6 Historic Acts of Revenge That Put 'Kill Bill' to Shame
#3.
Enrico Dandolo's Blind Vengeance
The Byzantine Empire was pretty much the Biff Tannen of Medieval Europe. When the Western Roman Empire began to crash and burn, their eastern equivalent, Byzantium, turned away and pretended not to hear their desperate pleas, thus establishing Byzantium's reputation as the alpha-asshole on the European continent.
In 1171, the Byzantines decided to step up their schoolyard-style bullying on the small but thriving Republic of Venice; arresting their merchants for no reason, stealing their goods and repeatedly calling them buttheads. Naturally, Venice got pretty pissed off over this, but with little in the way of military might they appointed an old man named Enrico Dandolo ambassador to smooth things over with the Byzantine Emperor Manuel I Komnenos in the capital of Constantinople.
Emperor Manuel I Komnenos.
The Byzantines instead thought it would be more fun just to blind him, and continue to shove Venice around for another 14 years. Nevertheless, Enrico continued to serve as Venice's emissary, despite being blinded, surrounded by Nia Vardalos fans and badgered with jokes about how to make a Venetian blind.
The Payback:
In 1204, 33 years after the Byzantines blinded him and subjugated his people, Enrico returned from Venice armed to the teeth, and directed the armies of the Fourth Crusade to sack the ever loving shit out of Constantinople.
It was an act of blind revenge (sorry) as brilliant as it was brutal, since it caught the entire Byzantine Empire completely with their pants down. The city had never fallen to an enemy before, but this little old blind guy managed to capture its capital, and with it, the entire Byzantine Empire.
With his revenge finally fulfilled, Enrico died the next year. In his 90s.
Why you never joke about a blind Venetian.
#2.
Pierre Picaud was the Real Count of Monte Cristo
In 1807, a French dude named Pierre Picaud had just about everything on life's menu going for him: a steady job as a cobbler, a home just outside the lovely French riviera and an insanely hot, wealthy French girlfriend. Everybody knows one jerk like that.
Pierre's three friends Loupian, Solari and Chaubart always thought they'd like to take him down a notch, so when he eventually proposed, his buddies seized on the opportunity to plan the most dick bachelor party prank in history--by sending a letter to the feds accusing Pierre of being an English spy. We don't know whether or not they also tied him naked to a lamp post.
Yeah, smile motherfucker. Wait till we get some rope.
He was arrested and imprisoned in the brutal Fenestrelle fortress for seven years without charge, and to make things even worse, his former friend Loupian spent that time comforting Pierre's ex-fiance with his penis.
The Payback:
If you think this sounds like we're just confusing The Count of Monte Cristo with reality, you're half right. The guy who wrote that book, Alexandre Dumas, based his novel on police records detailing the true case of Pierre Picaud, whose incredible story of revenge was almost too strange to be believed even then.
Details are a little hazy, but at some point during Pierre's imprisonment, he somehow became a millionaire. Apparently he had a wealthy cellmate named Father Torri with whom he struck up such a close friendship that Torri left him his fortune after he died. Either that, or he knocked over an armored car while on parole. Either way, Pierre made use of his newfound wealth to exact a tornado of justice worthy of a Death Wish sequel.
This is my warm-up gun.
Over the course of 10 years, Pierre used his new wealth to brutally trick, ruin and murder his oppressors. One by one, his former friends wound up mysteriously dead, but it was that cuckolding prick Loupian who got the shortest end of the stick. Pierre first tricked the man's daughter into marrying a criminal (whom Pierre had arrested), killing the poor girl out of shock. Pierre then burned Loupian's business to the ground, had Loupian's son arrested and then finished things off by stabbing the already ruined man to death, which was probably a small mercy.
Pierre was eventually kidnapped and killed by a fourth friend, Allut, who knew about the plot to frame Pierre but failed to report it. According to the French police, his insanely detailed deathbed confession was the basis for the entire report, which means that the only reason we know about it at all is because Pierre didn't live quite long enough to finish the job.
#1.
You Don't Fuck With Genghis Khan
After Genghis Khan decapitated his way through Asia like a mustachioed threshing machine, the Mongolian Empire found direct contact with the Middle East for the first time in their history. As a sign of good will, Genghis sent a caravan into the neighboring Khwarezmid Empire consisting of 450 men and what we can only assume was one damn fine fruit basket.
Like this, but with diamonds and whores.
However, the Khwarezmids did not take kindly to these "people in felt tents," and Governor Inalchuq of Otrar seized the caravan, killing all but one Mongol merchant.
Genghis, at this point, was willing to give his neighbors another chance, figuring that perhaps they simply didn't realize who they were fucking with. He sent a delegation to Inalchuq's boss, Shah Ala ad-Din Muhammad II, to ask what up. The Shah responded by shaving the heads of the Mongol ambassadors, and sent their interpreter home without a head.
Honestly? The guy that got decapitated had it easy.
The Payback:
When he learned about the massacre of his envoy, Genghis nodded and quietly went off into the mountains to count to 10 and compose himself. After thinking it through for a few days, he returned refreshed, then gave Khwarezmid a pounding unlike any the world would see until World War II.
Somehow, this painting fails to capture the carnage.
To avenge his lost messengers, Genghis deployed three of his "four dogs" of war, which included Subutai, better known as the greatest general who ever lived. After laying siege to Inalchuq's citadel for six months with newly-acquired Chinese technologies, Genghis finally obtained a refund for his fruit basket; supposedly by pouring molten silver into Inalchuq's eyes and mouth. Then he went after the Shah.
Genghis Khan stormed into Khwarezmia with up to 200,000 of the best trained soldiers in the world, destroyed an army five times his size, and even diverted rivers to wipe the Sultan's birthplace off the map. By the time Genghis was finished, "not even dogs or cats" were spared. The entire empire was literally erased, its four million inhabitants reduced to mounds of skeletons. The Shah himself escaped to an island in the Caspian Sea, where he died of pleurisy, bankrupt and alone. Thus cementing the popular adage, "don't kill the messenger." Especially if he works for Genghis Khan.
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For more people that shouldn't have been fucked with, check out 5 Nuns Who Could Kick Your Ass and 6 Saints Who Could Kick Your Ass.
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"[quote]Genghis Khan stormed into Khwarezmia with up to 200,000 of the best trained soldiers in the world, destroyed an army five times his size, and even diverted rivers to wipe the Sultan's birthplace off the map.[/quote]"
ReplyI'm calling bulls hit on those numbers. 200,000 people traveling together from Mongolia? A million man army in one fuc king place?
Plus do you have any idea how much work it takes to divert even one river?
"By the time Genghis was finished, "not even dogs or cats" were spared. The entire empire was literally erased, its four million inhabitants reduced to mounds of skeletons."
Even if all 200,000 (bulls hit) were still alive, they'd each have to find and kill 50 people in a time when killing was done by hand. That's thirsty work.
"The Shah himself escaped to an island in the Caspian Sea, where he died of pleurisy, bankrupt and alone."
If he died alone, how do you know what he died of?
Calling bulls hit on the magnitude of this one. Enjoy your meal.
Oh look, it's yet another case of "there's no proof, it has to be false!". I'll just leave it at that.
it wasn't one giant battle. the armies didn't march in one giant group. besides that the mongolian armies were superb at living off of the land. possibly the best at the time.
the mongol army had access to a LOT of gunpowder after the chinese invasion. the khwarezmia did not know this at all. in fact they were under the assumption that the mongols had very poor siege engines. they were wrong. dead wrong. whereas the mongols under general subutai were exceptionally skilled in spying and planning.
the story is actually very believable when you look at everything else the mongol empire accomplished
Whoa what Historian would compare the Roman Empire to Mordor and The Empire? It wasn't really that bad place to live in.
ReplyMy Asian studies professor told me that the Chinese thought that Vietnamese women were extremely beautiful, and would often force them to be wives or concibines, just because of their beauty.
ReplyDear Lord. The first story contains the real world's version of The Boss from Metal Gear Solid 3.
ReplyNot gonna lie, I lost it at "conwhocious"
ReplyGenghis... sigh... will we ever see the likes of you again??
ReplyHopefully not.
Holy crap! How has the Trung sisters' rebellion not been made into a summer action movie? Thousands of kung-fu amazons kicking the most powerful nation of the world out of their country is a story that pretty much sells iteslf.
ReplySince the Pope hasn't died at the time when Dante's journey into hell was set, the poet used a very clever trick to put him in anyway.
ReplyWhile Dante was passing by, a lost soul, thinking he was the pope, wondered why he was already in hell, when he was supposed to arrive later and Dante surmised that lost souls had the power to foresee the future.
"When he learned about the massacre of his envoy, Genghis nodded and quietly went off into the mountains to count to 10 and compose himself" hehehehe
ReplyI'd like some Red Dante Footy pajamas with a cape and hat please.
ReplyThe soldiers Boudicca killed in the siege were unarmed and the city was defended entirely by the town watch the only actual Roman soldiers killed were ambushed in a forest without their equipment. Finally at Watling street the legions (compliments from 3 not all of the 3) numbered 10,000 and killed 80,000 out of around 200,000 Celts before the Celts escaped.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesSorry forgot to mention unarmed because they were retired.
I'm sorry, you seem to have forgotten the key aspects of a retired Roman soldier. That he's good enough to have survived several campaigns and that he's not unarmed. How many soldiers do you know that don't have at least one gun? Same thing with Roman soldiers only with swords and shit.
You would have to be pretty f***ing stupid to walk around unarmed in fifth century Britain.
Nathan, I loved the way you ended your post. ROMANS - "They got swords and shit."
"Roman soldiers only with swords and shit"
Flinging your feces is really not much of a tactic.
ah but remember all written records of the battles were by the romans, of course they're gonna say "the only reason we got defeated by a woman is because we were undermanned", but in latin obviously...
anyone else but me read that bit about Inalchuq's death-by-silver and think of Game of Thrones? i know the Dothraki were modelled after the mongols, but never knew GRRM was that specific.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesWell damn. Now I'm expecting them to conquer the entire western empire in season two. Since Genghis Khan succeeded in conquering the entire Byzantine empire.
They're books, asshole. You have no business watching if you haven't read.
Unless the author was especially well-versed in world history, based on what's more familiar to American writers, I'd say the inspiration was likely the Roman consul Crassus, who was supposedly executed by the Parthians by having molten gold poured down his throat, to slake his thirst of gold. I'd also venture a guess that the Dothraki are likely a general blend of traditionally "barbaric" peoples, including the Parthians and the Mongolians.
BTW, does anyone ever comment on the fact that the brutal, beastly, barbaric, rapist peoples are the only people of color in Game of Thrones, and every other society is some variant of a Western European culture?
@skim172, Apparently Martin uses history for a lot of his plot points. The red wedding comes to mind. As far as the western people being more virtuous, I don't find that at all. Through out the war of kings there are tons of massacres going on, and you have people like the mountain and the Boltons being sanctioned by the king.
And *SPOILER* just like Viserys *END SPOILER* Inalchuq was an utter d*ck who deserved it.
@ NathanLoiselle. Genghis Khan never fought the Byzantines. He died in China long before the horde set foot in the middle east. And the mongols never fought the Byzantines anyway. Actually the damage they did to the Arabs probably bought Constantinople a century or two.
"anyone else but me read that bit about Inalchuq's death-by-silver and think of Game of Thrones?" Only the other gays.
They should make a movie out of #2
Replyoh wait...
The Byzantine Empire was not the bully of Europe; it it's protector. Just so ya' know...
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYeah if the Byzantines hadnt been there to take all of those ottoman invasions they would have overrun central europe, its a bit like a sponge absorbing water from damaging the surrounding only the water is stab wounds and forced conversion.
The Poles and Austrians seemed to manage.
Because the Byzantine Empire did such a good job of protecting the west from Genghis Khan. Oh wait, they didn't. The west survived his onslaught as a result of his death.
It should also be noted that the Byzantine Empire broke up into the Ottoman empire, a few little countries, and part of the German empire. It couldn't really absorb attacks from the Ottoman empire. It was part of it.
As your name is Boniface, you are clearly a dick.
"Another that the Chinese surprised the women by attacking them bare-ass naked" Wow that is either incredibly smart (maybe the girls will get all squeamish and stuff seeing those male junks), or incredibly retarded in that it kinda exposes your weakest area
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesIt worked for the Scottish.
I think they were just rape-ready. Can you comprehend how much time it takes to force some poor girl into a prone position and THEN take off your pants--all this while an attack or siege is underway? This way the soldiers could use their erections as a divining rod during battle.
You seem to have put a lot of thought into what it takes to rape a woman during wartime efforts Sven.
The Celts used to attack their enemies while naked. They just figured that if there's an arrow with your name on it, then you're dead regardless of whether you're wearing armour or butt naked.
"Phung Thi Chinh, a pregnant noblewoman in their army who gave birth on the battlefield, and fought the Chinese with her baby on her back"
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesGod, when I read that I wanted to give a standing ovation or something. Wow.
...
On another subject: Why are 50% of the comments I see about Eminem?
There's a pretty badass scene in the movie 'Red Cliff' where one of the main characters fights off a bunch of enemies while wearing a makeshift papoose with a baby in it. The character isn't a woman or anything, but it's still pretty sweet.
So, Dwarf Fortress was based on Vietnam..?
From another site: "When she learned that the Trưng sisters had committed suicide, she killed herself and her child." That's messed up.
killing the messenger is madness!
ReplyNot in Sparta.
How is the Persian War not on here? Athens helps people revolt against Persia, they send basically half of the living world to attack Greece, and the 300 Spartans (with some others) held them off long enough for Athens, and the soul of Democracy, to escape. Pretty big move for burning a minor city.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThat's some pretty goddamned revisionist history
yeah, I enjoyed reading that graphic novel too
it's just too bad that the actual battle wasn't nearly up to that standard.
Well. Because the Persian army hardly held half of the living world. After all, by that point in time there were people living in Norway, Iceland, Canada, Peru, Hawaii, Korea, Australia, and pretty much everywhere else in the world.
Also, you're confusing history with a comic book.
#6 so the Han shot first?
ReplyWell, it definitely wasn't Greedo. :D
No one else found it odd that they managed to rape a ninja chick? Seriously, if she was so good at kicking ass how come she didn't just kick the ass of the guy trying to rape her? Seems fishy.
Replyit wasent one man it was basically an army that raped her.
one of the major rules of combat, never take on more opponents than you can handle yourself.
next rule: if the odds are against you, bide your time, wait for the perfect time to strike.
Rule Number Three: Never lose your f*****g ring. Nothing good can come of lost jewelery.