Cracked's Struggle With Humorbid Obesity: Our Weekly Round-Up

The title for this week's comedy round up comes from CRACKED super-contributor Michael Swaim and it is the second in a line of many vaguely medical-themed puns that will be used to described these Saturday articles for quite a while. Oh that's right, folks, we said "many." Get used to it, because we've got plenty. This week, our body mass index of comedy is well above the national average. Our heartbeat is irregularly hilarious, and our arteries are clogged with dick jokes, all of which contributes to our struggle with Humorbid Obesity.

Speaking of struggle, did you folks happen to watch us stumble awkwardly in a new direction? In case you didn't notice, the very website that you're on right now is completely different than it was last week. We've been experiencing record-breaking traffic as of late, so thought we might shake things up a little bit by shutting down for six hours, creating a bunch of links that don't work and generally confusing the hell out of you, the reader. Name one other site on the Internet that offers all that, and we'll buy you a steak! (We will not.) To defuse the bomb of confusion that we set off yesterday with the re-launch, we've organized all of this week's finest comedy, right here, in this handy little article.

Manly! The 9 Manliest Names in the World

We searched the globe for names that'll grow a beard and chop down a forest simply by being uttered.

Notable Comment: Random poster RandomPoster pointed us in the direction of Dr. Dick Biggerstaff who, if the banner of satisfied-looking models on his website is any indication, has a Ph.D in nailing your girlfriend.

Nasty! The 6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World

Learn which country considers sheep face a delicacy! Find out what those suspiciously duck-like balls are actually made of! (Hint: It's duck) Discover that baby mice wine is exactly what it sounds like!

Notable Comment: Over on Digg.com, oball says he "would rather eat any number of duck fetuses than a rotting, illegal cheese containing insects that leap at your face and burrow into your intestines." Alright, oball, you're on. A representative from CRACKED headquarters will meet you at the top of the Empire State Building with a camera crew and as many duck fetuses as we can get our hands on (the number will surprise you). Hope you're hungry, oball, because we are going to make you eat your words (and about six dozen duck fetuses).

Donnybrookery! The 10 Most Improbable Celebrity Fistfights

What happens when Tommy Hilfiger's girlfriend gets disrespected? Easy. He beats the shit out of Axl Rose. Read about that and nine other celebrity fights that make even less sense. If there's anything this article tells us (though, there probably isn't), it's that celebrities fight constantly and indiscriminately. You could be next!

Notable Comment: "Ow, my face! You're breaking my fucking face! Now I can't breathe ... I haven't made a single decent movie in my entire career."-Andy Dick. Look, there were no comments to choose from, so we took a guess at what Andy Dick probably said while Jon Lovitz handed him his own ass in a bar fight.

Unoriginality! The 8 Worst Places to Steal a Movie Idea

We provide the Hollywood screenwriters out there with a list of carefully researched and well thought out traps to avoid, which they will most certainly ignore. We also provide you regular readers out there with another reason why Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood sucked (as if you needed one).

Notable Comment: Sarazen over at Digg warns "that when you cut out all these sources you don't have many places left to get good story ideas." Not necessarily true, Sarazen. If Hollywood stopped mining for ideas in video games, comic books, books, old movies, other countries and real life, they could always look to the Internet for ideas. Then, they'd have no choice but to greenlight the Cracked.com movie, 3000 Dick Jokes to Graceland.

Catastrophe! Top 8 Reasons the New Cracked.com is Doomed to Fail

We have a very comprehensive comedic list explaining why, by this time next week, you will not be reading articles containing very comprehensive comedic lists. Suspiciously absent from this list, though, painfully apparent, "Not One God Damn Thing Works."

Notable Comment: Sebastardo over on Digg whines "One page? Damn it! I want multiple pages!" We just... We just don't get the Internet anymore.

Zombie! Video: Zombie Press Conference

A press conference where President Bush addresses the very serious issue of zombies in this country. This video was a lot funnier before we realized it was an actual press conference.

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10 Comments

Lythium

I don't mind the new format, except for the damned glitch where some threads have the right-hand part of the text running smack into the advertisement column.

I guess that's ONE way to get us to look at that crap >:|

Posted on 10/17/2007 5:49:39 AM

pollox

Is it possible to have at least one feature on people that have monkey faces? Geez.

Posted on 10/16/2007 5:03:11 AM

tonyk

The resurrection is upon us.

Posted on 10/14/2007 8:57:33 AM

Jesús

Ha. Lovely new design, Cracked. Love the comment boxes.
From Mexico, Jesús.

Posted on 10/14/2007 8:42:26 AM

The obese man in the column header should hopefully be aware that his third man-boob has developed a mouth and nose

Posted on 10/14/2007 7:21:15 AM

Disgruntled Ass

Woooooo, new site design!! Hey, waitaminute....IT SUCKS!! WTF?!?! OMG TEH NOOBZ IS TEH STUPIDZ. In seriousness, the new site design sucks ass. Switch it back, dammit!

Posted on 10/14/2007 2:46:27 AM

caractacus

I agree guys. Small Grey text on a white background is murder on the eyes. Make it green, or Polka Dotty.You don't want to send all your readers blind do you. That's what porn is for.

Posted on 10/14/2007 1:09:05 AM

Old colour was much chiller than this all white page.

But then again, the all new features do compensate.

Posted on 10/13/2007 10:35:58 PM

BOOOOOOOOOOO

I want the old site back. Although this comment dealy I just used for the first time is pretty sweet. At least give us the old color scheme back, this all-white page is murdering my eyes.

Posted on 10/13/2007 10:17:09 PM

MichaelSwaim

Yay! I actually got something onto the CRACKED website! I can hardly believe it! Keep up the good work, CRACKED. Also, your new site design killed Jesus and turned Anakin evil.

Posted on 10/13/2007 5:28:20 PM

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Cracked's Struggle With Humorbid Obesity: Our Weekly Round-Up

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