'Tis the season to be horny, according to fan fiction writers. While most of us are reflecting on the year gone by, spending time with our loved ones, and racking up credit card debt so massive that we'll have to fake our own deaths by March, fanfic enthusiasts are cuddling up by the fire with a warm cup of cocoa and a story about Santa sexually assaulting the Gilmore girls.
I'm not here to judge how you spend the holidays. But don't ruin them with the following stories, which are so bizarre, they're almost impossible to masturbate to. Believe me, I tried.
Contrary to what you may believe, fan fiction isn't limited to fantasizing about imaginary characters. Real people have had oodles of erotic fanfics written about them, from Barack Obama and Lady Gaga to ... Johnathan Hillstrand from The Deadliest Catch.
"I'm just looking for a special lady out there to share my crabs with."
For those of you who aren't familiar with the show, it's about Alaskan crab fishermen and the many dangers they face, from fierce storms to seductive sirens trying to lure them to their doom (possibly, I don't watch it).
But even the angriest hydra pales in comparison to the task before Captain Hillstrand in Captain's First Hanukkah, which is having sex with his Jewish bride.
"So like I can't do what I did to you that time we were in Vegas?" He fondly recalled bending her over the back of a hotel room sofa and without permission entering her perfect ass only to be surprised when she didn't resist.
"Also surprised that I could afford a hotel in Vegas."
The author of this story is a Jew looking to provide gentiles with a crash course on being married to a devout partner, along with some fucking to help you pay attention, because apparently Hillstrand and his wife left discussing potentially relationship-ruining religious differences until their honeymoon. Among other things, women can't have sex when they're menstruating, and men can't masturbate because it's considered a waste of their seed. If you're jerking it to reality show fan fiction, I can't say I disagree. Also, it's important that we learn how good John is at oral sex.
"When we say the woman comes first ... we mean it quite literally." She smiled, arching her eyebrow. "Every time."
The research I did by carefully viewing Menschs With Wenches and Menschs With Wenches 2: Schlong All Night Long supports this claim. Luckily, it seems Captain Hillstrand can bring a woman to orgasm faster than he can ... shuck a crab, or whatever it is crab fishermen do.
Within seconds he had her panties off and was working her into a frenzy. She dug her nails into his back; no he definitely had no problems handling his end of the deal. Minutes later she was screaming his name, barely able to breathe.
Not bad for a guy who apparently named his ship after an obscure Terry Gilliam movie.
When all's said and done, we've learned that Jews are more open about sex than we realized, and also that Captain John really likes blow jobs. So if you've ever wanted to learn more about Judaism but felt that you'd only be able to absorb the information through the form of an erotic story about a reality star fisherman, today's your improbably lucky day. The rest of us will just experience inexplicable arousal whenever we see Deadliest Catch promos.
Now that we've learned a thing or two about the Jewish faith, let's ruin that progress with Eight Nights of Delights. This Twilight fanfic stars Bella Swanstein and Edward Cullenman, because how else could we possibly know that the author made the characters Jewish?
Maybe it was the abundance of kosher wine, but like bagels and lox our lips were drawn to each other. His hands caressed the sides of my face as he leaned down and looked into my eyes. This was so wrong but so right, like turkey bacon.
I honestly can't tell if this is a comedy or the world's lamest anti-Semitic screed. There are more references to Jewish practices than there are in the Torah. It reads like one long "Have you ever noticed how gentiles celebrate the holidays like this, but God's chosen people celebrate the holidays like this?" routine.
Carlos Santa Maria/iStock/Getty Images
"And what's the deal with kosher airline food?!"
The eight days of celebrating the Jewish rebellion against the Seleucid Empire, the rededication of the Holy Temple, and hand jobs, apparently, begin when Swanstein and Cullenman play Truth or Dreidel, where we learn fun facts, like Edward's erection is bigger than mine. Each of the following nights of what could very loosely be termed "delights" begins with Jewish cliches and ends with the exchange of bodily fluids. For example, on the second night they watch that Adam Sandler movie where he's a Jewish hairdresser. That sort of pain and suffering seems more appropriate for Yom Kippur, but I'm no theologian. In fact, this next excerpt made me an atheist.
I hitched up closer to Edward, licked his bottom lip with my tongue and wrapped my fingers through his bronze locks. I wondered if Edward could be considered a fire crotch.
Yes, let's all take a moment to speculate on the color of Edward's pubic hair. You may think that's bad, but any conversation not involving genitals is so full of forced oy veys, schleps, and meshugenahs that the orgasms actually seem less awkward. And then there's this gem:
Edward, being Edward, had called ahead and negotiated a rate so low, Esme and Carlisle would have taken it just to frame the bill.
"I'm an agnostic stock photo model from Eastern Europe who was paid to dress this way, and even I'm offended."
After six nights of eating latkes, lightning menorah candles, and having oral sex, Swanstein and Cullenman are ready for the climax of Hanukkah, pun unfortunately intended. They go all the way again on the final night but pause in the middle of coitus to light the menorah, an act that somehow seems more blasphemous than just forgetting.
He placed the menorah on the plate on top of the coffee table and lit all eight candles and the shamesh, the lead candle, before saying the blessing. "OK now I can give you your big present." He knelt down on top of me and leaned down to kiss me. I dug my nails into his ass, and pulled him back down on me, in me.
By the way, if you're wondering where Edward being a vampire comes into play, it doesn't. So, yes, this writer just tricked you into reading fan fiction between two non-superpowered humans having weird sex.
It's Christmas, and Dr. Gregory House is lonely and overworked. Also, he's a slave in an alternate universe where that's still legal. I probably should have led with that.
"Sir, this slave does have work to do for Doctor Cuddy. This slave is sorry ..." His voice trailed off as the other guard put a hand on his belly and rubbed him.
"No need to get into a panic, boy. It's Christmas."
House froze. His hands clutched at his jeans. No one had fucked his ass since -- the guard who'd disappeared, the obscene intern -- they had used jelly from doughnuts, stuffed his anus with food.
"I'd accuse this fan fiction writer of having a stroke if I wasn't so terrified of what he'd make of the potential wordplay."
We'll ignore the many, many questions about why slavery is still legal and how a wealthy, talented superdoctor could fall victim to it -- it's not explained, but the author has written other stories in the "Collar!Verse," and I don't have enough bourbon to get through them. Let's assume aliens had something to do with it and focus on the misery porn.
So a year after House unwrapped the Christmas gift of sexual assault, Stacy Warner gets permission to take him home on Christmas Eve. In the show, Stacy was an ex-girlfriend; in Six Days of Christmas, she's bought a "tag" for him, which as near as I can decipher makes him either her property or her boy toy. Either way, they've got a complicated relationship.
"Not for me!"
House seemed to have got relaxed enough about acting normal at home, not asking her permission to do things: and Stacy had relaxed enough that she could just ask him normally to get stuff done, help with the dishes, clean up a spill, change a light bulb, without feeling that she was ordering him about.
After a Christmas Eve more uncomfortable than the one where I was caught opening presents and only slightly less uncomfortable than the one where I was caught opening presents and then ejaculating on them, Stacy's brother and sister-in-law drop by. An unexpected visit from the family? Oh no! Classic sitcom/slave drama twist!
It goes well at first, but the truth comes out and the relatives get all "judgmental." Isn't that typical? It seems no family gathering can go without someone judging a relative for their politics, or their religion, or taking advantage of a systemically abused member of society.
Mark Bowden/iStock/Getty Images
"We still love you. We just don't approve of your lifestyle. Your lifestyle of endorsing slavery."
If you were expecting 12 Years a Fan Fiction Slave to have a happy ending, I'm sorry to disappoint you. We cut to next Christmas Eve -- House is getting in shit for misbehaving, Stacy's left both him and the hospital, and then this happens:
He screamed, muffled by the gag: when they took it out he screamed again and again, and couldn't shut up even when they cuffed the back of his head and shouted at him. It hurt too much. Something was wrong.
House gets stripped naked and locked in a tiny cage by angry guards, and the story ends with him in excruciating pain. So I guess the moral is that joy and comfort are at best a fleeting distraction from life's constant misery. Merry Christmas!