Yes, we literally meant "masturbate with a bottle of beer," not that he was merely holding one while masturbating. You're in the world of erotic fan fiction now, this is how we roll. So anyway, at this point a majestic unicorn suddenly alights in the garden, prances over to the masturbating Obama, and starts giving him a blow job. Truly there has never been a more firm assurance that we are in the land of fantastical make-believe than that sentence.
Where It Gets Really Weird:
Still in his stupor, Barack let the unicorn to pleasure him with its mouth. His eyes rolled up into the sky, feeling the gentle sensation of the beast's soft lips rubbing against the skin of his c**k, its saliva coating his shaft.
"Friendship, with benefits, is magic."
Obama's new equestrian friend turns out to be Princess Celestia, the immortal ruler of the My Little Pony kingdom, who ventured into the world of global politics to comfort Barack Obama in his time of extreme loneliness. Obama (who, at the time of this writing, is the leader of the free world) accompanies Celestia to her pony kingdom, at which point he is forced to consume a magical potion of horse semen in order to stay alive:
"The elixir is transfigured from my excretion."
And Celestia doesn't deliver the serum in a convenient squeeze bottle or aluminum can -- she straight up craps it into Barack Obama's mouth: