Heretofore Unknown and Exclusive Secrets of Lindsay Lohan’s Gooch and Funbags
The whole of the world’s news media (Starpulse, TMZ, the lady who does my manicures) is abuzz about LiLo’s nude shots in NY Magazine. Well, I suppose it was “Just My Luck” that I happen to know Brent Stern, the photographer who snapped the pics, and he helped me “Get a Clue” about what the experience was like. Sounds like it was quite a “Freaky Friday,” although it occured on a Tuesday. I guess you could say “I Know Who Killed Me!”
So what was it like to re-shoot something you already shot of someone imitating a dead woman they look nothing like? I think I’ll let the man speak for himself. Without further ado, Brent Stern’s behind-the-lens info on the shoot!
“This was our first shot of the day, and classic Marilyn. Nearly perfect, in fact, down to the “tattoo” on Lindsay’s right buttock. Ironically, we had forgotten about the tattoo in Marilyn’s photo; Lindsay just happened to sit in some gunk right before the shot.”
“This pink cloth is supposed to represent the virginal state of the model, a chiffon hymen if you will. True to Marilyn’s original poses, Lindsay had just finished giving oral sex to JFK. Only Lindsay’s JFK was Jerry Frances King, our lighting technician. Way to go, Jer.”
“Naturally, once we got a closer look, we realized a blue polka dot pattern would more accurately represent Ms. Lohan’s disease-ravaged vaginal interior.”
“Interesting fact: this photo was the only in the set not to be color corrected. Lindsay is actually an ashen gray.”
“They don’t let us name the shots, but I secretly call this one “nips ahoy!”"
“At this point Lindsay had become tired of shooting and wanted to go dancing at a club. Thankfully, one of my more resourceful assisstants tossed a net over her and we were able to calm her down with a plate of cocaine.”
“After we’d managed to lull her to sleep with a few bumps of coke (her tolerance is such that anything under a kilo acts as a mild sedative), assisstants replaced the lace netting with a string of restraint diamonds, ionized so as to counterract Lindsay’s (rumored) teleportation abilities.”
“Readers may have had quite a different interpretation of this photograph if they knew that Lindsay was farting continuously throughout.”
“As Raul applied Lindsay’s makeup, I snapped some shots of the back of her head, hoping to convince my editors to run with those instead. Alas.”
“Here, Lindsay displays her unfurled labia. We kind of all agreed to stop shooting after that.”
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes retro throwback videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:10 am
Whatever you say, I just lost feeling in my right arm.
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:39 am
…….. I’d still hit that.
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:18 am
That last caption damn near killed me!!
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:55 am
Bag on Brittney!
February 22nd, 2008 at 10:02 am
I feel so unclean.
February 22nd, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Oh ew. Those were gruesome. Even in black & white she looks like a dried up, cracked out has been.
February 22nd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
hello…
beateful woman
kiss
February 22nd, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Am I the only one who thinks that she looks like she has arm hair in the net one?
February 22nd, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Hmmm… she’s still strangely repulsive, but at least now I know she has decent jugs.
February 22nd, 2008 at 2:30 pm
So many freckles….
February 22nd, 2008 at 3:28 pm
er…why exactly is she so gross in these pics?
Wow she’s a fucked up celeb. Crazy!
Doesn’t look bad to me.
February 22nd, 2008 at 4:25 pm
ugh……she’s not that amazing, and she doesn’t have freckles, thats actually her epidermal herpes…
Also, if this were an Adriana Lima pictorial, I would be MUCH happier
February 22nd, 2008 at 5:20 pm
@ass_master3000: Her body proportions are fairly normal and healthy. This means that to the discerning internet audience, she is hideous and to be loathed. Do you not understand what impossibly high standards of wankableness the sexless demographic must maintain? It’s a burden, yes, but someone has to bear it.
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:04 pm
She don’t look like Marilyn Monroe ,She looks like Ann Margret after Elvis got a hold of her.
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Oh, yeah, Michael Smain wrote an interesting article on Lindsay Lohan’s Gooch and Funbags
today. Read at above.
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Smain? It’s like you’re not even trying anymore.
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Oh, uh sorry I will endevour to do better Micheal.
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:14 pm
I don’t get the nickname for that one shot. She doesn’t look Asian to me in the picture.
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Still has nothin’ Monroe. However she does have nice tits.
February 23rd, 2008 at 1:03 am
She has Boy Nipples… wtf? Either the room was extremely warm or they severed a nerve when they put in the implants. Or she is a dude. Now thats a freaky friday.
February 23rd, 2008 at 2:32 am
Lindsay Lohan is not attractive in any of these photos. She looks like a ferret.
February 23rd, 2008 at 2:41 am
Just wanted to say hi, thanks and bye
February 23rd, 2008 at 8:16 am
Woohooo, LiLo is hot again!!
Never have I read so many negative comments about a naked woman before. Or is this a corner of the web a heterosexual like me is supposed to avoid at all cost?!
February 23rd, 2008 at 8:24 am
Andy Pants, if she looks like a ferret in these photos, then I must say tat she’s the most attractive ferret I’ve seen in a long time. And I’ve seen a lot of attractive ferrets!
February 24th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Not flattering at all…Lohan is an average looking woman. Who thinks this is beauty?
February 24th, 2008 at 11:48 am
too bad marilyn monroe was one of the most beautiful and glamourous icons of all time, and lindsay lohan is a dirty crackwhore who parades her dirty vagina around hollywood for the paparazzi.
February 24th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I agree with Joey. Also, the photoshoot completely obliterated my hopes that Lindsay’s freckles were limited to just her face, arms, legs…back….dammit!
February 24th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Where’s her twin? I think it would have been a lot better with her twin.
February 24th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Yeah, seriously people, lay off. I mean, she got fucking naked for us, give her some credit. We should be encouraging this type of behavior, not bashing her for being “average.” I’m sure all of you haters land hotter babes all the time, though. Just let a naked starlet be naked…and appreciate the gusto
February 24th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
So many haters. She might not be the greatest looking, but she’s looks good. Leave her to her crack pipe and stop being stupid.
February 25th, 2008 at 3:29 am
if marilyn monroe was still alive she would be dead xD (GET IT?!?…bicause of these pictures ¬¬U… nevermind), but Lindsay is kinda hot… but what can i say, i’m a horny teenager =D
February 25th, 2008 at 3:35 am
So many emoticons! :-O
February 25th, 2008 at 6:51 am
These pictures would be so much better if she hadn’t been trying to look sike Marilyn Monroe. That hair just looks ridiculous.
February 25th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Verdict? Real titties or fake titties?? I’m still torn…
February 25th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
I don’t know about beautiful…it looks likes she’s got saggy grandma tits to me. A girl her age should be perkier…it’s just wrong
February 26th, 2008 at 10:42 am
@superbob:
It’s called gravity….
February 26th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Wow…
Anyone remember when she used to be hot?
February 26th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Don’t believe one optimistic word from any public figure about the economy or humanity in general. They are all part of the problem. Its like a game of Monopoly. In America, the richest 1% now hold 1/2 OF ALL UNITED STATES WEALTH. Unlike ‘lesser’ estimates, this includes all stocks, bonds, cash, and material assets held by America’s richest 1%. Even that filthy pig Oprah acknowledged that it was at about 50% in 2006. Naturally, she put her own ‘humanitarian’ spin on it. Calling attention to her own ‘good will’. WHAT A DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE SLOB. THE RICHEST 1% HAVE LITERALLY MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. Don’t fall for all of their ‘humanitarian’ CRAP. ITS A SHAM. THESE PEOPLE ARE CAUSING THE SAME PROBLEMS THEY PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT. Ask any professor of economics. Money does not grow on trees. The government can’t just print up more on a whim. At any given time, there is a relative limit to the wealth within ANY economy of ANY size. So when too much wealth accumulates at the top, the middle class slip further into debt and the lower class further into poverty. A similar rule applies worldwide. The world’s richest 1% now own over 40% of ALL WORLD WEALTH. This is EVEN AFTER you account for all of this ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS from celebrities and executives. ITS A SHAM. As they get richer and richer, less wealth is left circulating beneath them. This is the single greatest underlying cause for the current US recession. The middle class can no longer afford to sustain their share of the economy. Their wealth has been gradually transfered to the richest 1%. One way or another, we suffer because of their incredible greed. We are talking about TRILLIONS of dollars. Transfered FROM US TO THEM. Over a period of about 27 years. Thats Reaganomics for you. The wealth does not ‘trickle down’ as we were told it would. It just accumulates at the top. Shrinking the middle class and expanding the lower class. Causing a domino effect of socio-economic problems. But the rich will never stop. They will never settle for a reasonable share of ANYTHING. They will do whatever it takes to get even richer. Leaving even less of the pie for the other 99% of us to share. At the same time, they throw back a few tax deductable crumbs and call themselves ‘humanitarians’. IT CAN’T WORK THIS WAY. This is going to end just like a game of Monopoly. The current US recession will drag on for years and lead into the worst US depression of all time. The richest 1% will live like royalty while the rest of us fight over jobs, food, and gasoline. Crime, poverty, and suicide will skyrocket. So don’t fall for all of this PR CRAP from Hollywood, Pro Sports, and Wall Street PIGS. ITS A SHAM. Remember: They are filthy rich EVEN AFTER their tax deductable contributions. Greedy pigs. Now, we are headed for the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time. SEND A “THANK YOU” NOTE TO YOUR FAVORITE MILLIONAIRE. ITS THEIR FAULT. I’m not discounting other factors like China, sub-prime, or gas prices. But all of those factors combined still pale in comparison to that HUGE transfer of wealth to the rich. Anyway, those other factors are all related and further aggrivated because of GREED. If it weren’t for the OBSCENE distribution of wealth within our country, there never would have been such a market for sub-prime to begin with. Which by the way, was another trick whipped up by greedy bankers and executives. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. The credit industry has been ENDORSED by people like Oprah, Ellen, Dr Phil, and many other celebrities. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for their ‘humanitarian’ BS. ITS A SHAM. NOTHING BUT TAX DEDUCTABLE PR CRAP. Bottom line: The richest 1% will soon tank the largest economy in the world. It will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. and thats just the beginning. Greed will eventually tank every major economy in the world. Causing millions to suffer and die. Oprah, Angelina, Brad, Bono, and Bill are not part of the solution. They are part of the problem. EXTREME WEALTH HAS MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. WITHOUT WORLD PROSPERITY, THERE WILL NEVER BE WORLD PEACE OR ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE. GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL. Of course, the rich will throw a fit and call me a madman. Of course, their ignorant fans will do the same. You have to expect that. But I speak the truth. If you don’t believe me, then copy this entry and run it by any professor of economics or socio-economics. Then tell a friend. Call the local radio station. Re-post this entry or put it in your own words. Be one of the first to predict the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time and explain its cause. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
February 26th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
so beautiful!!! i found some pics about her on the site @interracialmatch.com. maybe you will be surpised!
February 27th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
They have to be fake….boobs that big don’t have nipples that small. Either that, or she’s so skinny that her small boobs look HUGE. And yes, she is probably very skinny, cameras tend to add about 10lbs.
February 27th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I am at crossroads. on one hand she is fairly hot to say the least and if I didn’t know jackshit about her I would be ready to give it a thumbs up and yet…. when I look into those empty eyes I remember those old Disney cartoons I grew up watching her in and tears me to shreds that she has become this sad sad whore. these pictures make me depressed…..
March 6th, 2008 at 1:55 am
Can anyone tell the difference between these two pictures, cuz I know I can’t. They’re almost identical!
http://www.bartcop.com/marilyn-monroe002.jpg
http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Photos/070529/070520_lohan_vlrg_10a.widec.jpg
March 6th, 2008 at 3:47 am
ew!
March 6th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
True, you fool; Monopoly doesn’t end. And Lohan looks good.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:34 am
What a bunch of liars.
If a girl half this good looking moved in nextdoor you would all suck your own fathers cocks to see her nude.
March 9th, 2008 at 5:19 am
Well I would wrap it up but I wouldn’t say no to that.
March 9th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Channel Ryan…
I Googled for something completely different, but found your page…and have to say thanks. nice read….
March 10th, 2008 at 2:34 am
Someone before me commented on her having normal proportions… I disagree, her tits are way too big for her frame. It’s like tying beach balls to a stick, and it’s disgusting.
March 11th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
It’s completely possible to have boobs that large with nipples that small, without surgery involved. Her proportions indicate it’s not likely in her case, but…
~j
March 25th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
This is sad… When some one has a recent record of dug use and weight fluctuation as much as she has lately it only means one thing….. She’s looking for validation and self confidence in all the wrong places.
May 13th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
I found this site on collegehumor about 4 days ago, and have to say its one of the most informative and funny ones i’ve seen in quite some time. It matches my sadistic, adolescent, potty humor that no matter who you are you know is funny
as for Lohan getting naked, girls are predominantly very concerned about their body image, so if she has the “balls” to do this after everything thats been said about her, thats fine. She’s a good looking girl, and if given the chance I would fuck her to pieces