We all love to complain about Hollywood's obsession with remakes, but foreign markets have been remaking American blockbusters with a shamelessness that would make the executives currently considering Die Hard But With Emojis blush.
Maybe "remake" is too strong a word, though, as some of these foreign films have so little to do with the originals that it feels like the makers didn't even bother to see the thing they were supposed to be copying. Occasionally, when you combine a country with lax copyright laws with such a total lack of fucks given, you do wind up with something interesting, even if it's still hot garbage. For instance ...
6The Russian Avengers Have A Bear
Hell yeah they do! You know what makes everything a hundred times more awesome? A bear. Do the Avengers have a bear? Nope.
We rest our case.
If, for some reason, you need more details, the movie is called Guardians, and they're essentially Soviet-era Avengers, if the Avengers didn't have time for lame heroes like "guy who's good with a weapon that's been out of date for centuries" and "fragile bird version of Iron Man."
There's a guy who can telekinetically shoot rocks around like he's from a dimension where The Last Airbender was actually good, some speedy maniac with a couple of giant swords, Russian ScarJo, and, in case you've forgotten, a bear-man. Who shoots a machine gun.
All four heroes in Guardians are supposed to represent different aspects of Soviet Russia, and while the movie hasn't yet made clear what each hero represents, including a performing bear who gets the shit kicked out of him seems right on the money.
Also accurate: When the Russian bear does the shit-kicking, and no witnesses give even the slightest fuck.
Not that it needs one, but the movie does have a plot. The heroes have to save the USSR from some machine-controlling threat which sounds what would happen if Magneto and Ultron had a Chinese knockoff baby. Not that we're complaining, because a gun-wielding bear-man versus an army of killer robots is a movie we've been wanting since we doodled it in our grade-school notebooks. Their logo even has claw marks on it, because this movie knows when it has a bear by the tail.
Have fun settling for ants and raccoons, America.
Also, in true Russian fashion, this two-hour brawler featuring a bear with a minigun and an assassin with a permanently bloodied curved blade ripping baddies to shreds is rated "age six and up." We eagerly await their inevitable absorption into one of the next Civil War movies.
5Bollywood Remakes Fight Club As Fight Club: Members Only
Sohail Khan Productions
Fight Club is easily the greatest movie ever to get quoted to death at the gym by bros who miss the point. But those dudes are American Film Institute scholars compared to the people responsible for Fight Club: Members Only. It seems the first and only rule of production was to only hire people who last saw Fight Club at least a decade ago and weren't sober.
If you can't watch the trailer, here is an exhaustive list of the similarities it has to David Fincher's Fight Club:
-- There are men who fight according to a series of rules.
End of list.
Sohail Khan Productions
Mischief. Mayhem. Belly noogies.
Not that the rules in Members Only make much sense. There are basic ones like "valid reason" or "no weapons," but also more complicated ones like "the left hand rule" and "once and for all," which make it sound more like square dancing than brawling. Speaking of dance, this is a Bollywood picture, so of course there are musical numbers. Prepare to witness a new, awful, less metaphorical level of "the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world":
Did we mention that this movie was made in 2006? As you may have surmised from a clip in which the actors party in a club full of hot women while doing a bad '90s boy band rap about how much fun they're having being young and rich, the tone of Members Only is slightly more mellow than the weird and brutal original. The premise is that some college friends start a fight club so that students can air out their differences with fisticuffs, which then evolves into winning a nightclub from a gangster. It's essentially the old "Save the community center with dance!" story, but somehow even less gritty. The fights are slapstick instead of raw, including a sexy wrestling match between two women and this wacky kerfuffle which looks like it's out of a Jackie Chan movie:
But it isn't just the violence that gets the cleansing Bollywood treatment. Instead of Fight Club's dysfunctional romance, wherein Helena Bonham Carter wheezes that she hasn't been fucked like that since grade school, in this movie, we get to watch two hot people have a romantic day on an island paradise.
Altogether, the lesson is clear: Fighting will solve all of your problems and get you laid, kids! Fighting is awesome. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!