In a time when everything from artificial tans to calf implants has become culturally acceptable, for some reason genitals usually get left out of the body-decoration process. The only real option until recently was choosing between carpet or hardwood floors.
Not anymore! Now you have exciting options like ...
Originally a high-end spa treatment where a wax job was finished by attaching Swarovski crystals in decorative patterns to the waxed area, vajazzling was introduced to the mainstream by Jennifer Love Hewitt, who is apparently something of a matron saint of this and a huge aficionado herself.
Have fun with that mental image, folks.
We're talking about gluing sharp and pointy objects to your crotch. There's no way any of these could come loose and wind up in, uh, an uncomfortable place, right? After all, the crotch-bedazzling process is done only by professionals, so ... oh, wait -- no. Here's VDIY vajazzling kits right here!
The art of pimping the poontang by gluing glittery stones to it could -- and should -- have remained an exclusive and expensive form of madness reserved for the rich, jaded and unnecessarily masochistic. But apparently after the lovely Miss Hewitt broke the news to the public, someone smelled money and brought it to the masses.
And because everything apparently needs to be horribly, horribly unisex, there are also male versions of this called, no shit, penazzling ...
It may seem absurd but we guarantee that right now there's one misguided individual out there who is grabbing the nearest bottle of glue and rhinestones right now.
Where most women make every effort to be discreet about the whole crotch area (more on that in a moment), men seem to be decidedly more gung-ho about reminding the world they have genitals. Bulge-enhancing underwear is easily the most mainstream item on this list, with large store chains and big-name designers fighting to sell you their particular brands of synthetic testicular elephantiasis. You can even get dick-enhancing swimwear, to make everyone at the pool party extremely uncomfortable.
Yeah guy, you're cool now.
While bulge-enhancing underwear is the equivalent of your balls moving into a mansion, there is surprisingly no room in there for anatomical accuracy. Most of the packages on these briefs look less like actual dongs and more like one of your ass cheeks got lost on the front of your body. They are such absurd and ill-defined lumps that any woman with rudimentary knowledge of male genitalia should absolutely be concerned for the health of the wearer. At the risk of getting too graphic, some of these brands either forgot or don't care that the base of most wangs isn't directly below the belly button.
"SIR, PLEASE SEE A DOCTOR."