Cracked Round-Up: Snowstorm Edition

The power has been out for almost eighteen hours. We're all huddled together for warmth in what has to be the largest pile of naked comedy writers since Woodstock. If the storm goes on for much longer we'll have to draw lots and eat someone. All we have in the office are these nasty canned cocktail weiners and a quart of gin currently guarded by a knife-wielding Brockway.

Oh, and also it's Valentine's Day. Or near Valentine's day. So happy fucking Valentine's day.


Brockway ignited our week in columns with a list of the greatest benders in recent history. Next was Seanbaby with Cracked's 67th article featuring JCVD. Cody thought up the worst celebrity-endorsed product ever, and Dan O'Brien found a way to combine his love of porn and MTV's Jersey Shore. An awful, awful way.

SONIC
7 Insane Ways Music Affects Body (According To Science)

Music is almost as amazing as the drugs that inspire it.



Notable Comment:

"Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks is the book to read about this topic "

No joke here, jajdude was right on the money; Oliver Sacks is the shit.

VILE
6 Shockingly Evil Things Babies Are Capable Of

If WE were babies, we'd definitely take advantage of being too adorable to bash over the skull with a tire iron.



Notable Comment:

"So, as a left-handed person, it's highly likely that I was born a murderer. That is so cool. "

That's right, androidmedia, and if you don't want us to tell the cops you'd better fork fifty g's over right fucking now.



FORTUNE
6 Global Corporations Started By Their Founder's Shitty Luck

Even the worst disasters can be the genesis of something beautiful. Unless you die, which is more likely.



Notable Comment:

"Hmmmmm... You might call them lucky but I think they were hardworking badasses. I mean, an earthquake has destroyed my small business, the lawmakers are threatening to ruin me, or my business is getting frowned upon... and I see an opportunity in any of that! Hey, that's the spirit of capitalism. "

It's always about capitalism with you, Libertariandude. Haven't you ever considered the benefits of socialism, like dreadlocked girls with hairy armpits?



DISASTER
6 Disastrous Ways Pop Culture Influences The Real World

We knew there had to be some sort of objective, fact-based reason CSI was awful.



Notable Comment:

"Wait, making it harder to shoot people is a DISASTER? "

It is for the gangsters, Viergacht. Not so much for the cops.



LIES
The 5 Most Widely Believed WWII Facts (That Are Bullshit)

It turns out most widely believed facts are bullshit.



Notable Comment:

This article got more than 600 comments. Most of them were retarded.





Good Neighbor
Some people shouldn't play drinking games.
Specifically, these people.


YOU YOU YOU!
23 Grossly Unnecessary Updates To Modern Technology
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Cartoons Were More Like The Real World


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

2.11.10:

It would be a lot funnier if the building was an abortion clinic
by natebooze

Editor's pick:

"The terrorist took hostages, but at 4:15 PM today he was killed in a deadly hail of rulers."
by Julius_Goat

2.10.10:

More than ANYTHNG I want to see that picture
by LegitimateJoe

Editor's pick:

Bukkakolypse.
by slickjamesjik

2.09.10:

It takes balls to do what he does ... really grippy balls.
by slickjamesjik

Editor's pick:

Sometimes flags play "Capture the People".
by Leaf

2.08.09:

So somebody DOES give a flying f**k...
by Mothra24

Editor's pick:

Some situations are almost impossible to articulate to the 9-1-1 operator.
by Fkelleghan

2.07.10:

I just walked into Japan and came out looking like this.
by seannyb

Editor's pick:

No matter how much he displayed his plumage, he was woefully unsuccessful at attracting a mate.
by carrieoakey

2.06.10:

Next to it is a sculpture of a white foot that can actually afford a shoe...
by metsfan

Editor's pick:

It had to be delivered by Toe Truck.
by Kamikaze Phoenix

2.05.10:

Goat Busters!
by GGWD

Editor's pick:

You know what? Don't Ask, Don't Tell has its limits.
by Julius_Goat

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