Video games and sex have had a long and uncomfortable relationship. From General Custer and his six-pixels-long Atari boner to the tradition of female characters wearing outfits that would be better suited for a strip club than the battlefield, gaming's never quite gotten a hold on the whole sex thing.
Some games have tried to address the subject head on, only to end up making things worse. Whether their detailed sex scenes are intended to titillate or add important character development, they all wind up being somewhere between hilarious and terrifying. Like ...
6 Ride to Hell: Retribution -- Hellish Mannequin Sex
There's a whole lot to hate about Ride to Hell: Retribution, already considered one of the worst games ever made. But the sex scenes in this biker revenge tale almost defy human language, unless you consider incoherent screams of revulsion to be language.
"You know what always turns me on? Ludacris hands." -game designers
Early in the game you can fight a thug harassing a prostitute, and as soon as you knock the guy out, and without any type of transition, the game cuts to a porno groove and a scene of you banging the damsel in distress. It's simply assumed that she would open her legs for you after that, but, you know, that's video games for you. It's only a few seconds into the sex that you realize that someone forgot to animate the characters' faces while they're doing it, resulting in this haunting abomination:
Whatever the opposite of the uncanny valley is called, this is it.
Seriously, did the budget run out while they were making this part? Because they look like they're in a horror reboot of the movie Mannequin.
Luckily the porno groove drowns out the soft flesh-slapping sounds.
Later, after you rescue-fuck a random hooker, you're tasked with tracking down a key. You find out the key is held by a flirty mechanic's ex-husband, so you go beat the shit out of him. The mechanic is so impressed by your ability to dole out unnecessary violence that she immediately comes on to you with a lame line about how she can do a lot more than just start an engine.
And yet operating a simple toothbrush is too complicated.
So you get down and literally dirty in her ex's filthy bed, presumably while the man's unconscious body lies sprawled out nearby. But then, instead of anything vaguely recognizable as sexual arousal, the woman is shown with an expression that looks somewhere between religious fervor, screaming in terror, and letting out a massive turd.
Which is also the same face made by anyone playing this game.
By the way, she's sitting on top of you at this point. Here, let's see it in action!
Apparently her coveralls have an emergency sex hole just for situations like this.