DR. AUGUSTINE Welcome to Pandora, and meet your new avatars. Treat them well.
JAKE This is amazing. And… DOB, am I outta line here or do you suddenly get the feeling you can fuck anything?
DR. AUGUSTINE Alright you two, let's focus. You don't have too much time to get used to your Avatars. We leave tomorrow.
DOB Huh. Sort of feels like the kind of thing I should receive training for, but, sure, OK.
JAKE This feels so incredible, I feel alive.
DOB Hey, what's this ponytail thing? It's… [Rubs ponytail thing repeatedly] ... it's awesome.
DR. AUGUSTINE Don't play with that or you'll go blind.
DOB Worth it.
JAKE Can do, Dr. Augustine.
DOB Hold up, so are you saying these things are, like, our junk? Just… hanging out from the backs of our heads?
DR. AUGUSTINE We're heading out early tomorrow, so make sure you get your rest.
DOB Hey, I got a good one.
JAKE Excuse me, but what are we doing when we get down there?
DOB Hey guys.
DR. AUGUSTINE "We"? As far as I'm concerned, we shouldn't be going down there at all.
DOB You guys.
DR. AUGUSTINE This is a science matter, we don't need any trigger-happy marines running around destroying the delicate ecosystem.
DOB Ponytalia. That's what we can call it. Anyone come up with that yet?
JAKE I don't want to be out there any more than you want me out there, Augustine, I'm only doing this because of my dead brother.
DOB Because it's a dick.
DR. AUGUSTINE Yeah, I lose one brilliant scientist and I get a couple of idiot marines, that's a fair trade.
JAKE Actually, I'm the only Marine… I have no idea who that other guy is.
[Beat, as the both turn to look at DOB.]
DOB I also considered "Peenytail." Day 2 (later): Meeting Colonel Quaritch DOB and JAKE meet up with COLONEL QUARITCH, who has a series of terrifying giant face scars for no reason.
COLONEL QUARITCH Jake, you're an accomplished marine. And you… other guy, you can listen too, this concerns both of you.
JAKE Yes, sir.
COLONEL QUARITCH I want to make sure you're both on my side. You need to know what you're up against down there.
COLONEL QUARITCH See these three giant scars on my face?
DOB How could I possibly miss them?
COLONEL QUARITCH They're a constant reminder of just what those beasts down there are capable of. Remember that. Doctors say I could easily have the scars removed with a quick surgery, but I kind of like 'em.
COLONEL QUARITCH This way, I'll never forget what they can do when they feel threatened.
DOB That can't be the best way to remember that.
COLONEL QUARITCH Yep. Just a couple of giant, unsettling, clearly-infected face scars to remind me that I fucking hate aliens. Day 3: Landing on the Planet
DR. AUGUSTINE, NORM, JAKE and DOB are facing down a bunch of ENORMOUS RHINO BEARS with extra eyes and appendages that serve no clear function, evolutionarily speaking.
DR. AUGUSTINE Well all need to make sure-
DOB HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
DR. AUGUSTINE Quiet. Remain calm. Be careful and don't fire your weap-
[DOB fires several wild shots at the beasts.]
DR. AUGUSTINE I said don't fire.
DOB AND I SAID DON'T SEND ME TO THE MONSTER PLANET, SHUT UP, what the fuck?!
[DOB fires a few more shots.]
NORM This isn't part of the plan?
DOB What is the plan? Why would you give us guns and stick us in a monster nest? I'm not- I mean, I am Internet funny-maker, and you gave me a rifle? [He SHOOTS SOME PLANTS.] Jake can't even walk, there's no way he was the best choice for a bodyguard.
[JAKE nods and starts firing wildly.]
DOB My man. See what I mean?
NORM They're not monsters, they're animals, and you're murdering them for no reason.
DOB They're trying to kill us. Currently. That is happening.
NORM They wouldn't bother us if man wasn't so destructive and violent, we-
[DOB shoots NORM in the leg.]
DOB Hahah. Fuck you. Yes. Day 6: Living With the Na'vi
After accidentally separating from their group, DOB and JAKE are forced to live with and learn from the Na'vi people.
DOB Plant. Tree. Horse thing. Bird thing. Man, you guys have dick ports everywhere.
NEYTIRI We'll teach you to live like our people, to experience the world as we do.
DOB I'm OK.
NEYTIRI I'm… sorry?
JAKE We're here to learn from these people, DOB. We want them to train us.
DOB Dude, they're training us on bows and arrows. The only reason I wasn't already trained to use them years ago is because they're irrelevant in our society. I can seriously shoot you whenever I want. Whenever I want.
JAKE But we have much to learn.
DOB From these guys? Man, this is a species so simple that we built perfect replicas in our lab while they still haven't even figured out pants. Which, if I'm being honest, I'm actually OK with. Day 11: Learning to Train Those Flying Dragon Monsters
NEYTIRI, DOB and JAKE surround one of those flying dragon monsters in an attempt to tame and ride them.
NEYTIRI Once you corner it, you must link your tail with its tail.
JAKE I understand. DOB I'm not doing this.
NEYTIRI It will fight you, so be prepared. You will have to hold it down, subdue it and force it to bond with you. Then she will see you.
JAKE Sounds like a challenge.
[JAKE finds a dragon monster he likes and tackles it. He holds it down on the ground as it struggles desperately to break free. He holds its mouth shut and straddles the beast, eventually forcing his ponytalia onto its ponytalia.]
JAKE I've got her. I've got her.
NEYTIRI Don't let her go, Jake.
DOB No, no wait, hold on.
Neytiri Let her see you, Jake.
DOB Just one second, I think-
JAKE Oh, it feels incredible.
Neytiri You are becoming one.
DOB This is rape.
Neytiri Do you see her, Jake? Do you see her?
DOB This is completely rape. Can anyone hear me?
[It's almost exactly like the rape scene in Irreversible.]
JAKE I see her. I see her.
NEYTIRI Now you are ready for our tree of souls. You can see our ancestors.
JAKE What's that process like?
NEYTIRI It is also largely forced-bonding-centric.
DOB I no longer want to play Avatar...Day 24: Revolution The Na'vi people have all gathered around JAKE, who is leading them in a war against the humans, to save this piece of shit movie.
JAKE The humans want to get rid of us, and use up all of our resources. They are raping our planet.
The Na'vi cheer.
DOB What? You guys are the rape planet, you rape hello out here.
JAKE And I say NO MORE. The rape of our planet will not continue.
DOB You are currently sticking your dick in a tree. Day 25: Victory
NEYTIRI We did it! The humans left!
DOB Yep. And they took all of their filthy technology and medicine and school systems with them. Hooray!... I'm fucking with you guys, this really blows.
JAKE A hunt should take your mind off it.
DOB We still hunt? Jesus, it's the future. Who hunts?
NEYTIRI Our mother planet, Eywa, commands that-
DOB You're the shittiest race ever.
NEYTIRI I guess, but this whole planet is so beautiful and real that I don't even notice sometimes. I'm too distracted by the majesty and wonder of our planet, that I never really think about how sort of boring and pointless it all is, I suppose.
Daniel O'Brien is James Cameron.