Welp, the Academy Awards are tomorrow night and we feel confident in calling an early victory for the only film on the entire list of nominees that we actually saw this year:
Best Achievement in Makeup: Norbit.
You heard it here first, folks. Anyway, here's a bunch of stuff that's almost as funny as Norbit.
This week in blogging, Gladstone gives us an inside look at the Academy Awards show's Head Writer. Also, Ross seems to be able to tell the future, but only when it directly involves tattoos and breast implants. Speaking of trashy bad decisions, Mike Swaim's got the scoop behind Lindsay Lohan's nude fashion shoot. Speaking of expensive hats, Dan O'Brien has the latest in Hannah-Montana-hating technology.
YOUR MOTHER HATES YOU!
Your Mom Lied: 5 Common Body Myths Debunked
She's also very disappointed in you.
Notable Comment: Why bother reading the comments section if you can just read C.B.'s startlingly accurate summation: "Wwwwwow..while I found the article entertaining, it pales in comparison to the collection of comments. Let's break it down: 1) The adamant, anal retentive debunking squad, 2) The witty Cracked defenders, 3) The automatons looking for sugar mommas/daddies. This is the greatest use of my time EVER."
YOUR MOM HATES LIBYA!
The World's 16 Least Inspiring Flags
Nothing says "Antarctica" like a picture of Antarctica.
Notable Comment: JakeBarkings says "Corporate finance is an area of finance dealing with the financial decisions corporations make and the tools and analysis used to make these decisions. The primary goal of corporate finance is to maximize corporate value while reducing the firm's financial risks." It goes on like that. Seriously, for like three more paragraphs. You're not even trying to read the articles anymore, are you?
YOUR MOM HATES BABY MARIO!
The 15 Most Annoying Video Game Characters (From Otherwise Great Games)
You know, it wouldn't be a bad idea to create a video game wherein the object of the game was to systematically murder every single character on this list. Some kind of Duckhunt-meets-Cambodia-circa-late-Seventies, or something.
Notable Comment: Rena, who is totally a person and not a spambot of any kind, says "Mario should have been NO.1!i grew up with him.------------ my name is Rena, a beautiful woman from us.. internet is a good place to meet friends or even more, right? I just want to find a mature gentleman for fun time here... maybe to be my sugar daddy.. i also uploaded my hot and sexy photos under the name mature4u on SugarCupid.com..maybe you want to check them out." Thanks for posting Rena, but why should Mario be "NO.1" just because you grew up with him? That kind of seems like a good reason for why he shouldn't be on this list, let alone NO.1. Maybe you should re-read this list, you don't seem to have a really firm hold on its message. Anyway, it's good to meet you and great to hear that you are a beautiful woman from us, which we think means America. Your lack of clarity in thought and your horrifically loose grasp on basic spelling and grammar notwithstanding, we agree with you- the internet is a good place to meet friends. We're thrilled it was invented. Also, we hate to disappoint, but you're not likely to find a mature gentleman here, (for fun time or otherwise). We're the guys who write about video games and smurfs and dicks. If that's the kind of guy you're looking for, well, we just might be able to help you out. But a "mature gentleman?" See if CNN has a blog or something.
20 Tacky Religious Products Guaranteed to Anger God
If you're reading this, God, (and, let's not kid ourselves, of course you are), we'd gladly accept the responsibility of rounding up a few other companies that you should probably smite the hell out of.
Notable Comment: AllGayAllTheTime says "I LOVE Testamints, especially spearmint!" Is that an intentional pun? Like, do they seriously market 'Sharpen that Spear[mint] and stab it into Jesus' side?' If not, they should. This marketing writes itself.
SEX SEX SEX!
The 15 Most Bizarre Mating Rituals
A snake orgy is nowhere near as erotic as it sounds.
Notable Comment: anthro student whines "Actually, the bonobos (also known as the pygmy chimpanzee) scientific name is Pan paniscus and the 'common' chimp is Pan troglodytes. Both are classified as 'chimp' and are the only two species of chimp recognized." Yes, originally we were going to dive into a lengthy but informative lesson describing the subtle yet important differences between Pan paniscus and Pan troglodytes, but then we remembered that we're Cracked, so instead, we alluded to a chimp-lesbian-adventure so you could all think about a bunch of lady chimps doin' it the next time you're boning.
The 7 Most Underachieving Wizards in Hollywood History
With great power comes great opportunities to sit around and do nothing with your great power.
Notable Comment: We refuse to highlight a comment from this article. The comments section featured some of the nerdiest comments we have ever seen. Which obscure wizards we left out, which precious wizards we were too hard on, which baseball team Gargamel more closely resembled than the White Sox. Way too much nerd for an already nerdy site.
YOU YOU YOU!
The 30 Most Regrettable Bumper Stickers
We just want one contest where someone doesn't mention child pornography. Can we do that? One contest, is that so hard? Anyhow, someone on this list made real-live money. Wouldn't you like to be that person? Check out this week's contest about movie merchandise we wish they'd had the balls to make.
warning: the bears are diabetic..
"Well s**t," thought Leonard, upon arrival. "Those were the three main reasons I came to Thailand."
When Stephen Hawking's wife was away, out came Sally...
Yes, Billy, I'm sorry you had to find out this way. Grandma wasn't real.
...and Sega fails miserably trying to compete with the Nintendo Wii.
Tagline: He's not handi-capable. He's handi-UNSTOPPABLE.
The Australian Air Force is underfunded, but they don't mess around.
It took 3 weeks to finally unclog the shower, and there was much rejoicing.
Not pictured: Enough ass to make this picture interesting.
The horrific, wraith-like colossi served as warnings to those crossing the bridge that they were entering the wasteland known as New Jersey.
After utterly crushing all opposition and forcing the tennis world to its knees, the Williams sisters discuss the next target for their rage.
Stop digging dude! You're here!
The dead hooker I planted finally took root.
You can't take it with you. So, they didn't.
These guys make the Joker look like a well-adjusted citizen.
A lot of medical problems read like horror movie scripts.
Tour guides don't tell you all the gruesome stuff that goes down at famous locations.
The real video game villains are in the marketing department.