5 Ways Video Games Are About to Get Way More F#@kable

As Grandma always said, "The only drawback to fucking is the humans." That's why pretty much every horny, lonely person on earth has wished at some point for a convincing sex simulation, a realistic experience with no strings attached after they turn off the power.

Uh, yeah, here's the thing: The tech exists right now. I'm not talking about bullshit Japanese titty games, either. I'm saying the hardware exists for a full-immersion virtual boning session engaging all five senses. Most of it you can get off the shelf. A proactive hacker/pervert could write software to make it happen by the end of the month.

Here, let me walk you through it ...

We've all been there in the real world. It's the beginning of the night, you're feeling confident and you decide you're going to bed with someone even a sober person would call "hot." You'll not settle for less! At 6:15, you lower your goals to "cute, or at least no major deformities." Around last call, you're pretty sure you may have just dry humped an alley cat. At 3 a.m., it's again just you and Internet porn.

And back-of-the-fridge booze.

This is where technology comes in.

The first thing porn doesn't offer you is context, the thrill of meeting the girl and realizing she's into some casual, nasty sex. That's where the technology behind the XBox Kinect could work its magic.

Don't get me wrong, the high-tech wank potential of the Kinect was apparent about five seconds into the first demonstration of the device. Sex game developers have created crude "use your Kinect to grab the rendered titty" games ...

... but that's really missing the point, which is the many aspects of a fantasy the Kinect can bring to life.

Because real women apparently don't cotton to, "Hold still while I pet your butt like a dog.

After all, the device can not only make you look like a flailing imbecile by translating your movements into a video game, but can recognize you by both your face and your voice. So already it has the horsepower to put your dream girl on screen, make her look you in the eye (by tracking your head movements), respond to voice commands and call you by name (or rather, the name you told her, i.e., Rodd Thrashcock). The hardware is right there, all it takes to get the ball rolling is a programmer and an adviser to explain to him what sex is. There is no reason in the world your Xbox girl can't respond to your request to "get on all fours" or "now be Boba Fett."

Of course, it can only see the position of your body. It's not like the virtual girl can somehow detect how horny you are. But the Mindflex can.

There's nothing kids love more than having their minds violated.

It's a simple toy meant for kids, available at any department store, in which the player levitates a foam ball on a movable fan and attempts to navigate it through an obstacle course -- controlled entirely by their mind. The input device is a small headset that measures your brainwaves. It can't read your mind, it just measures how much activity is going on, and how much you're concentrating on the task. So the technology exists, off the shelf, to give us a virtual girl who knows how worked up you're getting.

From there it doesn't seem like it would take too much time in a room full of developers, under the pressuring eyes of a million horny gamers, to take this from "make the fan blow harder" to "make the virtual girl get over here and lick my situation."

"Stare headlong into the abyss of your impending cock-filled demise. But first, could you move over just a tad? My leg is cramping."

We're just getting warmed up here.

Some of you are already asking, "Yeah, but what about the uncanny valley?" You know, the frozen-faced, dead-eyed, boner-killing look we get from in-game characters due to the technology's inability to render facial expressions correctly. The only way they'd make a virtual girl who looks like a real one is if they claim it's supposed to be Cher.

If you're asking that, you missed the news about the jaw-dropping facial expression technology Rockstar Games has created for the upcoming L.A. Noir.

It's something that both gamers and developers didn't actually think was possible in the foreseeable future, but holy shit, if it isn't finally happening right now. So our virtual, mind-reading girl (who looks you in the eye, knows your name and how aroused you are) can also return human-like facial expressions. A genuine smile, a devilish grin, a convincing look of surprise at how unexpectedly huge your junk is. This is getting creepily close to giving us a girl the sex part of our brain will mistake for real.

"... an actual girl."

Oh, hey, don't forget we can make her 3D, too. And if 3D glasses are too annoying for you to maintain an erection, you won't have to wait long. The "3D image without glasses" thing will start with Nintendo's new portable 3DS but full sized glasses-free displays are being developed by multiple companies. How it works is "we don't fucking care."

So now we're up to a 3D girl, flirting with us and sending nonverbal signals that millions of years of evolution have taught our bodies to respond to with cock juices. Depending on who you're slinging your sex at, that could be either the sexiest or the creepiest thing we can imagine.

"Muuuuuuuuhhhh ..."

Yeah, but you still can't touch her, right? So far this is all just enhancing our boring old porn to make it a little more lifelike. When do you get a virtual boob you can actually grab?

Keep reading ...

A company called Novint developed a device that not only provides three-dimensional control, but also allows you to feel the texture of objects within the game.

Bioware is about to make a lot of money.

Any shaped handle can be attached to one end, and it is in turn attached to three motorized arms that update their movement or resistance 1,000 times a second. What that means for you is that it can perfectly simulate textures under your hand. Grab a rock in the game, and you feel something hard and heavy in your hand. Grab some Jello and it feels like Jello.

Grab a toned thigh and it will feel like a thigh.

The feeling of shame requires no controller.

If you're disappointed that it only gets your hands involved in the boob grabbing, ForceTek XIO has come out with a ridiculous looking force feedback system that covers you from bicep to palm. Now, when you slap that ass, your arm stops where it should. When you flip your partner over, you can feel their actual weight. And when you bury the body, you can experience the real resistance of the shovel as it tears through dirt.

And then beat the crap out of her enraged boyfriend.

Of course, we still have some other senses to incorporate ...