As quick note to women everywhere: A spider climbing out of your crotch is about as effective a form of birth control as a chastity belt.
Ever heard of anal bleaching? The trend where you let people rub cleaning agents on your anus until it shines white? Turns out that's not all you can bleach.
All pigment must go!
Yes, if earlier you decided you wouldn't be satisfied with just changing the color of your pubes, you can totally bleach the brown hell out of the actual flesh on your genitalia.
And yes, of course you can do it yourself, in the comfort of your own home. But wait, there's more! Should you, for some petty reason, be wary of subjecting your soft tissues to detergents, you can also dye the area with the hue of your choice.
My New Pink Button, which is simultaneously the most accurate and the most horrifying product name we've ever heard, allows you to choose from four colors, not all of which -- if any -- are all that normal. One, in fact, flat-out admits to be basically vaginal lipstick.
Fun fact: My New Pink Button can also be used for nipples. The bleach, too.
My New Pink Button has a reputation for hurting like hell.
But at least no one will mock the color of her vagina.
As for bleaching, the drawback is ... everything. Don't do it. The bleach has horrific side effects. Hydroquinone and kojic acid -- both common ingredients in skin bleaches -- can cause some itchiness and rashes, but also liver, kidney, reproductive, cardiovascular, gastrointestinal and respiratory problems, and even cancer.
And if your date has a problem with the color of your genitals after getting close enough to see them, it probably wasn't going to work out anyway.
Pauli is a freelance writer. You can find more about him here.
There's plenty of more dongtacular articles in our book.
For more horrifying things you can do to your genitals, check out 8 Terrifying Instruments Old-Time Doctors Used on Your Junk and The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys.
And stop by Linkstorm to discover whether or not David Wong penazzles.