5 Baffling Search Queries Answered by a Complete Lunatic
Like a cool uncle who buys you alcohol and insists that you call him just Frank, the Internet is a wealth of candid answers to secret and embarrassing questions you wouldnt dare ask anyone else. Questions on sexuality, death, drugs and politicswhich would ordinarily carry bureaucratic and hallow responsesJust Frank will answer honestly, without judgment and with only a hint of racism.
But unlike Just Frank, the Internet has betrayed your trust. Everyday it sells your secret queries to companies so they can create content and advertisements around the freakish, fetish-ized question marks you keep smeared across your brain.
Just Frank would never do that.
Just Frank knows the value of a secret and will take every opportunity to remind you of it, specifically in regard to the promise you made never to mention the naked hot tub he suggested that one night when neither of you could sleep and the Sega Genesis was broken.
Im pretty sure I told Uncle Frank how much I hate that hot tub.
I aim to set things straight. Thanks to a friend of mine, I have access to the worlds raw and personal searches. Rather than wringing what money I can from your vulnerable ignorance, I will do my damnedest to handle your questions with the sensitivity and care they deserve no matter how horrifying or idiotic they are. You are entitled to more than the Internet is offering, you are entitled to an advice column written in the spirit of Just Frank. The following are completely real searches done on the Internet and the completely unfiltered advice youve been longing for ever since your uncle was sentenced with no chance of parole.
Uncle Frank is the coolest guy EVAR !
ReplyGolly, I never knew that about horses!
ReplyWHAT WAS THE RABBIT SUPPOSE TO BE???? ugh ...
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliesa hooker stupid.
Pretty sure hookers don't have beaks and tentacles.
well maybe the expensive hookers you know don't, Mr. Fancypants, but some of us can't afford to be so choosy.
He said they feed on spinal fluid, dead giveaway it's a hooker.
Tentacles n' beaks? It's obviously a Cthulhu...wat the f**k else would it be, stupid thing's on everyone's tongue like some blamed watchword of cleverness seems like these days; which honestly wouldn't bug me so much if they weren't all *pronouncing it wrong*, lol. The 'C' is sounded like a hissing cat, and the 'L' and 'H' are sounded together like a lateral 'TH' or a sideways 'S'...jus fyi ;)
This is so win.
Replyyeah, now i'm sure that frank's trolling on purpose
Replyno duh. That's the whole point!
Really? I prefer the idea that through these columns we are learning more about the very twisted mind which is Frank...
I would love to know what Uncle Frank thought a rabbit was.
ReplyI do not want to know what Frank thought a rabbit was.
Replyi'm pretty sure i know what frank thought a rabbit was, but i ain't gonna say on account of i'm usually wrong, even about being wrong. it's an insidious gypsy curse put on me by a chinese witch doctor from angola who lived in haiti and whose daughter's best friend's older sister's ex-boyfriend's sister f**ked on my recommendation (and a fee, all right? there was a... small... fee attached, no big f**king deal, right? right? but, oh no, mr. strange oriental voodoo boy has to take exception to the rash he develops a- oops, right), er, um, yeah...
dreadd, I would like to present you an award for committing to the bit. Here is a golden coupon to Fuddruckers.
That was probably the funniest article I've read on this site, just for the sentence "If it's a chick on the other hand..." and the entire last question. Hilarious.
ReplyWhat I would like to know is why did Soren want to potty train the rabbit "quietly"?
Replythis is why i want to have soren's babies ..
Reply''Oh you meant a rabbit rabbit? oh those dont make any noise you should be fine.'' I was laughing so hard when I read that.
ReplyThe first one caught me off gaurd! I thought it was gonna say somthing like groin or face, but outdoor concert... amazing is all I can say.
ReplySoooo, the guy that you used as the picture of Just Frank is a serial killer from my town. Stephen Corey Bryant. he killed a bunch of people in Sumter, SC. Obviously you must know that, but how did you find such a random guy from my little town?
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesduh!?! they're out to get you, obviously. sheesh.
Is it safe to use the picture of a serial killer that isn't dead yet?
They look nothing a like.
Dude WTF!!!??? I love you.
ReplyLOL That was awesome, the last one was by far my favorite
ReplySorry dude but this didn't work for me. You came over like an educated dude pretending to be a hick moron/nutcase. I sincerely doubt this character would be intelligent enough to structure replies in this fashion, nor would his proof reader correct it to such an extent as to remove the "Frankness" from his advice.
ReplyAnd as we all know, realism and believability are the number one concern here at cracked
Soren, this has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read in my life! Well done sir.
ReplyWhat the hell kind of rabbits did HE grow up with!? Awesome article! Oddly, no searches for porn... I figured just the cracked writers searches would put those at the top of the "most often searched" lists.
Replybalsy article. beating women, anti-semitism, animal abuse, soren is f**king balsy.
Replywell, the chances are good that he has still has a full pair of balls to work with.
Hahahaha that last one...wow.
Reply