6 Saints Who Could Kick Your Ass
"What could be done to improve Christianity?" is a question that the church has never, ever asked us. But if they did, we'd tell them to bring back the era of the ass-kicking saints.
Did you even know there was such a thing? Sure enough, history books are full of men who could quote the Bible and beat you to death with it, at the same time. For instance ...
#6.
Ignatius of Loyola was Cannon-Proof
Living in the early 1500s, Ignatius spent a good chunk of his life as a military man. A gambling, barroom brawlings military man. Oh, did we mention the whoring? Or as he put it in his autobiography "wenching."
During a huge battle with the French, his own men knew they were doomed and proposed a surrender. Ignatius would have none of that shit. He fought on and, shortly thereafter, he was shot with a friggin' cannon.
And lived.
The ball passed right between his legs, tearing one open and smashing the shin in his other leg. When he was carried to town to be treated, his broken leg had to be set, rebroken then set again. A chunk of bone sticking out had to be sawed off. When it was discovered that whoever set his leg had fucked it up so bad it was now shorter than the other one, they used weights to try to unsuccessfully stretch it out.
"Boy, we are just not good doctors."
When you consider this was around 1520 and they didn't have frivolous luxuries like sterilization and anesthesia, you realize the guy was more hard-core than entire countries' worth of today's pansies.
It was during his recovery, when his cannon wound made the whoring and brawling inconvenient, that he was forced to read stories of Christ and eventually decided to devote his life to God. That led him to one day found Society of Jesus, what most of us know as Jesuits. You may know them from their statues of a guy giving the finger to a cannonball.
#5.
Vladimir of Kiev: Saint with 800 Wives and a Viking Army
Yeah, this guy had his own army of Vikings. We could probably stop right there.
Before becoming a saint, Vladimir Svyatoslavich enjoyed a career as a marauding pagan. One day he decided he wanted to be the Grand Prince of Kiev, so he amassed the aforementioned army of Vikings to go storm the city and depose the asshole who currently held the title (his brother).
Along the way he decided getting married might be fun and he sent some people to ask for the daughter of a nearby royal. After all, isn't that the time when men first start to think about settling down? When storming across Europe with hordes of Vikings to kill their own brother?
"Anyone else have a craving for wedding cake? I have a craving for wedding cake."
Sadly, the would-be bride declined the offer so he took a detour, killed her father and married her by force. Presumably there was a break for a nice dinner and some dancing before he got back to the task at hand and killed his brother, becoming ruler of Kiev.
Over the years he expanded his territory and his inventory of boobies, reportedly taking somewhere in the neighborhood of 800 concubines and several more wives.
So how does a guy like that become a saint? Well, the neighbors who he hadn't taken over kept badgering him about abandoning his pagan ways and adopting some manner of respectable religion. After deciding that Islam's stance on pork and booze wasn't to his liking, he settled on Christianity, mostly because it offered him some decent political footing in the area.
He was baptized and, possibly so they wouldn't make fun of him, had everyone else in Kiev baptized too. Thus they were heathens no more, and Vladimir secured himself a position as a saint. He may or may not have celebrated by grabbing each of the 1,600-plus boobies at his disposal.
#4.
Symeon the Stylite was What David Blaine Only Pretends to Be
Unlike those first guys up there who kind of stumbled into sainthood and badassery due to extreme circumstances, Symeon chose both willingly.
The man had a real hate-on for the pussified way all the rest of us live and decided he couldn't take it any more. At first he tried to shun the luxuries of mid 5th century life by shutting himself in a little ramshackle Unabomber-style hut for three years, where he figured not eating or drinking anything at all for the entire period of Lent would be a good idea.
After the hut proved too expansive and extravagant for him, Symeon packed up his loincloth and moved to a crevice in a rock in the desert. In a space about 20 yards in diameter, he set up shop but soon learned that when you decide to live your life as a religious sideshow, you're going to attract attention. Soon pilgrims arrived to watch him presumably just sitting on his rock. They asked him for advice and prayers and probably threw peanuts and tried to get him to do tricks.
Realizing the rock was still too awesome a place to spend his life, Symeon raised a stone pillar with a little platform on top, climbed up and sat there. He went through a couple of these pillars before he settled on one over 50 feet high where he stayed ... for 36 years.
He continued to get visitors and for a while each day, a ladder was used so people could come up and chat with him while those below waited their turn and tried to avoid getting pooped on from 50 feet up.
If you're still not clear on the badassery involved here, keep in mind this was all taking place in Syria, where summer temperatures can get over 100 and in winter dip below 50, which is probably just slightly more awful when you're on a stone pillar 50 feet off the ground.
Where the f**k is Joan of Arc? She was a saint too, and she could totally kick anyone's ass!
ReplySo I know it is only a fake conspiracy that they wrote for Assassin's Creed but Olaf is clearly holding the Apple of Eden in that picture.
Replyi dissagree. i believe that is the holy hand grenade of antioch
Olaf Was a f*****g tool. Just saying.
ReplyCould use St. Brendan of Ireland. He sailed across the atlantic 1000 years before columbus, in a boat made out of animal skins...
ReplyYou could write "6 other Saints who could also kick your ass"
I'd read about this inventive nautical Irishman.
Wait. Did anyone else think of Rose Nylund when they got the St. Olaf?
ReplyCrazy train incoming: If I were one of Vlad of Kiev's wives, he'd probably return home to find that some knave had wandered through and slaughtered the rest...
ReplyThere really needs to be an article about the ten popes in history who were actually criminals and deviants.
ReplyThe 5 Badass Popes article covers a few. Actually, there's a whole book on the subject: "The Bad Popes". There are a few centuries we Catholics are, uh... not proud of.
"I'm done on this side. flip me over"- St. Lawrence when being grilled alive
Reply"Mother Theresa Black Ops group" Too funny!
Replywow and I thought a religious dude sitting on a pillar was something Mark Twain randomly made up in the a Connecticut Yankee in King ARthur's court. i think.
ReplyWhat, no Monty Python reference about that Holy Hand Grenade that St. Olaf is holding? He could slay legions of killer bunnies with that thing!
Reply"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it." Amen.
There is one in the caption.
Don't forget St. Lucy. When her would-be husband wouldn't take "I'm married to God" seriously, and kept praising her beautiful eyes, she removed them and handed them to him on a platter, saying something to the effect of "You take these, then, and I'll keep my virginity. Now go away."
ReplyI love how casually that sounds...
"What did you do this morning?"
"Nah, just removed my eyes and went to work."
Dude, what about St. Nick? Yes THE St. Nikolaus. He punched a dude out for heresy!
ReplySanta Claus had a renegade option.
Dude, what about St. Nick? Yes THE St. Nikolaus. He punched a dude out for heresy!
ReplyHmm you guys are creative writers but don't be creative with the facts! Inquisition began in 1500s, how can St Louis expand it in 1200s?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAny five year old kid (other than an American) can tell you that Alfred is not a saint! He's called great sure but he is not a saint. His teacher the Venerable Bede is.
BTW whose the jackass who said Joan of Arc isn't a saint?
There were Inquisitions besides the Spanish one that you most likely learned about via Monty Python. The Medieval Inquisition began in the mid-1100's, for instance. Go Google "Ad exstirpanda" and tell me there was no inquisition in the 1200's. Not bad for an American.
"He is regarded as a saint by some Catholics, but has never been officially canonized."
This article does not say "6 official saints who could kick your ass"
The wikipedia has spoken.
Josh and Adan beat me to the punch... Either way, stop bashing Americans. It's just not cool anymore.
Especially not on an AMERICAN humor website. It's like if you went shouting insults at people who drink beer while you were at a bar.
St. Augustine is kinda obvious, but I feel like he deserves a mention just for his "Da mihi castitatem" line.
ReplyAnd how many people (or even saints) get to brag about being the "Patron Saint of Sinners"? You have to do some serious s**t and do even more miraculous s**t to get that title...
Wait! What? How does that even work?!
I forget his name (Think he's one of the St. Francises) but he definitely deserves a spot on this list. Guy lived in this little village on the coast of some Eurpoean place or other. One day, someone sees a bunch of pirates off in the distance. Everyone is calling for an evacuation, but St Francis tells them to stay, presumably saying "Calm the f**k down. I'm freaking St. Francis, b***h"
ReplyThe next day, he goes off to the coast to meet the pirates. The pirates demand that the village surrender so they only kill and rape about half the villagers. St. Francis tells them to f**k off. Seriously. He just tells them to go away. Historians theorize that as he did this he was shooting lightning out of his eyes and cutting bare steel with his erect nipples because the Pirates all ran back onto the ship and ran off.
Please, write an article about that. PLEASE. I would kill...uh...TyroneTellis to read that article.
Hell, I'd kill you to read that article!
What about Moses the Black? The guy was a bandit in Egypt who became a monk to escape prosecution, and one of the most badass saints ever. One time a group of thieves came into the temple to steal from the offering plates, and he handed them their asses with his bare hands. Then, because his vows prevented him from killing them, he tied them up and dropped them at the feet of the leader of the monks, and asked what he should do. The thieves ended up joining the monks themselves.
ReplyUh, guys, there were navies before England....
ReplyBut not English navies. Hah.
"The result is that the British Royal Navy and the US Navy now recognize Alfred as the founder of the tradition."
u forgot something about olav. he was killed w/ a spear trough hes balls. also, when he died, someone tied stones to hes hands and threw him in a lake. and he said "f*** you" and decided to float. and then they buried him and dug him up a few years later only to discover that he hadn't rotted and hes hair and nails had grown.
Reply