Last Thursday, Twitter released a Birthday Video and commemorated seven years of glorious, typo-ridden existence by taking us through a montage of all the really annoying behavior they bring out in people. Stuff like ...
#4. Obnoxious Spelling
The video opens with the first ever tweet by founder Jack Dorsey, and we're not off to a great start:
Way to keep that bar within reach, Jack.
So there's no correct spelling, no punctuation -- standard Twitter stuff. Only it's worse than that, because it proves that this trend of lazy typing didn't spring up of its own accord because of how stupid people are -- it was intentional. They wanted Twitter this way from the very beginning. We feel kinda like the heroes in the third act of a zombie movie, right when they meet the evil scientist who planned the outbreak and he taunts them while explaining that they've all just been pawns in his sick game.
Also, that's some stunning hubris right there: Twitter doesn't bother spelling out the name of their own website even in their own promotional material.
#3. Being Corrected By Idiots
Central to the whole Twitter Experience is the "getting told you're an idiot" feature, where pedantic jackasses from all around the world will "correct" you by misunderstanding your joke, confusing what movie you're referencing with a totally different one, or ...
... pointing out a mistake that clearly wasn't one. That's a billionaire, philanthropist TV mogul having her typing criticized by the guy who played Kazaam and, apparently, can only find three vowels on his keyboard. We have no way of knowing if he was shitting when he typed that, so we're forced to assume he was.
#2. Reporting Emergencies Instead of Reacting To Them
We've talked before about how Twitter has kicked mainstream news right in the nuts by breaking key stories before they had a chance to, but it's clear that those cases are the outliers. So when we see something like this ...
"Is it wrong to ask them to pose for pictures first?"
... we're just reminded of the shitbird motherfuckers who tweeted about seeing an injured guy on the hiking trail, but didn't help him. So while that guy was actually riding out on the boat to go help ("Crazy!"), you can bet hundreds more were cursing at autocorrect for making them say "provably crowning" when they meant "probably drowning."
#1. Condensing Big Stories Down To Simple Buzzwords
People are stupid and can't handle complex ideas (we hope you're following us so far). Twitter doesn't just cater to that, it fucking celebrates it. It's not so bad when we're talking about the Grammys (because the Grammys are already a simple, stupid idea) but when thousands of people are killed in natural disasters and we boil it down to one word, it's a bit different.
We think #balls better conveyed the gravity of the situation.
So, yeah, Twitter condensed an incident that resulted in the deaths of nearly 20,000 people down to "#Japan," and felt pretty damn good about themselves, apparently.
Though to be fair, as weird as it is that this shot shows up in a celebratory montage set to light-hearted music, you have to remember that for most Twitter users, the Earthquake in Japan probably is a pretty good memory. After all, it's not everyday you can type out a bland platitude to a less fortunate person half a world away -- especially while you're shitting.
Hope ur excited 4 the next #globaltragedy!
You can read more from J.F. Sargent on Twitter.
Dave C. Bell also totally has a Twitter, by the way.