So, you’ve traveled back to the age of the dinosaurs, and monsters that time forgot (but nerds remember) are towering over you. What’s a scientist, bumbling lab assistant or transdimensional God-being to do?
The important thing to remember is that ancient history is just like prison: to survive, you’ve got to either make someone your bitch, or become someone’s bitch. And unless you like the thought of gobbling down velociraptor dongs for 65 million years (and remember, there’s no fossil evidence indicating that they weren’t barbed), I suggest you start kicking some dino-tail.
Assuming your iPhone’s still got coverage, here’s a handy shopping list of dinosaurs to start beating with a mop handle posthaste.
7. Compsognathus
Why You Could Take It: Better known as “compys,” these are the little guys from Jurassic Park II that are basically the only dinosaurs in the movie the humans don’t consider a threat at all. In fact, in the video game version, you ate them for health. That’s how pathetic they are; they were relegated to the status of a power-up. To further their humiliation, Compsognathus were even the stars of their own childrens’ book, Pernix and Viva, which taught kids that it’s okay to be small as long as you have love (and don’t get devoured alive by bigger kids). Killing a mess of compys won’t do tons for your reputation, but at least the other dinosaurs will know you’re willing to crush those weaker than yourself.
Preferred Method of Dispatch: Boots. A club. Some dried mud. Basically anything you’ve got laying around.
Dino-Bonus: Compys are believed to have had a strong pack mentality, so there’s a good chance that if you can kill their leader the rest will follow you and do your bidding. Again, not really a formidable fighting force, but they could certainly fetch things for you or carry you around as a living throne.
6. and 5. Archaeopteryx and Microraptors
Why You Could Take It: These are a couple of winged dinosaurs, one with two wings and one with four. 
Together, they’re considered part of the evolutionary bridge between dinosaurs and birds. The downside of being an evolutionary bridge is that, while you’re good at getting creationists to shut the hell up, you’re not so good at any of the things your various component parts are good at.
It’s not like these are airborne stegasauri. No, these guys are basically dinosaurs with feathers instead of protective scales, who can’t fight and don’t really fly very well either. It’s thought that they probably just glided, and if they did fly, they did so clumsily. So in the end, you’re left with a dinosaur the size of a pigeon warbling drunkenly through the air a few feet off the ground.
Preferred Method of Dispatch: There’s something especially poetic about knocking one out of the air with a two-fisted hammer blow, stopping its vain quest for the sky and driving it back into the primordial ooze from whence it came.
Dino-Bonus: At four wings a pop, it should be fairly easy to gather enough feathers to make your own gliding outfit, or at the very least a kite.
4. Epidendrosaurus
Why You Could Take It: Take an Archaeopteryx and pluck all its feathers out, and you’ve basically got an Epidendrosaurus (plus you’ve given an Archaeopteryx a lot of pain; kudos!). 
Instead of flying, they climbed, probably to hide the fact that they look like boiled monkeys who are perpetually flipping you off as emphatically as possible. One of their finger-like claws was a third the length of their entire body, although in fact it’s not their middle fingers which were elongated, but their pinkies, meaning that they were also the fanciest dinosaurs of all time.
Preferred Method of Dispatch: Unlike the other birdlike dinosaurs on this list, Epidendrosaurus would actually be difficult to catch, because it didn’t waste all its time trying to fly like an asshole. You’d probably have to make a net or burn the trees down. I suggest the latter, as they fall pre-cooked.
Dino-Bonus: Their hands make perfect garden claws. Just be glad it wasn’t any other appendage that’s a third the length of their bodies.
3. Nigersaurus
Why You Could Take It: The Nigersaurus’ name means “Niger Lizard,” which qualifies it both as having the least imaginative dinosaur name ever and being only one letter away from having the most offensive dinosaur name ever. 
Although an herbivore, the Nigersaurus had 50 rows of teeth that got replaced at a rate of one a month per row. Luckily for you, those teeth were all oriented around a flapping, rubbery hole through which the animal sucked up its food, earning it the nickname “the vacuum of the dinosaur kingdom.” Not jet engine. Not Sarlacc pit. Vacuum.
Preferred Method of Dispatch: As many young boys have learned through erotic, but ultimately tragic run-ins with the pool intake, a vacuum is no place to wedge delicate body parts. But really, that’s all this thing’s got. Roll a grenade or two in front of it, let it suck them up and enjoy the grimy fireworks. If you didn’t bring grenades, you could always try clogging its vent with a few pinecones or some dead Compys.
Dino-Bonus: The Nigersaurus skull is believed to house the most teeth of any dinosaur, so they’re basically a one-stop shop for all your necklace and slingshot ammo needs.
2. Therizinosaurs
Why You Could Take It: Yes, they were huge (they can’t all be Compys). When you’re fighting dinosaurs, you’re going to have to down some big fellas. 
It’s all part of the game; ask Turok. In fact, Therizinosaurs grew up to 30 feet in length. Plus, they had giant claws and their name means “scythe lizard,” which conjures the image of a cloaked Grim Reaper with foot-long teeth and a reptilian tail.
Yet none of that changes the fact that these were basically giant turkeys. Or zebra-turkeys, depending on what tactic the illustrator used to try and make them look less awkward.
Preferred Method of Dispatch: As the geeky fatasses of the late Cretaceous, Therizinosaurs don’t have much going for them in a fight besides those ungainly claws and their ability to fall on you. My advice would be to hurl some rocks at their tiny heads, then run in a zig-zag pattern until they topple over or clothesline themselves on a low-hanging limb.
Then all it takes is one well-placed kick to their pipe cleaner-sized throats.
Dino-Bonus: They’re excellent stuffed with bread crumbs, apple chunks and cinnamon. For a crisp skin, bake at 400 degrees for 96 hours, or until golden brown. Serves everyone.
1. Carnotaurus
Why You Could Take It: The Carnotaurus is what happens when a T. Rex just kind of wanders off halfway through the dinosaur assembly process. 
While superficially resembling their more deadly cousins, Carneys are much smaller (only nine feet tall) have Gandalf-caliber eyebrows that they try to pass off as bull horns and were stuck with arms somehow even more retarded than Rex’s.
Not only are they smaller in comparison to their body (seriously, we’re talking Q-Tips here), but the hands are facing the wrong way, palms out, as if pathetically awaiting a high five that will never come, eternally left hanging by its less laughable counterparts.
Preferred Method of Dispatch: The Carnosaur is legitimately threatening, and, as its name suggest, carnivorous. It’s probably the highest level dinosaur you’re likely to kill without a minigun or a Timecop backing you up, so I’d only recommend tackling one after you’ve had plenty of experiencing wiping out the other species on this list. If you are going to go for it, my advice would be to capitalize on your natural advantages by challenging it to a sword fight or juggling competition. Then when its weeping in impotent frustration, stab it in the gut with a sharp stick.
Dino-Bonus: You can probably get away with telling the other dinosaurs you killed a T. Rex. They’re not that bright.
Final Note: Whatever you do, never fight this.
Special thanks to my friend Brian for his extensive field-testing during the research phase of this article. He will be missed, as will several neighborhood dogs and the massive fistful of PCP he ate.
This entry was posted on Sunday, March 8th, 2009 at 10:00 pm and is filed under Dinosaurs, Fighting, Time Travel. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 17th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
brian will be missed, he died in the name of human power
November 16th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Dinos Freakin’ Rock!!!
That one Dino in #2 looks like it’s got Zebra stripes, freakin’ aweswome if you ask me!
ALso, I dunno if I would wanna fight a Carnotaurus or not, from what I’ve seen in “Dinosaur” they seem to be pretty darn scary!
Also, I am guessing that the last dino on this list, the one that only had a picture is a Baryonyx… one of the most creepy dinos out there (next to the guanglongs… anyone who has seen Ice Age 3 would agree with me!)
Either way entertaining article, keep it up!
November 12th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
@Pikmintaro
I don’t understand what you’re saying not because you’re views are asinine, but because you don’t seem to know what punctuation is. One would think you would be able to get that…since there is a lot of it in the bible.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:09 am
wow. there are alot of whiney bitches leaving messages on here with regards to facts. i was under the impression that this was a comedy website and not the discovery channel
November 4th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
The only issue I have with atheist evolution is the total rejection of the laws of entropy/chaos when it comes to the formation of life. Living organisms have the ability to capitalize upon error and chaos, but can chemicals develop habits and patterns? If so, then how do they oppose the deconstructive forces of the universe that cause all matter to degrade to Simpler, rather than complex, forms? Lemme know if any of that made any sense to anyone… Any (just fo good measure
November 4th, 2009 at 2:36 am
I once killed a t-rex with a lightsaber, It was easy once i got the lightsaber from him
October 14th, 2009 at 8:23 am
@pikmintaro: I am not an atheist. In fact I am Episcopal, and very religious, and sir, I must congratulate you…
…on destroying the reputation of all pure beleivers in intelligent design. That’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard anyone say. I think God had to do with evolution, sure, but not like that! Scales aren’t merely folds of skin, and in many cases, they actually have what looks like a central vein, which bears an uncanny resemblance to the central rachis, or shaft, of modern-day bird feathers. And the fact that some modern birds have wing claws is even more proof that YOU ARE WRONG!!! That shows they come from a long evolutionary lineage of birds with claws. And Archaeopteryx WASN’T pure bird BECAUSE IT HAD TEETH!!!!! Gahh!! And a bony tail, AND a reptilian skull.
The Earth HAS to be older than 6000 years old. Seriously. Carbon dating proves it. And DON’T you throw that Mount St. Helens crap at me!! The reason carbon dating says it’s old is because IT IS!!! Magma only melted rock, rock that is the age carbon dating says it is. Get it? GOT IT?!? Good.
Oh, and in case you think I’m uneducated on the subject, my username is the old scientific name of the Eastern Screech Owl (although it’s now called Megascops asio).
And @minion: I believe science. I believe in God.
Chew on that, intelligent design buffs.
And that’s not a Velociraptor, it’s Masiakiasaurus knopfleri, a dinosaur from Madagascar found in 2000. And yeah, it’s pretty small. Carcharodontosaurus, now THAT’s a different story.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:06 am
@ Pikmintaro
I hope your life ends in tragedy!!!
YOu are unbelievably IGNORANT!! You say “How can evolution be true and how can Scales turn into feather”? BUT HOW THE FUCK CAN THE EARTH ONLY BE 6000 YRS OLD!!?!?!??!!??! YOU ARE A TRUE KNOB ARENT YOU? GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER!
September 30th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Wait? If I challenge a Carnotaurus to a swordfighting competition, can I use the Sword?
September 22nd, 2009 at 6:10 pm
minion:
scientific theory is different from the normal definition of theory. A regular theory is what you are describing; a guess, or a simple belief. A scientific theory (i.e, evolution) has substantial evidence to back it up.
lrn2term before you comment next time, kay?
September 19th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Hey, Minion-Moron.
Stop using using two different definitions of “belief” as if they were the same.
I can “have faith” that the sun will rise in the morning.
This “faith” is from experience, from observing that this is what happens every damn day.
Having “faith” in a god, any god, pick a goddamn god, is a totally different thing, with no observational evidence.
So “believing” in the scientific method, in that this has been, and continues to be, the best way to understand and make sense of reality and how it functions, is a whole fucking different thing than “believing” in, say, a god that forbids everything from homosexuality to eating shellfish and wearing mixed-fiber clothing.
September 16th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Science is not to be used as a belief system.
Science is used to provide facts for what exists.
The mistake people make is to “believe” in science.
Science is all theory, not belief.
One must learn, then, to separate their belief system with their science.
September 12th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
@Conformist:
You win a large batch of e-cookies.
August 31st, 2009 at 12:20 am
@Pikmintaro
Also, you forget, there have been scientific studies comparing feathers to scales and tweaking genes to, in essence, reverse engineer the process. While we have obviously not yet produced a scaly dino-chicken there has been progress in proving a link (also, links in bird beaks and teeth). Also, the ignorance of claiming scales are “just folds in the skin” is hilarious. Before you accuse people of stupidity for comparing scales and feathers you should probably learn the difference between scales and skin.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:53 am
@Pikmintaro
First thing: Atheism does not automatically mean a belief in evolution, and many believers of evolution aren’t actually atheists.
How do you explain dinosaur fossils? How do you explain carbon dating that makes Archaeopteryx millions of years old?
Actually, I didn’t think that anyone truly thought that the universe was only a few thousand years old still. How do you explain human remains being found that date back almost one hundred thousand years?
Also, evolution is just a theory. A theory that has much more evidence (and thus, believability) than any other theory out there (namely the creation theory)
And finally, why does the big bang have to have an outside creator? If some being created the universe, then who created THAT being? Of course, you’ll simply shrug that off as “God is infinite,” without realizing the complete ignorance of your statement. If the universe has simply always existed, and the big bang was the result of the previous known universe all combining then exploding, then there is no need for a higher power. Or: there is 10 planes of existence, the god of the first of which created the next that created the next, etc etc. As the number of gods increases, clearly the likelihood of that option decreases. The most likely option, therefore, is that there is NO god, and the universe has simply always been, and/or the Big Bang was a freak incident.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:50 am
@stjimmy
thats because most scientific cracked articles require actual indepth knowledge in order to query them - but this one doesnt. this article was just plain wrong
August 12th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
“The downside of being an evolutionary bridge is that, while you’re good at getting creationists to shut the hell up, you’re not so good at any of the things your various component parts are good at.”
Nope sorry but Archaeopteryx were still 100% Bird but with some reptilian features just the way God designed them
and they are in no way an “Evolutionary Bridge”
And even nowadays there are still Birds with Claws and it’s almost hilarious how evolutionist nutjobs try to teach you that “Scales evolved into feathers” considering that scales are basically just folds in the skin and feathers are almost infinitely different but of course Athiests like to try and ignore all the intricate designs and try to simplify it to ADURRR THEY LOOK SIMILAR SO THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY JUST EVOLVED AFTER MILLIONS OF ACCIDENTS ADURRRR
Nope Archaeopteryx was created on Day 5 of the creation week 6000 years ago just like all the other Birds sorry athiests
And it’s even funnier how Athiests consider evolution to be “Scientific” when Evolution ignores even the most basic laws of of science and genetics but of course to them the only definition of science is “No God” so even if they have no way of proving evolution or testing it in a lab they claim it to be “Fact and Scientific” when it’s all just baseless assumptions and hilariously enough the uninformed masses are dumb enough to believe it.
And BTW even if there was a “Big Bang” then who lit the fuse?
August 12th, 2009 at 11:27 am
There are an unusual number of internet experts in this comment section…
July 20th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Yeah, I suppose most of these on the list COULD be killed… WITH MODERN FIREPOWER. Then again, you can do that to any animal now. Fuck, with good enough aim (or a large enough clip), I could probably kill a T. Rex with a hunting rifl it’d just be rather difficult, and I’ve got better things to do than finish off what the Comet started.
June 13th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
swaim….. i want to like you. i really do. but stop pretending to know anything about dinosaurs
June 8th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
[...] (1st was 10,000 BC). It’s weird how she was the little girl that got pwned by those little dinosaurs in Jurassic Park 2, but I try not to think about [...]
June 7th, 2009 at 3:28 am
@Teeferbone: yep, if there were any dromaeosaurids that would pose a threat to a human, it’d be Deinonychus and that big’un, Utahraptor. Velociraptor would only be threatening in packs.
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Bah. Anyone who’s seen “The Giant Claw” will remember the climax, where a therizinosaurus drives off a tarbosaurus (basically a Mongolian tyrannosaurus) with a single swipe of its massive sword-hands. Out of all the dinos on the list, it poses the most threat, by far, assuming it’s hostile. It could FUCKING STEP ON the puny FISH-EATER you claim to be the best.
And to the people proclaiming oneletterawayfromracistsaurus as useless, and claiming it would try to vacuum you, that’s like claiming that an owner of a smoothie machine would attempt to put you in the machine during a fight. Damn thing can still charge.
June 1st, 2009 at 11:33 pm
This is HILARIOUS!
I’d fight everything on here except the Carnotaurus, cuz that bastard can maul you with his horns and step on you, and then chew your flesh. Though he isn’t very big for a predator, he’s big enough (1 ton) to be a tough kill.
Those tiny birds are easy pennies. Nigerosaurus is big but it won’t put up much of a fight with that paper-thin skull (of course you guys didn’t show his monstrous thumb claws!)
May 26th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
cheeeeeee
May 17th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
This list saved my life. Thank you.
March 30th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
*Addendum* They said Carno was 9 feet -tall-. Yes, it’s 9 meters long, but it wasn’t as tall as it was long. And the Compys in the book are nasty than the compys in the movie ’cause Procompsognathus was more than twice the size (8 times the mass) of it’s later counterpart.
March 30th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
There was a part missing from carnotaurus. Besides having stubby arms and backward hands, their arms are built weird. Instead of roughly 50% humerous to 45% Radiu, 5% hand of a Tyranno, their arms are about 80% Humerus. Basically, they couldn’t bend their arms either, apart from a little floppy length shorter than the already badly designed hand.
March 28th, 2009 at 6:56 am
How rude. Atleast Turok treats his enemies with the respect that he needs to kill them especially if they are the size of a house. This article sounds more like it were written by Roland Kane from the newer game. And he got his heart stabbed with his own knife by the first guy.
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Wait, there were only 3 Dinosaurs.
March 20th, 2009 at 7:18 am
This was even forwarded in the Dinosaru Mailing List (official posting list for fossil nerds and scientists).
It said that it’s funny but paleontologists disagree.
Why are people always going how velociraptors are badass or cool? They were tiny after all. Not that size always matters though but still deinos were much more awesome.
Jurassic Park got many details mixed up or exaggerated especially in the movies.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:10 am
[...] post is intended as a follow-up to the velociraptor one. Nicole sent me this article, entitled Seven Dinosaurs You Could Take in a Fight, from Cracked.com. Since it’s generally [...]
March 14th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
It should interesting to note…
The Jurrasic park Movies Used Compsognathus, but the Novels By Micheal Crichton used Procompsognathus. Either way, both are refferd to as Compys.
There is no proof that Microraptor/Archeopterix was a transform. It was a dino.
Carnotaurus maynot seem dangerouse on paper, but belive me, they scare the crap outa you. Don’t belive me, go ride Disnesy DINOSAUR.
March 13th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I was with you till number one. The sword you are trying to stick the animal will be a pin prick to the 9 meter (not 9 feet) giant. Suddenly your odds seem not too good now to a very pissed beast.
And no you can’t call a timeout.
March 13th, 2009 at 5:02 am
cool - they managed to extract enough DNA to work out what colour they were!!!
Oh hang on, they’re just guessing aren’t they…
March 12th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
[...] of course you were battling with one of the beasts on THIS [...]
March 11th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Haha, that was so awesome.
March 11th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Oh my God, T’Generalissimo, I thought I was the only one who remembered Pikmin! A truly fucking awesome game…
March 11th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Actually, do go ahead and fight the velociraptor.
They’re TURKEY sized. Check out the wikipedia.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/fb/Vraptor-scale.svg
March 11th, 2009 at 8:08 am
[...] 3 - Seven rubbish dinosaurs - Cracked [...]
March 10th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
was that a reference to Spongebob in number 4 i sense?
March 10th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
wesome video!!!
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March 10th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Next we need “7 dinosaurs mortal kombat characters could take in a fight”
March 10th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
You must’ve been playing as the raptor in the Jurassic Park games because when playing as Dr Grant I could never eat the Compys. Instead they’d attack me.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
agh, #3 made me cringe….
3 words: Guts, Haunted, Palahniuk
why swaim why? *breaks down into tears*
jk im not that wimpy
March 10th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
DarkReaches, you saying CHRISTIANS need pictures and proof, or else they don’t believe it happened. Think about what you’re saying man!
March 10th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Arkian, you use the same crappy excuses Christians and all the other crap religion followers use.
“Pics or it didn’t happen.”
“You got no proof it didn’t happen.”
March 10th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
>>Perry Says:
>>Archaeopteryx wasn’t a transitional stage between bird and
>>dinosaur. There’s no proof.
You provided no proof that it wasn’t. Your argument is invalid.
March 10th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Obviously the “Nigersaurus” was named for where it was discovered. It was not named to offend african-americans. Jesus people!
March 10th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Made me laugh out loud often. An excellent posting, decidedly above average.
March 10th, 2009 at 8:43 am
Compsognathus means ”pretty jaw”. Enough said.
March 10th, 2009 at 6:05 am
[...] rate, we’re a little nostalgic for dinosaurs ever since we read Cracked’s listicle of 7 Dinosaurs You Could Take in a Fight. Imagine that, us, taking on a dinosaur and winning. Cool. That said, we’re pretty sure we [...]
March 10th, 2009 at 6:02 am
Archaeopteryx wasn’t a transitional stage between bird and dinosaur. There’s no proof.
March 10th, 2009 at 5:06 am
The thing to remember when building your Compsognathus army is the lessons we learnt from Pikmin; small things, in big enough numbers, with the right leader, can be truly formidable. Also throwing them at your enemies will be both deadly and hilarious.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:00 am
Maybe you could do an article about how Velociraptor was nothing at all like it’s been depicted in the media? Make a million nerds cry.
Do it.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:16 am
to those referring to the jurassic park books and movies, you do realize that they are science fiction, not paleontology, don’t you?
hey even if they werent venomous, id hate to try to take down any of these animals unarmed. the little ones were probably quick and vicious, like scaly monkeys. sure, you could drop kick it, if you werent busy trying to detach it from the lower part of your leg which its very efficiently shredding.
funny stuff though…. i love cracked.com!
March 10th, 2009 at 3:01 am
[...] So, you’ve traveled back to the age of the dinosaurs, and monsters that time forgot (but nerds remember) are towering over you. What’s a scientist, bumbling lab assistant, or transdimensional God-being to do? Well you’re gonna kick some ass. [...]
March 10th, 2009 at 2:06 am
swaim is pure genious!
March 10th, 2009 at 12:44 am
@CodyCastor
true dat that purple bastard pisses me off i want to make him eat his own face
March 10th, 2009 at 12:11 am
I’ll bet I could kick Barney’s ass. And all his little bastard friends.
March 9th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
http://www.uniformeddate.com ? It is really a funny and interesting place to date attractive girls or hot guys. Many hottie videos and photos at this site, you can enjoy latest interesting videos or talk about hot topic with other friends.
March 9th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Well the strict term “creationist” simply means those who believe in a creator of some kind. I accept evolution as a scientific fact, but believe that a divine being created the universe as a canvas for said evolution. There are theories that contradict creationism but evolution is not one of them as they adress mutually exclusive issues.
March 9th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
i don’t care if 7, 6, and 5 can be taken down easily. i just know they would make awesome fucking pets for people like me, who think anything small and scaly is the most adorable thing EVER.
March 9th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Best wet t-shirt show ever! Giggity
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=2e09eaa3bd2ebf4b5366
March 9th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
[...] the full list a read over at cracked, it’s entertaining and [...]
March 9th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Finally! A cracked list with some practical application!
March 9th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Actually, Paul Kroger, if you go to one of several websites out there, you will find that statement incorrect. The pure creationist believes that the earth was created roughly 5000 years ago, and go so far as to place the dinosaurs on the ark with Noah. If you don’t believe me, feel free to check out the Creationist Museum. Cheers!
March 9th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Mocking the archaeopteryx. For shame! One of my favorite prehistoric beasties. I’ll keep it as a pet, and train it to fly circles around other dinosaurs and pelt them with rocks to aid me in taking them down.
March 9th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
next you should do the x dinosaurs you really do not want to fight.
March 9th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Awesome article. This should be helpful on my next trip to Jurassic Park
March 9th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
where’s my boom stick?
March 9th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
This is by far my favourite line: “the hands are facing the wrong way, palms out, as if pathetically awaiting a high five that will never come, eternally left hanging by its less laughable counterparts.”
March 9th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
All of those dinosaurs look like they’d rip me apart in a fight, however the Nigersaurus looks like it’d just stand there and suck on your head lol
March 9th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Swaim: creationists dont necessarily disregard evolution. evolution has nothing to do with how everything got started, just how things came to be as we know them today.
March 9th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Is #3 supposed to remind me of Guts by Chuck Palahniuk??
March 9th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Can I get that Nigersaurus to do a quick whip around the living room carpet at home? I mean, it’s not like the wife’s gonna do it and fucked if I am.
March 9th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Just to respond to those who mentioned the Jurassic Park novels (awesome stuff). What happened in those books wasn’t necessarily what compys would do. They ate a few people in the book, agreed. But in reality maybe compys sat around and soiled themselves at the sight of anything larger than a weasel.
I don’t care what the books says, I’m a’ gonna kick some compy butt-hole!
March 9th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
the last line is the best
March 9th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
RAWWRRRR!!!
March 9th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Yeah, as people below me have pointed out, Compys were badass in the Jurassic Park book, destroying Dr. Hammond once he started to become a dick at the end (also not in the movie), and that the Archaeopteryx isn’t a dinosaur for the same reason that the Pteradactyl isn’t a dinosaur. By definition dinosaurs didn’t have wings. That doesn’t mean you couldn’t kick its ass though.
March 9th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
“…but the hands are facing the wrong way, palms out, as if pathetically awaiting a high five that will never come…”
That had me in stitches…
March 9th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Should be noted that Archaeopteryx isn’t a transitional species between dinos and birds. They appeared several dozen million years after birds branched off and is generally considered a bird.
Sinornithosaurus and others are actual transitional species.
March 9th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
March 9th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
All about dino
http://www.ucubd.com/Index.aspx?id=1151&cid=x01000083
March 9th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
popurls.com // popular today…
story has entered the popular today section on popurls.com…
March 9th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Wow man, that would be cool to sleigh some dinosaurs!
RT
http://www.privacy.at.tc
March 9th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Hahaha, I loved this. Although to be fair to Compsognathus, they were a lot more badass in the Jurassic Park book. They had highly toxic venom that made you hallucinate until you died of fever, and they jumped you en masse, ripping you apart while you were still alive. They took out two major characters in both books, so it probably doesn’t deserve the JP rip.
March 9th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
An extra on Nigersaurus, it also had an extremely thin skull, so thin that u could break it with a strong kick… so all u amatuer chuck norris’ have got an easy kill there… plus they were bloody huge, imagine mounting a 50 foot dinosaur on ur wall!
March 9th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
leave those poor dinosaurs alone
March 9th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Baryonyx is gonna f@#k you up motherf@#ker.
March 9th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/8572/deadjs3.jpg
March 9th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
March 9th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
yes, swaimy…
i knew Brian well…
RIP, good friend.
March 9th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
I love you Swaim.
Father my children, please?
March 9th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
In regards to Therizinosaurs, turkeys are actually scary.
March 9th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
OMG! Hilarious article, I couldn’t stop laughing!
March 9th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Well, no wonder the dinosaurs went extinct! They have barbed penises!
March 9th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Couldnt stop laughing after… as usual cracked does it!
“The Nigersaurus’ name means “Niger Lizard,” which qualifies it both as having the least imaginative dinosaur name ever and being only one letter away from having the most offensive dinosaur name ever.”
“The hands are facing the wrong way, palms out, as if pathetically awaiting a high five that will never come.”
March 9th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Hey ! Compys and Carneys aren’t that easy to take on ! According to the dinosaur surviving guide, Jurassic Park and The Lost World, Compys are poisonous ans Carneys are giant chameleon ! How would you be able to escape from a 9 feet dino, slowly stalking you and having to freeze whenever something moves in the background… wait… even in the books… Carneys didn’t manage to eat anyone… At least the compys did eat someone…
March 9th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Well, it’s pretty obvious your still high from yesterday’s article Swaim, cause nothing screams out high like like sitting around and figuring out which dinosaurs you can whup the shit out of.
Also I don’t see why people keep complaining about there being no video this week. I watched the episode of Swaim TV that was with this article with no problem. I mean it wasn’t your best work but still pretty funny.
March 9th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Hate to say it, but that last one (Masaikasaurus) is related to Carnotaurus, and might be pissed off when it finds out someone killed his retarded, deformed cousin.
March 9th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Hey, no S.W.A.I.M video this week? Does that mean you got the co-hosting job with Conan? Mozel tov.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
ps. with the “LOL” I meant that I enjoyed this article. You’re a funny man, Swaim.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
LOL.
Sure if you have weapons but when in hand-to-hand combat.. .well if the saurus is bigger than you it can trample you. And when talking about any animal with claws and teeth, you should be prepared for injuries. Also therizinos have jaws… they can bite. They were primarily vegetarians that evolved from carnivores. (Make a vegan joke and I’ll grab my sword and pummel you into tiny peaces and feed it to my cats. Vegan does not equal pacifist!)
Therizinos could possibly use their 3-foot-long claws, besides reaping leaves into their mouths, to defend against large carnivores, so I’d be careful around them.
(Also remember that an attacking bird is only funny when the victim is someone else ;D )
Velociraptors are tiny but hunt in packs and the claws are scary too. Deinonychuses would be a lot scarier. Or Utahraptors… Microraptor too had the claw, just like it’s larger cousins. All raptor-dinosaurs likely had feathers. Birds, after all, are theropods as well.
We’re not sure if T. rex was a hunter or a scavenger, or an opportunist meaning somewhat both. According to calculations it probably could catch a human even though it couldn’t really run, but rather jogged. Even if not an active hunter, it could have been capable of bringing down prey choosing it’s opponents wisely. It’s brain structure was almost identical to vultures which supports that it also ate corpses.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
@SpiderJerusalem: Um, no. That thing has teeth. FUCKING TEETH. I’m not sticking mini-me down any hole that has teeth. Doesn’t matter that it’s a vegetarian
TEETH
March 9th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
lmmfao..the whole time…
March 9th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
All of those pictures are terrifying.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
I had a fight with an archaeopteryx. It was a good old scrap,
but he beat me in the end the bastard..
March 9th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
The dinosaurs with the biggest lips is called “Nigersaurus”?
And for a moment I thought it was “Niggersaurus.”
March 9th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
The most random topic I’ve seen yet. Funny though.
March 9th, 2009 at 11:32 am
MichaaeeelllSwaaaiiimmm♥
I love you !
March 9th, 2009 at 11:19 am
I actually did go back in time, and I did take these dinosaurs in a fight. That’s why they’re extinct now. Also, Grammar Nazi below is absolutely right, but he forgot to correct when you said “its” but meant “it’s”, and probably a few similar grammatical ethnic impurities.
Also, this was a really good idea for an article, meaning that’s two really good ideas in a row. Swaim: Sensually We Admire ‘Is Mannerisms.
March 9th, 2009 at 11:18 am
what the hell is a setasauri? i googled it and found a link back to this article?
March 9th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I love this site, that is some funny shit! Thanks for making my day better.
March 9th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Damn it, whence means ‘from where’; you can’t say “from whence”!
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
March 9th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Erm, yea, Carnotaurus was 9 feet tall…. at the hips. And 30 feet long. That’s a bit more threatening than the retarded mistake of a dinosaur you described lol.
March 9th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Who’s a cute little boiled monkey perpetually flipping me off as emphatically as possible? You are! Yes you are!
March 9th, 2009 at 10:16 am
“The downside of being an evolutionary bridge is that, while you’re good at getting creationists to shut the hell up, you’re not so good at any of the things your various component parts are good at”
lmao, swaim, u crack(ed) me up!
March 9th, 2009 at 10:10 am
But not to worry,
If you were able to travel back in time(which I really doubt it ever will be), this one only eats small prey and fish. Oh wait, this things like 7 feet.
You’re fucked.
March 9th, 2009 at 10:07 am
The last one is known as a Masiakasaurus.
And yes I agree, fucking scare.
March 9th, 2009 at 9:57 am
“in fact it’s not their middle fingers which were elongated, but their pinkies, meaning that they were also the fanciest dinosaurs of all time.”
Hilarious. Best line ever. Sooooooooooooooooo fancy.
March 9th, 2009 at 9:44 am
What was that last one? It looked like death…
March 9th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Yeah, a therezinosaur could probably rip you in half, what with the claws longer than your leg, but if you got lucky (or lured them into a trap)… that recipe sounds delicious!
March 9th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Well written! That was the perfect balance of funny and informative. The cracked articles have been dipping a bit in both of those categories lately as more people start to contribute so it’s nice to get a really good laugh in the morning.
Swaim, you practically carry this site.
March 9th, 2009 at 9:06 am
I would still take the risk and try jamming my funstick in the Nigersaurus.
I’d try to hold off for a long time…but eventually, after I realize that God hasn’t invented cavewomen yet, I would have to.
And everyone here is lying if they say otherwise.
March 9th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Hey!! 5 and 6 are essentially the same!! I feel cheated Mr Swaim!! You owe me a pathetic dinosaur i could easily dispatch!!
Otherwise, much lolification achieved!
March 9th, 2009 at 8:48 am
[...] 7 Dinosaurs You Could Take In A Fight - [Cracked] [...]
March 9th, 2009 at 8:22 am
wow…i hate to be that guy but this is mostly from a national geographic… four of the dinos up top were from the same article
March 9th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Compys may be small, but a herd of them did still manage to kill Peter Stormare in The Lost World. Of course, he was almost certainly drunk and didn’t know what the hell he was doing. That may have been a contributing factor.
March 9th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Remember to leave your Therizinosaur covered with foil before your guests arrive, or it gets waaay too dried out! A full-bodied chardonnay or classic bordeaux goes best.
March 9th, 2009 at 8:07 am
I also find myself insanely disturbed by the Nigersaurus. Not by the name but by it’s very existance. My god.
March 9th, 2009 at 8:01 am
that one was pretty good.
March 9th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Hahaha… “back then”..
March 9th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Awesome article
March 9th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Poor giant turkey things really do look hella awkward. God was cruel, back then.
March 9th, 2009 at 7:26 am
I started reading this for the dinosaurs, but I finished reading for the great humor from SWAIM. See, nerds can laugh too.
March 9th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Awesome.
Cracked needs more awesome articles like this.
Swaim, you win the game of life.
March 9th, 2009 at 7:22 am
Damn, I miss dinosaurs.
March 9th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Good to know!
And thousands of sincere and serious tall people I met on ___Tallmingle C om___ are the most amazing people I ever met! they care nothing but real love and chemistry! that’s what we are looking for in today’s world!
March 9th, 2009 at 7:15 am
“..and were stuck with arms somehow even more retarded than Rex’s.
Not only are they smaller in comparison to their body (seriously, we’re talking Q-Tips here), but the hands are facing the wrong way, palms out, as if pathetically awaiting a high five that will never come, eternally left hanging by its less laughable counterparts.”
I seriously laughed ALOT at that passage, kudos
March 9th, 2009 at 7:12 am
“Which reminds me of something, what are the top 7 dinosaurs to have sex with?”
#1.) Your mom.
March 9th, 2009 at 7:04 am
Google results for setasauri: both are from Cracked.com. Setasaurus, perhaps? Or do you mean saltasaurus, a big, leaf-eating turd of a dinosaur? Wrong, wrong, wrong. Which reminds me of something, what are the top 7 dinosaurs to have sex with?
March 9th, 2009 at 7:02 am
yo i can so beat the shit out of all these dino bitches including fucking t rex it did have a brain smaller than an apple
March 9th, 2009 at 6:53 am
if you are taking down these freaks/wimps of the dino kingdom who is watching your back against the guys who do kill these ones?
March 9th, 2009 at 6:41 am
Therenzinosaurs! Are you kidding? Look at the size of those things!
March 9th, 2009 at 6:28 am
How about the triceratops in the Jurassic Park film? It was so sick it couldn’t even stand up. Pointy stick fodder!
March 9th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Anyone remember the open world game dinosaur hunter? It was awesome. Huge open world and you could hunt dinosaurs to your heart content. You’d start with herbivors but eventually you would find raptors in the hunting area, and larger carnivors. With the raptors alone you had to watch out. They would at times stalk you…
March 9th, 2009 at 6:16 am
I don’t think anybody’s said it yet, but well done on using “an herbivore” instead of “a herbivore.” Congratulations.
March 9th, 2009 at 6:09 am
“and being only one letter away from having the most offensive dinosaur name ever.”
Knew it was coming but still couldn’t prevent myself from busting out laughing.
March 9th, 2009 at 6:05 am
BillMurder…I think you’re spot on. God, why do I remember that show??
Well played, Swaim, well played.
March 9th, 2009 at 5:28 am
No! Don’t kill and eat the archaeopterex! You’ll mess with human evolution!
Or something.
Or is that stepping on a butterfly….? I’m confused.
March 9th, 2009 at 5:23 am
The Epidendrosaurus is the most goddamn awkward dinosaur I have ever seen. Ever.
though I’m thinking I’m starting a rock band calling myself “Microraptor”, anyone with me?
March 9th, 2009 at 4:30 am
The look on the Epidendrosaurus’s face is priceless. He’s like, “Look at my hands. They’re fucking HUGE, man!”
March 9th, 2009 at 4:20 am
Thank you for that educational experience, Swaim.
I now know how to survive the prehistoric era.
March 9th, 2009 at 3:58 am
i say your research was one of last years National Geographic posters that came with the magazine, they were all there
including the “Woa my hands are HUGE” dinosaur AKA Epidendrowhatever
March 9th, 2009 at 3:54 am
It’s cruel to make somebody recovering from Bronchitis laugh like this. It hurts so much.
A+ for awesome though.
March 9th, 2009 at 3:51 am
Anyone who has read the book Jurassic Park would know Compys are poisonous and that is why they are a threat, neuotoxin to your ankle you then eat you alive
March 9th, 2009 at 3:43 am
Nigersaurus bears a striking resemblance to equally laughable monster Fing Fang Foom.
March 9th, 2009 at 3:41 am
Personally, I would much rather fight the guy on the bottom (Masiakasaurus) than Carnotaurs, the former being primarily piscivorous, and the later weighing in at over one and a half tons. Therenzinosaurs, too, would be forced to be pretty badass to survive. They lived in the same place in which Velociraptors evolved, and if you imply that you could outmaneuver a Velociraptor, then you need to be taken to lier’s prison.
March 9th, 2009 at 3:28 am
Am I the only one who found the funniest bit to be the italic part at the end?
March 9th, 2009 at 3:11 am
Am I the only one who looked at the nigersaurus and immediatly heard “Im comin’, Beany-boy!”?
March 9th, 2009 at 3:08 am
That was awesome. Well done sir.
March 9th, 2009 at 3:03 am
I think you’re right about the Archaeopteryx and Microraptors. If they were around today, they’d probably be hovering over a church somewhere squawking and shitting on the wedding of the day, all the time reminding the pitiful humans “what kind of god would make those two creatures that fucked up, huh?”
March 9th, 2009 at 3:01 am
ohhh, i remember the raptors eating the compys in the sega version of Jurassic Park… yeah, they were definitely little pussies.
March 9th, 2009 at 3:01 am
I had to laugh out loud several times while reading this article. I also now want to play a videogame where you are stuck in the past, killing these pathetic dinosaurs with just your wits, stones and sticks and Compy carcasses. (Compys really put the “ass” in carcass)
March 9th, 2009 at 2:47 am
I imagine the Carnosaur’s hunting cry was a very camp, high-pitched “OOOOOH!”
March 9th, 2009 at 2:28 am
your “God” is a fnatsy
March 9th, 2009 at 2:27 am
Thanks for the tip about the masiakasaurus.
March 9th, 2009 at 2:25 am
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March 9th, 2009 at 2:23 am
That Carnotaurus is hilarious, especially the facial expression. I can just imagine going back in time, seeing a Carnotaurus, and thinking “man, T-Rexes are not as impressive as I’ve been led to believe.”
March 9th, 2009 at 1:35 am
“The downside of being an evolutionary bridge is that, while you’re good at getting creationists to shut the hell up”
I humbly await the clusterfuck that will become the comments section.
March 9th, 2009 at 1:33 am
Hang on, weren’t the compys, like, land piranhas? Because in Jurassic Park they were all “Aww how cute OH GOD THEY’RE EVERYWHERE”
Swaim, you’re trying to get us killed aren’t you. ):
March 9th, 2009 at 1:22 am
“as the geeky fatasses of the late Cretaceous”
Man, that’s good stuff.
March 9th, 2009 at 1:10 am
Eh…. you’ve done better lists. The Carnotaurus joke didn’t come off as well as I think you intended it to, I think.. at least on me anyway.
March 9th, 2009 at 1:09 am
I think Anonymouse is going about the ‘Niger’ issue backwards…
The beginning of this was hilarious, I was laughing for the first few. Fanciest dinosaurs… ahaha.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:47 am
“Oh good god, I honestly thought #3 said “Niggersaurus”. Why the hell would someone name their country “Niger”? WHY???”
Please tell me this isn’t the first time you’ve heard that countries exist IN Africa.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:44 am
The last one’s called Masiakasaurus, cool because it comes from Madagascar, cooler still because its full name is Masiakasaurus knopfleri, as in Mark Knopfler from Dire Straits.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:39 am
Ok, I just looked it up- it’s called The Enormous Egg, and it takes place in New Hampshire.
And they say pot screws up your memory!
Now, what was I talking about again?
March 9th, 2009 at 12:38 am
For some reason this reminded me of a book I assigned during summer reading before 6th grade, about a chicken that layed an enormous egg, which hatched a baby triceratops
March 9th, 2009 at 12:31 am
yaaaaaaaay! dinosaurs!
swaim? whats with the not videos?
March 9th, 2009 at 12:21 am
Oh good god, I honestly thought #3 said “Niggersaurus”. Why the hell would someone name their country “Niger”? WHY???
March 9th, 2009 at 12:20 am
I had to do a report on Microraptor when I was in 10th grade. There’s no reason to kill them. They’d most likely just run up a tree and fly away…glide away. They eat insects and small mammals. I’d also be sad killing the little scansorial guys. They’re just so cute! I’d domesticate one and name him George, and he’d be the equivalent of a peregrine falcon. (Photoshop, anyone?)
Also, Archaeopteryx wasn’t technically a dinosaur. It was kind of a mediation between dinosaur and bird, hence the definition of the missing link. Well, it’s not really missing, but you know what I mean.
March 8th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
I just can’t wait for all the certified Alan Grants to come out the wood work on this one.
March 8th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Holy crap, i haven’t laughed this hard at something for a long, long time. I lol’d all the way from numbers 7 to 1. Especially the “fanciest dinosaur” and nigersaurus…
Awesome. Bookmark’d!
March 8th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
Those lying bastards at Wikipedia told me that carnotaurs are actually nine METERS tall.
March 8th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Nigersaurus? I’m sure it would shoot you in the face with a colt before you can even get your boxing gloves on.
March 8th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Swaim, you have re-kindled my childhood love for dinosaurs.
I just watched Disney’s Dinosaur, and a few episodes of Extreme Dinosaurs. Now to go play some of my old Jurassic Park video games and get out my T-Rex bedsheets.
March 8th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
I have to disagree, Ben. I’ve clicked the links placed in a lot of Cracked articles indicating plenty of time and research spent trying to placate the fickle masses that are me.
Smoking pot and playing video games only counts as research for half the articles at best.
March 8th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Swaim….
All he does is smoke pot and play video games.
His life is like a wet dream, only minus the wet part. And the sex all together. And add weed. And games.
So really, it has nothing to do with a wet dream.
Except for being awesome.
March 8th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
great article!
Whats the dinosaur at the bottom called?
March 8th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
If i traveled back in time to the age of the dinosaurs and couldn’t escape i would travel around killing compsognathus untill, i was The Supreme Unholy Emperor of the Compsognathus’!
March 8th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Note:
That was intended for brockway. I can only assume he reads Swaim’s articles in his lame attempts for insight and awesome. (More like cockway, am I right?)
Swaim, You’re good. Done nothing to go on my “to kill with four galleons of toothpaste” list.
Sincerely, apologetically,
Duffman.
March 8th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Brockway, you son of a bitch.
You win this round, but wait till DOB comes out with the killer article I pitched to him
You will be obsolete.
yours in nothing but astounded, angry envy,
Duffman.