7 Bizarre Products for Dressing Up Your Genitals
In a time when everything from artificial tans to calf implants has become culturally acceptable, for some reason genitals usually get left out of the body-decoration process. The only real option until recently was choosing between carpet or hardwood floors.
Not anymore! Now you have exciting options like ...
Originally a high-end spa treatment where a wax job was finished by attaching Swarovski crystals in decorative patterns to the waxed area, vajazzling was introduced to the mainstream by Jennifer Love Hewitt, who is apparently something of a matron saint of this and a huge aficionado herself.
Have fun with that mental image, folks.
We're talking about gluing sharp and pointy objects to your crotch. There's no way any of these could come loose and wind up in, uh, an uncomfortable place, right? After all, the crotch-bedazzling process is done only by professionals, so ... oh, wait -- no. Here's VDIY vajazzling kits right here!
The art of pimping the poontang by gluing glittery stones to it could -- and should -- have remained an exclusive and expensive form of madness reserved for the rich, jaded and unnecessarily masochistic. But apparently after the lovely Miss Hewitt broke the news to the public, someone smelled money and brought it to the masses.
And because everything apparently needs to be horribly, horribly unisex, there are also male versions of this called, no shit, penazzling ...
It may seem absurd but we guarantee that right now there's one misguided individual out there who is grabbing the nearest bottle of glue and rhinestones right now.
Where most women make every effort to be discreet about the whole crotch area (more on that in a moment), men seem to be decidedly more gung-ho about reminding the world they have genitals. Bulge-enhancing underwear is easily the most mainstream item on this list, with large store chains and big-name designers fighting to sell you their particular brands of synthetic testicular elephantiasis. You can even get dick-enhancing swimwear, to make everyone at the pool party extremely uncomfortable.
Yeah guy, you're cool now.
While bulge-enhancing underwear is the equivalent of your balls moving into a mansion, there is surprisingly no room in there for anatomical accuracy. Most of the packages on these briefs look less like actual dongs and more like one of your ass cheeks got lost on the front of your body. They are such absurd and ill-defined lumps that any woman with rudimentary knowledge of male genitalia should absolutely be concerned for the health of the wearer. At the risk of getting too graphic, some of these brands either forgot or don't care that the base of most wangs isn't directly below the belly button.
"SIR, PLEASE SEE A DOCTOR."
The Cuchini Cameltoe-Hiding Apparatus
As we alluded to, women have the opposite problem of the crotch-enhancing males. Thus we have the Cuchini, a device for the ladies designed to hide cameltoe when they're wearing bathing suits.
According to the manufacturers, the Cuchini is meant to cover the ridges of the mons pubis area, providing a smooth and camouflaged appearance. So, yeah, basically a pillow you stick in your bikini bottom in order to spare yourself from the supposed crippling embarrassment of owning a vagina.
The Cuchini uses adhesive to stay in place, and you're going to be using it in water. We're going to say that either they're using an adhesive so strong you wouldn't want it anywhere near your lady parts, or that this thing is going to slip around. Maybe it'll roll up and make the wearer look like she's hiding way more than a cameltoe.
The mascot for Cuchini is also worth mentioning because it, like the product itself, hides the taboo tools of human sexuality behind something exponentially more bizarre. We're fairly certain the mascot is supposed to be an anthropomorphized camel, but it looks more like a woman with a shaved giraffe's head, mangled fingers and a snapped neck.
One that can also, evidently, fart stars.
The BibHanger Genital Weighting System
When we say that devices like this are intended to make your penis bigger, let's make it clear that they are purely cosmetic. Penis lengtheners and even surgeries can make your junk look bigger, perhaps, but their effect on the actual boner is questionable and, at worst, horrifying.
And so we arrive at the subject of the BibHanger. Behold:
You may not know what you're looking at there, until you see the "weight attachment" hook at the bottom. That torture trap is just the commercial version of a trend in the penis-enlargement community. "Hanging" is just what it sounds like: You hang weights from your penis to make it look bigger. Knowingly taking countless actual, horrible health risks ranging from simple to "oh God this can never be undone."
"Yeah, I'm sitting pretty at 11 inches right now. I can't ever have another erection, but whatevs. Totally worth it."
Some active hangers might want to make the argument that unlike most training programs, the BibHanger actually has a chance of increasing their penile length and even girth. And while they're quick to point out that the process is very similar to bodybuilding, what they leave out is that achieving any visible results at all will take years. Years of dangling junk from your junk. Years of maintaining a risky workout program where one little mistake can and will incapacitate your dick, forever.
In other words, hanging is for life. This seems a bit redundant, as women -- even those impressed by penis size alone -- tend to become uncomfortable when their man periodically hangs stuff from his junk in their living room.
An actual BibHanger training program.
Another scary thing: The BibHanger is the safest option. The Internet is full of instructions for building your very own dick rack from scratch, like this one made from tube socks, shoelaces, empty milk bottles and the subliminal whispering of Castratia, the goddess of severance.
Neon Pubic Dyes
Are your carpet and curtains naturally mismatched? Do your genitals want to express their punk individuality and show that they don't cater to society's stodgy conventions? Don't worry -- Betty Beauty pubic hair dyes are here for you.
A handy way of offering your significant other some variety without having to bother with all that "shaving" nonsense, these marvelous pube dyes are available in subtle, natural colors like green and pink.
Have you ever dyed your hair at home? It's tricky, the results are unpredictable and there are all manner of potential side effects, none of which you really want to associate with your crotch -- which, we'd like to remind you, is approximately a gazillion times more sensitive than your scalp. Then again, if you're the type of person dyeing your vagina electric green, you're probably already an old hand at coping with pain.
Now with free stencils!
Most notable, however, are the various ways that Betty Beauty spins its product line as something other than pure torture and clown-bush. Here are some excerpts from the boxes:
On Bridal Betty (which is exactly what you imagine):
Something old, something new, something borrowed and now that something blue can be you, and your bottle of Bridal Betty Malibu Blue!
On Sunburst Betty:
Transform your downstairs hair into a ball of sunlight that will truly brighten up a birthday or other special occasion! You might need sunglasses when confronted with the radiance of Betty Sunburst Orange, such is the force of its luminous qualities.
Above: Either a vagina or a solar flare.
The thing is, if this or any product could really make our crotch shine with such "radiance" that other people would need sunglasses to look at it, we'd own it already. Maybe move to some remote part of the world and convince the natives to worship our magical genitals.
Despite what the name may suggest, vatooing has nothing to do with inky needles and questionable drunken decisions. It's a process where the picture or wording of your choice is painstakingly airbrush-painted onto your lady bits, turning them into a seven-day art exhibition.
Longer, if you aren't a big fan of showers.
Vatooing lasts for a week, assuming there is no friction -- friction that might occur from, say, sex or wearing clothes. So while there may be a point in turning female genitalia into something even more worth seeing and even more untouchable, we have no idea what said point could be; men already have a way to see vaginas they can't touch. It's called the Internet.
Also, here are a few of the stunning displays of craftsmanship responsible for the dry spell of each girl who goes under the gun:
As quick note to women everywhere: A spider climbing out of your crotch is about as effective a form of birth control as a chastity belt.
Ever heard of anal bleaching? The trend where you let people rub cleaning agents on your anus until it shines white? Turns out that's not all you can bleach.
All pigment must go!
Yes, if earlier you decided you wouldn't be satisfied with just changing the color of your pubes, you can totally bleach the brown hell out of the actual flesh on your genitalia.
And yes, of course you can do it yourself, in the comfort of your own home. But wait, there's more! Should you, for some petty reason, be wary of subjecting your soft tissues to detergents, you can also dye the area with the hue of your choice.
My New Pink Button, which is simultaneously the most accurate and the most horrifying product name we've ever heard, allows you to choose from four colors, not all of which -- if any -- are all that normal. One, in fact, flat-out admits to be basically vaginal lipstick.
Fun fact: My New Pink Button can also be used for nipples. The bleach, too.
My New Pink Button has a reputation for hurting like hell.
But at least no one will mock the color of her vagina.
As for bleaching, the drawback is ... everything. Don't do it. The bleach has horrific side effects. Hydroquinone and kojic acid -- both common ingredients in skin bleaches -- can cause some itchiness and rashes, but also liver, kidney, reproductive, cardiovascular, gastrointestinal and respiratory problems, and even cancer.
And if your date has a problem with the color of your genitals after getting close enough to see them, it probably wasn't going to work out anyway.
Pauli is a freelance writer. You can find more about him here.
There's plenty of more dongtacular articles in our book.
For more horrifying things you can do to your genitals, check out 8 Terrifying Instruments Old-Time Doctors Used on Your Junk and The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys.
And stop by Linkstorm to discover whether or not David Wong penazzles.