So Jurassic World came out recently, reminding the world that, hey, dinosaurs are pretty rad, aren't they? Like most people, I was kicked out of the theater halfway through the film while making dinosaur sounds and biting people, and this experience got me to thinking: How badass would it be if I had a dinosaur of my own? Would there be any downsides at all? Or would this be one of those things that people rue?
How hard would they rue?
To find out what would happen, I set to work with some graph paper, a set of VHS cassettes of ABC's hit comedy Dinosaurs, and a case of strong beer. Here's what I came up with.
(It turns out the ruing gets pretty bad.)
#8. Massive And Immediate Casualties
I'm not that smart of a guy. I mean, I think I'm smart, but that's usually a pretty sure sign of stupidity, and, sure, because I understand and admit that, perhaps I am actually smart, but on the other hand, I've kind of forgotten the point I was making earlier in this sentence, so let's say no. Dumb.
So when I get my dinosaur, which I'm imagining just shows up in my carport one day, there's no chance at all that I'll know what to do with him, much less keep him under control. Assuming this is a Tyrannosaurus rex, because honestly what's the point of imagining owning anything less, that means for the first few hours after taking possession of my new dinosaur, my neighborhood will be a pretty bad scene. People will be eaten, dogs will be eaten, mail service will be interrupted, and a whole host of other inconveniences will surely crop up. I have no doubt people will call the police, but I can't imagine response times will be too quick, because of one obvious problem.
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"... OH NO MY ENTIRE LEG IS ..."
"Sir, please stop calling. This line is for emergencies only."
Even once the police get around to us, they won't get too close, lacking all sorts of the procedures and equipment necessary for this situation. There will be some sort of escalation procedure they can use to get more help, but, again, I foresee delays in how quickly this gets rolled out.
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"... OH NO MY ENTIRE LEG IS ..."
"Mr. Mayor, this line is for emergencies only."
#7. Training Montage
Eventually, I'll get my dinosaur under control, using, oh ... let's say ... my pluck. And although the government and police and clergy will all be pretty upset with me, seeing as I'm the only one who can control this beast, they'll all agree that it's best to leave me in charge. A decision they'd surely reconsider with even the slightest of Googling.
Marcel Oosterwijk via Wikimedia Commons
"Gentlemen, it looks like we might be dealing with a Level 3 Idiot here."
The next few days and weeks will be heartwarming as all heck, as me and my new dinofriend learn about each other and what bits of raw meat we particularly enjoy. Expect some hilarious roars and wagging of fingers and chuckles at the sight of half a mailman on my front stoop. And finally, when all is said and done and the final chords of Push It To The Limit fade away, this terror from the past will look at me, flare his nostrils, then bend down for me to climb on his back. I will climb aboard, get raised into the air, punch the sky, and it will be marvelous.
#6. Carpool Lane Abuse
That first day commuting to work will be a bit of a disaster, when I find out that Tyrannosauruses aren't actually that fast. Realistic estimates of their top speed max out at about 25 miles per hour, which will be kind of a nuisance for everyone else on the freeway, particularly those in the HOV lane, where I'd naturally be, because honestly who would stop me?
"Hahahaha, nope, you carry right on."
And, sure, it'd be easy to move over to one of the other lanes, but the H in HOV does stand for "high," which I'd qualify for easily from elevation alone.
I'd also be pretty high on life, if we're honest.
#5. General Traffic Abuse
And, honestly, why stop there? You know who's going to give a Tyrannosaurus rex a parking ticket? No one, that's who. Every day at work, I'd leave my dinosaur chained up to a parking meter with a kiddie pool full of water and half a cow. Parking costs downtown are like 15 to 20 bucks a day, but not if you've got a damned dinosaur. Also not required? Turn signals, yielding, or stopping when other cars stop.
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"Hahahahha, nope, you carry right on."
And, sure, that will cause chaos wherever I go, and the morning radio will start providing updates on me specifically and my whereabouts that day (down to the farm for more cows, likely). But when you're four meters above traffic, laughing at the people below you and their lamentations about footprints and colossal turds on their hoods, it will all just sound so distant, you know?