The 5 Dumbest Supernatural Questions Ever Googled (Answered)
This Halloween, as children ring doorbells up and down their respective neighborhoods like tiny sex offenders, there's at least one house at which they will find no lights, no decorations and no answer. My Uncle Frank is a regular-size sex offender and he's not allowed to hand out candy anymore. What he can offer this holiday, however, is far more valuable: Advice. For the past year now he has been answering real questions posed to Internet search engines from real people. Most of them are embarrassing, shameful and possibly even incriminating but he does it all without a hint of judgment because Uncle Frank knows, perhaps better than anyone, that the depth of human ignorance can never be overestimated.
In honor of Halloween, he has boned up on his knowledge of the supernatural to help out all those poor souls who are thick with desperation and fear. Where searches about spirits and curses would otherwise yield only keyword-optimized ads, now there will be at least one honest answer among them. Yes, it's from a convicted felon, but by god will it be sincere. I'd like to see the Internet promise that.
wow none of this was funny
ReplyThat last piece of advice should be posted on 4chan's paranormal board.
Replyor not...
Some of the damn finest advice I've heard in a very long time. I think that I'd even like to meet frank and maybe even shake his hand...then again to be honest after a few recent incidents I've decided that it's best to just steer clear of sex offenders altogether. And that you never quite know what substances might be on their hands. So scratch what I said before.
ReplyAnyone else think the lesbians picture was a siamese twin at first or is it time to cut down on my drinking?
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies?? They haven't even got the same color hair, and the back one's a bit taller than the other. Maybe you should have a coffee, maybe eat something.
or you can have another double...
no, only you thought that
Sex with ghosts is definitely my favorite lol.
Replymine to...if you know what i mean!
This guy must be the only sex offender that you have to like! LOL :D Go Frank............now i'm gonna go have sex with a ghost
ReplyWould it count if I just kinda, ya know, cut a few holes in a sheet or something?
And a word of caution: When it's night, most times if you get up and see a figure moving around in the dark, chances are that although it may want to have sex with you, it probably isn't a ghost. Don't get naked. Or do if you really, really want to, just make sure you get out of the house beforehand. They frown on that in some places (getting naked in public I mean, not leaving your house [although they may frown on that in some places too]), but maybe you hail from an especially open minded area. Who knows.
I'm sorry Mr frank, but these are so stupid it was irritating just to read it sooooo, KILL THEM ALL! no ignore that part and plz don't tell the cops...
ReplyType in "should you still" in the Google search bar and see the drop down list for an lol.
Reply"Should you still pull out with a condom?"
wat
Who doesn't hate those smug f*****g birds? My flame-belching jitterbug-dancing owl-skeleton display beneath the forty hummingbird feeders sent a whole swarm of those bastards into heart-palpitations this year. Bring your purple throats around MY mountains will you, you stamen-slurping feathered degenerates. Now all I need to do is catch a few more tigers...
ReplyI've been waiting for this since the last advice column, these are my favourites right along with the Drug Fueled Adventures and Man Comics. Keep 'em coming and the sacrifices may resume.
my classmate's step-mother makes $75 an hour on the laptop. She has been laid off for 6 months but last month her income was $8148 just working on the laptop for a few hours. Here's the site NuttyRichdotcom
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesGoddamned spambots!
Well, my Mom makes $100 an hour on the laptop. All she has to do is take off her clothes and s**t in a Coke bottle for a few hours!
Here's the site: FUCKYOUSPAMBOT.FUCKYOUSPAMBOT
That's your mom? I'm her number one subscriber.
Goddammit Sven, 100$ an hour? When I did that, they forced me to pay THEM. They wouldn't believe me when I said it was art. Said it "gave the kids a bad role model". Well, I guess "kindergarten" is anoether place I can't perform anymore...
my classmate's step-mother makes $75 an hour on the laptop. She has been laid off for 6 months but last month her income was $8148 just working on the laptop for a few hours. Here's the site NuttyRichdotcom
ReplyLooking at the 5 previous articles by Soren (Haunted house, Heigl, lunchbox, men who work near my house, wore dress), all of them sucked. Soren could very well be the male equivalent of Christina H. Cracked needs to weed out the scrubs.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOr, you could find a website that meets your particular humor needs. Half a million people had a look at this article, Cracked isn't going to weed out proven gold. I hope. This was actually pretty damn funny.
Dear Christina H
I actually think you don't suck entirely, you have some articles that do, but then again, you are relatively new and you do have some awesome articles.
Now that you have taken to attacking your co-workers with puppet accounts, I have lost all respect of you (but you having wrote the one about declawing cats being a non-issue was the starter, good night.)
*sees thumbs*
I think the readers have a different opinion.
This article sucked. If Christina H wrote this, she'd be burned at the stake. Because it's Soren, all the dimwits who probably didn't even laugh are criticizing negative posts.
ReplyIf you're not gonna say anything nice, don't bother commenting This article is bloody funny, who gives a s**t who wrote it.
How are the questioners going to find the answers when they aren't html? HOW, Uncle Frank?
ReplyDear Uncle Frank
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesHow do I practice safe sex with a zombified partner?
you treat a zombie partner the same as a fat chick: keep every part of your body away from the mouth (this is VERY important) and don't tell your friends (they might judge you).
Grrrrrrrrrr
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
(they might judge you or realise you are the first venereal zombie and treat you like the guy who is obviously hiding a zombie bite)
There are a number of drugs that can prevent zombie flareup, allowing for normal-ish relations. always use a condom and a mouthguard.
Wasn't funny much.
Replyf*****g uncle Frank man. Hilarious.
ReplyIts his patient who shoots him in The Sixth Sense. Hollllleeeeerrrrr
ReplyHey, heard that swooosh! sound just now? That was a joke. It went right over your head.
Soren, you sexy beast, what took so long to write another one?(Yes I realize the grammatical errors in that sentence. The joy this has instilled in me is messing with my grammar.)
ReplyI love the "Uncle Frank" columns :) I love seeing those Google searches answered... although it makes me want to Google something stupid a whole bunch to see if it shows up in a column someday... ;)
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI'm down. Let's do this.
A friend of mine once went on about some place to a girl and was vague on purpose, and only gave one definitive clue. He told me in private that he wanted to be the cause of the only Google search of "countries that smell faintly of mint". She did end up Googling it. I'm guessing he can die happy, now.
Tungsten, I just Googled that phrase and your comment was the 4th result - the first three involved catnip and some book about a cave chick.
Fun fact: I tried it, too, and it was the 3rd result. Hilariously enough, Google suggested "countries that smell", so it seems a lot of people are interested in international odors.