When you talk about erotic fan fiction, the word "erotic" tends to be redundant, because most people have no idea that any other kind of fan fiction exists. We've already talked about how brain-ticklingly insane some of these stories can get, but because the goal of the Internet is to boldly explore the furthest horizons of damnable madness, here are six more challenging pieces of fan fiction you can use to ruin any pleasant memories you might have had of the characters involved.
#6. Barack Obama Has Unicorn Sex With Princess Celestia from My Little Pony
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The story opens with U.S. president Barack Obama strolling out into the White House garden to masturbate with a bottle of beer and somehow missing the opportunity to make the "stimulus package" joke that all of us were expecting:
One hand under his head, he slowly begins stroking his penis. (...) he takes the cold beer bottle and places it sideways under his balls, letting the cool condensation seep into his sack.
Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images
Presidential historians call this "Coolidging."
Yes, we literally meant "masturbate with a bottle of beer," not that he was merely holding one while masturbating. You're in the world of erotic fan fiction now, this is how we roll. So anyway, at this point a majestic unicorn suddenly alights in the garden, prances over to the masturbating Obama, and starts giving him a blow job. Truly there has never been a more firm assurance that we are in the land of fantastical make-believe than that sentence.
Where It Gets Really Weird:
Still in his stupor, Barack let the unicorn to pleasure him with its mouth. His eyes rolled up into the sky, feeling the gentle sensation of the beast's soft lips rubbing against the skin of his cock, its saliva coating his shaft.
"Friendship, with benefits, is magic."
Obama's new equestrian friend turns out to be Princess Celestia, the immortal ruler of the My Little Pony kingdom, who ventured into the world of global politics to comfort Barack Obama in his time of extreme loneliness. Obama (who, at the time of this writing, is the leader of the free world) accompanies Celestia to her pony kingdom, at which point he is forced to consume a magical potion of horse semen in order to stay alive:
"The elixir is transfigured from my excretion."
And Celestia doesn't deliver the serum in a convenient squeeze bottle or aluminum can -- she straight up craps it into Barack Obama's mouth:
Celestia positions her rear end over him. She lifts her tail and squats with her hind legs. (...) Her body shakes, and slowly from her ass hole, a drip of creamy white liquid begins to stream out. It lands in Baracks mouth, and instantly he begins to savour the warm chocolaty taste.
"Forgive the grammatical errors. I was typing with one hand when I wrote this."
This raises several dozen questions about the biology of the creatures that inhabit the My Little Pony universe (or at least about what the author perceives it to be), and if you choose to investigate the matter further, we encourage you to never, ever share the results with us. Either way, we're considering everything we just read to be official MLP canon.
#5. Teen Wolf Has Amputee Sex With Characters from War and Peace
Derek Hale, a teen wolf from MTV's 2011 Teen Wolf reboot, is out werewolfing one night when he suddenly catches the scent of other shape-shifting angst beasts nearby. He tracks the smell to the house of Fyodor Dolokhov and Anatole Kuragin (Nate for short), two characters from Leo Tolstoy's 19th century historical/philosophical epic novel War and Peace, who, according to this fanfic, are also werewolves. This helps explain how two 150-year-old literary characters are still alive in the modern era, because otherwise that would be too much suspension of disbelief for readers to swallow. It is also the least insane part of this story.
Where It Gets Really Weird:
I need an omega. Alpha werewolves can impregnate any gender, but only omegas can bear fruit (...)
"And lose these abs? Fuck nah, bros."
Fyodor and Nate inform Derek that they're looking for another male werewolf to bear their children and were wondering if Derek would be up to the task (there is a whole subgenre within the fan fiction community about men impregnating other men called Alpha/Omega, because of course there is).
Understandably unsure about their offer, Derek talks it over with his uncle, who responds by kind of raping him. Forcible incest proves to be just the thing to clear Derek's mind, and he agrees to let the two 19th century Russian werewolves inflate his stomach with wolf infants.
The first order of business is to make Derek an Omega (a man who can become pregnant), a procedure Nate performs by plunging his amputated leg stump into Derek's ass. This is surprisingly different from what we remember from the hilarious 1994 Arnold Schwarzenegger male pregnancy comedy Junior.
"Seems scientific enough. Fuck yeah, bros."
Nate took advantage of [the] moment of confusion, and in one motion introduced his crippled leg [into] Derek, to the knee (...)
Suddenly, in the middle of their explosive all-male werewolf sex triangle, Derek realizes that his uncle might have gotten him pregnant earlier during that whole "rape" fiasco, and runs out of the house to get an abortion.
- Where are you going? - Nate asked in a sleepy voice.
- [I need an abortion!] (...) I'm sorry, you'll have to find someone else!
Then, in perhaps the most baffling twist of all, Fyodor and Nate reveal that in this universe, it's impossible for men to get pregnant, magical ceremony or not. They just made the whole thing up to trick Derek into bed with them, which was admittedly a bulletproof plan, because who could resist the allure of carrying the child of two leering strangers?
"Fuck why, bros?"
Once again, this scenario leaves us with numerous questions we suspect we'll never have the answer to, such as who is the audience for this? Is there a large segment of the erotic fan fiction consumer base that A) has read War and Peace, B) watches the MTV version of Teen Wolf, and C) has a male pregnancy fetish? Again, it's a question we're happy to leave unanswered.
#4. How to Train Your Dragon's Toothless Licks Chocolate off of Lilo & Stitch's Stitch
"An Experimental Encounter" opens with Lilo & Stitch's Stitch traveling back in time to the island of Berk, which, for those of you who don't commit DreamWorks films to memory, is where How to Train Your Dragon took place.
And where any fond memories you do have of this movie will go to die.
Stitch accidentally gets covered in chocolate (as one does), and Toothless, the endearing hero dragon from the aforementioned dragon-centric film, swoops down to lick the chocolate off of Stitch's underwear bulges. Stitch has no choice but to masturbate to completion, because on the island of Berk, there is no God:
The moaning little alien lets two paws slip to his cock, madly stroking as one branch of the forked tongue stretches him wide open and the other one tickles the base of his nuts. With a grunt the blue balled little critter squeezes hard, cumming into the grass (...)
Where It Gets Really Weird:
What transpires next is a vicious oral sex fest between Toothless and Stitch culminating in a gigantic bukkake shower:
With a roar the dragon climaxes, showering them both with a white rain of sticky warm dragon seed.
"Who trained you to do that?"
This of course leads to a sequence wherein Toothless impales Stitch on his giant dragon schlong like a nightmare kebab and begins flying around in parabolic arches:
As he does the alien shouts, fearful of crashing, loosening his sphincter enough that as the dragons pulls out of the dive, momentum and gravity manage to work him in a little deeper.
Are you picturing it? This is one of those times you should be thankful these stories aren't illustrated.
The look on that dragon's face suddenly became incredibly sinister.