The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys

By Ian Fortey Mar 18, 2008 3,620,971 views
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Hedonism got way out of a hand when the internet came along and the sex toy market exploded like, well, a bukkake video. Where once it was simple shoulder massagers and turkey basters that had to be adapted to nefarious purposes, nowadays anything you can think of (and probably a few dozen things you could never think of) are out there to give some lonely shut-in the pleasure they can't get from molesting a damp slice of bread. Things like these ...

#25.
Pig Tail Butt Plug

This thing actually exists and as such, we feel soiled. And at most, 5 percent turned on, but that's pushing it.

Fun Website Quote:

"Make 'em squeal loud and hard with their new black pig tail butt plug! It doesn't get much more humiliating than this."

#24.
Area 51 Love Doll

The inflatable doll market is saturated with all manner of nearly identical, buoyant and boring rubbery women. However, every so often a visionary appears to make a new and exciting love doll, the kind that renews our passion for the loneliest, most pathetic form of self gratification known to man.

Fun Website Quote:

"Its pussy-shaped mouth, 3 supple breasts, suction cup fingers and ass-shaped ears make it the kinkiest love slave in the galaxy."

#23.
Hooded Spandex Full Body Binder Sack

We're not saying we know everything there is to know about sex, though we have spent a lot of time, uh, reading about it. But in none of our experience have we happened upon a case when bagging someone up like a Christmas tree on its way to the dump was a way to initiate coitus.

Fun Website Quote:

"This total body sack is so comfortable, I could spend an entire night in it."

#22.
Rubber Gates of Hell

What man isn't convinced that only the portal to the underworld itself (in this case, fabricated from rubber) can hold back his manhood? Probably quite a few men aren't convinced of that, actually. But for the rest, thankfully, the Rubber Gates of Hell penis harness was created. The exact purpose of this device was lost with its creator, Dr. Arnold Crazy-Fuck, but the thrill of rubber rings and little metal rivets on your junk lives on!

Fun Website Quote:

"Corral your stallion with these slightly stretchy rings designed to please and tease."

#21.
Baby Jesus Butt Plug

This was obviously made to be sensationalistic, probably by someone thinking a massive protest would rev up sales. Or, they were trying to make some kind of deeply personal statement about the flaws of organized religion. But either way, it's a Baby Jesus butt plug.

Fun Website Quote:

"Use him as the ultimate pacifier or make Baby Jesus the centerpiece of your magnificent Dildo Creche."

#20.
Houdini Locking Steel Cock Chastity

We're pretty certain neither Houdini nor his estate have anything to do with this. While the great escape artist was known for being able to free himself from some pretty tight squeezes, the odds are his wang didn't have its own road show where it did the same thing.

Nonetheless this product exists, apparently for the sole purpose of slapping what appears to be roughly 10 pounds of leftover steel plumbing bits to your unit, just so you can't fiddle with it.

Fun Website Quote:

"The tubular steel design makes it impossible to masturbate with this in place and the ratcheting cuff makes sure it stays put until the keymaster is in the mood to release you."

#19.
The Perfect Pair Breast Enhancers

Breast enhancement is nothing new in our world, but if you look closely at this picture using your keen detective skills, you may notice something is amiss. Indeed, these appear to be some sort of strap-on boobies for men. Because what's the fun of putting on grandma's support hose and her best Sunday dress if you don't have the jugs to match?

Fun Website Quote:

"Upright and firm, you can squeeze them and feel them--they feel real!"

#18.
The Cone

There was a scene in Billy Madison when Adam Sandler is talking to a kid when he first gets to high school and the kid says "I was a loser in denial too. Until the lacrosse team stuck a parking cone up my ass." Remember that? So did the designers of this toy. But unlike you, they thought it was an awesome idea.

Fun Website Quote:

"The funky, contemporary style means it doesn't need to be hidden away in the bedroom drawer."

#17.
Anal Speculum

Sex toys are often sold under the guise of bringing couples together and based on experiences we've repressed from summer camp in our teen years, we feel confident saying that few things get you closer to another human than an anal speculum.

Fun Website Quote:

"Perfect for ... medical/clinic scenes for the sadistic proctologist."

#16.
Orca

Sometimes you get to the point where the standard human dong just doesn't do it for you, no matter how unrealistic the proportions. For those people, the caring deviants in the fake dong industry put their skills to work in making a dildo modeled after the junk of an orca whale.

An orca whale.

Fun Website Quote:

"it is over 15 (inches) without the base"

#15.
The Hot Seat Inflatable Cushion Vibe

Did you happen to have a Space Hopper when you were a kid? And were you hoping someone could make your childhood memories of that toy disturbed and traumatic? Today is your lucky day.

This delightful little inflatable foot stool is designed with a flat bottom, so no more falling down and breaking bones then having to call the EMTs and explain you were just dusting when you slipped and somehow got this jammed in your nether regions.

Fun Website Quote:

"... try controlling your wild, bucking passion!"

#14.
Rubber Fisting Mitten

As best we can tell, this must be some kind of boxing glove (they must call it "fisting" in Europe). But why would this be in a catalog of sex toys? And why does the "mitten" go all the way up to her shoulder-OH SHIT.

Fun Website Quote:

"Use plenty of latex safe silicone lubricant when using this and don't forget to use some to shine your fisting glove like I have here."

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208 Comments

...I think it says a lot about me that I find some of these interesting enough to buy.

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 8/30/2010 12:27 AM
AshyAych

#1 looks eerily like the Swedish chef from the Muppet Show...

1 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 8/21/2010 6:31 AM
ChuckB

That's totally what i thought

Posted on 8/22/2010 3:54 AM
Darclipto

i would totally buy the one for the dog, buy a bunch of dogs like 5 at least, get the "female spray" and spray it all over random people when i take the dogs out for a walk XD

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 8/1/2010 5:48 PM
supersaiyin

You know, guys... the spandex body bag is suppposed to work thusly:

1) insert her with two vibrating dildos, preferably with some random modulation (a pair of ic*m on "shuffle" mode might come handy here).
2) (optional) gag her nice and tight so she doesn't wake up your neighbors. Give her some earplugs and a blindfold to induce the state of sensory deprivation.
3) strap her into the sack and unleash the vibration.
5) let her squirm helplessly, blinded, deafened and without a notion of time, in one forced orgasm after another.

(Caution: use this practice only with her informed consent, lest you want to end up in the jail. Keep your eyes on her while she has a gag in her mouth, as an unwanted fatality might occur due to suffocation. Always stay close to a tied person, just in case something goes wrong. Watch her breathing, and most importantly, use your common sense.)

1 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 8/1/2010 11:09 AM
Howen

Tell me good sir, just how many bodies do you have hidden under your basement?

Posted on 8/2/2010 6:00 PM
GodofWar

I'm a purveyor of adult novelty and curio, we have a few of those items. In fact one of my co-workers just sold our Cone (look closely at the instructions-hilarious), I'm sad the Sqweel wasn't on there or "The Rascal"

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 7/5/2010 2:46 PM
baristagirl

It's probably bad, but I'd like to try most of these at least once.

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 6/17/2010 2:55 PM
SpockChick13

What? j*pan hasn't made tentacle rubber doll yet?

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 6/15/2010 6:20 AM
fuckingpedant

OhMiBod actually sounds really fun IMO...what if you wanted the surprise of not being able to predict the vibrations/pulses closer to simulating actual sex? Brings a whole new meaning to "ear candy" and "audiophile"...XD

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 5/27/2010 1:33 AM
MissMercurial

Instead of the Orca, it should be Thor. Thor is a 24 inch long, 5 inch wide horse dildo for men. Furries are terrifying.

2 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 5/26/2010 12:50 PM
lg180

That doesn't sound like a furry.
That just sounds like a zoophile.

Posted on 6/5/2010 9:35 AM
lulzrat

Don't forget the "Paris Hilton." Only one man has even dared to mount it, and he barely survived. Here's to Mr. Slave, the bravest slave in South Park.

Posted on 8/2/2010 6:01 PM
GodofWar

the prince's wand actually looks kind of fun but i've been having a hard time trying to figure out how you would shove that duck up your ass...

2 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 5/15/2010 8:35 PM
scratchmaster

you put it in your piss hole dude eww your f**ked up.

Posted on 6/7/2010 1:52 PM
zachgeorge

You shove the shaft up your dick, then hold it in place with the ring. Go figure.

Posted on 6/15/2010 6:18 AM
fuckingpedant

Why the hell aren't "fleshlights" on this list? Those things (and all derivatives thereof) are pretty much as terrifying as the foot vaginas. Most of these are just examples of how the Cracked writers seem to know very little about female sexual pleasure, which might explain why some pretty common vibrators (duckies are easy to find in any sex-toy shop, for example) are apparently so disturbing to them.

As for the tongue, well ... when dudes would rather scream in terror at a little fake tongue (out of all the potential choices out there ...) than learn to go down on a woman correctly, you have to improvise sometimes. ;)

2 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 5/10/2010 11:25 AM
kery

Uh, I'm a woman and that tongue freaks me right the hell out. Disembodied tongues are not a turn on.

Posted on 5/15/2010 2:19 AM
Kitpup

Rule 34 on disembodied tongues!

Posted on 7/26/2010 8:01 AM
Paradoxasaurus

sex AccentofLove

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 5/1/2010 6:13 PM
CoxAngel

How the FUCK would the cone work? It doesn't take a genius to see that you're not exactly going to get much penetration from that...It's probably more effective at confusing guests.

2 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 4/6/2010 8:59 PM
mjcabooseblu

Torture/Bondage

Posted on 5/1/2010 10:34 PM
ack4

It's fairly obvious it's mostly for external stimulation. Which everyone with rudimentary sex knowledge ought to know is usually more pleasurable for women than just penetration.

And frankly men don't do too badly by it either. Just sayin'.

Posted on 5/10/2010 11:21 AM
kery

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prince's_wand

1 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 3/30/2010 1:20 PM
StonedEmoKid

They do have an entry of that thing? Really? Wikipedia?

Posted on 6/15/2010 6:23 AM
fuckingpedant

It would be a damned shame if the picture of the orca and trainer for number 16 turned out to be the trainer that was killed by the whale recently.

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 3/19/2010 11:42 AM
Soylent_Grin

well, that's horrifying. i'm going to need serious therapy if i ever hope to have sex

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 3/1/2010 12:39 AM
T3h0o8er5pAzZ

From #19
"Now, without having to involve any Mogwai at all, you too can electrocute the living s**t out of yourself, your partner, the cat, the mailman, or anyone else you can chase down and grab hold of."

Someone has to tell me where I can get a pair of those exclusively for that reason.

3 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 2/4/2010 2:09 AM
Wraithsight

i concur, being able to electrocute anyone who makes me mad would be freaking awesome!!!

Posted on 4/28/2010 1:10 AM
thespaceer

Or you can use handstrapped flamethrower from the super villain article instead.

Posted on 6/15/2010 6:24 AM
fuckingpedant

Um, there's nothing weird about #19. It's obviously for transsexuals...duh.

1 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 1/16/2010 3:10 PM
rtrim29

I know.

Posted on 6/5/2010 9:36 AM
lulzrat

Maybe I'm a little sick but the Houdini Lock steel c**k chastisity looks kinda fun. So do the electro sex gloves. But not in a sexual way, just for f**king with people.

1 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 1/14/2010 6:21 AM
FlowerStick

I thought f**king people was sexual.

Damn modern hip lingo.

Posted on 8/2/2010 6:04 PM
GodofWar

Thanks for sharing .. i love porn videos.. do you have any porn video with vibraters.. i have also liked your post regarding comics best sex scenes.

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 1/11/2010 4:04 AM
cleondann
Cracked stuff on