The other 23,000 words are spent fleshing out a massive episode of Metalocalypse. The author actually does a respectable job of imitating the show's style of absurdist humor, such as a scene wherein Toki, Dethklok's childlike rhythm guitarist with a tenuous grasp of the English language, orders a drink with a small umbrella:
"What? It's totally brutals," Toki said (...) "You can takes de umbrellas, stab somes-one in their eyes. Make greats album cover."
See, that's legitimately kind of funny and doesn't involve graphic descriptions of any characters ejaculating on each other. Author, if you're out there, just take out the gangbangs and submit it as a spec script. You were meant for more than this!
Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer Has Sex With the Biker Mice from Mars
Xander, the goofball smartass from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, gets stranded en route to dealing with some vampires in Chicago. He wanders into the Last Chance Garage, owned and operated by the Biker Mice from Mars, because Xander's bus evidently broke down in Bad '90s Cartoonville.
Because of the vampire problem in Chicago and a building sexual tension between him and one of the bikers, Xander ultimately decides to move in with the alien humanoid cartoon mice, with predictably sexy results.
Brentwood Television Funnies
"Biker Mice are from Mars, women are from Venus ... Looks like we'll have to make do."
Where It Gets Really Weird:
Hey, remember when we were impressed by the 25,000-word epic above? Well, this one is 90 episodes and over 1 million words of lusty sci-fi fan fiction in which Xander gives in to his passion and has sex with a Biker Mouse:
"I never used to but your fur is very soft. It's like a good velvet (...) I think I like fur. At least tan fur over really hard muscles and under leather and jeans." He stole another kiss then pulled back to rub himself against the soft fur. He moaned, shifting back to do it again. "Oh, yeah."
Fur and leather are big boner triggers for Xander, because apparently he always dreamed of fucking a couch.
"I will turn any sofa into a love seat."
Also, please notice that in this scene, Xander doesn't have a tail, whereas in the next chapter, he spontaneously grows one for no reason:
Then he laid down on top of the boy, his tail swishing in the air. That's what caught his attention. He looked back, flicking his tail. There was a second tail.
The tail is followed by fur and then full-on Martian antennae, effectively morphing Xander into a Biker Mouse.
Brentwood Television Funnies
It goes without saying that this transformation frees him up to have sex with sentient space motorcycles:
He grabbed the tease with his tail, planting him on his bike, face down so the vibrations would tease him.
"I feel like I'm part of a threesome. You mind, babe?" The bike shook her front wheel and slowly moved into deeper shadows.
In case we didn't stress this enough earlier, this fan fiction is over 1 million words long. That's longer than the longest novel in the English language, and it is fueled entirely by the author's desire to see cartoon mice have sex with the nerdy guy from Buffy. Hey, have you ever been so dedicated to a project?
Follow Eric on Twitter, or even better, check out the Webcomic he runs with his brother, Donuts for Sharks.
Related Reading: Okay, so the internet is a carnival of obscenity. But it's not like descriptions of ridiculously depraved sex acts are a modern thing. The Bible has a scene where Lot has drunk sex in a cave with his daughters. And while we're on the subject of religion, there's a surprising amount of sexy Christmas fan-fiction. And if you haven't had enough of being baffled by the Internet, read about the SWAT Kats fucking the town of Eureka.