The 30 Most Unsettling German Halloween Costumes
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According to some very expensive market research we conducted, this Halloween more than 75 percent of Cracked readers are planning on dressing up as Napoleon Dynamite, again. As we lament the sad state of America’s proudest holiday, inevitably the question arises, "How do the Germans practice Halloween? Are they much better at it than us? Like they are with pornography?" It turns out that the answer is no. Despite their mastery of over the top, noholds-barred erotica, the German people have little to no skill at coming up with Halloween costumes that aren’t baffling or terrifying. Below we illustrate the most unsettling examples we could find.
"Of course you can use the phone; he’s standing over there. Oh, you, uh, have to dial ‘0’ to get an outside line. I know it’s normally ‘9.’ It’s weird. No, you’ll have to press harder than that; it’s a little sticky."
This is a pretty typical entry in the canon of unsettling German Halloween costumes. The combination of a grey,felt suit and a bizarrely realistic head, make this look like something out of a dream sequence in a David Lynch film.
Here’s the great emancipator, who, judging by his expression, is scheming up ways to emancipate children from their clothes.
A kangaroo costume isn’t a bad idea if you’re attending a party, as it gives you a convenient place to store food and drink. We’ll tell you from experience, reaching into your nether regions and pulling out a handful of onion dip is a great way to make conversation. Or, end it.
If we’re being generous, we’ll assume this is a friendly tadpole costume, and not a green sperm costume. Although, we’re frankly leaning towards the latter, given that it’s carrying around a towel, possibly to wipe itself off a magazine.
We’re not entirely sure what the cane adds to this costume. We guess it’s a good way to class it up a bit, and probably comes in handy if you need to fend off the cell phone guy when he gets too grabby.
In classical mythology, Neptune is one of the mightiest Gods, second only to Zeus in power. In Germany, he’s a skinny, lime-green Santa Claus.
Most people have heard that David Hasselhoff is extremely and unreasonably popular in Germany, but few know that Alf enjoys a similarly successful music career there, as well. This is because many Germans mistakenly believe the two are related.
According to the website we found it on, this costume is called "America Boy." Given that the costume is covered in the Union Jack, this is a title that misses the mark by just a whisker. This is actually a pretty good example of the kind of geographical blunder Americans are always getting blamed for.
In German culture, the teddy bear is terrible authority figure used to warn children about the dangers of constipation. Continue the freak show! |
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This article is plain weird and a little bit biased.
Okay it is really biased.
American or Japanese costumes are thousand times worse.
And I really believe that "Robin Hood" is more than likely Little John.
And to all the people who scream racism, when they see those ethnic costume:
You know what? Germany is actually really casual about such things.
Because people know it is a freaking joke.
germany is awesome. my favorite offensive american costume is definately the illegal alien costume they were selling at target. it was an alien mask with or without a cheech moustache in an orange jumpsuit holding a green card. its too bad were so loving to illegals that they pulled it from shelves.
Germany's a cool place.
Oh come on people, if you google even for a few minutes you can find much worse junk than this for every other country, including your beloved US. Change that to "especially your beloved US".
I'd say more than three quarters of these are completely ridiculous, not only is the text about Germany complete bullshit, but also does it go so far as to continually blame Germany for pretty much all racial and anti-semitic junk that pops up anywhere.
I've been reading Cracked for a long time now, there's some truly great stuff here. And nobody minds the occasional jokes about and against pretty much anybody, but an entire article dedicated to how stupid Germans must be? What's that all about?
Oh yeah only all British People call it the Union Jack, so let's make a big deal about it.
That costume called "America Boy" isn't of the Union Jack, it's the Union Flag. It's only called the Union Jack when it's flown from a ship, a fact that very few realise. My year 9 history teacher soon learned to call it the Union Flag after a year of my correcting him ^_^
Nice article - the latter few costumes were... disturbing...
The racial costumes made me laugh so f*****g hard. I think the "holy f**k" in the middle is when I lost it
How do you walk through doors, when wearing that fish costume?
I wonder if those are costumes for Halloween or for german Karneval, because for Karneval they should be just ridiculous (which would match all those furry-suits) and for Halloween the costumes usually try to be more scary.
Some of them wouldn´t fit either way, cause there is no excuse for bad taste like that...
I just want a picture of the dreidle saying something like "I represent the cruel deaths of millions!"
Dreidel.
The black guy was face-palm inducing. And the Jewish Top (how are they called in English?) features the wrong letters.
that guy with the curly hair and glasses isn't supposed to be Davin Hasselhoff, that's a German "comedian" named Atze Schröder.
concerning all the dudes in blackface - Americans find this offensive, but should note that no one over there minds, not even black people, because they know it's all in good fun.
like the things posted below about Sinterklaas - no one takes offense, because it's a tradition that was never meant in a racist way.
but of course, for Americans, it probably brings back memories of a time when black people where forced to sit on the back of the bus and entertainers played black people with brown paint on their face.
anyway, a little understanding please...
Dude, I would actually wear the dreidel costume, it's cute.
Ah Germany, how I wish to move there.
Dreidl costume in Germany? You would think that would be outlawed by now. They've outlawed everything else Nazi-esqe. Rightfully so.
i like the last one
oh wow, I've just been censored myself. I guess it then must make sense... the word was n e g r o. or egronay, anayway, I'm just trying to get a point across. Or is someone getting paid for recognizing all 'profanity' and spending the day changing letters to a*******s?
... the utterly insulting black dude (yes the one that deserved the comment 'holy f**k' is a Dutch invention. If you are willing to be shocked right after thanksgiving, there's loads of these buggers on the streets for Sinterklaas. They are called Zwarte Piet, which could translate to "Black Pete". The dutch also used to have a kind of candy that was named negerzoen, which translates into 'n***o kiss'. Though being a rather unoffensive creamfilled chocolate on a wafer, the term negerzoen was banned from the dutch vocabulary recently. The name of the chocolate is censored to just 'kiss'. Zwarte Piet is, however, still going strong every frigging year. And yes, he is the servant of a very white man. If you feel like it, look up sinterklaas any time
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Actually the guy in the red/blue costume with his face painted black is a dutch "Black Pete" from our national holiday, Sinterklaas (and yes it is the origin of Santa Clause). Only our elves are black and kidnap you.