A Cracked Round-Up AND a New Holiday!
And just like that, Black History Month is over. Personally, we're still recovering from last night's Black-History-Month/Leap-Day Underwear Party. It was pretty wild.
Anyway, it's March, which means we can finally get the respect we deserve as the world celebrates Cracked History Month. All month long, we'll be recognizing people and things that have had an influence and impact on the Cracked cause. Dicks, for example. Where would we be without dicks?
While we're sitting around making papier-mache dick tributes, you can kick-off Cracked History Month the right way, with a friggin' round-up!
Mike Swaim, perpetuating his role as the internet's foremost source for academic discourse regarding pornography, waxes philosophical on Gene Simmons' sex tape. In an incredibly rare move for the Cracked blog, Chris Bucholz reports on stuff that might actually be considered newsworthy. Returning to form, Ross has a video about The Sexman. Is it disturbing or endearing? You decide! Or, instead, just do your part in the war on Hannah Montana.
Scientology is ... Nice
We've decided to lead off with our video from this past week, in which we level some of the harshest and most well thought out critiques of Scientology ever put to film. It's the video that Tom Cruise tried to ban from the national internet, but couldn't. (Note to Tom Cruise only (regular readers skip this part): Hi, Tom Cruise. That was just a joke. Our readers expect those. Please don't sue us. Just parody. All in good fun old chap! Thanks for reading the site, by the way! Do ignore that cock shadow the forum members Photoshopped onto your face.)
YOUR BODY IS CRAZY!
Sleep Jerk to Piss Shivers: 5 Body Mysteries Explained
Want to know what the black hairy tongue of yours is? It's disgusting. It's hideous, and we hate you for bringing it up. Please, read the article and close your mouth.
Notable Comment: Who? says "Woah. I've had tonsil stones for the past few months, and first time it happened my drug addled paranoid mind had me thinking it was cancer or heart disease of something. I went to the doc who told me it was 'food particles' but I didnt believer her, cos b)how could food look and smell that terrible and b)she was a woman. But now, I can put my mind at ease. Thanks Cracked!" This is a lesson for everybody. If you're experiencing any problems of any kind, consult Cracked immediately.
THEME PARKS ARE CRAZY!
The 9 Most Baffling Theme Parks From Around the World
There's a Dickens World and we can't have our own theme park? Really? Fucking Dickens World? Who do we need to bone to get our own park around here?
Notable Comment: Steveysteve says "I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. I'm going to give her the wedding of her dreams. And then, for the honeymoon, I'm going to take her to Bon Bon Land and watch a giant dog fart in her face." Man, Steveysteve gets it, you know? The man just gets it.
BOOKS ARE CRAZY!
5 Books That Can Actually Make You Stupider
But, really, if you're reading Cracked, you're not on your way to a Nobel Prize or anything anyway, so just go ahead and read the books on this list.
Notable Comment: Anon says "I was expecting to see Catch 22 on the list. All well." Now you listen here and you listen good, Anon: You take that back this god damn second or you'll never walk again. Catch-22 is a damn good book. A damn good book. In fact, you've inspired us to write an article of the "Top 11 Reasons We'd Rather Save a Used Copy of Catch-22 Than Anon In the Event of a Fire." Moving on.
SNOW WHITE IS CRAZY!
The Gruesome Origins of 5 Popular Fairy Tales
There's actually a lot more graphic sex than you remember.
Notable Comment: Alpharat complains "This and other Old World stories always give the wolf a bad end. Bears get to be the good guy, why not wolves?" Oh we totally agree. We won't rest, in fact, until all of America's children learn that bears and wolves are to be loved, respected and touched often.
LI'L JON IS CRAZY!
6 Music Industry Tricks That Must Die
Can we even technically call some of this stuff "music" anymore?
Notable Comment: Howabominable says "If the auto-tune is what's responsible for Hannah Montana, I vote we all band together and raid the recording studios, leaving a path of auto-tuned destruction in our wake. This does not fly!" Looking for a way to make it into the round-up? Here's a hint: Making fun of Hannah Montana does not go unnoticed.
YOU YOU YOU!
Movie Merchandise Too Awesome To Exist
Some guy Photoshopped a toy that aims to choke little children to death. And then we gave that guy money. Wouldn't you like to be that guy? Check out this week's contest about the worst ideas for movie adaptations.
Again! Also, Lex discusses the Oscars and his controversial new haircut. Finally, we've got the week in douchebaggery. It's the news for people who think douchebags and the intricacies of Lex's stylistic decisions are incredibly important.
"I'M YOU!!! From the FUTURE!!!"
"Hey! You got a wrench? I want to remove the seat."
Even with all of these cameras, Steve still couldn't catch the asshole who kept leaving shoe prints on the roof of his van.
The exact opposite of the center of attention.
How small businesses are born.
Little black building was pissed when he showed up with his half of the mustache grown and other building had completely forgot.
The most entertaining part is when she laughs hard enough, milk squirts out their noses.
Mardi Gras is a great time to find our your breast implants are haunted.
He realized the irony of suffering from erectile dysfunction while being made entirely of wood, and it only added to his frustration.
The Amish version of 'Transformers'.
I can't think of anything.... humerus! Eh? Eh?
Finally, definitive proof that early humans were nothing more than heads on sticks.
In Soviet Russia moth swats you! Seriously. Things very bad here with giant moths after Chernoybl. Please send help.