Martial Arts
Martial arts is the deadly art of killing people the way your grandfather used to--with your bare hands.
Just The Facts
- Martial arts is the best way to kill someone when no weapons are available.
- Martial arts is the best way to kill someone even when weapons are available.
- Martial arts has inspired various movies and video games and romance novels.
Styles of Martial Arts:
See Cracked article: 6 Great Martial Arts for Killing a Man with Your Bare Hands.
Krav Maga:
It was developed by Israelis who got together to protect themselves from Hitler. Krav Maga is the martial art of the Israeli special forces. As a matter of fact, Krav Maga means "Oh shit, let's get out of here" in Palestinian. Unlike most other martial arts, Krav Maga focuses on defending knife and gun attacks and killing/gouging out the eyes of/groin smashing multiple attackers as well as deadly strikes.
Ninjitsu:
Ninjas are secret assassins from Japan. Batman trained in ninjitsu.
When ninjas go out to kill someone or make a movie, they always make sure they are prepared. Here are some of the things ninjas typically bring with them:
Pictured above: ninja outfit, ninja sword, ninja boots, and ninja climbing claws.
The ancient art of the ninja was almost lost until the spirit of capitalism aroused the dormant assassin. A drama student named Stephen Hayes went to Japan to search out the ancient art. He met a man named Masaaki Hatsumi, who taught him the way of the ninja and they have been selling it and writing books about it ever since. For $35.00, you too can learn the secrets of the ninja with this:
Here's one of the ninja secrets: What do ninjas eat? Brown rice. If you are out on an assassination job and can't cook it on the stove, put it on a hot rock and let it cook in the sun. For the rest of the secrets, you will have to buy the book.
Karate:
Karate was developed in Okinawa and focuses primarily on strikes and stances and kata - a series of rehearsed movements. Karate also has belts ranging from white to black. Traditionally, the belts weren't colored. They were just the only part of the uniform that never got washed, so a fighter's belt got darker with training.
Kung Fu:
Unlike other martial arts styles, kung fu is fucking weird. Kung fu lethally combines the moves of the praying mantis, the monkey, the drunkard, silk button up pajamas, and bizzare weapons.
Kung fu is one of the fastest martial arts. It has such moves as the one inch punch, which kind of makes up for the weirdness:
Aikido:
Perhaps the only martial art without any strikes. It relies on joint locks and using your opponent's momentum against him. Steven Seagal uses Aikido.
In his movies/SNES video games, Steven Seagal uses a bastardized version of Aikido because a martial arts movie/game with no kicking or punching is lame:
Muay Thai:
Muay Thai has some of the most deadly strikes in martial arts. Muay Thai weapons include the elbows, the knees, and the shins.
See how Muay Thai matches up against other martial arts, courtesy of National Geographic:
Jeet Kune Do:
Jeet Kune Do was invented by Bruce Lee. He took the best parts of different martial arts and stitched together JKD. It focuses mainly on hopping around, making noises, and keeping your mouth open. And kicking ass. One of Bruce Lee's students asked him one time advice on how to make his kicks faster. Bruce Lee responded, "Kick faster."
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu:
Made popular by the Gracies in Brazil, BJJ focuses on joint locks and chokes. If a fight goes to the ground, it will be won by whoever has better BJJ.
Capoeira:
Capoeira was developed by African slaves taken to Brazil. It is a mixture of dance and ass kicking.
Martial Arts in Movies:
Enter the Dragon:
Effect on pop culture martial arts: Set the standard for bad ass.
Bruce Lee goes to a martial arts tournament held by an international one-armed drug lord. Bruce Lee is up against killer prostitutes, mirrors, snakes, martial arts soldiers, the man who raped his sister and dishonored his temple, and the one armed drug lord himself. Unlike your typical one-armed drug lord, this drug lord knows kung fu and has interchangeable knife/claw hands.
Kung Fu Hustle:
The effect on martial arts pop culture: The first romantic comedy about kung fu. Paved the way for men being able to watch kung fu movies with their girlfriends.
A romantic comedy about Kung Fu, Chinese Mafia, poverty, and hatchet murders.
Shaolin Soccer (same cast): Kind of like Happy Gilmore, but replace Hockey with Kung Fu, golf with soccer, and Adam Sandler with a guy who has skill.
Karate Kid:
The effect on martial arts pop culture: showed everyone that with minimal training, you can challenge black belts in martial arts and steal their ex-girlfriends.
Daniel moves to Modesto and gets beat up by local hooligans. The maintenance man in his apartment building is Asian, and naturally Daniel assumes that the Asian man can teach him karate. The Asian man makes Daniel do manual labor for him and Daniel infers a mastery of karate from this and also watches the maintenance man practicing a kick at the beach. The hooligans challenge Daniel to a karate tournament and Daniel wins using the kick he saw the maintenance man use on the beach.
Ong Bak:
Effect on pop culture martial arts: Brings Muay Thai into the picture as the world's most deadly martial art.
Thai mafia saws off the head of Ong Bak, a small village's Buddha statue. The village, without the spiritual protection of the Ong Bak, the village becomes victim to drought and sends the village Muay Thai warrior, played by Tony Jaa, into the city to recapture Ong Bak's head. Tony Jaa messes up everyone who gets in his way. As if the storyline needed any help, cage fighters keep getting in his way and in order to get Ong Bak's head back, he must fight in a series of underground martial arts matches. Also, there is a golf cart chase scene that has explosions.
The Protector (same cast): Tony Jaa is from a small village in Thailand. Thai mafia Australia branch steals two of Tony Jaa's elephants and take them back to Australia. Tony Jaa goes to Australia to get his elephants back and messes up everyone who gets in his way. Tony Jaa shows off his ability to fight thousands of men at a time.
The Perfect Weapon:
The effect on martial arts pop culture: Showed good old fashioned karate can still mess people up.
Jeffrey Speakman is an out of control youth. The only thing that can calm his savagery is the discipline of Kempo Karate and Escrima sticks. He becomes a deadly dangerous rugged tight jeaned loner with the speed of a rattlesnake. Then, Chinese mafia members kill his sensei. The only way to get to the bottom of the murder is punching, kicking, and using Escrima sticks to fight his way to the mafia leader.
Best of the Best:
The effect on martial arts pop culture: Created the genre: martial arts action drama.
James Earl Jones is putting together a team of elite martial artists to compete in a Korean Tae Kwon Do match. In doing so, he sets the stage for martial arts action drama. Here's how: 1) A one-eyed member of the Korean team killed the older brother of one of the members of the American team, and 2) Julia Roberts's brother is on the American's team. All sorts of martial arts and drama ensue. It cumulates with both teams hugging each other's broken bodies at the end of the tournament and crying.
Ricki-Oh:
The effect on martial arts pop culture: pioneer film in martial arts extreme violence.
Ricki-oh uses his martial arts skills to punch holes in people, punch people's heads off, punch their arms off, and just mess people up hardcore. The low budget for special effects combined with the high creativity for death scenes created an unrivaled recipe for campiness.
American Ninja:
The effect on martial arts pop culture: Displays some of the many powers of the ninja, such as catching arrows in mid air and shooting lasers, which paved the way for the commercial whoring of Ninjitsu.
A band of ninjas attack a military base. The ninjas assumed that since the it was an American military base, that there wouldn't be any ninjas among them. They were wrong. Joe, the American Ninja, fights the ninja henchment, bangs the Colonel's daughter, and then fights the master ninja, who shoots lasers out of his arms. Then he makes like 8 sequels, which were horrible.
Martial Arts Weapons:
History:
Most karate weapons were improvised farm weapons because the samurai wouldn't let the peasant farmers train with real weapons. Here are a few examples.
Nunchucks:
In retrospect, letting Okinawan farmers harvest rice with Nunchuks turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes ever made. Not only do they appear to be a pretty retarded harvesting tool, but they kick serious ass. They consist of two small staves connected by a small piece of rope or chain. They are whipped around to create great force.
Follow one boy's journey through the years as he progresses in nunchuk skill (and diabetes):
Sai:
Katana: The samurai weapon of choice. Extremely sharp and slightly curved.
Bo Staff: A large stick used to swing around and hit people.
Shuriken: Ninjas hid these all over inside their costumes.
Escrima Sticks: A half-sized staff used to mess people up.
Martial Arts Myths
1. Ninjas Can Run Up Walls and Fly:
The problem with ninja myths are that the only thing we know about ninjas is what the ninjas have allowed us to know.
Here are some modern non-ninjas who can do such feats:
2. Ninjas Can Turn Invisible: This is not a myth. They actually can turn invisible
3. Ninja Mind Reading:
4. Dim Mak:
actually the captions are :katana, shuriken,tabi boots and tree-climbing spikes
ReplyWhere the hell is IP Man and wing chun?
ReplyIp man 1 and 2 are AWESOME martial arts movies
I was training in Kuk Sool Wan since I was about 4and in 6 years became a red belt (one belt away from black belt), then I ended up moving to Colorado and the only Kuk Sool Wan they had was up in Denver. The children were completely undisciplined (something heavily stressed in California), and I was the highest ranking belt there, but because of this, the instructors had to dumb down my lessons for the rest of the class, so it was the equivalent of someone who has a degree in Physics and Mathematics taking a Pre-Algebra class because he's smarter than everyone else in his area. Needless to say, I quit, and now my six-pack has been replaced with a not-so-flattering gut, and my talent in Kuk Sool Wan has been replaced with mediocre video game skills and phenomenal writing skills. However, I've gotten laid since then, so i guess it was worth it.
ReplyI forgot what I was talking about. Sorry.
this made me want to learn some martial art! alas, im too lazy
ReplyI'm also impressed that such an obviously sarcastic comedy article is being taken so seriously by people in the comments section. Thats got to be a ninja skill, the 'art of too subtle for dumbasses humour'
ReplyHere's one of the ninja secrets: What do ninjas eat? Brown rice. If you are out on an assassination job and can't cook it on the stove, put it on a hot rock and let it cook in the sun. For the rest of the secrets, you will have to buy the book.
Replydam that made me laugh. very entertaining article
Congratulations on your ridiculously limited knowledge of martial arts.
ReplyCapoeira was intentionally made to look like a dance. Just as the Chinese wouldn't let commoners practice with weapons, the slaveowners would not let the slaves learn any type of fighting skills. Therefore they hid it in a dance form.
Replytrue to some extent exept for the fact that capoeira isnt effective and never was effective
that one punch knockout scene was like raiders of the lost ark
ReplyI'm pretty sure it's from a movie about rich white people getting into fights with poor white people.
ok i know this is supposed to b funny but seriously half of this s**t about ninjutsu is made up. i have my black belt in ninjutsu. i dont think most dojos actually teach running up walls anymore. and we cant become invisible. we just have a knack for blending into the crowd. and as for the dim mak video... 1 that is not ninjutsu. 2 its pretty cool but u dont learn anything like that until u get to a very very very high level. further than most ppl get in 1 lifetime.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesMade up?? On a comedy website?!?
please don't pretend to know about martial arts..."we just have a knack for blending into the crowd" very poetic, im sure thats how they advertise ninjutsu...
You don't learn anything like Dim Mak ever because it's not real. It doesn't work. Ninjas aren't f*****g magic, and they're not going to perform feats that are physically impossible. You will never reach that "very very very" high level.
Also because ninjutsu is something called a "modern invention." There's another Cracked article that talks about this. Invented in like the '60s or '70s. Also, ninjutsu is completely blown out of proportion on how awesome it is, because it's really nothing spectacular. Now, Jeet Kune Do: that's some badass shit.
DrHappisness you are wrong about the dim mak the dim mak is an actual move and is taught in many different martial arts systems, the movies will have you believe that its a technique that will cause you to drop dead like 10 minits to days later in reality the technique is simply a swift strike to a vital spot on the body if done your opponent will drop dead right away. and more so many martial arts teach pressure point techniques that are varifibly accurate.
That video of the capoeira dude getting knocked out by the muay thai guy is from the movie "Never Back Down"... No style is the best style. It's really more about the practitioner than the practice.
Replythats true no style is the best but one thing is a fact and that fact is that capoera isnt effective never has been and never will be unless the practioner does full contact training(ie actually spars and not just dances like in every capoeira school)
Yo, gotta point out that Capoeira is way more practical than that douchebag who gets knocked out by the Muy Thai dude makes it look. I love that video, because it's hilarious, but a knowledgeable Capoeirista wouldn't try to play the game in a real fight. Let alone the cocky, show-off, a*****e way that dude does it. Just had to mention that. Gotta represent my style.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesCapoiera is barely more realistic than an interpretive post-modern dance about a confrontation with different cultural values
Just so you know, that was a clip from a movie called "Never Back Down". The character is showing off because the other guy is the reigning champion, so he's trying to get into a dick-measuring contest, so to speak. Nowhere near how most real practitioners would act.
DemonBarber89 it doesnt matter if he was showing off even he would lose anyways capoeira doesnt work never has worked in a real fight just in movies
Karate was invented by the Japanese in the 1300's? Really? I find that surprising since there were zero schools of karate in Japan...until the early 20th century when Gichin Funakoshi, founder of Shotokan Karate-Do and native of Okinawa where karate was invented, started teaching it there. Those Japanese sure are crafty.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI don't know the exact year, but my old Sensei told me that it was developed by the peasants to fight the samurai, hence the focus on powerful single blows (to break through the armor). So, 1300s seems reasonable. Also, Shotokhan (the style I studied and you reference) is by no means the original Karate. It took the older power style (Shen Ryu, I think. Anyone know?) and developed it into more of a formalized style with competitions, like sport. Karate, and all martial arts, are continuously evolving, and rarely developed full blown with a school and everything at the beginning. Also, why do you refuse to write the first 'a' in Japanese, or capitalize it? You wrote 'Okinawa' properly. Further question, why the f**k would you try to block a kick with your forearm? The answer to at least one of these questions: Shotokhan.
Just realized that the strange spelling of 'Japanese' is due to the site's censoring algorithm. Which is strange. This website considers Japanese to be profanity, apparently. That's oddly, specifically racist. Hmm...
It censors j*p because j*p is a racial insult towards Japanese people. Unfortunately that censors j*p even if it's in the word Japanese.
caracol
karate was infact developed in the Ryukyu Kingdom prior to its 19th-century annexation by Japan it wasnt brought to japan until the 20th century before then all martial arts in japan was martial arts the samurai practiced which were all grappling.. Karate began as a common fighting system known as te
In 1429, the three kingdoms on Okinawa unified to form the Kingdom of Ryūkyū. When King Shō Shin came into power in 1477, he banned the practice of martial arts. Tō-te and kobudō continued to be taught in secret. The ban was continued in 1609 after Okinawa was invaded by the Satsuma Domain of Japan. The bans contributed to the development of kobudō, which uses common household and farming implements as weaponry. The Okinawans combined Chinese martial arts with the existing local variants to form Tōde Tuudii T'ang hand, China hand),sometimes called Okinawa-te
By the 18th century, different types of Te had developed in three different villages – Naha, Shuri, and Tomari. The styles were named Naha-te, Shuri-te, and Tomari-te, respectively. Practitioners from these three villages went on to develop modern karate.
so no it was created in the 1300s older forms of martial arts where but not karate and nothing resembling karate. the term karate didnt even appear until the 20th century
Did anyone else see the swastika throwing star?
Replyme too.
Swastkia were good and awesome symbols all around the world until that nutball with the Charlie Chaplin 'stache showed up.
i think that "the protector" video was the most awesome thing ive ever seen in my life.
Replythe movie is pretty awesome i have watched it 3 times now since i bought it
muay thay is NOT the most deadliest martial art ,sure it kicks ass ,but its goal isnt to kill tha m**********r it just knock him out,with incredibly strong hits,but that doesnt mean anything ,if a kung fu expert hits a weak spot in his body and causes severe damage ,from temporary paralisis to death,i know this because i study many kinds of martial arts ,and by far the best one for self-defense is kung-fu ,krav-maga is NOT a martial art ,it is a extreme form of self-defense witch consists of desarming your oponent,and by that i mean cripling him or killing him,its not by chance that the israelian army uses it ,its for the soul porpouse of killing someone and not getting killed,kung fu is not weird and no not all of the kung-fu stiles imitate animals ,for a real martial art that can keep you safe from the oponent ,there is wing chun kung fu ,witch is considered by some to be the best kung-fu style aimed for self-defense,most of the "weirdness" of kung-fu is from tai chi chuan witch is aimed at health not self-defense,besides even if it looks weird,any one who doesnt fight kung-fu knows in their gut that they would get their ass served to them.ninjutsu is not bad since it is based on other japanese martial arts like jiu-jitsu karate,kendo and others,aikido is very usefull and there are hits in aikido through the atemi,which are also taught in jiu-jitsu,mma may look badass because it is a mix of many martial arts,but it is mostly a mix of jiu-jitsu,,wrestling and boxing which are not aimed at self defense,but sport.
Reply Hide All See All 12 RepliesStatistically Muay Thai has a higher death rate then Kung fu . I do Muay Thai.
actually,thats because muay thay fighters train for STRONG blows,and use such weapons as the knees and elbows,witch are realy hard and can cause serious brain damage,plus it takes alot of beating some one with muay thay to kill em,and theres alot of time for that,because muay thay is widely practised and is exibited as a sport,so yeah there is a higher RATE of injury from muay thai,because its the same as beating some one with a baseball bat,but you would have to beat the guy alot to actually KILL him,and that happens cus theres alot of muay thay fights,and its very brute,now, if its true that there have been more cases of death in muay thay fights,that doesnt prove it to be most effective,just because muay thay fighters use muay thay alot more,you still have to consider that kung fu targets weak spots of the body like the groin and neck and the throut,while muay thai prohibits any of that ,also there are the different STYLES of kung fu,and the various techniques ,like dim mak that can provoke death and wing chun,also kung fu fighters dont tend to display in fights often ,except for a few local tournaments ,and some major events in china,so while muay thai may have killed many more(according to you) ,kung fu still has a greater chance of actually causing serious damage or kill than muay thay.,because thats the real goal,to defend oneself in the most effective way and that includes dissabling the opponent
Alright Jowey, while you are slightly correct, you are also extremely wrong. No martial art is more dangerous than another, as mastering one martial art is better than simply knowing or being really good at another. A master in Tai Chi can destroy any other fighter if they're good enough in Tai Chi. You cannot base your logic off of anything sound, as it sounds like you're simply a fan or part time practitioner. I myself am an instructor and I've been to different parts of the world, observing different fighters and what they can really do. You may study, but you jump around too much, your mind wanders and for that you can't focus on the information you really want to pay attention to in order to be a well rounded martial arts retainer. Its not the technique, its the user, so once again remember that no martial art is better than another.
madman,that was not what i said,any martial art CAN be effective ,but as you said a tai chi chuan MASTER can defeat another martial artist,if he is good enough ,i had a large discussion about this with zachgeorge ,you have to think about the primary goal of the martial art, you cant expect one who fights with sporting interest to defeat one who fights with self defense interest ,again the EFFECT of self defense was not my point,as to defeat an opponent knowing a sporting martial art such as jiu jitsu,you would have to go beyond the martial art,so yes ,its not the technique ,its the user,BUT one uses technique for a porpose be it sport,health or self-defense, it is easier for one to aply tecnique in a field he knows,and whatever martial art one practises ,it will depend on his skill to improvise in a fight and the circumstances(I.E. if anyone has a weapon,if its crowded,his surroundings...etc)for him to defend himself most effectively.also practically any martial art will do good in a self defense situacion,for it is most probable that the atacker doesnt practise any martial art ,any way ,have a good one
I do muay boran d*****t and im pretty sure i can burrow my knee in your crotch before u "dim mak" me, also i can stop ur ticker with a good knee to the chest, so before u collect ur nunckucks and come find me better bring some spare legs cause i swear ill break them.......thats all. its just constructive criticism.
all martial arts can kill knockout decapitate break bones dislocate and cause all kinds of serious injury. Sifu Shi yan ming has a 1 inch punch of 1000lbs of force but his hook and jab is only 900lbs mel menor does muay thai he can hit with 1000lbs, tai chi practitioners can have little effort but explosive power. Silat fighters have many jointlocking and stricking techniques wich is very deadly. Hapkido is a deadly art.judo can be deadly from throws like if you were to land on your head or you broke your spine.ninjustu is deadly. Kyoukoshin is deadly. its just the practitioner not the art.
yes,thats my point,its not the martial art,its the martial artist,you CAN defeat a "better" martial art practicioner,if your good enough at it,and yes,any kind of martial art can injure an opponent,thats a must have,but some have diferent goals,so it depends on you to use what you to do what you learned,or to be smart and do what you can using what you know and improvising,any way,yes dh1_91,you probably could,because i wouldnt atack you,i do martial arts for self defense,not to prove a point =)
f**k yeah! Muay Thai rocks i do it too
Jowey, I do Muay Thai as a street-fighting style, and it's come in handy. If you take all the rules out of sport Muay Thai, you can do some insane damage. Not permanent brain damage. Caved-in skull damage. It's true, it depends on the user. But street Muay Thai's elbow techniques have easy-kill techniques.
Jowey - sorry, but you've totally got the wrong take on taijiquan. I've been a practitioner for over 40 years, a teacher for over 30 - it is as much a health pursuit as it is a self-defense method.
you can't definitively say one is better than the other. Technically, shoalin kung fu teaches everything. But it takes so long to master that the time devoted to mastery makes it impractical. And don't knock Mauy Thai. Plenty of forms of Kung Fu were tested by fighting the "Siamese Boxers" (Ba Gua has a story along those lines).
But there are so many types of "Kung Fu", too, and there are at least 3 main types of Tai Chi.
Nonetheless, as I said before, with many forms of "kung fu", it requires so much training that it isn't always the best option to learn. When I took kung fu, a lot of what I learned was wushu, which is very gymnastic. Many of the forms were actually meant to build strength and flexibility (like the ridiculously low wushu horse stance). I learned a few techniques that saved my ass when I had to fall back on them, but for the most part, it was essentially strength training to prepare for the self defense techniques. During that time, I was doing about 80-100 push ups, holding horse stance for 5 min.+, and the splitz. Now that I've let myself slide physically, it would be stupid of me to think I could rely on kung fu for self defense anymore.
Sifu Shi yan ming's 1 inch punch is not 1000lbs of force he generated 1.78 vc no where does that say 1000lbs of force.
and if you want to get practical its much more effective to learn a reality based martial arts such as krav maga kali. silat and so on these styles dont teach you useless forms that take years to master they teach you techniques that can be developed quickly and effectivly same thing with boxing. you will infact learn more about practical fighting in 6 months in boxing then you would in years in traditional martial arts..
reality based martial arts are much faster thats why special forces learn systems simular to krav maga aswell as kali and silat because you can apply the techniques almost right after you learn them
that fatass in the last video doesnt have s**t on the ninjas doing backflips off of buildings in the previous videos
ReplyThat topic was pretty awesome. That last video was bulls**t though.
ReplySamurai are japanese. They made karate to fight off themselves? I find this doubtful.
ReplyKarate was developed in Okinawa as a way for peasants to fight off samurai since the Okinawans were forbidden from carrying weapons. Later, the founder of Shotokan Karate, Gichin Funakoshi, popularized it in mainland Japan.
It was a civil war. Karate was designed to train the peasant class to overthrow the opressing class, who employed samurai.
1. Tony Jaa is almost as badass as Bruce Lee. 2. BJJ would probably be more widely practiced if the gis weren't so f8cking expensive. 4. Where's the judo?
Reply