Watching video games try to be sexy is like watching a dog try to eat peanut butter. There's clearly a lot of enthusiasm there, but the result is simultaneously hilarious and sad. As we've shown you before, video game developers, restrained by the limits of technology and their own apparent lack of carnal knowledge, often shoot for titillating and end up in very weird places.
These are the scenes that have you lunging for the mute button, hoping no one overhears them and then walks in to see ...
6Alpha Protocol -- The Spy Who Sexually Assaulted Me
In Alpha Protocol, you play as Michael Thorton, who's basically a cross between James Bond and Jason Bourne. And as in any suave spy story, the universe is full of smoking hot ladies who seem torn on whether they should slit your throat or ride your boner. Sure, they have their missions to fulfill ... but they just can't resist the magnetic pull of The D. We could spend years digging into the psychology of this particular sexual fantasy, but that's for another time.
In this game, the femme fatale is SIE, who embodies pretty much every stereotype about German women -- she's muscular, she's aggressive, she has a ludicrous accent, and she likes killing. Late in the game, we find Michael tied to a bed in a facility run by the bad guys, utterly helpless. If you've played your cards wrong (or right, depending on what you're into) SIE will wander in, and Michael is not enthused by her appearance, as if he somehow doesn't know where this is going.
"Here to torture me?" isn't really a classic pickup line.
SIE takes the opportunity to declare a "certain fondness" for you, because in a video game, this is the perfect time and place to express such sentiments. Her dialogue gets increasingly suggestive, and if you make the right conversation choices, she says, "I will let you go ... in a moment," before dropping her pants, to which Michael groans in dismay.
"Could you at least take the sunglasses off?"
At that point, she straight up mounts Mr. Thorton, who has the choice between saying "No Way In Hell" or the less-than-enthusiastic, "Might As Well." So there's a "consent" option, but even that is dubious, considering her response is, "I thought I would have to work hard for this," which prompts the reply, "You would, if I wasn't tied down." Note that this is said while she reaches down to grab his/your unwilling erection.
"Also, could you move my gurney to a room that doesn't have a ton of windows before we do this? No? Okay, whatever."
Then, after one party has presumably achieved orgasm, the first thing out of Michael's mouth is the decidedly unsexy "Okay, now can you let me go?"
To be fair, she does back off if you tell her to. But considering that she appears to be your only way out of an otherwise deadly situation, telling the aggressive and violent German lady with a giant gun "no" is a little bit different than telling your girlfriend you have a headache. Or, even better, imagine the exact same scene with the genders reversed, including the part where the armed male soldier reaches into the female captive's pants to see how aroused she is. It seems like that might possibly have generated some complaints.
Instead, letting SIE get what she wants is a requirement for two of the game's achievements. Remember, kids: "Yes, but only because you might leave me to die otherwise" means "No."
5Shadows of the Damned -- Walk Across Your Gigantic, Half-Naked Girlfriend
Shadows of The Damned is a horror-comedy shooter where you play as a badass Latino gunman named Garcia Hotspur. He's forced to venture into the deepest, darkest depths of Hell to rescue his beloved girlfriend, Paula, from a powerful demon named Fleming. To give you a sense of the game's tone, one of Garcia's guns is called The Big Boner.
And he calls his boner "Garcia Kalashnikov."
The whole game is drenched in blood, boobs, and juvenile humor, and right when you think you've gotten used to it, the eye candy that lurks in the background cranks up to 11.
"While my max is 3 and 1/2. Just being honest."
That enormous, half-naked lady swaying provocatively in the distance is a sexed-up, lurid doppelganger of Garcia's sweetheart, created by Fleming to mess with your head. The further you progress through this erotic nexus, the more sensual her performance gets, until she lays down in front of you and you're forced to use her body as a bridge.
Welcome to Twin Peaks.
And she's moaning erotically the whole time, in case you thought you'd be able to play through this section without anyone walking in and judging you. Parents, significant others, children -- there's no one who won't see you walking on a giant crotch and not think a little bit less of you.
"If I can see farther than you, it's because I'm standing on the genitals of giants."
Station yourself atop Mt. Nipple and you'll get a front row seat to Paula sensually sucking her own fingers before gently wiping the saliva from her lips, and we suddenly feel the need to call our mothers and apologize for writing this sentence.
"Put down that Shades book and hug me, Mom!"
Now, the game doesn't force you to linger and revel in all this madness. If you so choose, you can dash right over enorma-Paula as quickly as possible to get to the next area ... which also contains a gigantic girlfriend writhing around in sexual bliss that you need to traverse.
"I'm not sure which circle of Hell this is, but it's definitely the weirdest."
But we're thankful the developers refrained from turning her asshole into some sort of pitfall.
Crap, we think we just wrote Shadows of the Damned 2.