Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

Watching video games try to be sexy is like watching a dog try to eat peanut butter. There's clearly a lot of enthusiasm there, but the result is simultaneously hilarious and sad. As we've shown you before, video game developers, restrained by the limits of technology and their own apparent lack of carnal knowledge, often shoot for titillating and end up in very weird places.

These are the scenes that have you lunging for the mute button, hoping no one overhears them and then walks in to see ...

Alpha Protocol -- The Spy Who Sexually Assaulted Me

Obsidian Entertainment

In Alpha Protocol, you play as Michael Thorton, who's basically a cross between James Bond and Jason Bourne. And as in any suave spy story, the universe is full of smoking hot ladies who seem torn on whether they should slit your throat or ride your boner. Sure, they have their missions to fulfill ... but they just can't resist the magnetic pull of The D. We could spend years digging into the psychology of this particular sexual fantasy, but that's for another time.

In this game, the femme fatale is SIE, who embodies pretty much every stereotype about German women -- she's muscular, she's aggressive, she has a ludicrous accent, and she likes killing. Late in the game, we find Michael tied to a bed in a facility run by the bad guys, utterly helpless. If you've played your cards wrong (or right, depending on what you're into) SIE will wander in, and Michael is not enthused by her appearance, as if he somehow doesn't know where this is going.

Obsidian Entertainment
"Here to torture me?" isn't really a classic pickup line.

SIE takes the opportunity to declare a "certain fondness" for you, because in a video game, this is the perfect time and place to express such sentiments. Her dialogue gets increasingly suggestive, and if you make the right conversation choices, she says, "I will let you go ... in a moment," before dropping her pants, to which Michael groans in dismay.

Obsidian Entertainment
"Could you at least take the sunglasses off?"

At that point, she straight up mounts Mr. Thorton, who has the choice between saying "No Way In Hell" or the less-than-enthusiastic, "Might As Well." So there's a "consent" option, but even that is dubious, considering her response is, "I thought I would have to work hard for this," which prompts the reply, "You would, if I wasn't tied down." Note that this is said while she reaches down to grab his/your unwilling erection.

Obsidian Entertainment
"Also, could you move my gurney to a room that doesn't have a ton of windows before we do this? No? Okay, whatever."

Then, after one party has presumably achieved orgasm, the first thing out of Michael's mouth is the decidedly unsexy "Okay, now can you let me go?"

To be fair, she does back off if you tell her to. But considering that she appears to be your only way out of an otherwise deadly situation, telling the aggressive and violent German lady with a giant gun "no" is a little bit different than telling your girlfriend you have a headache. Or, even better, imagine the exact same scene with the genders reversed, including the part where the armed male soldier reaches into the female captive's pants to see how aroused she is. It seems like that might possibly have generated some complaints.

Instead, letting SIE get what she wants is a requirement for two of the game's achievements. Remember, kids: "Yes, but only because you might leave me to die otherwise" means "No."

Shadows of the Damned -- Walk Across Your Gigantic, Half-Naked Girlfriend

Electronic Arts

Shadows of The Damned is a horror-comedy shooter where you play as a badass Latino gunman named Garcia Hotspur. He's forced to venture into the deepest, darkest depths of Hell to rescue his beloved girlfriend, Paula, from a powerful demon named Fleming. To give you a sense of the game's tone, one of Garcia's guns is called The Big Boner.

Electronic Arts
And he calls his boner "Garcia Kalashnikov."

The whole game is drenched in blood, boobs, and juvenile humor, and right when you think you've gotten used to it, the eye candy that lurks in the background cranks up to 11.

Electronic Arts
"While my max is 3 and 1/2. Just being honest."

That enormous, half-naked lady swaying provocatively in the distance is a sexed-up, lurid doppelganger of Garcia's sweetheart, created by Fleming to mess with your head. The further you progress through this erotic nexus, the more sensual her performance gets, until she lays down in front of you and you're forced to use her body as a bridge.

Electronic Arts
Welcome to Twin Peaks.

And she's moaning erotically the whole time, in case you thought you'd be able to play through this section without anyone walking in and judging you. Parents, significant others, children -- there's no one who won't see you walking on a giant crotch and not think a little bit less of you.

Electronic Arts
"If I can see farther than you, it's because I'm standing on the genitals of giants."

Station yourself atop Mt. Nipple and you'll get a front row seat to Paula sensually sucking her own fingers before gently wiping the saliva from her lips, and we suddenly feel the need to call our mothers and apologize for writing this sentence.

Electronic Arts
"Put down that Shades book and hug me, Mom!"

Now, the game doesn't force you to linger and revel in all this madness. If you so choose, you can dash right over enorma-Paula as quickly as possible to get to the next area ... which also contains a gigantic girlfriend writhing around in sexual bliss that you need to traverse.

Electronic Arts
"I'm not sure which circle of Hell this is, but it's definitely the weirdest."

But we're thankful the developers refrained from turning her asshole into some sort of pitfall.

Electronic Arts
Crap, we think we just wrote Shadows of the Damned 2.

Continue Reading Below

Prince of Persia: Warrior Within -- Meet the Villain's Ass


Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time was praised for its witty, lighthearted tone. So naturally, the developers decided to make the sequel, Warrior Within, dark and gritty (at least, as those concepts are understood by a 13-year-old). More blood was spilled, more moods were brooding, and more ladies wore less clothing.

Now, it's common in video games for female warriors to stride into battle wearing armor that is 60-80 percent bare skin, and breast plates that are perfectly sculpted to lift and separate the boobs. But this game features one of the all-time most ridiculous examples with the attempt at a badass/sexy introduction of the antagonist, Shahdee. The scene begins with the Prince's ship getting caught in a storm, torrential rain pelting down on the hero and his crew of swashbucklers.

Buckles, at this point, still tightly swashed.

An enemy ship comes up alongside their's, and warriors on both sides brace themselves for battle.

Waving their swords like a dairy farmer.

Suddenly, the music changes from a somber piece emphasizing the horrors of war to a saucy little twang that would be more at home in an '80s porno, and the threatening shots of bloodthirsty men are replaced with a close-up of a woman's ass as she sloooowly makes her way up a flight of stairs:

That thong is going totally going to rust.

The scene lingers for an uncomfortable seven seconds, and that's your introduction to the villain, who looks like she wandered off the set of Dungeons and Dickings. It's an outfit that would be absurd at the best of times, because we're guessing that steel thongs chafe a little, but it's made all the more baffling by the fact that she's walking into a freezing storm. It's like if the Allies had stormed Normandy in shrunken Speedos. And if you're wondering if she looks any less silly from the front, the answer is, of course, no.

If she turns too fast, both boobs will pop out

In a fight, it would actually be difficult for an opponent to hit her in one of the armored spots -- if your spear catchers her on an iron-clad nipple, it will slide right off and plunge into her heart. She caresses each of her allies as she walks forward, by the way, in case it wasn't clear that she's sexy and sensual.

Or maybe she's just really into that one guy.

Everyone on both ships stops their manly posturing when Shahdee emerges, and while the game is trying to make us think that's because they're in awe of her hot badassery, we're pretty sure they're all mentally taking bets on whether she'll be killed eight seconds into the fight or die of hypothermia an hour later.

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door -- A Perverted Computer Spies on Peach


The Thousand Year Door is a cute RPG about Mario and his friends fighting to save the world from an evil alien army called the X-Nauts. It's like the Mushroom Kingdom's Independence Day. The entire game is animated to make the world look like a bunch of two-dimensional paper cutouts, so you'd assume that this is the last place where you would find inappropriate curves.

You'd be wrong.

At various intervals, you get to control everyone's favorite pretty-in-pink damsel in distress, Princess Peach, who has yet again been kidnapped. But this time, she's not content to wait for rescue, so she sleuths around the enormous enemy base she's stuck on. Most of the doors are locked because, you know, prison. But you can stroll into a bathroom that comes complete with a surprisingly nice bathtub and shower, because while the X-Nauts are evil, they're not dicks about it. And with nothing better to do, Peach figures she may as well take advantage of the facilities.

No, not the toilet. She only uses that in the Japanese original.

When she's finished, Peach discovers that one other door is now unlocked. It leads her straight to the home of TEC, the supercomputer that runs the base and is keeping an eye on Peach. She's naturally curious about why he led her to him. He says:

"I experienced stack overflow, if you know what I mean."

That is, watching her in the shower gave him an e-boner. And here we begin what would be an adorable, sexually awkward subplot in a normal game, but in the cartoonish world of Mario, it comes off as weird.

Despite the creepy implications of TEC watching Peach's every move, the innocent Princess befriends the machine. Peach teaches TEC about life and love, while TEC helps Peach sneak into secure parts of the base. Finally, the pair concoct an invisibility potion so Peach can get into the captain's office. But there's one small problem ...

"But ... every other potion in these games works on clothes!"

That's the second time the computer who's obsessed with Peach lures her into a scenario that requires her to take her clothes off. Something's not right, but the ingenue Princess agrees.

"How come Mario never has to put up with this crap?"

At that point, you find yourself controlling nothing but a shadow. Peach comments that the plan seems needlessly complicated, to which TEC basically replies "Yeah, whatever" before going back to trying to figure out a way for a computer to masturbate.

Sure, it's not like TEC can see her either, but the mere idea is enough for some perverts. Also, when she returns and asks for instructions on how to become visible again, he "forgets" to include the key "first put your clothes back on" step. Unfortunately for PERV-9000, Peach remembers, forcing TEC back to his royal nudity drawing board. Though, he is a computer, so he can presumably just replay the clip of her showering from his own memory banks. Over and over again, forever.

Continue Reading Below

Duke Nukem Forever -- The Holsom Twins Get Ravaged by Aliens

2K Games

Duke Nukem Forever tries to straddle the line between mocking sexist action movie tropes and using those tropes to sell copies to young males. The main character is a clearly a parody of '80s action movie meatheads, but also wants you to think being one is awesome.

That brings us to two of the game's recurring characters, a pair of sexed-up twin sisters named Mary and Kate Holsom, an obvious Olson twins reference that should give you an idea of how painfully dated this game's sense of humor was.

2K Games
They spend half the game talking about the Macarena and Bob Dole.

On every occasion you encounter the twins, they make a bunch of predictable and lame suggestive comments and swoon over Duke's manhood. It's dumb, but there's nothing terribly offensive about it until you start shooting through an alien nest aboard a gigantic spaceship. Then things take an abrupt swerve from Juvenile Junction into Downright Disturbing Drive, as if halfway through the game, the developers lost sight of their ironic joke about sexist character types and suddenly found themselves lost in a very dark place. As you explore the slimy, alien-infested bowels of the ship, you'll discover dozens of half-naked women tethered to the walls and ceiling.

2K Games
"Carpets matching the drapes jokes weren't meant to be literal, assholes."

Most are either moaning or sobbing, and the closest you can come to helping them is shooting them to put them out of their misery. It's similar to the sexual subtext of Alien, except the text is now blinking 48-point neon Comic Sans, and couldn't have missed the point harder if it had a map to where the point wasn't. Sure enough, you discover that Mary and Kate are among the prisoners, and the apparatus they're attached to is doing a lot more than holding them in place.

2K Games
It took a decade and a half to make this game.

If the sheer morbidity of the visuals wasn't enough to trigger your gag reflex, the insipid dialogue spouted by the two sex slave sisters surely will be. After Duke comments that it "looks like you're fucked," because hurr hurr, puns, they apologize to Duke for their appearance and promise that they'll lose their pregnancy weight. Which they do, by giving birth to monsters in a violent explosion.

2K Games
Eerily reminiscent of that one time on Full House.

In other words, not only do they get raped by aliens, but they are apologizing to a man for the fact that the resulting unwanted pregnancy means they're no longer attractive enough to sleep with him. And then they die.

And somewhere, there is a whole room full of dudes who wrote that scene, recorded the dialogue, came up with the concept art, programmed it into the game, play tested it, and at every single stage nodded and said, "Yes, that is a good moment of comic relief. It will lighten the mood in the middle of that battle. And let us never, ever ask ourselves what kind of person would find that funny, or what attitudes would cause them to laugh at that moment. For dwelling on such things will cause us all to sink into a deep pit of depression from which we will never emerge."

The House of the Dead: Overkill -- The Villain Returns to the (Giant, Deformed) Womb


House of the Dead: Overkill is a rail shooter in which you mow down hordes of zombies. Inspired by grindhouse films, there are massive doses of the six B's: bodies, bloodshed, bad language, boobs, badasses, and bromance.

By the time you've fought your way to the prison that serves as the game's final stage, having left behind a trail of festering corpses long enough to reach halfway around the Earth, it's revealed that the villain behind all the undead mayhem is a freaky prison warden/mad scientist named Clement Darling. Clement explains that the goal of his experiments was to save his elderly mother's life. In some games, that would be a plot twist to muddle the morality. In Overkill, it's an excuse to put her brain into the body of your hot stripper love interest so they can take their incestuous relationship to the next level.

Typical shallow man. He should have made out his mother before she got the stripper bod.

Unfortunately, the transplant goes awry, and Mrs. Darling mutates into a hideous, gigantic abomination that's hellbent on stomping your sorry ass so hard they won't have to bother digging a grave.

We suddenly no longer feel the urge to call Mom.

So for the duration of the fight, enjoy feasting your eyes on her enormous, sagging monster breasts and a tongue that will forever ruin kissing for you. And that's when she's not squatting down to birth zombies through some sort of ... tube.

We're, like, 65 percent sure that's not how vaginas work.

Once you've put down the enraged senior citizen, Clement sobs over both her loss and his guilt for all the horror he unleashed. Missing his mother to the extreme, he decides he's had it with this life and opts to return to the womb. And, well, there's really only one way in.

And no way out.

As a reward for saving the world, you're treated to a brief shot of Clement getting down on his knees and crawling directly into the cavernous, slimy and decayed vagina of his dead mutant mother. Thankfully, you aren't subjected to a direct shot, but the disgusting gooey sound effects get the point across more than sufficiently. Faced with such a repulsive act, our profane protagonists look briefly shocked before sitting down to discuss the irony of them not calling Clement a motherfucker when they had the chance. And that is when your realize that the entire game, from start to finish, exists purely to set up that joke. We're not sure if we should be impressed or terrified.

For more awkward moments of sex, check out The 5 Creepiest Sex Scenes in Comics and 6 Video Game Sex Scenes That Will Give You Nightmares.

Got that skin-crawly feeling? Spread it to some friends by clicking the Facebook 'share' button below.

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments