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Dear Hollywood, Hi, it's us! The people who spend money on your movies. Please stop making the same ones over and over again. We've seen the same recycled formulas year after year after year-and frankly, we're tired of it. It's not that we think you're completely useless, just... you know, mostly. We'll admit, you've delivered a few gems recently. Transformers, for example, stumbled upon a refreshing formula: Namely, Giant Robots Fighting Each Other + Megan Fox Standing Around Looking Awesome:
Now that is a formula we can get behind, (if she'll let us. Pow!). You have our permission and, in fact, encouragement to exploit that particular format for a few more years. These next six formulas, however, we never want to see again. #6.
Ultra-Masculine Action Star Gets Stuck With Small Child or Children
Who's Doing It Next: In The Game Plan, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson plays Joe Kingman, a successful quarterback who's whole bachelor lifestyle gets turned around when he finds out (gasp) he has a seven-year-old daughter! No professional athlete has ever balanced his career AND a family. This should get pretty wild, folks! Who Did It Best: Kindergarten Cop. Maybe because it was one of the first of its kind, or maybe it's because Schwarzenegger, with his enormous arms, indecipherable accent and near-constant shouting, is just so naturally frightening that you better believe his little co-stars were crying in between takes. We wouldn't be surprised if some of them still have nightmares about the giant, gibberish-spewing Frankenstein that, for a few months, spent every single day screaming at them. Who Did It Worst: The Pacifier. Our deciding factor:
The scene features Vin Diesel's sensitive and dramatic side and serves as a painful reminder as to why most of Diesel's movies focus more on his kicking-ass and blowing-things-up side. Also, the connection Mr. Diesel shares with the little girl he's sworn to protect is cause for alarm. When he holds her close, you can practically hear the wheels turning in his head as he struggles to find innovative loopholes for that pesky Megan's Law. Why It Needs To Stop: We don't watch action movies for the subtle nuances of the heroes' performances-which is a good thing, because 10 out of 10 action stars cannot act to save their mother. This is never more apparent than when you remove the Terminator's gun and replace it with a baby. #5.
Psychotic Little Kids Terrorize Adults
Who's Doing It Next: Joshua brings us a little boy who, when his new sister shows up, absolutely loses his shit and starts tearing apart his toys, killing his pets and possibly plotting to murder his entire family. It's almost like The Good Son, except for the fact that it's exactly like The Good Son.
When we watch his mom drop him off a cliff at the end of the film, we can pretend he's actually dead and finally get some sleep again.
Take note: If there is a town full of identical kids, they're either evil aliens or everyone's wife is having an affair with the same blond-haired, blue-eyed sex machine. Either way, drown those bastards immediately. Why It Needs To Stop: Because there is not a single nine-year-old on the planet who could take us in hand-to-hand combat, though we welcome any and all challengers. Is a third-grader hinting at suffocating a member of your family? Uppercut that smirk right off his little face and give him some chores. It's called parenting, folks. #4.
Young, Hip, (Read: Black) Guy Invades Typically White World
Who's Doing It Next: In Who's Your Caddy?, rapper Big Boi stars as rapper C-Note, a streetwise cat who tries to obtain membership to an elite country club that is, apparently, populated exclusively by people who would rather believe black people didn't exist.
Who Did It Worst: We're calling this one early for Who's Your Caddy? Not only does it feature a tired formula that we were sick of back when Chris Rock was doing it, but it's also about fucking golf. Oh, and Jeffrey Jones (the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off and probably some other movies) is in it, and we're pretty sure we heard somewhere that he was a pederast.
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I was looking for "Blacks-and-white cop comedy" in that list.
You didn't do cop gets close to cracking a crime, something goes wrong like a partner or family member dying or something then getting kicked off the force. Then after a while ex-cop cracks case kills/arrests bad guys and gets back on the force.
For wronged father movies, I would have thought Taken was one of the best. There are about two minutes of plot and background and the rest of the movie consists of Liam Neeson racing through Europe, chasing down the pedophiles who stole his daughter and kicking all their asses in a nonstop, epic fashion.
If that actually WERE the plot of "Old Dogs", I would absolutely see it, and bring 3 friends.
How could you say Ray did it worse? Walk the Line was THE EXACT SAME MOVIE with a white guy and it came out after Ray. It's bad to see a movie like that for three hours, it's worse to make us see it twice.
I don't know, I liked Williams in Dreams May Come... if that's what the movie was called... whatever, they had an awesome afterlife concept.
i love robin williams... and patch adams... lol.
I would watch a movie where "Superman" and Luke Skywalker massacred children, especially if the latter were psychic. Adults could try to stop them with Kryptonite and Sith powers. Do it, Hollywood: The script almost writes itself!
yikes! that wound up being 20 times longer than i meant it to be. ><
I think we need to take the Robbin williams thing a step further and ban stars (formerly known for their drug abuse and controversial subject matter/inappropriate behavior) from turning into lame unfunny slapsticky shallow father figures for an endless stream of poorly written family films (which they tortuously force upon the public for the next decade or more till the kids grow up). I understand the desire to make some movies your kids can watch without being horribly warped, but do ALL of your projects for the forseeable future have to suck? Cant you alternate a fluff pick with something your fans might enjoy(something your're actually good at).
What makes patch adams (and pretty much everything else between good morning vietnam and death to smoochy) so universally revolting is the stark contrast from his earlier cocaine fueled antics(spastic deluges of silly, crude, inappropriate jokes, and impressions that would suddenly break into inexplicably climbing up to balconies or who knows what new bout of weirdness.) Anyone who remembers what he was like (before disney neutered him in aladdin) can't help but feel he's become RobbinWilliams Lite; watered down and sanitized to the point of sheer annoying innanity.
While williams is a particularly obnoxious example he's by no means the only actor guilty of this. How many people watched Dr. Doolittle and Shrek and (even if you enjoyed it) didn't think back to the "Raw" days or even the axle foley days with some amount of nostalgia? Does anyone who liked Ice Cube back in the NWA, Boyz in da Hood, Friday period of his career not wanna puke a little when they see him in "are we there yet?" and "barbershop"? Does every successive "i have way too many kids" parenting movie starring Steve Martin make you wanna pelt him with copies of the jerk, dirty rotten scoundrels, and origial cast SNL episodes? When you go from New Jack City to being the voice for a talking guinea pig(or worse somehow wind up trapped in an old rich white guy's body making your use of slang rediculous and grossing out the young hottie with yer wrinkly old man boobs), everybody loses.
I think they all accidentally left their edge and or talent(or possibly just the abilty to tell good screenplays from trite crap) Back in their balls--and they should do us all a favor and ask their wives if they could please have their testicles back or at least borrow them for a while. I think it'd be the humane thing to do, save us from another terrible, unconvincing, train wreck of a picture...
i'm totally disappointed you guys left out "mad max" and the "crow 2: city of angels" from your "dads revenge" list. "mad max" being the best of all time and "crow 2" being the worst. 2ndly, in "man on fire", denzel wasn't her father.
Robin Williams + Good Morning Vietnam = worked
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A Series of Poor Decisions: The Twitter Song
"and we're pretty sure we heard somewhere that he was a pederast."
He did 8 months in Chino for exposing himself to an 8 year old.