This Halloween, as children ring doorbells up and down their respective neighborhoods like tiny sex offenders, there's at least one house at which they will find no lights, no decorations and no answer. My Uncle Frank is a regular-size sex offender and he's not allowed to hand out candy anymore. What he can offer this holiday, however, is far more valuable: Advice. For the past year now he has been answering real questions posed to Internet search engines from real people. Most of them are embarrassing, shameful and possibly even incriminating but he does it all without a hint of judgment because Uncle Frank knows, perhaps better than anyone, that the depth of human ignorance can never be overestimated.

In honor of Halloween, he has boned up on his knowledge of the supernatural to help out all those poor souls who are thick with desperation and fear. Where searches about spirits and curses would otherwise yield only keyword-optimized ads, now there will be at least one honest answer among them. Yes, it's from a convicted felon, but by god will it be sincere. I'd like to see the Internet promise that.

Uncle Frank's Frank Advice: An Honest, Anonymous and Bigotry-Flavored Advice Column How Do You Deal with Psychic Harassment from Mind Reading Witches?

Uncle Frank's Frank Advice: Providing Soul-utions to Terror-ble Problems What Is Wrong Now I've Been Bleeding for Two Weeks? Judging by your tone. I'm

Uncle Frank's Frank Advice: Burying Bewilderment in a Cemetery of Certainty Watering Eyes Head Ache Physical Ailments Point to Psychic Abilities? I'll

Continued on Page 2

Uncle Frank's Frank Advice: The Cure for Confusion What Are the Fears of Purple Throated Mountain Gem Hummingbirds? If you're anything like me, you've

Uncle Frank's Frank Advice: Spirited Recommendations for the Terminally Lonely How Do You Get a Ghost to Have Sex with You? Ghosts are always sending

Special thanks to David Yehaskel who sifts through raw Internet searches and is responsible for the soul crushing searchoftheday.com.

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