Product licensing is big business. If Disney couldn’t put every single princess they have on paper plates, party hats and topical ointment, how would any little girl have a birthday party ever again and how would Robert Iger afford another layer of solid gold on his lawn? Lord only knows. But sometimes, in the fervor to give the average consumer what they want, you get that one marketing whiz kid who just figures any product can be made fun and two months later you’ve got a whole aisle in Wal-Mart full of Woody Woodpecker herpes medication.
8Hello Kitty Pads
While I understand licensing your trademark for general use to be plastered over any and all products is a good way to make money and makes fans of your trademark happy, I like to think there should be some kind of non-godawful way to go about that. Sanrio, the good money-grubbing whores people who make Hello Kitty don’t agree. They just gots to get paid.
Hence, while you may find Bugs Bunny on a coffee mug or Mickey Mouse on a pair of underoos, you’ll find the blank, dead-eyed, insufferably cute stare of Hello Kitty, obscured behind a shield of mysterious lady things, on these Hello Kitty pads. I’m pretty sure I know what these are for, having seen some health film reels from the 1950s, and it's barely delightful in any sort of cartoony way.
Not to be outdone, of course, there’s still the infamous Hello Kitty vibrator. Sure, it’s just a shoulder massager. Every plastic wang that vibrates is just a shoulder massager.
8Hello Kitty Pads
For best results, apply directly to your crotch shoulder.Just to clarify though, pads are for when ladies drink too much and it makes their vaginas sweat, right?
Prince is awesome because every time some dude looked at that tiny man in a mauve suit and called him queer, he probably went home and banged an entire metric shit-ton of ass. Plus 1999 just gets more relevant with each passing year.
Back in the day, Prince had his own store in London because where else were people who wanted a little latex version of Prince wrapped around their junk going to buy his brand of condoms? Were they supposed to have sex using some kind of non-horrifying contraceptive or something? Pfft.
Almost as popular his line of “raspberry beret” hemorrhoid pillows.As it happens, in the 1990s, Prince marketed the hilariously named Purple Raincoats for guys who couldn't wait until after climax to make women regret having sex with them. The condoms came packaged in CD cases and featured Prince’s face right there on the outside, a constant reminder of not only why contraception was important, but that it was possible Prince touched that condom with his own hands and now, by the transitive properties of handjobs, was basically finger banging your girlfriend right now. This is what it sounds like when doves cry indeed.
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