6 Fictional Alcoholic Beverages That Actually Get You Drunk

If TV shows and movies have taught us anything, it's that drinking is awesome. I actually think part of Don Draper's job description is "Drink your weight in bourbon and smoke a carton of cigarettes right now." And he makes it look so cool! But an old fashioned is a time-honored cocktail imbibed by the classiest of classy folks for decades. What about the cocktails that are completely made up for a TV show or a movie? Often, they are only there because they're important to the plot or because they're so disgusting that you just have to laugh at the idea of some poor schmuck having to drink that.

I've decided to be that poor schmuck for you and test a few from my favorite TV shows and movies.

#6. Tootsie Roll: How I Met Your Mother

By and large the Tootsie Roll is the tamest entry on this list and a good way to ease into the experiment. This cocktail was invented for the episode "Slutty Pumpkin" of the first season of How I Met Your Mother. The Slutty Pumpkin created this drink at Halloween and claims it "tastes like an alcoholic Tootsie Roll." The man-child in me insists on renaming it "Impossibly Awesome." The adult-man part of me says, "You already had me at 'alcoholic'; I don't even need to hear the rest."

20th Century Fox Television
I've definitely seen sluttier pumpkins.

The Cocktail

Ted: "So, we're at the bar and I see her mix Kahlua and root beer. A cocktail she invented herself. And she called it the Tootsie Roll, because it tastes like an alcoholic Tootsie Roll."

1 part Kahlua
1 part root beer

Since there are no official measurements for this drink, I decided to just fill my glass with half Kahlua and half root beer. Your measurements should be done with the utmost precision.

The utmost precision.

I didn't have actual Kahlua, but I used coffee liqueur. It says "imported" on the bottle, so I assume it's some top-shelf stuff. The drink itself delivers on the promises of the Slutty Pumpkin; it does in fact taste a lot like a Tootsie Roll. If I have one suggestion, it's don't go for the joke shot like I did up there -- do some actual measuring. The first one I made had way too much coffee liqueur and not enough root beer. Once I remedied that oversight, the drink was pretty delicious. So much so that I had three more and had to place the experiment on hold while I took a nine-hour nap on the floor.

The next night, I picked it back up.

#5. Skittlebrau: The Simpsons

I've been watching The Simpsons since as long as my eyes worked. I remember watching the episode "Bart Star," in which Homer first mentioned this drink to Apu, and thinking, "Yeah, I could get on board with that." Unfortunately, I was only 11 at the time and still several days away from my first alcoholic drink. Since I turned 21, however, something caused me to completely forget the concept of Skittlebrau until now.

20th Century Fox Television
Probably the copious amounts of alcohol.

The Cocktail

Homer: "I'm feelin' low, Apu. You got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?"

Apu: "Such a product does not exist, sir! You must have dreamed it."

Homer: "Oh. Well, then just gimme a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles."


My excitement for this drink was not unfounded. I am a fan of everything the Skittlebrau stands for. I started out with a modest pile of Skittles in the bottom of the glass.

Of course, that's an official IBA modest pile of Skittles.

After that, I poured just enough beer to cover the candy and gave it a 30-second spin cycle so I could soak up the delicious candy-coating.

Taste the ???

After creating that putrid-looking mud puddle, I added the rest of the beer. The dissolved candy-coating mixed with the foam to create a delicious fluffy cloud of beer and candy. I want to find a way to market just the foamy part, because it is delightful.

Tell me you wouldn't pay top dollar for that.

When the foam finally settled, I gave the whole thing a little stir and took a sip. I honestly could have had five of these things, but after the Tootsie Roll fiasco the night before, I practiced some self-control. You know, like an adult? The Skittles go extremely well with the smooth taste of the beer, and the two flavors complement each other very well. I can't think of a beer this wouldn't go well with, so seriously, just start filling your pockets with Skittles before you go to the bar, and you'll see what I mean.

We're off to a great start. I was really afraid that these would be awful. But if current trends have anything to say about it, there's absolutely no way I have to worry about that.

#4. Thankstini: How I Met Your Mother

The good thing about 80 percent of How I Met Your Mother taking place in a bar is that the odds of them mentioning creative cocktails are hecka high. That's the case with the Thankstini, a drink created for those who love Thanksgiving but don't feel like paying those outrageous Thanksgiving prices. Barney Stinson invented the Thankstini to be an entire Thanksgiving dinner in one glass. It's a very creative cocktail, I have to admit, but that being said, it's also one of the worst things that's ever happened to me.

20th Century Fox Television
I never thought I'd say this, but I hate you for this, Neil Patrick Harris.

The Cocktail

Barney: "The Thankstini. A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner."

1 part vodka
2 parts cranberry juice
1 bouillon cube (chicken)

Vodka-cranberries are awesome. I don't care who you are; if you don't like vodka-cranberry, you can go drown in a sea of dicks. The Thankstini was almost no exception.

I used diet cranberry because I care about my body, and also
because I made a mistake at the grocery store.

The exception manifested itself in that tiny red cube of ass right there. I made myself a typical vodka-cranberry in a shaker and poured it over the bouillon cube.

Just like grandma used to make Thanksgiving dinner.
The grandma we don't like to talk about.

The drink tasted awesome, and that was a problem. There was no conflict involved! If you want an article about me just drinking vodka-cranberries, I suggest you head on over to my Sex And The City fan blog. The problem is that a bouillon cube is essentially like if you ran your chicken stock through a car crusher. The dense little cube needs to be boiled in water for it to dissolve. Here, it was sitting in an ice-cold martini glass. So I solved this issue the way I solve most of my problems: I started jabbing it with a stick until it finally broke.

No bartender would be caught dead without a jabbin' stick.

Yeah, that's the stuff.

So now I had little chunks of poultry floating around, and I was ready for a proper shot at the Thankstini.

This is the face of a man who has died a thousand deaths with one sip.

And that's when my soul began escaping through my tear ducts. The bouillon cube almost completely cancels out the rest of the flavors. It tastes like vodka-flavored ramen, which sounds like it would be amazing but in reality is salty, chunky, and unpleasant. I was not drunk enough to endure this, so I ended up dumping most of it down the drain and then burned the glass out back in a cleansing ceremony, just for good measure.

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Erik Germ

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