You are going to die. We all are, and whether it's seconds from now or entire minutes, this inevitable fact of life is the one thing that binds us all together.
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Try it! Whisper, "You're going to die," to someone in an ATM line to remind them of your shared humanity.
I know a bit more about death than most, having spent many hours spying on doctors and magicians to learn their secrets. And because I desire only to educate and terrify, I'm going to share what I know with you below, in the form of a list of signs you're about to die. I invite you to print this list out and carry it around with you wherever you go, so that you might get your affairs quickly in order once your appointed time comes.
#21. Chest Pains
Chest pains are famously a sign of a heart attack, and that's probably your main worry here. But they're also indicative of stab wounds, gunshot wounds, and tiger attacks to the chest, any of which can reduce your chances of survival. If you feel chest pains, consult a doctor or zookeeper immediately.
#20. Your Life Flashes Before Your Eyes
If you begin to see past events of your life in great clarity, or experience a sudden slowdown in the passage of time, you're probably experiencing the time dilation effect commonly reported by those in incredible danger. Death or, at the very minimum, a tiger attack, is imminent.
#19. You Develop A Slight Cough
Anyone who has ever coughed in a movie has been dead by the end of it. And although that's only the movies, in a sense, aren't we all the protagonists of our own movies? A single cough is a pretty sure sign that time is running out for you. The good news is that, with nothing to lose, you're now more dangerous than ever, which is exactly what your foes in that drug cartel / spy agency / Congress won't be expecting.
#18. A Red Dot Flickers Across Your Chest
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This is a pretty sure sign that someone with a powerful firearm is strongly considering killing you. There's also the possibility this is a teenager with a laser pointer trying to annoy you -- though that also spells certain death for you, given that courts still do not acknowledge the uncontrollable murder-rage laser pointers can provoke. Once the authorities manage to dislodge your foot from the teen's rib cage, you will surely be sentenced to death.
#17. You Find Yourself Dangerously Close To Your Own Petard
"Petard" is the French word for a small demolition charge, and appears in the old saying, "hoist by your own petard," meaning to have your ass handed to you by your own weapon. Should you happen to find yourself in close proximity to any booby traps you set, robots you made sentient, or theme parks filled with escaped dinosaurs (that you helped escape) you're probably not long for this world.
#16. Someone Gives You The Kiss of Death
Most kisses are good and fun, but the Kiss of Death is not one of those. These are often delivered by older, Mediterranean gentlemen, and you can tell them apart from regular kisses because the sound the lips make is that sad trombone noise.
#15. A Creepy Child Tells You You're Going To Die
Children don't normally talk that knowledgeably about death, so if one tells you you're about to die -- say, while you're visiting a foggy town, or after appearing out of the shadows while you sleep -- you can be pretty confident that this child has some supernatural abilities, and knows something that you don't about a tiger attack or a Mediterranean gentleman.
#14. You're At An Abandoned Summer Camp
Think you're having a fun time with your friends at an abandoned summer camp, giving makeouts and lip-jobs to each other? Think again. You're about to be murdered, and the sad thing is, you know from your sinful ways that you kind of deserve it.
#13. You're About To Retire From The Force
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Police officers never retire from the force. They're either kicked off the force for playing by their own rules, or killed during their last week before retirement. Knowing this, most police officers who approach retirement age begin playing by their own rules to get kicked off the force and preserve their lives. If you're a sworn officer but have neglected to spend the last few years tampering with evidence, going too deep undercover, or kissing interrogation subjects full on the lips, it's already too late for you.
#12. The Perimeter Of Your Volcano Base Has Been Breached
Even though it's just the perimeter alarms, and you still have your elite Volcano Guardsman standing between you and the intruder, the plain fact of the matter is that 85 percent of all volcano base owners in this situation will die, typically following a lava-related quip or pun.
#11. You've Just Told Everyone You're Invincible
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The cruel Gods which watch over this world hate arrogance more than anything (though they're also not huge fans of volcano bases), and if you do anything as full of hubris as declare yourself invincible, or even just pretty durable, you can expect that a lightning bolt or swarm of Mediterranean gentlemen will kiss you down momentarily.