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My Brief Time as an Avatar on Pandora

Day 2: Trying Out Our Avatars

DR. AUGUSTINE

Welcome to Pandora, and meet your new avatars. Treat them well.

JAKE

This is amazing. And DOB, am I outta line here or do you suddenly get the feeling you can fuck anything?

DOB

"Suddenly"?

DR. AUGUSTINE

Alright you two, let's focus. You don't have too much time to get used to your Avatars. We leave tomorrow.

DOB

Huh. Sort of feels like the kind of thing I should receive training for, but, sure, OK.

JAKE

This feels so incredible, I feel alive.

DOB

Hey, what's this ponytail thing? It's [Rubs ponytail thing repeatedly] ... it's awesome.

DR. AUGUSTINE

Don't play with that or you'll go blind.

DOBWorth it.

JAKE

Can do, Dr. Augustine.

DOB

Hold up, so are you saying these things are, like, our junk? Just hanging out from the backs of our heads?

DR. AUGUSTINE

We're heading out early tomorrow, so make sure you get your rest.

DOB

Hey, I got a good one.

JAKE

Excuse me, but what are we doing when we get down there?

DOB

Hey guys.

DR. AUGUSTINE

"We"? As far as I'm concerned, we shouldn't be going down there at all.

DOB

You guys.

DR. AUGUSTINE

This is a science matter, we don't need any trigger-happy marines running around destroying the delicate ecosystem.

DOBPonytalia. That's what we can call it. Anyone come up with that yet?

JAKE

I don't want to be out there any more than you want me out there, Augustine, I'm only doing this because of my dead brother.

DOB

Because it's a dick.

DR. AUGUSTINE

Yeah, I lose one brilliant scientist and I get a couple of idiot marines, that's a fair trade.

JAKE

Actually, I'm the only Marine I have no idea who that other guy is.

[Beat, as the both turn to look at DOB.]

DOB

I also considered "Peenytail."

Day 2 (later): Meeting Colonel Quaritch

DOB and JAKE meet up with COLONEL QUARITCH, who has a series of terrifying giant face scars for no reason.

COLONEL QUARITCH

Jake, you're an accomplished marine. And you other guy, you can listen too, this concerns both of you.

JAKE

Yes, sir.

COLONEL QUARITCH

I want to make sure you're both on my side. You need to know what you're up against down there.

JAKE

Absolutely.

COLONEL QUARITCH

See these three giant scars on my face?

DOB

How could I possibly miss them?

COLONEL QUARITCH

They're a constant reminder of just what those beasts down there are capable of. Remember that. Doctors say I could easily have the scars removed with a quick surgery, but I kind of like 'em.

Jake

Sure.

DOB

What?

COLONEL QUARITCH

This way, I'll never forget what they can do when they feel threatened.

DOB

That can't be the best way to remember that.

COLONEL QUARITCH

Yep. Just a couple of giant, unsettling, clearly-infected face scars to remind me that I fucking hate aliens.Day 3: Landing on the Planet

DR. AUGUSTINE, NORM, JAKE and DOB are facing down a bunch of ENORMOUS RHINO BEARS with extra eyes and appendages that serve no clear function, evolutionarily speaking.

DR. AUGUSTINE

Well all need to make sure-

DOBHOLY FUCKING SHIT!

DR. AUGUSTINE

Quiet. Remain calm. Be careful and don't fire your weap-

[DOB fires several wild shots at the beasts.]

DR. AUGUSTINE

I said don't fire.

DOBAND I SAID DON'T SEND ME TO THE MONSTER PLANET, SHUT UP, what the fuck?!

[DOB fires a few more shots.]

NORM

This isn't part of the plan?

DOB

What is the plan? Why would you give us guns and stick us in a monster nest? I'm not- I mean, I am Internet funny-maker, and you gave me a rifle? [He SHOOTS SOME PLANTS.] Jake can't even walk, there's no way he was the best choice for a bodyguard.

[JAKE nods and starts firing wildly.]

DOB

My man. See what I mean?

NORM

They're not monsters, they're animals, and you're murdering them for no reason.

DOB

They're trying to kill us. Currently. That is happening.

NORM

They wouldn't bother us if man wasn't so destructive and violent, we-

[DOB shoots NORM in the leg.]

NORM

AAGGGHHHH!

DOB

Hahah. Fuck you. Yes.Day 6: Living With the Na'vi

After accidentally separating from their group, DOB and JAKE are forced to live with and learn from the Na'vi people.

DOB

Plant. Tree. Horse thing. Bird thing. Man, you guys have dick ports everywhere.

NEYTIRI

We'll teach you to live like our people, to experience the world as we do.

DOB

I'm OK.

NEYTIRI

I'm sorry?

JAKE

We're here to learn from these people, DOB. We want them to train us.

DOB

Dude, they're training us on bows and arrows. The only reason I wasn't already trained to use them years ago is because they're irrelevant in our society. I can seriously shoot you whenever I want. Whenever I want.

JAKE

But we have much to learn.

DOB

From these guys? Man, this is a species so simple that we built perfect replicas in our lab while they still haven't even figured out pants. Which, if I'm being honest, I'm actually OK with.

Day 11: Learning to Train Those Flying Dragon Monsters

NEYTIRI, DOB and JAKE surround one of those flying dragon monsters in an attempt to tame and ride them.

NEYTIRI

Once you corner it, you must link your tail with its tail.

JAKE

I understand.

DOB

I'm not doing this.

NEYTIRI

It will fight you, so be prepared. You will have to hold it down, subdue it and force it to bond with you. Then she will see you.

JAKE

Sounds like a challenge.

[JAKE finds a dragon monster he likes and tackles it. He holds it down on the ground as it struggles desperately to break free. He holds its mouth shut and straddles the beast, eventually forcing his ponytalia onto its ponytalia.]

JAKE

I've got her. I've got her.

NEYTIRI

Don't let her go, Jake.

DOB

No, no wait, hold on.

Neytiri

Let her see you, Jake.

DOB

Just one second, I think-

JAKE

Oh, it feels incredible.

Neytiri

You are becoming one.

DOB

This is rape.

Neytiri

Do you see her, Jake? Do you see her?

DOB

This is completely rape. Can anyone hear me?

[It's almost exactly like the rape scene in Irreversible.]

JAKE

I see her. I see her.

NEYTIRI

Now you are ready for our tree of souls. You can see our ancestors.

JAKE

What's that process like?

NEYTIRI

It is also largely forced-bonding-centric.

DOB

I no longer want to play Avatar...

Day 24: Revolution

The Na'vi people have all gathered around JAKE, who is leading them in a war against the humans, to save this piece of shit movie.

JAKE

The humans want to get rid of us, and use up all of our resources. They are raping our planet.

The Na'vi cheer.

DOB

What? You guys are the rape planet, you rape hello out here.

JAKE

And I say NO MORE. The rape of our planet will not continue.

DOB

You are currently sticking your dick in a tree.

Day 25: Victory

NEYTIRI

We did it! The humans left!

JAKE

Finally!

DOB

Yep. And they took all of their filthy technology and medicine and school systems with them. Hooray!... I'm fucking with you guys, this really blows.

JAKE

A hunt should take your mind off it.

DOB

We still hunt? Jesus, it's the future. Who hunts?

NEYTIRI

Our mother planet, Eywa, commands that-

DOB

You're the shittiest race ever.

NEYTIRI

I guess, but this whole planet is so beautiful and real that I don't even notice sometimes. I'm too distracted by the majesty and wonder of our planet, that I never really think about how sort of boring and pointless it all is, I suppose.

JAKE

Right?


Daniel O'Brien is James Cameron.

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