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Our culture is full of manly men doing manly things. And those men, invariably, have manly names. John Rambo. John Matrix. John McClane. Hollywood writers know what side their bread's buttered when it comes to first names. But, then there are those real-life men walking around who, by design or coincidence, have been gifted with names so manly you'd expect their penis to rip free of their pants and attack passersby. We've compiled a list of the 9 men with the manliest names in the world. #9
Lance Armstrong
The Name: The Man: Anyway, Lance got cancer in his testicle, abdomen, lungs and brain, and then, instead of curling into a little ball and giving the hell up like a lot of us might have, he beat the cancer (in our imaginations, with a hammer). Then, he went on to win the Tour de France seven consecutive times. Nowadays, Armstrong is retired from cycling and does speaking tours and writes inspirational books which make us feel really inspired and happy, and then a little later as we microwave last night's pizza and settle in to watch America's Got Talent, really shitty. Does He Live Up to It? The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier: #8.
Powers Boothe
The Name: The last name admittedly leaves a little to be desired, especially with the extra "e", but the whole thing has a certain poetry to it as it rolls off the tongue and kicks you in the face. The Man: Does He Live Up to It? Not to mention he ROCKS a mustache like few can. A quick survey of the CRACKED offices found that mustaches are far and away the most manly of facial hair. The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier: #7.
Max Planck
The Name: The Man: He was also awarded the 1918 Nobel Prize in Physics, which is like getting the lifetime achievement Oscar, or being employed as personal gigolo to Scarlett Johansson. He was also smart enough to hold his own with close friend and colleague Albert Einstein, which we like to think was probably also like being employed as personal gigolo to Scarlett Johansson in some way. Does He Live Up to It? Also (and this is documented) he was an avid hiker for most of his life, and once climbed 3,000 meters into the German Alps at the age of 85 in the middle of World War Fucking II. The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier: A good name should always have a covert threat embedded in it. Max Planker: He planked his first man when he was 7 and he hasn't stopped since. He'll hit you right in the goddamn face with a length of wood in a way that makes your quantums explode. #6.
Commander Flex Plexico
The Name: Also, we're not sure what genealogy the name "Plexico" springs from, but it sounds like one of Flex's forebears was adopted by a manufacturing company, possibly as an adorable mascot. The Man: In the interests of full disclosure, Flex's actual birth name is "Alvin." However, he's referred to in news reports and even official websites as "Flex," so we're letting it through. For extra bonus points, he's also the only man on this list (that we know of) with a song written about him. Does He Live Up to It? The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier: #5.
Dr. Duncan Steel
The Name: The Man: "A few bullet points about my background: Does He Live Up to It? That's right, he's Bruce Willis in Armageddon. The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier: #4.
Stirling Mortlock
The Name: However, its two halves manage to come out the other side of ridiculous into an amazing whole. When we hear this name, we see a medieval warrior, killing dragons and bedding wenches--and not just because we've taken a large amount of psychotropic substances. The Man: Not to mention, he's Australian, which means to reach adulthood he's already survived horrors most of us couldn't imagine in our worst nightmares. Does He Live Up to It? The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier: Therefore, we suggest "Stonecrusher Mortlock." We know that's not a real name. We don't care. #3.
Magnus Ver Magnusson
The Name: The Man: No, seriously, it's official. Or, at least he was the strongest man in the world four times, winning the World Strongman contest in 1991 and then from 1994-96. The guy's a man mountain. Watch him in action in his final Strongman contest at the sunset of his career and still comfortably beating guys who can lift cars over their heads: Does He Live Up to It? The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier: Well, we're not sure how Nordic naming conventions go, but wouldn't his son be named Magnus Ver Magnusson Ver Magnusson? Nah, you can't improve it. Sorry. #2.
Dick Pound
The Name: Hmmm. Dick Pound. An intern gave us this one. He insisted it be on the list. "Richard" isn't especially manly, and neither is British currency. Is this a trick? Dick Pound. Dick ... Pound. The Man: Nope, nothing there (although "Stikeman Elliott" actually isn't too bad.) But, Dick Pound? Dick? Pound. Does He Live Up to It?
We certainly can't see anything there. The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier: #1.
Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster
The Name: Fightmaster is the kind of name we all wish we were born with. And, the irony is that it's the one name that will prevent you from ever having to actually fight anybody. If you ever get into a scuffle at a bar, before the fists start swinging, people would pull the other guy back shouting, "No you fool! He's Max Fightmaster! Think about this for a second!" Max Fightmaster. Holy shit. The Man: We know, it blew our damn minds, as well. You think, sure, he's talking to the news and he just makes up a fake name, like the e-mail Bill O'Reilly read on the air from "Jack Mehoffer." But no, we looked him up and he's a real guy. He also has a MySpace, although it's set to private, denying casual browsers the insight into what Fightmaster gets up to day-to-day. However, we like to think it's probably something completely fucking awesome. Does He Live Up to It? This means Max's full name and title is STAFF SGT. MAX FIGHTMASTER. That is the manliest name on the planet. Hands down, bar none. Just saying that name will put hair on your chest. Even if you're a woman. Girls, please don't say Max's name out loud. The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier: Oh, wait, there you go. Just make "Fucking" an official part of the name. We think it's almost impossible to say the name without it anyway. |
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Awesome article, although I have to add one more:
BATMAN BIN SUPERMAN.
I s**t you not. Batman, son of Superman lives in Indonesia. Max Fightmaster just got relegated to #2. Honestly, he has Batman and Superman in his name, apparently as son and father. IF this doesn't deserve an entry, nothing does.
When I'm not feeling lazy (never), I might post a screenshot of his driver's license.
join the unofficial facebook group celebrating the guy with the most manly name.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=29232812294
I forgot to add that he only goes to church to repent his sins from the major asskicking he does on a daily basis.
The Max Fightmaster that they are speaking of is real. He has been a member at our church in canton, ohio and runs sound for the praise band. Currently he is in Eygpt for a one year tour and is due back late this summer. I'm going to print this out and show him and the other members of the praise band and also give a copy to his wife as she attends weekly. To sum it all up I have eaten dinner and hung out with the manliest named man in the world. I find this all too funny.
Grizzly Savage Steel! Hes a real guy, he works as a factory worker for dodge with my grandpa. I think he's named after Grizzly Adams.
Max Power.....i got it off the side of a hairdryer
Sorry, boys 'n' girls, but i think you'll have to update. If you take dead people, at least. For take a look at this one:
General der Kavallerie Edmund Freiherr von Krieghammer
okay, first three are his title, but damn it, the guy's last name was warhammer! There's a von in there too, and edmund's not bad in a sleazy, goatee-and-eyepatch sort of way... Plus he used to be austria-hungary's war minister, during WWI, no less...
I used to work at a call center and one time i got a customer who's name was Skip Flinders, I thought that was awesome but not as awesome as having a boss with the name Richard Cole, and actualy getting to call your boss Dick Cole
During Gulf War one I was watching CNN and after a mission they interviewed a pilot with a name I never forgot for its sheer American badassery :
Randy Starbuck.
I just Googled Randy and sure enough there is one out there, whether it's the same one who visited smart-bomb death on the Iraqi Republican Guard I'd like to think so.
There's a guy who works at my work called Fergus Manson.
Also, Bear Grylls isn't his real name. It's Edward Michael 'Bear' Grylls. so that's only his nickname.
Gotta give him credit though, for calling two of his kids Marmaduke and Huckleberry.
Charles H Bonesteel III. Chuck Bonesteel beats Chuck Norris, No?
Richard Quest of CNN International.
Patrick Warburton as Brock Samson on Venture Bros.
Ian "Lemmy" Kilmister of Motorhead.
Bear Grylls of Man versus Wild.
Mr. Powers of my 9th grade algebra class and PJH wrestling.
john brockington (played rb with the green bay packers), mylo moss,(friend from high school), and sfc. lamarr strong, (my senior drill sgt. from basic training ft.sill,ok).... that's my list.
Reading the article that mentions Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster, which I have to say is freaking awesome, it says he's a computer technician. I get funny mental images when I picture Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster sitting in front of a computer all day, lol.
A kid my brother trains with for the army is called something Sauvage, but pronounced Savage. This kid will be a soldier, who kills people every day, and his name is already Savage. He's apparently the only one without a call sign because he doesn't f*****g need one.
What about anyone with the last name "Slaughter"?
ARTHUR F*CKING KIRKLAND.
...(An underlying manly aura.)
TRAVIS. TOUCHDOWN.
THE PURE MANLINESS MAKES YOU WANNA HIGH-FIVE SOMEONE.
IN THE FACE.
Actor Rider Strong should be on this list. Yes, he played Shawn on Boy Meets World.
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Dick Butkus.
The greatest, mind-f*****g, ball-shrinkingly powerful linebacker ever.
Just saying.