The 6 Most Ridiculous Products Ever Made for Boobs
There are four pillars of existence that support the very foundations of the universe: the speed of light in a vacuum, the Planck constant, Newtonian gravity, and the all-encompassing awesomeness of breasts.
All of these concepts receive more than their share of attention from genuinely talented professionals and well-meaning amateurs alike. The science of boobology, in particular, is prone to attracting all sorts of enthusiasts, some of whom have only familiarized themselves with the intricacies of female anatomy through their sisters' Barbie dolls and RedTube.
Of course, this does nothing to stop them from designing products for boobs, because whatever could go wrong?
Kush Support Breast Separator
There are those who say that the most devastating force in the universe is dark matter. Others contest that it may be a supermassive black hole in the center of all things, or perhaps an Internet comedy writer on a Friday night bender. However, true scholars know that when our doom inevitably comes, it will come in the form of breasts.
Breasts that touch each other.
OH GOD RUN.
Luckily, one plucky mammary researcher is fighting the impending boobocalypse with the Kush Support Breast Separator, a piece of in-no-way-phallic plastic that can be stuck between the breasts to prevent undue contact:
Buy one to match your skin tone! Or someone else's, that's cool too!
The Kush Breast Separator's main selling point is that it prevents wrinkles and keeps the upper breast from crushing the lower one while the user sleeps on her side, although we know Kush's shadow agenda is all about preventing the inevitable boob revolution that will take place without this high level of isolation. If the boobs get too close, they'll start talking and getting ideas, you see, and we can't very well have them get organized, now can we? No, of course not. Separate quarters for you, boob and other boob.
You can tell she's relaxed because she's surrounded by a family of hideous-looking flower clip art.
Underboob, cleavage, sideboob, and practically-every-single-inch-of-the-goddamn-boob are all perfectly acceptable forms of breast display. Yet, as far as censorship and general morality are concerned, nipples are up there with certain orifice-y parts of the butt: You can show as much as you like and still get a PG-13 rating no problem, as long as that one terrifying square inch of your body doesn't make its presence known.
As you know from Biology 101, this is because all nipples are portals to a hell dimension.
In real life, they're less gross.
Outside of porn (which gets a free pass because it pretty much rules the world), nipples are treated with fear and disdain. And that line of thinking is how we wind up with products like Invisinips:
Their slogan is "Our Nips Are Sealed," because of course it is.
From the minds of the geniuses that brought us the Cuchini camel-toe-hiding apparatus come these flesh cookie-shaped plastic stickers, which can be glued on top of the nipple to forever hide the abomination from mankind. Should the lady giving these products a go (and subsequently having to peel these self-adhesive stickers off where it really hurts) still wish to give them another try, no problem! They're reusable.
"I'll definitely use these again, although mainly because my nipples just came off with them."
Here's what the Amazon page of Cuchini Invisinips says about the product:
I suppose it's technically possible that the "Use over and over and stay green!" phrase refers to the ecological benefits of reusing the Invisinips, but I think we can all agree that it really means the product will physically turn the user green. After all, any person who willingly sticks Invisinips on their nipples is probably halfway to being a Martian anyway, even if there are hot pink organza bags involved.
Wait, hot pink? Stop the presses, this changes everything.
Yeah, it turns out Invisinips isn't even the strangest nipple-related product on this list. That coveted crown goes to Bodyperks, which is basically the same product, but somehow the exact opposite. Instead of gluing a woman's nipplage to her chest to hide it from the world, Bodyperks aims to fight the power by accentuating the nipple instead. Here's how:
They can also convert your belly fat into two SPARE breasts.
Wow. Those are artificial supernipples, all right. I wonder what they look like when someone is actually using them?
Completely natural, that's what.
The fine company behind this invention is offering us complete, in-your-face liberation of the female nipple, while somehow still managing to hide said nipple beneath even larger folds of plastic than Invisinips. The product website tells us that Bodyperks is a way -- nay, the only way -- to achieve and embrace the "natural look" mere nature has so long denied humanity.
Bodyperks are placed directly on top of the actual nipple (one size fits all, because everyone knows all nipples are the exact same shape and size), whereupon they immediately start making the user's life better in every conceivable way. Check out the completely trustworthy user blurbs from the manufacturer's website:
"I am standard human woman. Making my nipples plastic and aggressive increased my salary and I will live forever. Buy all of this product!"
The F-Cup Cookie
The F-Cup Cookie is a boob-enhancing Twinkie that is said to contain large amounts of an herbal breast enhancer called Pueraria mirifica, a natural medicine that is apparently pretty well known in the Orient. You can tell it's a trustworthy, certified medical product because it comes in a pink box with sparkles and pictures of boobs.
"FDA, bleh-DA, right, guys?"
Curiously enough, Pueraria mirifica actually seems to have some estrogen-enhancing properties if used correctly and responsibly. Even more strangely, at least one user reports that F-Cup Cookies did indeed increase her breast size a little. However, this tiny change took months of daily consumption and went away as soon as she stopped using the product.
Hey, you know what else can increase your breast size if you eat it every day for months? Normal cookies. Chocolate. Lard. Literally anything that makes you fatter.
I'll just leave this here.
Breast Massage Bras
I made a terrible mistake in the 1990s. My mistake was that I completely neglected to buy one of those ab toning belts that infomercials were courteously offering for the measly price of $79.99.
Ah, to be young again and hear the siren call of the electric hernia belt.
As a direct result of this terrible decision, I constantly have to exercise in order to combat the bulbous spare tire that is ever threatening to turn my waistline into a saggy mound of depression.
Ladies, I beg of you: Learn from my mistakes -- acquire a Pangao breast enhancer today.
Yes, that's a goddamn toning belt for your boobs; a toning bra, if you will. Never again do you have to dread that your breasts will lose their fight to gravity, sag, and/or spontaneously grow spider legs and crawl away while you sleep. This thing will keep them good, perky, and shackled.
This product may look like a particularly unfortunate prop from a lost Joel Schumacher Batman movie, but the Pangao breast enhancer claims all sorts of benefits for its user: Not only can it stimulate the breast, it will also accelerate blood circulation and "activate cell renewal and hormone secretion through physical massage with forceful vibration," which is probably not half as painful and dubious as it sounds. Pangao also promises to make the breasts "graceful and rounded, sexy and youthful."
"Hey, that actually sounds pretty awesome!"
Oh, and there's also a bunch of stuff about "dredging breast glands," "eliminating blood stasis," and "obvious hunch available," but I'm sure that's just marketing jargon and can safely be disregarded.
As we established earlier, our society tends to rank nipples somewhere between Cthulhu and the Taliban on our "things we don't want to encounter on a trip to the mall" scale. But did you know there are actually many people who quite enjoy viewing them in our off time?
And on time. And stand-by time.
Still, even privately displayed nipples have their pitfalls. Let's say you meet a nice person, enjoy a great evening out with them, and find yourself in a situation where getting hot and bothered is a welcome addition to the proceedings. As things take their natural course, you slowly, sexily start removing your clothes. And then, the other person bursts out laughing at the ridiculous color of your nipples, picks up their stuff, and marches out the door -- all the way pointing at your chest and screaming like he was Donald Sutherland and you were about to be Body Snatchered so damn hard.
Has the above scenario ever happened to you? Anyone? No? Well, according to several manufacturers peddling nipple dyes, it totally could, and you should take action right now.
By which they mean you should rub this shit all over your areolae.
Yes, someone out there has foreseen the potential of people actually being dissatisfied with the horrifying color of their nipples. To solve this life-threatening problem, they have selflessly created various dye creams to help nipples finally achieve that "perfect, pert look" they have so long been denied by cruel nature.
These dyes are available in all-natural colors, such as "charcoal black," "sunset," and "raisin glaze," which to us non-experts seems like a fairly poor moniker for a breast product.
Not to start debates with marketing professionals, but is this really an image you want to associate with your areola creams?
Strangely enough, women have met these revolutionary products with bafflement and barely contained sarcasm, as if they -- or, indeed, anyone -- wouldn't appreciate painting their nipples with weird colors that the manufacturer promises are "kiss-proof."
Man, isn't that depressing? You could almost think that women don't want to be force-fed bullshit beauty ideals that stem from porn, fashion, and gossip magazines.
Special thanks to M. Asher Cantrell for his suggestions in this article. Buy his book about words.
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