fucking Master.
This is the post-Return of the Jedi universe, where Jedis in training have the privilege of being taught by Luke "actual for real Jedi" Skywalker. Meanwhile, in a world where the Force can be passed on to a farm boy via Jedi man-batter, the genetically-privileged offspring of two people who spent their first date saving the universe from the forces of evil is being mentored by puss in freaking boots. Hell, why not just send him to public school?
"Non-refundable, your training is."
According to the Junior Jedi Knights series of novels about the Skywalker/Solo children, Ikrit was trained by Yoda centuries before the events in any of the movies, because in the Star Wars universe muppets have a longer lifespan than most modern nations. After somehow passing Jedi School, Ikrit went into exile for 400 years, presumably because someone locked him in a garage without a cat door, before Han's batshit crazy child found him and eagerly accepted the opportunity to be trained by the mystical rodent.
Why He Doesn't Belong:
He could either be running from Darth Vader or a Pokemon Master.
Probably Ikrit's most glaring deficiency would be the lack of opposable thumbs, something a Jedi would find pretty crucial in the operation of a lightsaber. Even Yoda could switch one on and pump up the jams like House Party 3, so as far as we're concerned Ikrit has no excuse. Also, we just can' t picture something that looks this much like a Care Bear going toe to toe against somebody like Darth Vader.
#5.
Ziro
From: Star Wars: The Clone Wars video game
During the Clone Wars (between Episode II: Attack of the Clones and Episode III: Revenge of the Sith) Ziro is the most notorious Hutt crime-lord on Coruscant, and he's also totally fabulous.
This tattooed, peacock-feather wearing villain first appeared in The Clone Wars movie as one of the main antagonists, and is Jabba the Hutt's embarrassing uncle. You know, the kind of uncle that shows up at family reunions and makes all of your female cousins really uncomfortable. Ziro speaks English instead of the cool, guttural Huttese language spoken by every other Hutt in a voice that seems more than slightly inspired by the openly gay author Truman Capote. It's also worth noting that Lucas is listed as a Producer of the animated film, which means he was probably at least aware the character existed before the game was released, once again confirming that George Lucas has lost his fucking mind.
"George, I told you a hundred times, it's not a real laser. We don't- Those aren't real, yet, and no one would give you one anyway."
Ziro's voice--along with his fashionably dyed purple skin and luminous yellow tattoos--presumably makes him the first openly homosexual Star Wars character (C-3PO is a robot so he doesn't count) so we guess that's some kind of civil rights milestone. Then again, he spends his time hanging out in his neon-lit apartment (which he describes as his "pleasure palace"), steals baby slugs and uncomfortably strokes his vast army of droid man-slaves. So evidently the first gay Star Wars character also had to be a depraved sexual lunatic.
Why He Doesn't Belong:
Did the first gay Star Wars character have to be a creepy, purple, gangster slug? We're already trying to justify the fantastically racist Jar Jar Binks, the mincing gilded nancybot C-3PO, the vaguely Jewish/Middle Eastern swindler Watto and the fact that Darth Vader suddenly started speaking with the voice of a black man when he turned evil. Give us a little help here, guys.
#4.
Mount Sorrow
From:
The Ewok Adventures (comic)
Meet Mount Sorrow, a sentient, talking mountain on the forest moon of Endor. In the above picture you can see him in his first (and only) appearance in the Ewok Adventures comic book, because as the writers soon realized, it is difficult to make a recurring character out of a giant stationary land mass.
Pictured: Tim Taylor and his original wacky neighbor, The Grand Canyon.
Mount Sorrow is named as such because his tears have the power to cure anyone of any ailment or illness. As luck would have it, he is constantly depressed and near suicidal, probably because he's a fucking rock on a moon full of Ewoks.
Don't worry, big guy. We've all asked Lucas the same question by now.
Why He Doesn't Belong:
OK, the Star Wars universe is a fantastical place. We get it. We just can't imagine a moment in the original trilogy where Luke Skywalker would travel to a world of teddy bears and try to get a talking mountain to cry enough magical tears to heal his severed hand.
Hutts are hermaphrodites, they can't be gay, because they are both genders.
Replyyou are making that up. as matter of fact., the storyline driving clone wars revolved around a plot to make Jabba think that the jedi kidnapped HIS SON and aiding Dooku in the kidnapping plot was jabba's AUNT Zero.
Hutts are hermaphrodites, but one or the other "gender" is the dominant one for every Hutt. So while Jabba is a hermaphrodite, he has a male predominant personality. Still does not explain how a Hutt could be gay... maybe both his/her genders were predominant.
This might be the most hilarious article I've read on Cracked.
Reply"according to his Wookieepedia page (the Star Wars wiki so nerdily titled that anything harboring a vagina will immediately burst into flames upon reading it)
Notice none of these came form either of the KOTOR games... further testament to their enduring amazingness. And there needs to be one of these done for Star Trek characters who don't belong.
ReplyI love Star Wars, but f**k it's annoying when you run afoul of a "real fan", who has spent thousands of dollars on every crappy pulp novel, comic book, video game, lego set, or video game based on a lego set, because as they'll rabidly insist with a glazed, unblinking look, "it's ALL canon, Lego Ewok RPG VII is just as part of the Star Wars universe as the Empire Strikes Back".
ReplyThat's the nice thing about Star Trek, novels and comics are regarded as little more than fanfic. Though I don't agree with Paramount's decision to give Nemesis canonical status.
I would choose all these characters over Jar Jar Binks. I mean they were rejected for him!?
ReplyGive me Bunny Jedi Master, give me Bad*** Robot Assassin, and if Han Solo was an Anthro Rabbit the movie would be a lot more interesting... I said interesting not better.
i reckon ikrit had a whole master splinter thing going on, it learned about the force by watching yoda until it was powerful enough to undo the latch on its hutch and then it just hid behind cupboards and under sofas for 400 years.
Replyi really dont see the problem with a jedi that cant use a lightsaber, incase you forgot the entire purpose of jedi is the force, learning about it, training to use it, and using it to help the galaxy, what makes a jedi is his ability to wield the force, not a glowing blade of light
ReplyVIRGIN
Again, another female here (one who has actually reproduced, so not nerdy virgin comments, please) who loves Star Wars.
ReplyI just have one thing to say: I am a girl, and I have a link to Wookiepedia saved on my favorites bar.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesEither you're going to be bashed and accused of being a guy, or you're going to be flooded with marriage proposals. Most likely, you'll get both. By the same people.
I will maintain a neutral stance, and just say that I'm glad I'm not the only one that has Wookiepedia bookmarked lol
I bet your vagina is all dried up
omygod marry me!
Tits or gtfo
how long have you been a girl?
Mount Sorrow... Waith. Is not that the talking mountain form Adventure Time?
Replyf**k you Gibbens, you stupid cunt. Ikrit has every right to be a Jedi Master. He was trained by f*****g YODA. The fact that he doesn't have opposable thumbs doesn't mean f*****g ANYTHING. He uses the Force to swing his lightsaber, BITCH.
ReplyI ought to Fus Ro Dah you.
aww, poor little guy. he's upset about the little cat monkey thing. i think fus ro dah is actually klingon for 'give a big ol' hug.'
when did a kinkajou come into the equation? i would say that ikrit is a cross between a rabbit, a ferret and a beaver
HK-47 is the only homicidal protocol droid I need to know about.
ReplyWhat about IG88?
IG-88 wasn't a protocol droid.
I think there's something deviously brilliant about a protocol droid assassin, but not as a sort of bad ass locked and loaded assassin, more as the kind that wanders around in some place that would have a protocol droid, like a palace, and would be totally unexpected to be dangerous.
ReplyIkrit...Sad when your adversary can be distracted by a ball of tinfoil. :P
ReplyMaster Ikrit, More to say have you?
ReplyNo, just need to use your box if that's ok.
Actually, I could really dig C-3PX. I've always been a fan of the clumsiness of C-3PO and how he's kind of like the 'butler' of the star wars universe, if you could call him that.
ReplyBut I could totally see a different model, absolutely fearless, carrying out every command that is ordered to him, with the absolute badassery of the terminator. Stomping his iron clad boots down the corridor of a spaceship, one arm ahead of him, holding a blaster, just straight up f*****g imperial droids in the d******e with his ultimate baddassery.
I'd imagine that if Darth Maul (He kicks so much f*****g ass he'd bitchslap you into the Lord of the Rings universe - I don't give a f**k what you say about him he is the shit) modified a copy of Threepio he'd actually give him functioning joints, as you don't take a Toaster and give it a blaster and immediately call it a bounty hunter. Threepee-ex (yeah that's now a m***********g nickname) would actually be feasable in my opinion if he functioned properly. As for telling you how many languages he's fluent in, he straight up wouldn't. You know why? Because he's NOT Threepio.
That aside, as far as sticking out, the Star Wars universe DOES have cloaking shields, so what's stopping someone from giving him a working cloaking device if he has (and I wish I could comment with italics) 83 m***********g weapons. Even if he was gold, it wouldn't matter, if anything it could be a plus. One minute you're standing at the canteen rocking out to "Tattooines hottest hits - Jubbas Jams edition #35" and then all of a sudden BAM, a golden m***********g pimp daddy of a bounty hunter bot just straight up murders the f**k out of you. Possibly then taking your space phone and calling your space b***h to inform her that your p***y ass is grass and he's going to be lubricating her joints later, if you know what he means (which you do).
All up, I honestly think Threepee-ex (oh f**k I did it again isn't it just majestic?) would be a kickass f*****g character and a good counter-character for Threepio.
But that's just my two spacebucks.
You're so wrong about C-3PX. He's badass.
ReplyThe best assassins are the ones that nobody's afraid of ... until it's too late.
I thought Jar-Jar was #1...
ReplyIts characters that werent on film.
Technically, it says "too retarded for film", and I'm sure some would argue that Jar Jar belongs in that category anyway.
Though personally I kinda like him. Complain all you want, but I thought he was funny... Might've had something to do with me being about ten or so last time I saw the movie, but still.
Never seen Clone Wars, don't know a thing about it. But I'm gonna say number five sounds too awesome for film.
ReplyI don't think ooroo and the rabbit jedi master were bad choices. A jedi doesn't necessarily have to use a lightsaber to be considered a jedi (a jedi is someone who controls the force). About ooroo's lightsaber skills, come on, that one is easy. The force allows you to move objects without the need of touching them. Do I need to explain further?
ReplyI get it, lightsaber fights are cool (boobs and explosions, yay!), but these characters are meant to teach us (as yoda was in the first trilogy) that there's more to the jedi order than badass lightsaber fighting.
yeah and bugs bunny regularly outsmarts elmer fudd. wabbits can be pretty f*****g tricky