I dislike most of humanity, but I like to stay positive, so I try to keep in mind that war, disease, natural disasters, wild animals, and random accidents tend to kill people off all the time. In addition, sometimes really stupid people find ways to kill themselves off, and not only is that hilarious, but it's the greatest gift of all.

Having more or less been a hermit for many years, I tend to pursue any crazy idea I have (even the ones that take years). I spend most of my time working on various art and writing projects, talking to cats, and chainsmoking.

I am from the New England area, but I moved to Florida last year, when I realized that it was never going to stop snowing in my home state, and I closely compared this information with the fact that I really don't like snow at all. Now I live in a place where it never gets cold, it rains about 8 hours every day, and I like it much better. Instead of tiny roaches who try to get into your house, there are mega-roaches (sometimes as big as your big toe) that just stay the fuck outside. While I'm not afraid of bugs, I am relieved that they WANT to stay outside, or else I would have a serious "Creepshow" situation on my hands, and I don't need that shit.

There are also tiny lizards running all over my house, and after confirming their existence with multiple sources, I am forced to admit that they are not hallucinations.


I know how you people are. You don't want to know the truth, you want to know what is made up. In accordance with your interests, here's the really important things about me:

I am a fallen god, doomed to mortality after playing too many tricks on the other gods and goddesses. I used to stand right in Odin's blind spot for hours and scare him by suddenly talking; I would play "got your nose" with Osiris (boy did he hate that), and one time I gave Kali a set of seven gloves for a birthday present. I also tricked Dionysus into having sex with a goat when he was extremely drunk (and Pan beat my ass, because it was his girlfriend). When Jesus was being crucified, I came by with an ostrich feather, and tickled him until he peed (his disciples almost kicked the shit out of me in revenge, but I walked to the bazaar, bought a new loincloth, and changed him, so they let me go with a warning, and I never did it again).

Now I exist in the land of PWoT, stealing fire from firemen (they aren't even using it, they're just pouring water on it like a bunch of idiots), and bringing jokes to the internet dwellers. Every day, the gods send Remington and Technohawk to peck at my liver, but my doctor said it is growing back a little bit. He even said I might not die. Sometimes the other mods sneak me a little food to help keep my strength up.

It is the same as many tales told before, and many that will be told again. I am just a speck lost in the pages of history. I will only be remembered as the lowly man who made the last good Soviet Union joke there was..."In Soviet Fight Club, things you own end up owning YOU." After that, humans never will never make another good soviet joke like that. Maybe one day we will be visited by martians who tell us new jokes like "Back on Mars, wiggly mush on dining platter eats you!", and we will totally get them and laugh. Who knows?


...and now, a little bit of Wisdom and Street Knowledge:

-Never get into a pissing contest with a man who has a kidney problem.

-When you gaze into the retard, the retard gazes also into you. When you wrestle with trolls, you become a troll.

-Never bring a knife to a gunfight at a formal dinner. They will have proper knives there. (It's the same knife for fish, not the one for steak, though a boning knife will also work if you are seated near the entree).

-People are usually not worth talking to, but they have no way of knowing that until you tell them.

-Don't lend money to hookers. If their investments turn out well, and they become rich, they will forget all about their debt to you.

-Always ask the pharmacist if it's "good stuff", no matter what the prescription is for. Either it will confuse them, or after you leave they will go in the back and try some.

-Don't piss on anything that is making sparks.

-Having a normal job in today's world is like saying "I'm part of the problem. Please hold."

-Never eat cake near fat people without knowing your exit route first.

-Strangers are just cellmates who you haven't met yet.

-When people claim to be pacifists, ask them to prove it by holding still while you punch them.

-Not all babies are cute. Some of them never become cute, even when they grow up. Just try not to look at them.

-If you siphon someone's gas, be considerate enough to replace it with some other liquid.

-The stench of burning human hair will mask the smell of just about anything else, except for burning onions, cat piss, or gin.


Sometimes I write a lot.

...Also, when I registered, I didn't check that box saying I was awesome. Did I need to do that? I honestly wasn't sure if I was awesome. However, I will submit myself to whatever test of awesomeness your people judge by. Do I get to hit people with a hammer?

(Some people don't think I'm awesome, but later when they really think things through, they are just going to feel foolish.)

Did you read this far?

Either you are stalking me, in which case I recommend you send me coffee and cigarettes to flatter me and win me over; or else you are amused by the continuous stream of malfunctions my brain is capable of producing, and you admire my ability to express the end results of this process so well.

If that's the case, then you probably want to know that I'm starting a comedy site soon. Besides a lot of my own family-friendly mainstream work (murder, drug and abortion jokes are totally in this category, right?), you'll also find a diverse offering of known and unknown comedic talents there.

If you also write comedy, make cartoons, do funny videos, or other stuff, and want to contribute something, let me know. You can PM me here, or write to me at " BanzaiSurprise@gmail.com ".

If you have anything good, I'll publish it. You'll get exposure, and if enough people like it, you'll also get paid a little money. Not much, but hey, it's real money.