"If it exists, there's porn of it. No exceptions." -Rule 34
"Fascinating. Mind if we take notes?" -Sex toy industry
Everyone reading this has probably heard the saying: "Anything's a sex toy if you're brave enough." There are people who treat everyday objects as potential sex toys, stuffing things up their butts in numbers that have required poor medical researchers to write actual papers on objects doctors have found up folks.
But bring these brave, funny-walking people online, and they're suddenly just a part of a much, much bigger kink factory. As dictated by Rule 34, the Internet is able to create porn out of anything. And that's fine. It's no secret this great big sea of information is full of dark, slightly sticky islands that will cause the bravest of us to reach for our trusty bottle of brain bleach.
However, not all Rule 34 porn that should stay online stays online. Turns out, the sex toy industry has been peering over your shoulder as you write your Furby/Zombie Ronald McDonald fanfic, stolen all the juiciest parts, and turned them into terrifying things for people to fuck in their own homes.
Come, feast your eyes on the real-life manifestations of the darkest corners of the Internet, custom made to freak out your genitalia in a manner that is guaranteed to leave you in need of a shower. Of lye, possibly.
Note: As you can probably guess, all links from now on are NSFW as balls.
10Horror Movie Dongs and Vaginas
Fleshlight Freaks come from probably the most well-known company on this list, seeing as Fleshlight is to masturbation toys what Oreos are to sandwich cookies. Their horror-inspired freak toys started life as a one-off Halloween campaign a few years ago, but stuck around and became immensely popular, because of course they did. Based on popular movie monsters, they offer a chance to fuck the Bride of Frankenstein, a vampire (complete with bat-winged labia, naturally), a space robot thing, and a zombie.
Note that at least two of those things are technically corpses.
The newest addition to the line is the alien, a blue, triangular thing apparently based on the ThunderCat Smurfs from Avatar, despite the fact that in the movie their chosen method of fucking is ponytail rape.
Oh, and if for some reason you're not into stickin' it to latex reimaginations of murderous carcasses: the company offers female and male versions of each monster genitalia. You know, just in case you feel like owning a graphically decomposing zombie dick.
9A Goddamn Clown Vibrator
As we all know, nothing says "sexy time" like the friendly face of a clown, slowly approaching your nether regions accompanied by a buzzing sound.
No, wait. What I meant to say was "murder." Nothing screams "murder" like a clown about to go nuts on your fun parts.
Whoever made this fuckin' product must have taken a cue from all the cutesy dolphin and rabbit vibrators out there and gone for the nicest childhood image they could conjure. Unfortunately, they spent their childhood locked in a well, and their only memory from that time is that goddamn face, as it periodically hosed them with a giant squirting flower and whispered obscenities at them in the dark.
The clown vibrator is actually part of a series of cartoon-themed crotch ticklers, and somehow it isn't even the most unnerving one of them. That prize goes to the all-star baseball player:
Voted "most likely to come to life at night and murder you in your sleep" during his rookie season.
Note to aspiring sadists everywhere: it takes talent to make a sex toy with a "I could not care less about you" thousand-yard stare, but only a true master will then ask you to pleasure yourself with its hydrocephalus.