The 9 Manliest Names in the World


Our culture is full of manly men doing manly things. And those men, invariably, have manly names. John Rambo. John Matrix. John McClane. Hollywood writers know what side their bread's buttered when it comes to first names.

But, then there are those real-life men walking around who, by design or coincidence, have been gifted with names so manly you'd expect their penis to rip free of their pants and attack passersby. We've compiled a list of the 9 men with the manliest names in the world.

Lance Armstrong

The Name:
It's impossible to hear this name without picturing many men getting impaled on a battlefield. He's got the lance, and he's got the arm strength to drive it through you and the four guys standing behind you.

The Man:
Some will argue that we should have gone with the guy who walked on the moon instead of the guy who rides bikes for a living. But, come on. Neil? Please. Come back when you've got a man's name, space cowboy.

Anyway, Lance got cancer in his testicle, abdomen, lungs and brain, and then, instead of curling into a little ball and giving the hell up like a lot of us might have, he beat the cancer (in our imaginations, with a hammer).

Then, he went on to win the Tour de France seven consecutive times. Nowadays, Armstrong is retired from cycling and does speaking tours and writes inspirational books which make us feel really inspired and happy, and then a little later as we microwave last night's pizza and settle in to watch America's Got Talent, really shitty.

Does He Live Up to It?
Lance doesn't rank higher because, quite frankly, cycling just barely involves using your arms. So the Armstrong thing is kind of wasted.

The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
Lance Legstrong? No, that's more accurate, but also ridiculous. In fact, most of the names we came up with sound weird in English, like "Lightning-Legs." But, maybe in another language ... Babel Fish tells us "Lightning Legs" in German is "Blitzbeine," and Lance Blitzbeine does have a nice ring to it.

Powers Boothe

The Name:
A strong, solid name. The first name especially leaves the reader wondering, "What kind of powers? Mind control? Flight? Laser-beam eyes? It's laser-beam eyes, isn't it?"

The last name admittedly leaves a little to be desired, especially with the extra "e", but the whole thing has a certain poetry to it as it rolls off the tongue and kicks you in the face.

The Man:
Boothe is a respected stage and screen actor, with over 30 years and an Emmy Award to his manly name. You might have seen him in the violence and expletive-filled movie Sin City or the expletive and violence-filled HBO show Deadwood.

Does He Live Up to It?
While acting isn't always considered the manliest of pastimes, Boothe is known for playing vicious bastards. Also, he did have pretty big balls to actually accept his Emmy, which came during the 1980 Screen Actors Guild strike. There was a very real chance that by accepting the award he could have killed his career, which he acknowledged in his acceptance speech: "This may be either the bravest moment of my career or the dumbest." Most manly acts tend to be described in both those ways.

Not to mention he ROCKS a mustache like few can. A quick survey of the CRACKED offices found that mustaches are far and away the most manly of facial hair.

The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
Superpowers Boothe.

Max Planck

The Name:
Great name. It's got the solid "Max" and the mental image of a man as rigid and unyielding as a thick piece of lumber. A name like this, you're probably either a carpenter or pirate.

The Man:
Well, he was neither of those. He was, however, a brilliant scientist, being one of the founders of modern quantum theory. One of the key parts of the theory, Planck's Constant, is named after him. In science, getting something named after you is like getting the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl or being employed as personal gigolo to Scarlett Johansson.

He was also awarded the 1918 Nobel Prize in Physics, which is like getting the lifetime achievement Oscar, or being employed as personal gigolo to Scarlett Johansson. He was also smart enough to hold his own with close friend and colleague Albert Einstein, which we like to think was probably also like being employed as personal gigolo to Scarlett Johansson in some way.

Does He Live Up to It?
Planck lived in an era when even scientists had to climb mountains and wrestle bears on occasion. There's no documented record of which bears Planck actually wrestled, if any, but he did live a large part of his life in rural areas of Europe, and you have to imagine the problem arose occasionally.

Also (and this is documented) he was an avid hiker for most of his life, and once climbed 3,000 meters into the German Alps at the age of 85 in the middle of World War Fucking II.

The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
Max Planker.

A good name should always have a covert threat embedded in it. Max Planker: He planked his first man when he was 7 and he hasn't stopped since. He'll hit you right in the goddamn face with a length of wood in a way that makes your quantums explode.

Commander Flex Plexico

The Name:
This guy is a walking action figure. This one almost defies analysis, because what kind of parents call their kid "Flex?" Awesome ones, that's what kind.

Also, we're not sure what genealogy the name "Plexico" springs from, but it sounds like one of Flex's forebears was adopted by a manufacturing company, possibly as an adorable mascot.

The Man:
The good commander is a Pentagon defense spokesman, who dealt a lot with detainee issues at Guantanamo Bay. Basically, he is the man who stands there while the world's journalists demand the truth. And Flex tells them they can't handle the truth, and then he jumps into a Jeep with an American flag fluttering in the background while inspiring orchestral music swells and he drives into the sunset.

In the interests of full disclosure, Flex's actual birth name is "Alvin." However, he's referred to in news reports and even official websites as "Flex," so we're letting it through. For extra bonus points, he's also the only man on this list (that we know of) with a song written about him.

Does He Live Up to It?
Not too bad at all. The guy's a commander in the armed forces. He loses man-points, because the force in question is the U.S. Navy, but the White House gig would probably keep him on dry land and away from the seamen.

The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
Commander Flex Sexplex.

Dr. Duncan Steel

The Name:
The title is what makes this one. This man gets to be called "Doctor Steel" on a daily basis. That is so awesome that we're thinking of forming a heavy metal band just so we can call it that. We can't believe there hasn't been some sort of comic book/cartoon villain with this name. Not even a James Bond film. Madness.

The Man:
We're know what you're thinking: "There's probably LOTS of doctors out there with the last name Steel! What's the big deal with this guy?" Well, we'll let the good Doctor speak for himself, through his personal Web page:

"A few bullet points about my background:

-There is a robot named for me in Arthur C. Clarke's novel 'The Hammer of God'

-Have worked in the past for both NASA and ESA

-Lived in the UK, USA, New Zealand, Australia and Sweden, and visited over eighty other countries

-Observed comet Hale-Bopp from the Malibu Beach rooftop Jacuzzi of a movie producer whilst discussing the script for a TV mini-series about asteroids

-Introduced the Sex Pistols in their first-ever completed gig (November 1975)

-One of six foreign members of NASA' Spaceguard committee in 1991-92; only non-US member of the Near-Earth Object Interception and Deflection committee"

Does He Live Up to It?
Did you catch the last item on the list there? He's on the team of guys whose job it is to blow up a fucking asteroid if it threatens the Earth.

That's right, he's Bruce Willis in Armageddon.

The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
We've got to lose the Duncan. John Steel is good, Victor Steel is better. Foreign names are cool, so throw in a "von" for good measure. "Doctor Victor Von Steel." Nice. You can picture him standing in his hollowed-out mountain, next to his asteroid-destroying laser. Now, we just need to design his costume.

Stirling Mortlock

The Name:
When you think about it, this is a ridiculous name. Its individual names would not have worked in a different setting. "Stirling Smith" probably got a wedgie every day at school, and "Cecil Mortlock" very likely had his head dumped in the toilet nearly as often.

However, its two halves manage to come out the other side of ridiculous into an amazing whole. When we hear this name, we see a medieval warrior, killing dragons and bedding wenches--and not just because we've taken a large amount of psychotropic substances.

The Man:
Mortlock is the current Captain of the Australian Wallabies & ACT Brumbies Rugby Union teams. Mortlock has the record for reaching 50 and 100 test points in the shortest ever time. We're not quite sure how the scoring works in rugby, but we suspect the Wallabies were just given a point every time he ran onto the field with that name on his shirt.

Not to mention, he's Australian, which means to reach adulthood he's already survived horrors most of us couldn't imagine in our worst nightmares.

Does He Live Up to It?
Rugby Union is a game where large men run at each other and then stomp on each other with spiked boots for 80 minutes. Mortlock is considered especially good at it.

The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
It's hard to see how. The only way we can see is to lose the "Stirling." It's too clean-sounding, and reminds us of that polish you use to shine silverware. Real men are dirty and smelly and proud of it. You need a dirty name to match the "Mortlock."

Therefore, we suggest "Stonecrusher Mortlock." We know that's not a real name. We don't care.

Magnus Ver Magnusson

The Name:
Nordic naming conventions mean that his name essentially means "Magnus son of Magnus" which immediately brings to mind a line of men, all Magnuses, doing incredibly manly things through the ages. This is a damn solid entry, and you can never go wrong with a nice "Ver" or Von" or "Mac" in there somewhere.

The Man:
Magnus Ver Magnusson is the strongest man in the world.

No, seriously, it's official. Or, at least he was the strongest man in the world four times, winning the World Strongman contest in 1991 and then from 1994-96. The guy's a man mountain.

Watch him in action in his final Strongman contest at the sunset of his career and still comfortably beating guys who can lift cars over their heads:

Does He Live Up to It?
Well, considering the name sounds like a nordic strongman, and Magnus is ... a nordic strongman, we say not too damn bad at all.

The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
What, are you people made of stone? Magnus Ver Magnusson, and you want it manlier?

Well, we're not sure how Nordic naming conventions go, but wouldn't his son be named Magnus Ver Magnusson Ver Magnusson? Nah, you can't improve it. Sorry.

Dick Pound

The Name:
Um ... we actually aren't quite sure why this one's on the list, to be honest. Dick Pound?

Hmmm. Dick Pound. An intern gave us this one. He insisted it be on the list. "Richard" isn't especially manly, and neither is British currency. Is this a trick? Dick Pound. Dick ... Pound.

The Man:
We're really drawing a blank on this guy. His Wikipedia page tells us he's a lawyer in the firm Stikeman Elliott and the chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) based in Montreal.

Nope, nothing there (although "Stikeman Elliott" actually isn't too bad.) But, Dick Pound?



Does He Live Up to It?
Well, he's done fine we guess, for a normal guy with a completely ordinary name. He wrote a book ...

We certainly can't see anything there.

The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
Well, since we seem to be out of the loop on this one so we just asked the intern, who suggested adding "Brown" to the end of the name. Then, he said it over and over again, laughing like a hyena.

Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster

The Name:
Holy shit! Just ... holy shit.

Fightmaster is the kind of name we all wish we were born with. And, the irony is that it's the one name that will prevent you from ever having to actually fight anybody. If you ever get into a scuffle at a bar, before the fists start swinging, people would pull the other guy back shouting, "No you fool! He's Max Fightmaster! Think about this for a second!"

Max Fightmaster. Holy shit.

The Man:
Look, we know you probably don't believe us but we promise you there is a real, actual guy called Max Fightmaster. He was mentioned on CBS News in an article about the Iraq war.

We know, it blew our damn minds, as well. You think, sure, he's talking to the news and he just makes up a fake name, like the e-mail Bill O'Reilly read on the air from "Jack Mehoffer." But no, we looked him up and he's a real guy. He also has a MySpace, although it's set to private, denying casual browsers the insight into what Fightmaster gets up to day-to-day. However, we like to think it's probably something completely fucking awesome.

Does He Live Up to It?
Max Fightmaster is also in the army, or at least he was in 2003. The awesome part? His rank: Staff Sergeant.

This means Max's full name and title is STAFF SGT. MAX FIGHTMASTER. That is the manliest name on the planet. Hands down, bar none. Just saying that name will put hair on your chest. Even if you're a woman.

Girls, please don't say Max's name out loud.

The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
Where do you go when your name is already Staff Sgt. Max fucking Fightmaster?

Oh, wait, there you go. Just make "Fucking" an official part of the name. We think it's almost impossible to say the name without it anyway.

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