Hollywood loves to portray nuns as stern, sexless, boxy women who spend most of their days slapping students in the hand with rulers. But that's about as much as they're allowed to misbehave.
With a few exceptions.
But history tells us that real nuns are quite a bit more awesome than that, and even the most pious sisters are not immune from the all-too-human desires for blood, petty vengeance and transgender exploration. Just check out the stories of...
5Carol Gilbert, Ardeth Platte and Jackie Hudson
So what does it take for a group of nuns to wind up on a Terrorist Watch List? Ask Sisters Carol Gilbert, Ardeth Platte and Jackie Hudson. They're peace activists who both wound up on the Maryland State Police's list of terrorists and were sentenced to a total of nine years in federal prison to boot.
It all happened after the nuns wanted to protest the war in Afghanistan but decided that standing on the roadside holding signs just wouldn't cut it. Instead, they broke into a Colorado military base that, oh by the way, housed nuclear missiles.
"What? We're pretty sure Jesus would've done it."
They made it to the silos themselves, pounded on them with a hammer (note: if you happen to encounter nuclear missiles in the future, DO NOT HIT THEM WITH HAMMERS) and painted crosses on the concrete using baby bottles filled with blood. Their own.
By the way, that was a Minuteman III missile in that silo, which is supposed to be 20 times more powerful than the bomb that destroyed Hiroshima.
So how did these three sisters infiltrate the top-secret compound? That's the most frightening part of the protest: The atomic harbinger of doom was protected by a fence locked with a single chain. All the sisters had to do was use some bolt cutters. It was like breaking into a dog park.
Given their apparent masochistic tendencies, it's not surprising that the sisters chose to suffer in prison over appealing their case. They even requested to go to prison immediately instead of waiting for the schedule date. They're back out now, so if they shanked anybody while they were on the inside, they apparently weren't caught. We still wouldn't fuck with them, though.
4The Nuns of Rutino, Italy
In 2008, a man named Aniello Esposito was in the middle of a dispute about his lease on convent-owned property. He was accused of illegally using the space to run a restaurant. Then, one night, Esposito heard that two of the nuns and a priest were trashing the place.
That's really not the kind of news you want to hear (though honestly it seems like the kind of thing you'd like to see at least once) so he ran over in hopes of having a nice, peaceful chat.
We're saying all Italians are gangsters.
That plan pretty much failed when the priest hit Esposito with a chair and the nuns started kicking him in the stomach. The other villagers saw what they later described as "the cast of Sister Act wailing on the guy from the pizza box."
They promptly called the police after they stood around and watched for at least 15 minutes and probably taped a good portion of it. Esposito was brought to the hospital with neck and abdominal contusions along with the most awesomely humiliating story of his life.
In a cruel move by the media, his was the only name released to the public.