6 Music Industry Tricks That Must Die
If the music industry really wants to save itself, it could start by doing away with all the bullshit. What bullshit, you ask? Here are six underhanded tricks that we could live without, and that our kids probably will.
#6.
Auto-Tune
Worst Offenders:
Kid Rock, Cher, Uncle Kracker, T-Pain
How it Caught On:
Frequently mistaken for a vocoder and more commonly known as "That Fucking Weird Computer Voice Thing," Auto-Tune is actually a brilliant piece of software. All you have to do is tell it which notes you're trying to hit while you're singing. When you fuck up, Auto-Tune makes the necessary adjustments so that you can pretend to be a good singer and a weird sounding robot at the same time. Obviously this has made it invaluable in the world of music.
Singers used to spend days trying to get their songs recorded perfectly, and studios charge by the hour. Some would record late at night when their vocal chords were more relaxed. Some (Rod Stewart) even gargled crew-members' love gravy to get that smooth, even tone (allegedly, but the kid who told us about it in high school also had the best weed, so it has to be true, right?). Auto-Tune has made it possible for performers to lower their recording budgets, get some rest, and sidestep such unfortunate homeopathic remedies.
Why it Must be Stopped:
Unfortunately, Auto-Tune has become the HGH of the recording industry. While we doubt that Kid Rock will be facing a grand jury for his blatant abuse of the software in the steaming turd of a song "Only God Knows Why," we can only hope that any future Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees who've received such a heaping dose of simulated talent will get an asterisk next to their names. Also, we hope that in the future, an asterisk will resemble a middle finger.
"That Fucking Weird Computer Voice Thing" has made it possible for every paparazzi sweetheart, pop culture freak of the week to record an album and assail our eardrums.
For too long, consumers had been duped into thinking that fame had some sort of direct correlation to talent. Auto-Tune provided yet another step down the road towards the inevitable day when Soldja Boi wins the Grammy in rap, R&B, adult contemporary and operatic solo.
Auto-Tune will be around as long as talented musicians and teenage girls who make men want to masturbate continue refusing to be the same person (allow us a moment to shake our fist at evolution). But rest assured that the current trend of making one's voice sound obviously computerized will not last much longer. Our guess is that, in time, That Fucking Weird Computer Thing will sound as dated as Jeopardy's Daily Double laser sound effect.
#5.
Rehab
Worst Offenders:
Scott Weiland, Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse
How it Caught On:
In 2007, Paula Abdul appeared on a morning TV talk show, stoned out of her mind on what we imagine was a combination of oxycontin, absinthe, and Drano. This, of course, got people talking, videos YouTubed, and ratings boosted. In the music industry, there's no such thing as a drug scandal because we expect our musicians to be on drugs. We'd be a little disappointed if we found out they weren't. The downside is that publicists have figured out that checking your client into rehab is actually the cheapest way to drum up publicity, assuming the price of street drugs remains lower than whatever Nickelback's manager pays to get them into Rollingstone.
We are a nation of voyeurs, and there's nothing we like to watch more than celebrity sex tapes. But embarrassing celebrity drug freakouts come in a close second. And since sex tapes require that people actually want to watch you have sex (clearly not the case for two of our three worst offenders) chemical dependency is a much easier go-to. It should be noted that it's not as good an idea to combine drugs and sex tapes, as when a cracked out Tom Sizemore played power bottom to a hooker with an elephant trunk-sized slab of rubber strapped to her pelvis.
Why it Must be Stopped:
Repeat offenders have made going to rehab a joke. While regular-ass people rehabilitate in facilities that are just a step up from county jail, Britney Spears spends an extended weekend in Malibu, then Antigua, then Malibu again. These celebrities are giving real addicts a bad name. We'll start taking their problems seriously as soon as we see Scott Weiland barefoot, hauling ass down Sunset Boulevard, clutching a stolen DVD player.
On the other hand, being a regular person in rehab with a celebrity might not be so bad. If that celebrity is Lindsay Lohan, she'll probably have sex with you if you're a dude with a passably functioning penis. This is preferable to having sex with Lindsay Lohan in the bathroom at a club, because in rehab there will be medical help readily available when you come down with a mean case of Hepatitis F.
#4.
Songs About How California is Phony
Worst Offenders:
Red Hot Chili Peppers, Madonna, System of a Down
How it Caught On:
Those who faithfully follow rock stars do so because they feel a genuine, personal connection through the music. "Here is someone who's just like me," they think, "only better looking, rich and more prone to wearing black leather pants."
When you're a struggling musician, your life isn't that far off from other people: you're unsure of yourself, you're hung over, you get dumped for guys with better jobs (when you're a struggling musician, this includes the guy at the mall who paints himself silver and pretends to be a statue for two hours). Thus the rock star is able to write lyrics that almost anyone can relate to. Your girlfriend dumped you? There's a song for that. You're broke? There's a song for that too. You're married and you just realized that you're gay? R. Kelly wrote twenty-two songs for that.
However, it can become difficult for a performer to relate to his fans when he reaches a certain level of success. Those songs of struggle and heartbreak don't come as easily when the swedish bikini team is wiping your ass with hundred dollar bills in the back of a stretch Hummer limo.
That screaming horde of fans still loves their rock star, though. So much so that they'd trade anything to live his life. With that last remaining connection, the rock star pretends to be down to earth one last time with a song (or in the case of the Chili Peppers, three straight albums) about how California ain't all it's cracked up to be.
Why it Must be Stopped:
Ever since the overrated, pretentious, and ponderous "Hotel California," rock bands have tried to duplicate the Eagles' success. They'll sing ironic lyrics about the glamorous life and it's ugly underbelly, completely missing the irony that they've become exactly the sort of asshole their girlfriend used to leave them for. This is inevitable. It is simply very difficult to examine your own existence while spackling a hotel room with evidence for your future paternity suit.
Many of these songs are passed off as some sort of public service. If too many people are exposed to these contrived and cliched cautionary tales though, they may never have their dreams crushed by Hollywood, leading to the greatest restaurant-staffing crisis California has ever seen.
Vince Neil complained that Hollywood "fat cats" were going to "take our money and flush it down the drain" in Motley Crue's "Fake." Five years later he was singing a cover of "If I Die Tomorrow," through a face full of collagen implants. Fake, indeed.
Hotel California is "overrated, pretentious, and ponderous"? I'm sorry but I can't take that sitting down. In 1977, where the top song of the year was "tonight's the night" by Rod Stewart, 'Hotel California' represented the apex of the rock/country amalgamation that has been butchered in modern times by artists such as Kid Rock. A song who's lyrics weren't just about relationships, but about the seedy lifestyle of Los Angeles, and the indelible history it leaves. Even if you don't like the songs, surely there are worse ones to pick on. Plus, to say that songs like "Dani California" are a result of the Eagles, I'd say that's a bit far-fetched.
ReplyThis list needs the obligatory introductions that pop songs have. "Yo, the radio host may have already said the name of the song and the artist(s) or say it afterwards, but let's waste precious time in the song and shout all of our names!"
ReplyThe music industry needs to have some s**t fucked up so that music can kick ass again.........
ReplyAmy Winehouse? No, she f*****g died in her own house you retard.
ReplyI hope the author feels bad now for calling out Amy Winehouse as the worst offender for making profit off rehab. She fücking died during rehab.
ReplyHe didn't call them out for making a profit, but rather for making publicity. And to be fair, more of what you read about Amy Winehouse was about her being in rehab. They weren't saying these people don't have problems, but rather that their stints in rehab don't seem to actually be about getting clean.
Re:HilahMae
The article implies artists/agents use rehab for cheap publicity. Amy did not need to do that , she had actual talent and would never dream of using autotune.
Did she died?
ReplyI don't think the Red Hot Chili Peppers count for #4. They have very few songs that talk about the phoniness of California. And while they do reference California, and L.A. and Hollywood in particular, in a good deal of songs that is because it is their hometown. They are writing about what they know and what they experience, which happens to be California.
ReplyThankfully, this is only true for mainstream crap music. Yay!
ReplyRiiiiiiiiight. Leave it to the retarded hipster wannabe to act like THEIR crap music is so much better than OTHER crap music. Bless your heart, honey...
Yes, we all know dubwubwubwubwubwub is so f*****g cultured.
This was a slightly miserable article, however I do agree that "Nothing rocks less than a farewell tour".
ReplySeveral things to consider. Yes, auto-tune is often used as a vocal crutch for hip hop artists and pop artists, but there are those who use it simply because they like how it sounds. I can honestly say I've never heard anyone complain about Bon Iver using auto-tune. Ex.) Beth/Rest off the new album. And on top of that, "pitch correction" is far worse, because it can make a singer sound perfect and impedes on their live performance as acute pitch correction cannot be achieved in real time. Also, yes, features can ruin a song and create confusion, but there are many artists who feature other artists simply because they think that certain rapper, singer,guitarist, or whoever, can bring something to the song that will make it that much better. It's the same concept as having a brilliant renowned guitar player shred a solo in your live set (it's f*****g awesome.) The only difference with a feature is that it's recorded. Big deal. I generally agree with the rest of the article, but instead of bitching about what people are doing and how it sucks, why don't you just make something better, without these things? Food for thought.
ReplyAgreed. Like any other effect, it's great if used sparingly and appropriately by talented artists. Like the lens flare of music
"California Über Alles" is the only #4 I can think of that is acceptable. And now Jerry Brown is governor again.
ReplyThat song popped up into my head as soon as california was mentioned! Fantastic song although it's more about the tyrannic governor than showbiz life....
The part about Rod Stewart gargling c*m came from the old Tenacious D shorts (The mini movies, not the HBO series.
ReplyAnd now we have to add that "Ke$ha" girl to #5.
ReplyFriday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday
ReplyDear gods... That girl should have a ball gag surgically grafted onto her mouth, and her parents should be bitch-slapped twice a day.
Would Zepplin's "Going to California" count?
ReplyTom Sizemore did WHAAAAAAAAT?????
ReplyJust about all the music you are talking about is s**t anyway. With technology now-a-days its really easy to avoid the mainstream s**t we call music. Just don't turn on regular radio (use Sirius/XM), don't watch too much tv (i don't even know if music videos exist anymore... do they?) and find your own music ... rather than having the industry tell you what you like. Ya sallies.
ReplyBut what happens when you move out of your parents' house and have to pay the satellite radio bill yourself?
Don't listen to any radio.
Nailed it about the multiple producers. Kanye's "Fantasy" had literally a dozen producers (not including himself), and the whole thing was a mess. I've never heard a "kitchen-sink" album that was so boring in my life.
ReplyExcept the fact that its gained numerous accolades and is critically acclaimed
Yes. Inconvenient, that.
If Ludakris had any street cred (and there's not much chance of that), how much was left after he did that song with Justin - I swear, mom, I only look like a lesbian! - Bieber?
ReplySystem of a Down only has two songs (out of their 5 albums) slanting California, Hollywood in particular: "Old School Hollywood" and "Prison Song". Not bad considering the other 97% of their songs are about war, peace, politics, the human condition, sex, and god knows what.
ReplyI was JUST about to comment on that. Although I wasn't going to toss up those two, I was going to suggest "Lost in Hollywood." There, Daron actually sings the word "phony." I agree with you on the 97% of their other songs. In fact 97% is generous. I'd say 99% of their stuff, and then three songs.