7

The Beyond Chunderdome

Allow me to present the Beyond Chunderdome. This is a drink for all your bros and bro-wannabes to chug and then immediately die. It comes from the episode of Danger 5 called "Final Victory," in which Adolf Hitler amasses a team of giant monsters a la Godzilla or Voltron. Also, the monsters are Nazis and one has a flaming chainsaw.

This was the only drink on the list that required prior preparation in the form of a freezer, so I drank it first. That may have been a mistake.

The Cocktail

9 parts vodka
4 parts grape fruit drank
Freeze overnight
Serve in plastic cups

That cool, curvy glass up there is what nine parts vodka looks like. "Parts," I learned a bit too late in life, equates to an ounce or a little less than one full shot glass full of liquid. So, essentially, I'm expected to down nine shots of vodka in a single glass, which is a lot of fucking vodka. I mixed my vodka and laughable amount of grape juice into a cup and popped that sucker in the freezer overnight.

When I took it out the next day, I had a cold, purple slushee that smelled like everyone I hung out with in college. My first swig was actually not too bad. Anyone who has chugged vodka straight from the bottle can attest that it's not a big deal to gulp it down, especially if you're a seasoned drinker. The problem was the frozen slush and the grape juice made me want more because of the chilly, fruity aftertaste. I think the trick to this bad boy is that you'll want to drink as much as you can as fast as you can before your body knows it's poisoning itself. Before I knew it, the Chunderdome was gone and I was waking up naked, face down on my neighbor's lawn. Be that as it may, I would definitely recommend this drink to extremely depressed people who need to forget an entire evening, or to a small animal who wants to see what dying is like.

6

The Swiss Kiss

After the Chunderdome knocked me on my ass, I really needed something that went down smooth and didn't beat the crap out of me. That's why I next went for the Swiss Kiss, from the episode "Fresh Meat For Hitler's Sex Kitchen." This episode is about prostitutes infected with a disease that turns anyone they bone into a Nazi. It also takes place in Switzerland, the home country of my new favorite drink in the whole, wide world.

Typical Swiss ...

The Cocktail

2 parts creme de cacao
1 part vodka
Pour over crushed ice
Add milk
Finish with chocolate flakes

Don't tell my wife, but I'd totally fuck this drink. If you're sampling the ingredients as you go along, then every part of this drink is just enchanting. After dumping the crushed ice into my glass, I combined the cacao and vodka. I topped it off with milk and then dug around my pantry for chocolate flakes. I didn't have any in flake form, but I had plenty of chocolate, so I opted for a frozen Reese's cup that I ran through a cheese grater. If Willy Wonka became an alcoholic, he'd have a river of this stuff flowing through his entire factory.

This drink is so smooth and sweet, you would think it was Patrick Stewart. Even though I almost broke up with vodka in my previous entry, all was forgiven when I tried this drink. It's probably akin to a white Russian or a dulce de leche rum cocktail of some variety, but for me it was like an alcoholic chocolate milk. Until I have children, I think this might be the most beautiful thing I have ever put together. In fact, I'm considering just keeping a crib full of these in place of actual children.

5

The Fruit'n'Khamun

Just when things were starting to look up for me and my liver, one of my least favorite liquors reared its ugly head. I hate gin the way Mel Gibson loves it. So when I grabbed the recipe for this cocktail from the episode "Hitler's Golden Murder Palace," my throat tensed up and my body started to convulse like I was just tasered for waking up naked on my neighbor's lawn. I assume. I've never experienced that, because that totally never happened.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not too excited for this entry.

The Cocktail

1 part gin
1 part pomegranate syrup
Fill with pineapple juice
Serve over crushed ice

My saving grace for this drink was that the pomegranate and pineapple proportions outweighed the amount of gin I would be tasting, so flooding Gin City with the equivalent of Carmen Miranda's hat was very exciting to me.

The result of this combination could only be described as "fruitylicious," because it was both fruity and delicious. Commercials, you can have that one for free. And even though I'm a guy who doesn't much care for gin, I would definitely recommend this drink to a friend. In fact, in my drunken stupor, I even added more gin to keep this sucker going a bit longer. The pomegranate and pineapple did their job well, because I got to the bottom of the glass with none of those arid, ginny consequences. You might think this cocktail would change my position on gin, but just thinking about that almost full bottle down on my bar shelf right now is giving me PTSD, so it's probably best to just move on.

4

The Chinese Whisper

This next cocktail had me mixing soda and liquor, which sounds like it should be great, but in reality has burned me time and time again in the past. So I had entered into this one with a kind of cautious optimism just to be on the safe side. The Chinese Whisper originated in the episode "Kill-Men Of The Rising Sun," in which Hitler and Emperor Hirohito create an army of unstoppable, brainwashed super soldiers to fight Danger 5. I learned some very important things from this episode, but none more important than the answer to the question: What the fuck is a lychee?

The Cocktail

1 part rice wine
1 part lychee juice
Pour over crushed ice
Fill with soda

Raise your hand if you've ever heard of lychee before today. I'll assume the only hands up are my own and one supermarket in a 100-mile radius of my house that sold lychee juice. Through my research, I found out lychee is a type of soapberry, which I had also never heard of but was nevertheless thrilled to try, especially because it has the word "soap" in it. So I got my ingredients together and cracked open the can of lychee.

My best description of the smell would be "a burning rubber tire's fart." Just like there's a smelly kid in every classroom, there has got to be a fruit you can label as "the stinky one." That would be lychee. To turn it into juice, I just dumped the whole she-bang into my blender and turned it on liquefy. When you add soda and sake to it, prepare to get a little sick about how the dissipating foam leaves you with this horrifying consequence:

3

The Carlos Sultana

Whenever I recommend Danger 5 to anyone, I always tell them about "Lizard Soldiers Of The Third Reich," the episode where Hitler acquires an army of Nazi dinosaur soldiers. And from now on, whenever I recommend a drink from Danger 5 to anyone, it's going to be the Carlos Sultana. Pretty much any drink that requires ice cream is going to be a complete banger, and the Sultana is certainly no exception.

The Cocktail

1 part dark rum
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
Fill with cream soda
Finish with raisins

I gotta tell you, that Carlos Sultana guy was on to something. The drink bearing his name is just great. I poured my dark rum into a pint glass, then plopped a scoop of ice cream on top. It was tough to not drink that whole thing as a shot, because it looked delicious. But I'd already had enough alcohol to slay a baby rhino, so I decided maybe that wasn't the best idea. Instead, I added my cream soda and sprinkled raisins to top it off. The cream soda and ice cream made a froth so thick, the raisins had nowhere to go.

2

The Heil Hitler

Normally I would steer away from a drink named after one of the worst dudes ever, but the drink mentioned in the episode "I Danced For Hitler" contains orange soda, a beverage of which I am a big fan. Plus, I drink Arnold Palmers all the time and I think I read somewhere that he ate an entire baby once. So just know that I don't condone anything Hitler has done, but I really wanted to try this drink out for myself.

The Cocktail

2 parts dark rum
Crushed ginger
Fill with orange soda

1

The Fruit Madrid

The Fruit Madrid comes from the same episode as the Heil Hitler cocktail. But before I get into the actual drink itself, I need to say something totally serious, all jokes aside. I want there to be no mistaking the following statement for sarcasm or exaggeration, because I am as serious about saying it as I would be with giving a family member's eulogy: The Fruit Madrid is one of the worst things I've ever tasted. That being said ...