The Gruesome Origins of 5 Popular Fairy Tales
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We know what's you're thinking. "What the hell is Cracked writing articles about fairy tales for? That's kids stuff! Give us more articles about the Top 10 Transformers Characters, or Worst Dressed Thundercat!" And that's good, because that means our Spyware technology is getting better than ever. The thing about fairy tales, though, is that they weren't always for kids. Back when these stories were first told around campfires and in taverns in some medieval village there were very few kids present. These were racy, violent parables to distract peasants after a hard day's dirt farming, and some of them made Hostel look like, well, kid's stuff. #5.
Little Red Riding Hood: Inter-Species Sex Play, Cannibalism
The Version You Know
She gets there, they do the back-and-forth about what big teeth he has, and he eats her. Then, a passing woodsman comes and cuts Red and Grandma out of the wolf, saving the day.
What Got Changed
Well, the woodsman was a later addition to the tale. In the early versions of the story, Red and her Grandmother are dead. The. Goddamn. End. Also, in most versions the woodsman cuts the pair out of the wolf's belly, where they're mostly none the worse for wear despite being eaten, which implies to us the wolf in that story world eats like some sort of python, by unhinging its jaw and swallowing prey whole. Suspension of disbelief only goes so far.
Wait, it gets worse. This is the most horrifying bit that got filtered out before the tale reached both the Grimm's and Perrault (and in fact, only made it into a few written texts). In this version, the Wolf dissects Grandmother, then invites Red in for a meal of her flesh, presumably with a side of fava beans and a nice Chianti. Then he eats her, too. Story's over! Sweet dreams, little Sally! |
Much earlier versions also liked to spice up the sexuality angle of the story, by having Red outwit the wolf by performing a striptease for him while he's lying in bed dressed as her Grandmother, and then running away while he's "distracted" (Note to any young girls out there: if you are ever abducted and menaced by someone, DO NOT DO THIS).
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When I was a kid, back in the ancient 70's, I found an old old book of fairy tales in my Grandma's attic. It included many of the Grimm Brothers, Hans Christian Anderson, and "Mother Goose" collected stories. But medieval style. There was no Cinderella in this book, it was called "The Cinder s**t." She was called this because she slept in the fireplace, and presumably was a little loose.
These stories were graphic, extremely violent, and contained incest, bestiality, rape, and many of our least favourite spam topics. Imagine my surprise when school tried to tell me I was a liar, and these stories never ended the way I claimed. 30 years later, I still have no trust for authority...
I knew about the feet mutilation thing, but not the other stuff. I was in a local production of "Into the Woods" which includes Cinderalla, but the whole feet thing was done with a cute, hardly audible song about the prince and their rather too huge desire for him. (what they would do to themselves for him *cough* *cough*)
What about Hansel and Gretel? Child abuse, cannibalism, incest and.... oh wait, that never got taken out.
There's versions of Cinderella that involve bulls pulling picnic baskets out of their ears, cow horns getting stuck to peoples heads and other totally fucked up things.
i've actually heard parts of or all of most of these. in fact there is a comic book that was made that kinda relates to these versions. dnt remember its name tho
Little Red Riding Hood asked the Big Bad wolf " Are you going to eat me whole ?' " No", the Wolf replied "I.m gonna spit that part out !"
Damn, I was hoping for more jaw dropping moments. For some reason, the idea of the prince nailing sleeping beauty really didn't surprize me LOL
My social studies teacher told us about the sleeping beauty one. I was like ;-;
Honey chile, you just didn't read far enough back in time! You must go back to the Bronze Age to find the real origins of Mr. Big Bad Wolf. At that time it was a god who bounced out of yon Wolf's jaws after being swallowed whole (whether wolfie's name was Fenrir among the Norse or something less pronounceable among the proto-Hindus). And our hero the woodsman was victorious in his second go-round with Sir Big Teeth after bonking the baddy on the noggin. Little Red wasn't really in the original story, though. Neither was Granny. But a lot of water was, penned up like so many cows. It was released upon the death of Mr. Bad, which was the point of the whole exercise. And I'll have you know Calvert Watkins agrees with me on this. Only Mr. Bad back then wasn't a wolf. He was a Dragon.
In one of the original versions of Snow White, she coughs up the apple and wakes up.
@Hermit: you know I think that is actually very possible !
AHAHAH AWESOME !!! I used to listen to and read the grimms brother version when I was little so when I saw the film for the first time I wondered where the hell all the mutilation was
I'm sure most people have heard of the other version of cinderella... I heard it when I was three. Told by my grandma. My first thought was, "Man, that musta been painful."
Aw man.
My childhood emories will never be the same again!
So Rumplestiltskin dived up her vagina, eh?
I think you missed out on the obvious masturbation angle..
A stilt with a rumpled skin? Oh ho hooo... moral of the story is clearly that girls shouldn't use dildos!
Man, we had the teacher read us the Horrifying Version of Cinderella in fifth grade. My thoughts were an odd combination of "Man, this is gross" and "Man, this is AWESOME!"
The nuns at my school told us that Little Red Riding home was actually a cautionary tale for young girls. They said that it is really about puberty and menstruating ("little red") and the "wolves" (aka boys) who are suddenly on the hunt. My childhood is looking more unfortunate by the minute.
It's not "comatose sex", it's rape. Rape is not sex.
@ Zoey: Grimms with an apostraphe indicates the possessive sense, however as it's already a pluralisation, the apostraphe should be after the S, e.g Grimms', not Grimm's or Grimms's. The latter would be the contraction. Any typos or errors in this sanctimonious bit of preaching shall be explained away by the brilliance of Talisker malt whisky. I advise everyone to develope a dependance to it. For the price of one small problem, you virtually eradicate life's big problems. Good trade off. I wonder how long it'll be before anyone else comments on this ancient article? I could make this comments section my own. I rule this comments section! My opinion is all that counts. It's nice to feel important. It takes away the suffocating pain that real life brings me. It is very important that nobody ruins my dream comments section.
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That was lifechanging. When the porn industry tells the tail truer to the story (and our weird dreams) you have to rethink your life values set from childhood.