

|
Wizards have been an essential element of fantasy movies since the dawn of the cinema. Essentially, you can't hope to have a universe of dragons, trolls and adventurous men with names like "Numedor" without including a powerful wizard who is there to lend a magical hand when the going gets tough. Unfortunately, not every wizard in film history has stepped up, and some seem to flat-out prefer cashing in their wizard pensions and spending the rest of their 2,000-year lifespan as the door greeter at Walmart than perform their expected duties. Albus Dumbledore (the Harry Potter series)
Dumbledore is the headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and basically the most powerful damned wizard in the Harry Potter universe. He's a kindly old man, which is a good thing because he can turn invisible, create objects out of thin air, read minds, shoot fire, whatever. He's pretty much a god. Unfortunately, most of the time he gives kind of boring speeches and makes a teenage boy do everything that he, being nearly all-powerful, should probably be doing instead.
The case against him:
Consider Prisoner of Azkaban, where in order to save a friend he casually advises Hermione to use a "Time Turner" device, which lets you effortlessly go back in time and change any thing you want. Wait, what? Why didn't he go back in time and deal with it? Or better yet prevent all those things from happening with his wizard powers? Why not go back and prevent the birth of the wizard Antichrist, Voldemort? And in the 6th book, he actually dies. The man can travel through time, but he couldn't prevent his own freaking death? Skeletor (Masters of the Universe)
Skeletor is He-Man's main nemesis in the Masters of the Universe TV show, comics and films. Essentially a nude, muscular Smurf with a yellow skull for a head, Skeletor is a highly-skilled sorcerer who wields one half of the "Power Sword." He-Man has the other half, and whoever unites the two will become, dare we say, the Master of the Universe.
The case against him:
He was blue, wore nothing but some legwarmers, a mini-skirt and a pair of suspenders, and had an entire mysterious magical arsenal at his command. He could fire lasers out of his eyes, teleport and shoot lightning out of his hands. But most convenient of all, was that he possessed the power of 'remote viewing' which enabled him to sit around in Snake Mountain and cackle at a vision of He-Man and his fellow semi-nude male friends, remarking to henchman Beast Man how He-Man was 'about to fall into' a devious trap he'd set (devious in this case meaning "easily escapable").
Unfortunately, most of the time He-Man escapes from Skeletor's snares by either tricking him or overpowering him. Often the two would wind up dueling with their Power Swords, and He-Man would usually win by cutting a rope that would cause a chandelier to land on Skeletor, binding his arms as he hopped up and down, cursing He-Man and vowing revenge. Why Skeletor during these encounters would not rely on his eyeball lasers or finger lightning is not known. Skeletor also demonstrated, on several occasions, an ability to teleport himself as well as other people across great distances. The fact that He-Man does not find himself whisked away to Bismarck, North Dakota every time he engages Skeletor is a question for the ages, or at the very least the screenwriters. Profion (Dungeons and Dragons)
The case against him:
Anyway, Profion seems to be the most knowledgeable wizard in all the land--the only real competition we notice in the movie is in the form of a highly inexperienced apprentice wizard named Marina, who throughout the film relies almost entirely on Marlon Wayans and some other guy to rescue her. Magically speaking, Profion could pretty much have his way with everyone in the entire D&D universe and there isn't a damn thing anyone could really do about it. Instead, Profion spends the entire movie laughing at something he just said and looking out from his tower of doom at the destruction he has wrought while, again, cackling wildly at what a hoot the whole thing is to him. He also refuses to do any actual work and sends his lackey, Damodar, to chase the good guys, as if standing around and chewing all the scenery is a full-time job. Merlin (Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders)
Merlin has returned after centuries of absence to open up a shop in modern day America, circa 1984. With his bulky wife, Zurella, Merlin gives away or loses a number of magical artifacts which wreak havoc ranging from summoning Satan to causing plants to die.
The case against him:
For being the keeper of all magical knowledge in the world and for supposedly being all-seeing and all-knowing, the Merlin in the '90s made-for-TV Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders would seem not up to the task of working the graveyard shift at a 7-11, much less raising the dead. Lacking a basic knowledge of economics, Merlin gives away items in his store free of charge to anyone who decides to stop in, and he relies exclusively on a puppet, uh, we mean dragon, named Gwendelin for his security system. When a street hoodlum foils Gwendelin and makes off with an evil toy monkey, Merlin recovers the item not via a location triangulation spell but by handing out 'have you seen me?' flyers bearing the monkey's picture. Why not summon the monkey back using his powers of teleportation? Why not travel back in time and beef up his store's security? Why not rain hellfire down upon the earth, destroying the monkey and most of the planet's inhabitants? Unfortunately, we may never know. Gargamel (The Smurfs)
Gargamel is a hermit "wizard" who is the Smurfs' main antagonist. At various times he either wants to capture the Smurfs and use them as part of a potion that creates gold, or he wants to eat them. The Smurfs are a versatile resource for Gargamel.
The case against him:
Instead, Gargamel, with the entire arsenal of potions from the wizarding world at his disposal, launches infuriatingly complicated Rube Goldbergian magical schemes, and completely fails every single time. Being outsmarted by a Smurf is like being outsmarted by one of your shoes. The Smurfs each fulfill a specific function in their little communist utopia, such as being bashful, vain or gay. Take them out of that element and they have no idea how to cope outside of screaming their blue heads off to get Papa Smurf to rescue them. The fact that Papa Smurf usually does rescue them by using his own magical powers means that Papa Smurf is actually a far greater wizard than Gargamel. By extension this probably also means that one of your shoes is likely a far greater wizard than Gargamel. Ulrich of Craggenmoor (Dragonslayer)
In this 1981 cult classic, Ulrich of Craggenmoor is the only wizard left in the world, or at least the world known as the Kingdom of Urland in which the film takes place. He is almost immediately killed while showing off for a knight named Tyrian.
The case against him:
That's right--he'd rather die than exert himself a little. Here we're not even discussing wizarding powers-Ulrich is simply an extremely lazy human being. As a wizard, you'd think there would be an easier means other than causing one's own death to span distances or time. Cryogenic freezing would be one. Carbonite would be another. As would turning one's self into some kind of winged creature and gliding to wherever it is you're going. Any decent wizard should have any number of these options at his fingertips, and by all accounts Ulrich was a more-than-decent wizard. Then again, if part of Ulrich's decision to die was to get out of having to hang out with that dumbass Galen for the entire movie, we have an entirely new respect for him. Gandalf (The Lord of the Rings)
Gandalf is a wizened old wizard beloved by Hobbits and various other things in part due to his curmudgeonly nature and propensity for smoking weed while lighting off trippy fireworks. In the films, he has a working knowledge of Middle Earth geography, has a number of decent contacts amongst the ruling parties of the land and is there with his glowing staff whenever anyone needs a flashlight.
The case against him:
In the films, though, we primarily see his ability to speak ominously when any Hobbit gives him any lip, and for being able to produce light from the end of his decorative stick. Without warning, he'll flash real ability, such as when he went toe-to-toe with the massive fiery Balrog (complete with a cool-ass invincibility bubble that would have come in handy on about 200 other occasions). That he chooses to use those skills so rarely with all of Middle Earth at stake must have been incredibly frustrating for the people who had to work with him. If he can defeat a Balrog, why does he spend 12 hours sitting around trying to figure out the password to the Gates of Moria? Why not just blow them up with a silent rock-exploding spell? Why is a super-powered wizard with unlimited magical ability doing fighting orcs hand-to-hand? This is like melting ants with a magnifying glass when you have access to an M1 Abrams tank. The same guy who can make magical force fields that will block a giant demon sword in the first film, goes charging into battle in the third by smacking people with his staff. Gandalf's laziness as a wizard is cemented by his perpetual spankings at the hand of Saruman, who one-ups Gandalf time and again.
Gandalf shoves Saruman with his stick, Saruman then makes Gandalf spin wildly on his head and then levitates thousands of feet to the top of Isengard Tower. Gandalf speaks to butterflies, Saruman creates a new race of super-monsters. Gandalf makes fireworks, Saruman creates an avalanche from hundreds of miles away. It kind of makes it hard to root for Gandalf to be top wizard in Middle Earth. Saruman sort of earned it. If you'd like to read us bitch and moan about other movie conventions that probably didn't bother you until now, check out our rundown of The 6 Movie Formulas That Must be Stopped. Then, read about one movie in particular that's pissing Wayne Gladstone off (It should be noted at this point that Wayne gets pissed off about celebrity nanny hiring criteria and Spice Girls reunion tours, so he might just be an angry man) . |
|
|
6 Star Wars Characters Too Retarded for Film
6 'Brilliant' Movie Scientists (Who Suck At Their Job)
6 Magical Movie Items They Wasted on Bullshit
6 Famous Characters You Didn't Know Were Shameless Rip Offs
I recently watched some Smurfs for the first time since my childhood and noticed that a recurring theme/joke was that Gargamel was actually a terrible wizard. The other wizards always made fun of him, and just about every spell he ever attempted backfired on him. So just saying, he really wasn't a very powerful wizard, except maybe to the Smurfs, and really Azrael was more of a threat to them.
Where's Aslan on this list? Wasn't he rediculously powerful, yet left all the 'save the world' business to a bunch of kids instead of destroying things himself? Also, he pulled the 'die to come back to life later' bit as well.
Humilty you're comment doesn't make much sense to me.
"Radaghast was on Saruman's side though unwittingly". How does this make him not lazy?
He sent the Eagle to see Saruman on some business or other. The eagle luckily sees Gandalf and saves him. How does this make Radagast not lazy?
The flock of birds in the movie are Radaghasts (If you say so). Well so what? He's still lazy.
Radaghast is a wizard. He has powers, if he got off his ass and got with the program, he might have realized Saruman was taking the piss outa him.
At the very best maybe he did influence things, but since he pissed off hiding he wouldn't even know it.
Is it just me, or does the girl on the cover of Merlin's Shop have her hand up his tunic?
Yay! Thanks, MobRules. It should also be noted that while Saruman was a more powerful wizard than Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White was his superior. Remember the second film when he exorcised Saruman from Theoden? It should also be noted that Saruman was breaking the rules of the Istari hardcore.
The movie was actually pretty accurate in displaying Gandalf's powers. Tolkien's magic was very subtle, and had more to do with impressing your willpower on objects and people who were, most importantly, viable targets. In the Hobbit, Gandalf says to a dwarf who asks him to light a fire in the Misty Mountains that he cannot conjure fire from snow. Because that's f*****g ridiculous, apparently. It's the same with the Nazgul; they were "magic" because they actively had an aura of despair that weakened and scattered the enemy troops. In fact, this depression was so powerful that close prolonged contact was fatal.
More importantly, the bubble he used to shatter the Balrog's sword? Wouldn't work on orcs and their little arrows. The Balrog's sword is made from darkness, which is a trite way of saying that it's his willpower made manifest. As a fellow Maia, Gandalf could block that with his own spiritual strength because, well, that's the name of the game. Real swords would go right through it however.
But you're right. Even with such limitations, Gandalf's sheer will could have been a major weapon against Sauron, except he wasn't allowed to use it like that. When Valinor sent him and the other Istari to Middle-Earth, they were mindful that the only Dark Lords Middle-Earth has been enslaved by were indeed of their race, not an elf or otherwise. So they definitely didn't want to send someone to just march in and kill Sauron, like Eonwe definitely could've done, just to replace him. They still almost got that result with Saruman, but, you know, whatever.
f**k Valinor.
Gandalf was forbidden to use his powers to nuke the Orcs/Saruman/Frodo/Sauron. Its more complex than that but thats why he didn't.
Scorpio, Rhadagast the brown was on Sauman's side though unwittingly. The eagle that saved Gandalf was sent by Radagast and the flock of birds you saw in the movie were also Radagast's.
Tolkien doesn't say much more of him other then suggesting he returned to the undying lands.
of course dumbledore wants harry potter to learn on his own, right? and he's actually busy hunting down horcruxes. and another thing. his death was planned. :)
Smellyhippy3,that comment was massively underrated
Presumed dead..
Ol' Radaghast went hiding when he was needed....Damn hippy
Have you ever read the books, Scorpio? At the council of elrond, they send elrond's sons to fetch him, and when they are unable to find him anywhere it is presumed that he is dead.
Aren't you guys forgetting the powerfullest laziest wizard of all?
God.
"being outsmarted by a smurf is like being outsmarted by one of your shoes"
laughed.my.f*****g.ass.off
In L.O.T.R where the hell is Radaghast? I think he says hello to Gandalf early on then disappears like a big p***y coward. Ok maybe maybe he's not that powerfull but he was definitely on-side, couldn't he have joined forces with Gandalf, the sum of the parts etc..maybe prevent Gandalf getting kicked around by Saruman? Radaghst you suck rats c**k, even your colour is lame, "Radaghast the BROWN..." He probably turned up at the banquet after the final victorious battle...
Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders: this was the first movie I ever saw on a little show called Mystery Science Theater 3000. It almost makes the movie watchable...if you can belive it. And remember; Believe in magic...or I'll kill you.
i've got to be a geek stand up for LOTR... a) when saruman kicks gandalf's ass, it's because at that point in the story, saruman is still more powerful than gandalf. the "white" wizard always had more power than the "grey" wizard.
b)if you read the hobbit, you know that the eagles can't be summoned; they help out people when they feel like it. they're just good friends with gandalf. but even with that, they would have been killed long before they got to mordor...
but to argue FOR his powers, he totally kicked the Nazgul king's ASS in the Return of the King book!..
on gandalf, if he could summon thoe big eagles whenever he wanted (like when they save sam and frodo at the end) wht didn't he just have them take the hobbits TO mordor? when i saw that ending, i just thought, "old man, you had us walk our big floppy latex feet off and you could summon EAGLES the whole f*****g TIME?"
For the Dumbledore one, it turns out that he was busy hunting hocruxes..
In the 7th book, it explains that Dumbledore actually asked Snape to kill him
Why would Dumbledore use a time turner to prevent the birth of Voldemort? Then the series would be ruined
6 Beloved TV Shows (That Traumatized Cast Members For Life)
5 Badass Movie Characters You Didn't Know Were Real People
The 5 Most Maddeningly Unresolved TV Plot Lines
7 Horrifying Moments from Classic Kids Movies
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
6 Types Of Youtube Videos There Are Waaay Too Many Of
One of the best things about Skeletor is in the Masters of the Universe live action movie, when he finally gets all the power he wants and wastes it by trying to make He-Man kneel before him. I remarked to my friends at the time, "Yeah, because that's what I'D be doing with limitless power."