Cracked's Struggle With Humorbid Obesity: Our Weekly Round-Up

The title for this week's comedy round up comes from CRACKED super-contributor Michael Swaim and it is the second in a line of many vaguely medical-themed puns that will be used to described these Saturday articles for quite a while. Oh that's right, folks, we said "many." Get used to it, because we've got plenty. This week, our body mass index of comedy is well above the national average. Our heartbeat is irregularly hilarious, and our arteries are clogged with dick jokes, all of which contributes to our struggle with Humorbid Obesity.

Speaking of struggle, did you folks happen to watch us stumble awkwardly in a new direction? In case you didn't notice, the very website that you're on right now is completely different than it was last week. We've been experiencing record-breaking traffic as of late, so thought we might shake things up a little bit by shutting down for six hours, creating a bunch of links that don't work and generally confusing the hell out of you, the reader. Name one other site on the Internet that offers all that, and we'll buy you a steak! (We will not.) To defuse the bomb of confusion that we set off yesterday with the re-launch, we've organized all of this week's finest comedy, right here, in this handy little article.

We searched the globe for names that'll grow a beard and chop down a forest simply by being uttered.

Notable Comment: Random poster RandomPoster pointed us in the direction of Dr. Dick Biggerstaff who, if the banner of satisfied-looking models on his website is any indication, has a Ph.D in nailing your girlfriend.

Learn which country considers sheep face a delicacy! Find out what those suspiciously duck-like balls are actually made of! (Hint: It's duck) Discover that baby mice wine is exactly what it sounds like!

Notable Comment: Over on Digg.com, oball says he "would rather eat any number of duck fetuses than a rotting, illegal cheese containing insects that leap at your face and burrow into your intestines." Alright, oball, you're on. A representative from CRACKED headquarters will meet you at the top of the Empire State Building with a camera crew and as many duck fetuses as we can get our hands on (the number will surprise you). Hope you're hungry, oball, because we are going to make you eat your words (and about six dozen duck fetuses).

What happens when Tommy Hilfiger's girlfriend gets disrespected? Easy. He beats the shit out of Axl Rose. Read about that and nine other celebrity fights that make even less sense. If there's anything this article tells us (though, there probably isn't), it's that celebrities fight constantly and indiscriminately. You could be next!

Notable Comment: "Ow, my face! You're breaking my fucking face! Now I can't breathe ... I haven't made a single decent movie in my entire career."-Andy Dick. Look, there were no comments to choose from, so we took a guess at what Andy Dick probably said while Jon Lovitz handed him his own ass in a bar fight.

We provide the Hollywood screenwriters out there with a list of carefully researched and well thought out traps to avoid, which they will most certainly ignore. We also provide you regular readers out there with another reason why Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood sucked (as if you needed one).

Notable Comment: Sarazen over at Digg warns "that when you cut out all these sources you don't have many places left to get good story ideas." Not necessarily true, Sarazen. If Hollywood stopped mining for ideas in video games, comic books, books, old movies, other countries and real life, they could always look to the Internet for ideas. Then, they'd have no choice but to greenlight the Cracked.com movie, 3000 Dick Jokes to Graceland.

We have a very comprehensive comedic list explaining why, by this time next week, you will not be reading articles containing very comprehensive comedic lists. Suspiciously absent from this list, though, painfully apparent, "Not One God Damn Thing Works."

Notable Comment: Sebastardo over on Digg whines "One page? Damn it! I want multiple pages!" We just... We just don't get the Internet anymore.

A press conference where President Bush addresses the very serious issue of zombies in this country. This video was a lot funnier before we realized it was an actual press conference.