My Brief Time as an Avatar on Pandora
Day 2: Trying Out Our Avatars
DR. AUGUSTINE
Welcome to Pandora, and meet your new avatars. Treat them well.
JAKE
This is amazing. And DOB, am I outta line here or do you suddenly get the feeling you can fuck anything?
DOB
"Suddenly"?
DR. AUGUSTINE
Alright you two, let's focus. You don't have too much time to get used to your Avatars. We leave tomorrow.
DOB
Huh. Sort of feels like the kind of thing I should receive training for, but, sure, OK.
JAKE
This feels so incredible, I feel alive.
DOB
Hey, what's this ponytail thing? It's [Rubs ponytail thing repeatedly] ... it's awesome.
DR. AUGUSTINE
Don't play with that or you'll go blind.
DOBWorth it.
JAKE
Can do, Dr. Augustine.
DOB
Hold up, so are you saying these things are, like, our junk? Just hanging out from the backs of our heads?
DR. AUGUSTINE
We're heading out early tomorrow, so make sure you get your rest.
DOB
Hey, I got a good one.
JAKE
Excuse me, but what are we doing when we get down there?
DOB
Hey guys.
DR. AUGUSTINE
"We"? As far as I'm concerned, we shouldn't be going down there at all.
DOB
You guys.
DR. AUGUSTINE
This is a science matter, we don't need any trigger-happy marines running around destroying the delicate ecosystem.
DOBPonytalia. That's what we can call it. Anyone come up with that yet?
JAKE
I don't want to be out there any more than you want me out there, Augustine, I'm only doing this because of my dead brother.
DOB
Because it's a dick.
DR. AUGUSTINE
Yeah, I lose one brilliant scientist and I get a couple of idiot marines, that's a fair trade.
JAKE
Actually, I'm the only Marine I have no idea who that other guy is.
[Beat, as the both turn to look at DOB.]
DOB
I also considered "Peenytail."
Day 2 (later): Meeting Colonel Quaritch
DOB and JAKE meet up with COLONEL QUARITCH, who has a series of terrifying giant face scars for no reason.
COLONEL QUARITCH
Jake, you're an accomplished marine. And you other guy, you can listen too, this concerns both of you.
JAKE
Yes, sir.
COLONEL QUARITCH
I want to make sure you're both on my side. You need to know what you're up against down there.
JAKE
Absolutely.
COLONEL QUARITCH
See these three giant scars on my face?
DOB
How could I possibly miss them?
COLONEL QUARITCH
They're a constant reminder of just what those beasts down there are capable of. Remember that. Doctors say I could easily have the scars removed with a quick surgery, but I kind of like 'em.
Jake
Sure.
DOB
What?
COLONEL QUARITCH
This way, I'll never forget what they can do when they feel threatened.
DOB
That can't be the best way to remember that.
COLONEL QUARITCH
Yep. Just a couple of giant, unsettling, clearly-infected face scars to remind me that I fucking hate aliens.Day 3: Landing on the Planet
DR. AUGUSTINE, NORM, JAKE and DOB are facing down a bunch of ENORMOUS RHINO BEARS with extra eyes and appendages that serve no clear function, evolutionarily speaking.
DR. AUGUSTINE
Well all need to make sure-
DOBHOLY FUCKING SHIT!
DR. AUGUSTINE
Quiet. Remain calm. Be careful and don't fire your weap-
[DOB fires several wild shots at the beasts.]
DR. AUGUSTINE
I said don't fire.
DOBAND I SAID DON'T SEND ME TO THE MONSTER PLANET, SHUT UP, what the fuck?!
[DOB fires a few more shots.]
NORM
This isn't part of the plan?
DOB
What is the plan? Why would you give us guns and stick us in a monster nest? I'm not- I mean, I am Internet funny-maker, and you gave me a rifle? [He SHOOTS SOME PLANTS.] Jake can't even walk, there's no way he was the best choice for a bodyguard.
[JAKE nods and starts firing wildly.]
DOB
My man. See what I mean?
NORM
They're not monsters, they're animals, and you're murdering them for no reason.
DOB
They're trying to kill us. Currently. That is happening.
NORM
They wouldn't bother us if man wasn't so destructive and violent, we-
[DOB shoots NORM in the leg.]
NORM
AAGGGHHHH!
DOB
Hahah. Fuck you. Yes.Day 6: Living With the Na'vi
After accidentally separating from their group, DOB and JAKE are forced to live with and learn from the Na'vi people.
DOB
Plant. Tree. Horse thing. Bird thing. Man, you guys have dick ports everywhere.
NEYTIRI
We'll teach you to live like our people, to experience the world as we do.
DOB
I'm OK.
NEYTIRI
I'm sorry?
JAKE
We're here to learn from these people, DOB. We want them to train us.
DOB
Dude, they're training us on bows and arrows. The only reason I wasn't already trained to use them years ago is because they're irrelevant in our society. I can seriously shoot you whenever I want. Whenever I want.
JAKE
But we have much to learn.
DOB
From these guys? Man, this is a species so simple that we built perfect replicas in our lab while they still haven't even figured out pants. Which, if I'm being honest, I'm actually OK with.
Day 11: Learning to Train Those Flying Dragon Monsters
NEYTIRI, DOB and JAKE surround one of those flying dragon monsters in an attempt to tame and ride them.
NEYTIRI
Once you corner it, you must link your tail with its tail.
JAKE
I understand.
DOB
I'm not doing this.
NEYTIRI
It will fight you, so be prepared. You will have to hold it down, subdue it and force it to bond with you. Then she will see you.
JAKE
Sounds like a challenge.
[JAKE finds a dragon monster he likes and tackles it. He holds it down on the ground as it struggles desperately to break free. He holds its mouth shut and straddles the beast, eventually forcing his ponytalia onto its ponytalia.]
JAKE
I've got her. I've got her.
NEYTIRI
Don't let her go, Jake.
DOB
No, no wait, hold on.
Neytiri
Let her see you, Jake.
DOB
Just one second, I think-
JAKE
Oh, it feels incredible.
Neytiri
You are becoming one.
DOB
This is rape.
Neytiri
Do you see her, Jake? Do you see her?
DOB
This is completely rape. Can anyone hear me?
[It's almost exactly like the rape scene in Irreversible.]
JAKE
I see her. I see her.
NEYTIRI
Now you are ready for our tree of souls. You can see our ancestors.
JAKE
What's that process like?
NEYTIRI
It is also largely forced-bonding-centric.
DOB
I no longer want to play Avatar...
Day 24: Revolution
The Na'vi people have all gathered around JAKE, who is leading them in a war against the humans, to save this piece of shit movie.
JAKE
The humans want to get rid of us, and use up all of our resources. They are raping our planet.
The Na'vi cheer.
DOB
What? You guys are the rape planet, you rape hello out here.
JAKE
And I say NO MORE. The rape of our planet will not continue.
DOB
You are currently sticking your dick in a tree.
Day 25: Victory
NEYTIRI
We did it! The humans left!
JAKE
Finally!
DOB
Yep. And they took all of their filthy technology and medicine and school systems with them. Hooray!... I'm fucking with you guys, this really blows.
JAKE
A hunt should take your mind off it.
DOB
We still hunt? Jesus, it's the future. Who hunts?
NEYTIRI
Our mother planet, Eywa, commands that-
DOB
You're the shittiest race ever.
NEYTIRI
I guess, but this whole planet is so beautiful and real that I don't even notice sometimes. I'm too distracted by the majesty and wonder of our planet, that I never really think about how sort of boring and pointless it all is, I suppose.
JAKE
Right?
Daniel O'Brien is James Cameron.
Poor DOB, no more porn tube for him......
Reply"They're trying to kill us. Currently. That is happening."
ReplyI was dying constantly till the end after that line.
Awesome article, didn't even bother to see it just another Pocahontas remake.
Reply"This is rape." Pure gold. But in all honesty, I enjoyed the movie because of the every-gamer's-wet-dream visuals and, y'know, pretty lights at night and what not. Yea, good stuff.
ReplyI enjoyed the movie, and because I read this before actually seeing the driector's cut version, the whole "peenytailia" made me laugh, even more and twice as hard. DOB, you have officially mastered the way of the funny, congratz guy.
ReplyThis article is classic!,just absolutely priceless!!
ReplyI was wondering about the Ponytail thing myself!Is this how the Na'vi have sexual relations?Now that being said (After seeing that so call "ALIEN SEX SCENE" in the rerelease of Avatar) I have to ask are they having sex with the animals too!?I'm so glad some one else caught on to this!! I, myself would like to see two real humanbeings going at it on Pandora for a change!! I hope they bring back Col.Quaritch back in the sequel and give him a female love intrest,so as not to forget what sex with a real man looks like!! I've seen enough "BLUE SEX" to last me from here to eternity!!!!
LOL!
I thought this was really funny and I actually personally enjoyed the movie
ReplyThe pictures in this had me laughing so harddd
I wanted everyone to die. Except maybe Norm. I think, that a back-up ship should have come, to bring them extra toilet paper or whatever, and got there during the big stupid battle. Then blown the whole planet the hell up and gone back home. I hate this movie.
ReplyI liked Avatar. Not the "well, that was one intelligent movie and I really enjoyed the elaborate plot", but more like "this feels so right..." Which is more important, I guess. Oh, and the ending had one flaw (which wasn't that the Na'vi suck). It was that they bought themselves a maximum of 50 years. until more humans arrive. Ten times more. With nukes.
ReplyIf the females have the ponytail tentacle too doesn't that mean that all the females also have dicks? So technically wouldn't that mean that all emales on that planet were hermaphrodites?
ReplySo the main character didn't just rape animals throughout that movie he also had sex with a he-she.
I prefer the term sausage surprise.
They have cones at the end, like Jakes monster.
This movie completely sucked and this was funny as hell. Dan you are the best writer on cracked, hands down.
Reply"I guess, but this whole planet is so beautiful and real that I don't even notice sometimes. I'm too distracted by the majesty and wonder of our planet, that I never really think about how sort of boring and pointless it all is, I suppose."
ReplyHell yeah, DOB, that one quote accurately describes Avatar!
"Avatar" was such a ridiculously overhyped movie. I honestly hope the second film deals with the humans nuking the s**t out of Pandora. They only lost one battle, and I'm sure they could easily slaughter the whole planet.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesAlso, the movie was basically "Pocahontas" with blue skin.
i agree. i too cannot wait for The Smurfs.
People don't believe me when I say "Pocahontas" with blue skin. At least someone else admitted than history (and Disney) got to this idea A LOT earlier.
I agree that it was Pocahontas with blue skin, but it's also Disney's Atlantis with more glowing blue stuff. I watched it a couple days after watching Avatar and it's EXACTLY. THE SAME. The main antagonist looks the same and is basically the same character as well. Plot's the same, the lead heroine is the same...
Funny how most Americans will have a stronger emotional reaction to and relationship with the characters in this movie than with the countless Native Americans who were slaughtered and had their lands stolen by force under (in some cases) somewhat similar (and sometimes much worse) circ*mstances. White Americans have become so indifferent to the past brutality on which their lives and history depend (necessarily, if they're to function within society) that you have to turn the Native Americans into blue aliens to trick them into having an emotional response to the story.
Of course people have stronger emotional reactions to Avatar than Native Americans. They're cat-people.
I cringed when the colonel held Jake up by the ponytail. That seemed so painful.
ReplyLooks like the colonel (and possibly Jake, judging by some of the scenes) is into S&M
thisn is one more bad dialog away from s**t
Replybut it is still 1000x funnier than gladstone
i call buls**t on the ending a bow and arrow takes down a helicopter giant robots can`t kill tigers one guy can take down the whole crew of a space shuttle i would take my chances with the human side how bout we just nuke the planet and then take their resources sounds like a plan lets get to it
ReplyI enjoyed all that punctuation bro.
It would have been a better movie if the humans had won.
ReplyAlso, more rape.
Thank you DOB. Thank you
ReplyAt last, the voice of sweet, sweet reason. Screw the Na'vi, let's get an Ion Cannon up in this b***h. Blow up the planet from orbit, scour Unobtanium from asteroid field, high five, and GO HOME.
If someone does 'comedy' by criticising, mocking and swearing, that just shows they don't know how to be funny. The film was great, honestly, if you wanna be funny do it right,not picking on perfectly good movies and looking for ways in which to make them appear crap when they're not.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesSeriously, DOB, it's like you didn't even READ your copy of The Indisputable Rules of Comedy.
"Perfectly good movie"!?
1) Bestiality rape tentacle ponytails
2) Gets half village killed, including spiritual leader and destroys oldest and holiest of trees (wich is basically the village) and makes up for all of it by taming a big bird.
3)Not just makes up for it but becomes their leader.
4) Cheesiest attempt at Braveheart speech.
"And your childrens children!"
5) Ponytail rape
6) Only one of those blue motherf**kers every thousand years or whatever thought of "Maybe if i try to catch the big bird by surprise from -behind- and not straight on!"!?
7) Those that did never thought to tell the others how.
8) Tentacle raping tree, then tentacle porn under tentaclerape-tree
9) "Unobtainium"!?
10) Also, tentacle ponytails
Seriously, are everyone so f**king easily distracted by colors that they don't know the difference from a good movie and bad?
Yes, Avatar was eye-candy well worth a movie ticket but with the same effects the original Star Wars trilogy used it would be the most laughable picture in history, and mind you, Star Wars did all-f**king-right with what was available at the time.
Or maybe people aren't that retarded, please, please tell me that MichaelIT is just James Camerons screen-name.
Good calls, all of them. At least some people understand that this is Academy-Award winning s**t.
Also, ponytailia rape.
600 million and their lead actor can't even fake an American accent.
Yeah, that sure was a good film....
You f**king idiot.
To be fair, we call any element that has yet to be classified as 'Unobtainium'. However...you think that since they use Unobtainium as STARSHIP FUEL, they would have come up with a name for it by now.
DOB, i love you. I want to have your babies.
Replydont we all?