The Star Wars universe has been around for years, but you can still count the number of movies on two hands (and the number of watchable movies on one). As a result, over the decades, a small army of writers has been churning out hundreds of official (and less-than-offical) side stories which have touched upon basically upon every topic except Chewbacca's annual colonoscopy.
So without further ado, here's a very special group of Star Wars yarns which are so goddamn insane that they threaten to defile your happy memories of the original films.
6Everything About The Chinese Star Wars Comic is Batshit
This old bootleg comic book was one of the few ways most Chinese people were able to experience Star Wars pre-Internet, as the films were only ever released in Hong Kong, and not mainland China. The only problem is that this is the type of comic George Lucas could have only approved with a gun to his head.
Though "Xing Qiu Da Zhan" doesn't seem that out of place
in a world of Qui Gon Gin's and Ki Adi Mundi's.
This entire comic reads sort of like a misspelled Friday-night Facebook status for A New Hope. We can infer such because the Rebels are aided by their extra-secret corporate ally, J&B whiskey, which we're assuming is short for "Jedi Ben's Magic Juice."
"Many Bothans got drunk off this."
You can also tell that the artists were only sporadically watching the videotape as it sat in the background at a party and attempted to draw it afterwards. For example, they got Darth Vader mostly correct:
Notwithstanding the Disco Death Star by his head there.
But "Chewbacca" apparently sounds too close to "chimpanzee," which leads us to this abomination:
Instead of ripping arms, they fling poo when they lose.
But the most insane part is how it seems that Vader's master plan is to attack the Kennedy Space Center, because after ruling the galaxy for a few years, he became cocky enough to think that he could take on Florida.
"What are they gonna do? Defeat me with meth and fanboats?"
We do have to give credit where credit is due, however. They half-correctly predicted arguably the lamest twist the prequels offered by deciding that Boba Fett was of the same clone stock as the Stormtroopers.
"No way the real franchise would do something this dumb."
And it's hard to argue that the first film wouldn't be improved by Chinese Darth Vader's satanic triceratops steed ...
This is even more badass than Indian Superman's wild-eyed bloodlust.
... Princess Leia's pornogram to Obi Wan Kenobi ...
Threepio leaves the room, leaving Artoo to helplessly watch Luke masturbating to a hologram of his sister.
... Obi Wan Kenobi's missile-launching warcycle ...
Okay, so the artists had two TVs, and the other one was playing Knightriders.
... or the fact that the Death Star exploding looks like Darth Vader's acid flashback to Woodstock.
"Joe Cocker?!? What are YOU doing here?"
5The Star Wars Novelization Is Natural Born Killers In Space
For kids in the 1970s who wanted to relive the magic of Star Wars, but without the action, special effects, charming actors, or literally anything of importance, there was a book based on the movies, subtitled "From The Adventures Of Luke Skywalker."
Spoiler alert: It didn't have much to do with Luke Skywalker.
Early on in the films, Luke and old Ben Kenobi head to Mos Eisley, the intergalactic bastard child of Albuquerque and Detroit. Luke is hassled by a guy with an ass for a face, which was rather telling about how millions of young people would come to define their adolescence.
Maybe saying he doesn't like you is his way of crying for help.
As a fight is about to break out, Ben-Who-is-Now-Obi-Wan slices off the alien's arm with a lightsaber, but lets him live. In the book, the same scene occurs, but the end result is a little bit different.
"The Old Man held out the severed arm, and flipped the man off with his own middle finger."
And by "a little bit different," we mean a lot more violent. Instead of stopping at slicing the guy's arm off, like a normal and rational Jedi Knight, Obi Wan goes off his rocker and slices two other guys in half:
So Jabba's blue elephant gets five pages of backstory,
but the best George could come up with for this was "rodent-thing"?
This is the kind of shit we've come to expect from George R. R. Martin, not George Lucas. The scene ends with the bartender dragging the "unsightly corpses" out of the bar -- which, to be fair, probably wasn't too different from most nights around closing time.
Assistant Corpse Mover narrowly edges Rancor Cage Cleaner for the worst Tatooine part-time job ever.
But back to that title. Think about this from Luke's perspective for a minute. He's hanging out on a different planet with a strange old man who lives in a cave and showed up out of nowhere. This guy claims it's all good because he used to be friends with your dad -- a line rarely used outside of an idling van with tinted windows situated by of a middle school gym. The old man then takes him to a dive bar and promptly goes on a murder spree.