5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity
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Nothing in the known universe is more badass than a kung fu movie star. Yet, when a superstar battles his way to the top of Badass Mountain, something happens--something terrible and difficult to watch. These are the men who fell from awesome to ridiculous with horrifying speed: #5.
Steven Seagal
With all of the embarrassment Seagal has brought upon himself in the last 10 years, it's tempting to forget that he is a bad, bad man. Steven Seagal is an aikido master--a martial art less concerned with form than inflicting ridiculous amounts of damage to people's load-bearing joints. Seagal began his martial arts career in Japan, where he was one of the first foreigners to open a dojo there. The Japanese taught Seagal aikido, at which point we assume he said something along the lines of "I've got some lessons of my own to teach," then promptly flew to Japan to teach it back to them the right way. If you are pregnant or nursing, have a history of heart condition or stomach problems, please consult a doctor before reading the following list of facts about Seagal, all 100 percent true and each more badass than the last: 1: Steven Seagal is a recognized Tulku--a Buddhist holy man who reincarnates repeatedly by choice; presumably if you kill him, he can choose to come back as a grizzly bear that hungers only for vengeance. 2: Steven Seagal is not only a deputy sheriff in his hometown of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana; he's also on the SWAT Team and is responsible for their training. 3: Steven Seagal adopts homeless animals. Not so badass? His two dogs are named Chaos and Fist. Holy shit! Here's your ass, by the way, you might want it back after Seagal's life knocked it off of you. Steven Seagal was not an elegant man. His action scenes, unlike their Hong Kong counterparts, were not about elaborate or flashy moves. They were about breaking your arms mostly, in the quickest and easiest ways possible. Seagal showed up dressed in black leather, greased-back hair and gold chains, resembling nothing more than a New York Guido out for kicks on a Saturday night. Then, to everybody's amazement, you watched as he flipped men around his head by the dozens to a soundtrack of bones snapping so fast and in such numbers, it was like setting off Chinese firecrackers in a bowl of Rice Krispies. Seagal took the sometimes condescending sophistication out of martial arts movies. He was there to do business, and may God have mercy on your elbows if you took issue with it. Most Epic Moment Caught on Film:This clip from Out for Justice hearkens back to his early days of rapid fire limb-breaking and terrifying, albeit somewhat confusing threats, such as: "Whose hot dog is this, eh? That yours?!" Seagal casually, almost absent-mindedly beats the shit out of most of New Jersey in this video, using a billiard ball wrapped in a bar towel. This clip is six-minutes long and there are six arms broken in those minutes. Take a minute and count 'em. Did you only come up with five? That's because the sixth arm is yours. Go ahead. Check. Then get yourself to a hospital. Tell them Seagal sent you--they've got a special ward all ready to go. The Sad Decline:
Seagal soon decided to incorporate his newfound love of everything asshole into his movies, and the blue collar cop characters that made him famous gradually morphed into EPA agents protecting rivers and fighting big business. After the repeated failure of his box office releases, Seagal decided to focus on music and cut a blues album called The Crystal Cave, a title which could not spell out 'hippie dickhead' any clearer if you wrote it out on a Hacky Sack and hung it from a puka shell necklace. Most Pathetic Moment Caught on Film:This is Seagal's music video, "Girl, it's alright," from the album "Mojo Priest," which manages to one up "Crystal Cave" as the single phrase most likely to cause spontaneous rage-vomiting. Watch carefully for a prime example of douchebaggery as Seagal romances what appears to be a 14-year-old Asian girl in a Buddhist temple while crooning platitudes you usually only hear right before you're date-raped in a Lifetime Network movie of the week. Also watch for Seagal's bloated bulk squeezed into a shimmering gold and red foil two-piece, inadvertently causing him to resemble a 7-11 hot dog. |
Seagal's martial arts and film career went downhill pretty fast, but even more disappointing than that was his personal descent into the foul and dank valleys of Douchebag County. Early Seagal characters were all about the everyman, they were inner-city cops by and large; unsophisticated and unconcerned with anything but justice, preferably street justice, if you have it. By contrast, Seagal himself became more and more of an unapproachable bottle of dick with every year that passed. He was an early adopter of such douchebag traits as: Fascination with a cheap, cursory sort of Asian spirituality, the sensitive pony-tail, pseudo-environmentalism and of course, the frat boy guitar.
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Hey Gayinator, you reminded me of a man I met a couple of years ago named Ji Han Jae. He is a 10th Dan black belt and the founder of Hapkido. Which if you are unfamiliar with Hapkido, is the art of putting someone in a ridiculous amount of pain without actually killing them. He was 73 I believe at the time and I'm pretty sure he could make a man cry by looking at him. He also trained Bruce Lee. Seriously.
Chuck lost all respect when he wrote on his regular ultra right wing christian blog when asked What would he do if he was president he replied "I would tattoo the American flag and IN GOD WE TRUST on the forehead of every atheist.
What a tool.
Probably the lowest point any of these guys reached was when Seagal started to think he actually was one of his movies characters and started claiming he was an ex-CIA Black-Ops agent but he couldn't tell you about it and there were no records because it was so secret.
Mr Seagal's character has a poor understanding of how one performs an investigation. I am no expert, but after watching hundreds of hours of Law and Order, Forensic Files, The Investigators, I am pretty sure he just ruined any legal case the department may have had, as well as blowing its budget for the next several years on personal injury lawsuits and civil rights violations.
awesome :D
Why they didnt just shoot the Seagal in Out for Justice? Oh yeah, cause they had a guy named Sticks to take care of business.
Chuck Norris' REAL most pathetic moment? When he tried to take Ian Spector to court over the first Chuck Norris facts book. He actually believed that a bunch of silly jokes would be damaging to his career. That is like saying that a light drizzle would be damaging to my Buick. Light drizzle doesn't damage anything, and I junked my Buick years ago.
IM SORRY BUT THE ONLY GUY HERE WHO IS TRUELY HARDCORE IS STEVEN SEAGAL! BECAUSE I RECKON STILL TO THIS DAY IF YOU STEP ON HIS TOE WHILE WAITING IN THE POPCORN LINE AT THE CINEMA, HE'LL BEAT YOU DOWN LIKE A RED HEADED STEP CHILD!!!
Growing up, Bruce and Carradine became symbols for me. I admired Bruce because of how hard he worked to become the man people will remember him as. Carradine on the other hand made me realized that despite the fact that you're unqualified, you can get anything you want on a silver platter for bullshit reasons.
PS-Chuck Norris jokes are not funny anymore.
Poor David Carradine Died From Asphyhxiation While Chokin'His Chicken In a Bangkok Hotel Room!!!
Bsically,Auto Erotic Asphyxiation Is Usually Practiced By Teen Aged Boys,
Not 60 Something Washed Up Action Stars!!!
Chuck Norris Wouldn't Die From Auto Erotic Asphyixiantion!!
No,When Chuck Norris Chokes His Chicken,He Chokes A Real Chicken!!!
"Damn You Stink Man!!".
Out of context, that Steven Seagal clip kind of makes him seem like an a*****e.
The rank of 8th degree black belt doesn't just sound badass. You have to be badass to possess the title. I know one, an eighty-something (he, for some weird reason, claimed to be eighty-five for three years straight, then said he was eighty-two. He's kind of weird) year old man who lives in Michigan. He was the instructor of my Tae Kwon Do instructor. It was a moderately famous news story in the area when a burglar broke into his house and attacked him with a knife when he told him to leave. The man broke his wrist and threw him out the window, then called the police, only sustaining a single cut to the thigh. He was in his late seventies at the time (or so he said at that point in time). Strange personality, but he's a complete badass.
Kwai Chang Caine was supposed to be the first white man allowed into the monastery.
According to an interview I watched during my recent David Carradine marathon, the stuff about him being cast in Kung Fu due to racism is mostly rumour. He did concede that he got most of his inspiration from Spock, however.
R.I.P. David Carradine.
The lyrics of the song Van Damme dances is something like "Motorcycle dance, motorcycle dance! Big butted females loose control!"
Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm ashamed of my country's culture...
Not more ashamed than Belgians must be.
To be fair to Chuck Norris, in that clip he doesn't drive the bear off by the power of his retirement-age muscles but instead by the power of his over-inflated ego. Even Chuck knows a human being outwrestling a grizzly bear would be farking ridiculous.
I once jumped in front of David Caradine at a convention, gave him a karate pose & yelled, "HAIIII!" & he just walked by me. p***y. True story.
Oh what-the-f**k-ever. Chuck Norris pwned that f*****g bear.
Shame on you, Cracked. Shame on you for doubting Norris. I emailed him a link to this. Watch your asses.
Van Damme is back now with JCVD.
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You know I honestly thought that the link to the video of Walker flying a jet pack was just going to send me to a page that said "Nah...We were just f*****g with you, Walker was a bad show, but not THAT bad" I'm sorry I was disappointed.