There are four pillars of existence that support the very foundations of the universe: the speed of light in a vacuum, the Planck constant, Newtonian gravity, and the all-encompassing awesomeness of breasts.
All of these concepts receive more than their share of attention from genuinely talented professionals and well-meaning amateurs alike. The science of boobology, in particular, is prone to attracting all sorts of enthusiasts, some of whom have only familiarized themselves with the intricacies of female anatomy through their sisters' Barbie dolls and RedTube.
Of course, this does nothing to stop them from designing products for boobs, because whatever could go wrong?
#6. Kush Support Breast Separator
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There are those who say that the most devastating force in the universe is dark matter. Others contest that it may be a supermassive black hole in the center of all things, or perhaps an Internet comedy writer on a Friday night bender. However, true scholars know that when our doom inevitably comes, it will come in the form of breasts.
Breasts that touch each other.
OH GOD RUN.
Luckily, one plucky mammary researcher is fighting the impending boobocalypse with the Kush Support Breast Separator, a piece of in-no-way-phallic plastic that can be stuck between the breasts to prevent undue contact:
Buy one to match your skin tone! Or someone else's, that's cool too!
The Kush Breast Separator's main selling point is that it prevents wrinkles and keeps the upper breast from crushing the lower one while the user sleeps on her side, although we know Kush's shadow agenda is all about preventing the inevitable boob revolution that will take place without this high level of isolation. If the boobs get too close, they'll start talking and getting ideas, you see, and we can't very well have them get organized, now can we? No, of course not. Separate quarters for you, boob and other boob.
You can tell she's relaxed because she's surrounded by a family of hideous-looking flower clip art.
#5. The Invisinips
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Underboob, cleavage, sideboob, and practically-every-single-inch-of-the-goddamn-boob are all perfectly acceptable forms of breast display. Yet, as far as censorship and general morality are concerned, nipples are up there with certain orifice-y parts of the butt: You can show as much as you like and still get a PG-13 rating no problem, as long as that one terrifying square inch of your body doesn't make its presence known.
As you know from Biology 101, this is because all nipples are portals to a hell dimension.
In real life, they're less gross.
Their slogan is "Our Nips Are Sealed," because of course it is.
From the minds of the geniuses that brought us the Cuchini camel-toe-hiding apparatus come these flesh cookie-shaped plastic stickers, which can be glued on top of the nipple to forever hide the abomination from mankind. Should the lady giving these products a go (and subsequently having to peel these self-adhesive stickers off where it really hurts) still wish to give them another try, no problem! They're reusable.
"I'll definitely use these again, although mainly because my nipples just came off with them."
Here's what the Amazon page of Cuchini Invisinips says about the product:
I suppose it's technically possible that the "Use over and over and stay green!" phrase refers to the ecological benefits of reusing the Invisinips, but I think we can all agree that it really means the product will physically turn the user green. After all, any person who willingly sticks Invisinips on their nipples is probably halfway to being a Martian anyway, even if there are hot pink organza bags involved.
Wait, hot pink? Stop the presses, this changes everything.
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Yeah, it turns out Invisinips isn't even the strangest nipple-related product on this list. That coveted crown goes to Bodyperks, which is basically the same product, but somehow the exact opposite. Instead of gluing a woman's nipplage to her chest to hide it from the world, Bodyperks aims to fight the power by accentuating the nipple instead. Here's how:
They can also convert your belly fat into two SPARE breasts.
Wow. Those are artificial supernipples, all right. I wonder what they look like when someone is actually using them?
Completely natural, that's what.
The fine company behind this invention is offering us complete, in-your-face liberation of the female nipple, while somehow still managing to hide said nipple beneath even larger folds of plastic than Invisinips. The product website tells us that Bodyperks is a way -- nay, the only way -- to achieve and embrace the "natural look" mere nature has so long denied humanity.
Bodyperks are placed directly on top of the actual nipple (one size fits all, because everyone knows all nipples are the exact same shape and size), whereupon they immediately start making the user's life better in every conceivable way. Check out the completely trustworthy user blurbs from the manufacturer's website:
"I am standard human woman. Making my nipples plastic and aggressive increased my salary and I will live forever. Buy all of this product!"