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5 Baffling Search Queries Answered by a Complete Lunatic

Like a cool uncle who buys you alcohol and insists that you call him “just Frank,” the Internet is a wealth of candid answers to secret and embarrassing questions you wouldn’t dare ask anyone else. Questions on sexuality, death, drugs and politics—which would ordinarily carry bureaucratic and hallow responses—Just Frank will answer honestly, without judgment and with only a hint of racism.

But unlike Just Frank, the Internet has betrayed your trust. Everyday it sells your secret queries to companies so they can create content and advertisements around the freakish, fetish-ized question marks you keep smeared across your brain.

Just Frank would never do that.

Just Frank knows the value of a secret and will take every opportunity to remind you of it, specifically in regard to the promise you made never to mention the naked hot tub he suggested that one night when neither of you could sleep and the Sega Genesis was broken.

I’m pretty sure I told Uncle Frank how much I hate that hot tub.

I aim to set things straight. Thanks to a friend of mine, I have access to the world’s raw and personal searches. Rather than wringing what money I can from your vulnerable ignorance, I will do my damnedest to handle your questions with the sensitivity and care they deserve no matter how horrifying or idiotic they are. You are entitled to more than the Internet is offering, you are entitled to an advice column written in the spirit of Just Frank. The following are completely real searches done on the Internet and the completely unfiltered advice you’ve been longing for ever since your uncle was sentenced with no chance of parole.

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Soren Bowie

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