5 Nuns Who Could Kick Your Ass
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Hollywood loves to portray nuns as stern, sexless, boxy women who spend most of their days slapping students in the hand with rulers. But that's about as much as they're allowed to misbehave.
But history tells us that real nuns are quite a bit more awesome than that, and even the most pious sisters are not immune from the all-too-human desires for blood, petty vengeance and transgender exploration. Just check out the stories of... #5.
Carol Gilbert, Ardeth Platte and Jackie Hudson
So what does it take for a group of nuns to wind up on a Terrorist Watch List? Ask Sisters Carol Gilbert, Ardeth Platte and Jackie Hudson. They're peace activists who both wound up on the Maryland State Police's list of terrorists and were sentenced to a total of nine years in federal prison to boot. It all happened after the nuns wanted to protest the war in Afghanistan but decided that standing on the roadside holding signs just wouldn't cut it. Instead, they broke into a Colorado military base that, oh by the way, housed nuclear missiles.
They made it to the silos themselves, pounded on them with a hammer (note: if you happen to encounter nuclear missiles in the future, DO NOT HIT THEM WITH HAMMERS) and painted crosses on the concrete using baby bottles filled with blood. Their own.
By the way, that was a Minuteman III missile in that silo, which is supposed to be 20 times more powerful than the bomb that destroyed Hiroshima. So how did these three sisters infiltrate the top-secret compound? That's the most frightening part of the protest: The atomic harbinger of doom was protected by a fence locked with a single chain. All the sisters had to do was use some bolt cutters. It was like breaking into a dog park. Given their apparent masochistic tendencies, it's not surprising that the sisters chose to suffer in prison over appealing their case. They even requested to go to prison immediately instead of waiting for the schedule date. They're back out now, so if they shanked anybody while they were on the inside, they apparently weren't caught. We still wouldn't fuck with them, though. #4.
The Nuns of Rutino, Italy
In 2008, a man named Aniello Esposito was in the middle of a dispute about his lease on convent-owned property. He was accused of illegally using the space to run a restaurant. Then, one night, Esposito heard that two of the nuns and a priest were trashing the place. That's really not the kind of news you want to hear (though honestly it seems like the kind of thing you'd like to see at least once) so he ran over in hopes of having a nice, peaceful chat.
That plan pretty much failed when the priest hit Esposito with a chair and the nuns started kicking him in the stomach. The other villagers saw what they later described as "the cast of Sister Act wailing on the guy from the pizza box."
They promptly called the police after they stood around and watched for at least 15 minutes and probably taped a good portion of it. Esposito was brought to the hospital with neck and abdominal contusions along with the most awesomely humiliating story of his life. In a cruel move by the media, his was the only name released to the public. #3.
Odette de Pougy
It doesn't get any more wholesome than this: Odette de Pougy was an abbess; the Mother Superior of an abbey of nuns.
In1265, the Pope Urban IV decided to build a church on the site where his father's shoe shop used to be. De Pougy, unaware or not caring that the Pope was her boss, informed him that the property belonged to the abbey and that he could not build there. Unarmed with the knowledge we have on nuns today, he went ahead with it anyway because he was the freaking Pope. Back then, if you opposed the Pope that was like jabbing God with a sharp stick.
De Pougy didn't give a shit. In true nun fashion (in the context of this article, anyway) she brought armed thugs to the construction site to drive away the Pope's crew. Urban waited two years and tried again, only to witness the return of her personal army. The Pope struck back by excommunicating her entire abbey for 14 years. He eventually got his church built... but he waited until de Pougy had died to do it. |
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No mention of Ng Mui, the (Bhuddist) nun who was the only woman to develop a Kung Fu style. Everybody Wing Chun tonight.
That boob-nun must be Catalina de Erauso because she Erausos the hell out of me!
God damnit I should read before I hit submit... BAH!
My aunt is a nun and my own mother has some horror stories about nuns so this actually doesn't surprise me. My mother is a staunch Catholic but has not probably calling most nuns 'f*****g psycho cunts'. Her words, not mine!
hey gnarlyhotep, I think we might go to the same school! I'm working on the same science project right now and can't seem to find the porno-nun video required, I'm sure CRACKED can send it over, unless they want us to fail. Do you, CRACKED?
There are two types of people in this comments section: 1)Those who are angry and indignant that the author misled them about whether the nuns could have detonated the Minuteman missle; and 2)Those who think this is the greatest article in the world.
My FRIEND needs to know the name of this nun-porn movie, please. Just to fact check it for accuracy.
On a more serious note, PLEASE CRACKED I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT PORNO YOU GOT THE NUN STILLS FROM. It's for a science project.
@josh_is_dumb: You could not have picked a better screen name. Kudos!
I was some what surprised that you managed to make it three entries before you broke out the titty nun...
what would you have called it, "5 Nuns Who Acted In A Way Most People Wouldn't Associate With Nuns"? Yeah, thrillfest.
@josh: In a bizarre twist for cracked, this article appears to have been written with liberal doses of sarcasm and humor. It is possible that they didn't mean that the nuns could literally kick your ass.
I’ll try to make this as non-misogynistic as possible: I can’t see anything in this article that would make me believe any of these nuns could kick my ass. I went into reading this article skeptically, the first example didn’t help—they cut a lock and hit a nuke/silo door with a hammer (which sounds more like an email your mom would forward you)—and then got arrested. Where does that make me think they could kick my ass? Some other nuns kicked a guy after he was hit in the head with a chair by a man, another nun hired some armed-goons to scare off construction workers. None of this is ass-kickery, am I wrong?
@Amused.
Completely agree with you on the difficultness of reaching critical mass on a nuclear bomb by accident... Still... Hitting one with a hammer? It takes huge balls even if you are the scientist responsible for the safety measures, hitting with a hammer? A thing that produces that much energy; huge balls.
That was lame, like every part was about a nun.
How hard is it to Google "nun + tits"?
http://www.bettie-b.de/
Oh man and I totally forgot: painting crosses with baby bottles filled with their own blood?
BADASS!
Based on what I've heard, I think we can all safely agree that the nuns meant absolutely nothing against a missile silo.
But the point is more the spirit of nuns, which it turns out is pretty damn awesome. Futile or not, these chicks said "f**k this, we're going to go bust up a missile silo and damn the consequences," and as disruptive as that is there's something to be said for it (especially alongside all the other examples of nun badassery on this list)
Not sure if other humorless killjoys have pointed this out yet -- but the relative potency of the nuclear missiles at the Colorado military base (#5) is irrelevant. Detonating a nuclear bomb requires a precise chain of events, that's very unlikely to unfold by accident at a storage silo, of all places; and from the time of the very first bombs, these weapons were designed in a way that prevents them from achieving critical mass by accident. There are all these stories floating around about people using nuclear missiles as card tables, driving over them, backing into them, using them as battering rams, etc., and how the whole world is only one drunk, high or stupid soldier away from total annihilation -- and they are all BS. Not saying the story in #5 isn't true -- but the nuns would not have been able to set off the bombs by banging on them. Hitting a nuclear bomb with a hammer, even puncturing it, will not set off a nuclear explosion. At worst, it would lead to spillage of radioactive material and local contamination (and likely the nuns' death or at least severe illness) -- but hardly the Biblical-level devastation that follows in the wake of a mushroom cloud.
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The picture captions made me laugh every time.
So did the rest of the article, but I wanted to give specific feedback.