But the gore's the real showstopper in this comic. Instead of dying mostly offscreen, the shark's victims get ripped to shreds right on the page, exploding in waves of viscera as if their last meal consisted out of eight Bloody Marys and a bucket of red paint.

Herald Books

At least the kid on the raft gets a coy angle for when his face gets blendered by shark teeth ...

Herald Books

But the most horrifying death is reserved for Quint, the grizzled surly shark hunter. Sure, his death in the movie was traumatic, but here the shark goes full Tarantino on his ass.

Herald Books

Then his goddamn eye comes out of its socket like it's a rogue grape being squished underneath a boat shoe. Finally, his guts come spilling like they're auditioning for the part of the baby Xenomorph in Alien.

Herald Books

All in all, the comic mixes its Spielbergs too much, leaving a disturbing blend of Jaws and Saving Private Ryan. Though we do look forward to their upcoming comic, in which Indiana Jones teams up with the BFG to save as many Jews as they can from a concentration camp.

So the comic is seemingly about Schwarzenegger's Predator badass, Dutch -- but since this also involves the Alien universe, we get to see the future governor stick his face into a Xenomorph egg like some dum-dum who's never seen Alien.

rowsdowr.com

And he seemingly space-soils himself at the sight of an alien queen:

rowsdowr.com

Then the comic ends with Schwarzenegger's wedding, which is ruined when an alien bursts out of his mouth, hopefully when the minister asks if anyone objects to the marriage.

rowsdowr.com

Then, as further acid blood to the steel hull of intellectual property rights, Schwarzenegger dons his Terminator costume and hops in a spaceship. Again, we don't know the exact translation, but it's probably still less dumb than Terminator Genisys.

rowsdowr.com

And in the final panel, we get to see a Xenomorph using a headset, either talking to other ships or, in it what would be its most horrifying act yet, cold-calling people to see if they're happy with their long-distance plans.

The comic is a mix of drawings and photos from the film, either because it would increase the movie's exposure or the illustrator was lazy as all hell. The result can be quite (intentionally) disturbing, with shots of shocking fright combined with, say, Regan's mom's mouth flapping like she's a Peanuts character.

Umezu Kazuo/Shonen Sunday

The artist was none other than legendary horror mangaka Kazuo Umezu -- who, let's be honest, was mostly phoning it in here. For some scenes, he even combined the movie stills with the comic characters, like if Who Framed Roger Rabbit took a dark detour into demonology.

Umezu Kazuo/Shonen Sunday

Of course, the story was truncated to fit eight pages, which is why Regan goes from an innocent doctor's check-up to full-on Gene Simmons in the span of one frame.

Umezu Kazuo/Shonen Sunday

And the entirety of the exorcism itself is reduced to Regan projectile vomiting while also throwing around vinyl records like a wedding DJ in the midst of a nervous breakdown.

Umezu Kazuo/Shonen Sunday

The original Grimm tale was less Disney-like and more like the kind of short story that results in a lot of intense parent-teacher conferences. Some of those details show up in the comic, such as the witch's plan to kill Snow White. In the movie, we just see the poison apple business, but the book throws in some other schemes, like the decidedly less nuanced plan of straight-up strangulation -- because no bad apple can rival some good old-fashioned piano wire and determination.

North Art Press

Sure, seeing one Disney character garrote another is admittedly disturbing, but even more disturbing is the aftermath, in which seven horrified dwarfs comfort a barely conscious Snow White -- and then do nothing.

North Art Press

No chasing the evil queen up a mountain for a little accident, none of that typical dwarven valor. They help Snow White back up on her feet and then let the queen continue her torture routine, such as raking Snow White's hair for murder by poison comb:

North Art Press

And when their training fails them, they simply pull a gun on a disgruntled golfer.

Minsk Publishing

Yeah, these comics get real dark, real fast, eventually involving some grisly subject matter, such as severed hands, stumbling on corpses, and legitimate bloody murder. We're a long way from punching robots and complaining about anchovies.

Minsk Publishing

Because these unauthorized books were free from copyright, they could also inject a bit of child fantasy fulfillment by, for example, having Batman show up to become besties with the Turtles. But then, because these books make no sense, Batman cockblocks Michelangelo by putting the emo-moves on April.

Minsk Publishing

But at least that type of madness has its basis in reality. Much of the illustrations seem to come straight out of the chaotic fever dreams of a kid growing up in the '90s. To protect your sanity, here's only a smattering of the other randomly insane images from these books:

Minsk Publishing

Sad clowns partying with a pixie, Cronenberg crab, T-Rex in a tutu ... yet all of that still makes more sense than Michelangelo busting a cap in OJ Simpson.

The comic goes through all the beats a biopic would in telling the Hulkster's story, starting with his early days playing in a band -- in which he apparently played one of those guitars that emits an electronic orgasm pulse to the audience.

Special Volume Ace Five Comics

Fate (and likely anyone who wondered why a muscled giant was playing power chords in a garage band) decreed that Hulk should go into wrestling -- which it seems involves getting crotch-kicked and what we can only assume is Japanese for what it feels like when your soul screams in agony.

Special Volume Ace Five Comics

Oh, did we fail to mention that this manga treats wrestling like it is 100 percent real? It does, and it leaves Hogan cutting a bloody path through his colleagues. Like Hulk's bout with Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III, which now includes Andre getting his face crushed into a gory mess:

Special Volume Ace Five Comics

And when we say the manga treated every part of Hogan's life as real, we really meant every part. No longer did Terry Bollea have a small part as a fictional wrestler named Thunderlips in Rocky 3. In this version of his life, it was Hulk Hogan who up squared off against Heavyweight Champion Rocky Balboa. And, of course, he wins.

Special Volume Ace Five Comics

The only sad thing about all of this is that this comic obviously came out too early, meaning that the final panel isn't Hulk body-slamming the head of Gawker until he explodes like a water balloon.