#3. Get Buried in Your Favorite Vehicle
The ancient Egyptians believed that a man should be buried with all his possessions so that they would be available to him in the next world. Ninety-year-old Lonnie Holloway from Saluda, South Carolina, sought to bring this tradition back when he requested to be put to rest in the front seat of his vintage 1973 Pontiac Catalina. To which his family replied with a clear "Sure, why the fuck not?"
WLTX 19 via Manolith.com
"Oh no, we'll miss the car so much because we totally didn't hate it at all!"
Apparently Holloway thought that your first day in the afterlife is like the first day of high school and that you need to make an entrance in a cool car or else you won't get to sit at the popular table. As if this wasn't cool enough on its own, Holloway also requested that his family place a hundred-dollar bill in the pocket of his suit and that his gun collection be buried along with him. Clearly his conception of the next life was less "pearly gates" and more "GTA Vice City meets Death Race 2000."
Holloway might have had the most baller funeral around, but he still couldn't match the hands-down crazy of a Puerto Rican man who, at his wake, was embalmed and posed sitting on a motorcycle in the middle of the funeral home.
Primera Hora via Autoblog
We should probably take a second to apologize for calling a dead man crazy before something fucked up happens.
During the three-day wake, the recently deceased David Morales Colon was displayed to the public leaning over the top of his sports bike as if he was just about to slide it under an 18-wheeler. He was dressed in his normal street clothes, including a hat and dark sunglasses, presumably so his friends could drive him out into the world and engage in some Weekend at Bernie's-style shenanigans.
His relatives said that their reason for rejecting the traditional "not posing a dead guy on a motorbike" method of funerals was because riding bikes was Colon's hobby. We think we should all breathe a sigh of relief that he wasn't also an avid nudist.
Primera Hora via Autoblog
And apparently, another hobby of his was being Ice-T.
#2. Be a Player at a Palm Mortuary Vegas-Style Funeral
If you can have a Vegas-style wedding, why not a Vegas-style funeral? Seriously, name one reason that doesn't include the words "tacky," "undignified," or "might cause a superior alien race to exterminate us."
"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Forever."
Palm Mortuary in Las Vegas allows you to personalize the shit out of your future funeral. For example, if you're really into casinos, you can totally have giant decked-out playing cards and slot machines next to the box containing your mortal remains, plus a roulette wheel done in flowers. They're even willing to go so far as to take out the traditional stickers on the slots and put your photo in their place. And yes, the reels spin like in a real machine.
But this is just one of the many themed funerals Palm Mortuary offers, which range from $1,000 to $3,000. If you're into golf, there's a golf-themed option where the casket is surrounded by giant clubs and "golf bags filled with floral bouquets made with golf balls." Or if you like Westerns, there's a version that includes hay, cacti, a plastic pony, and a massive cowboy boot.
Carinoa Casas via Utsandiego.com
Because nothing describes a personality better than a massive cowboy boot.
If you're looking for something a little more affordable, Bunkers Mortuary, also in Vegas, offers coffins adorned with the city's fabulous logo and Elvis impersonators who sing during the reception. No word on whether they can officiate at the ceremony, too.
That's weird ... usually in Vegas, they just bury you in the desert with no coffin at all.
For Palm Mortuary, the only caveat is that the funeral must be "dignified and legal." Considering that their definition of the first word is pretty loose, perhaps the second one can also be stretched and you can get some of those Chinese strippers to perform lewd acts in front of everyone.
#1. Get Quick Condolences With a Drive-Through Funeral
We've all had to attend the funeral of someone we didn't know very well, or at all, and just awkwardly stood there for an hour trying to look as somber as possible for the benefit of the bereaved. But that's just how it is, right? Everyone knows that only a fraction of the people who attend the ceremony willingly stick around for more than five minutes, but what are we supposed to do? Set up drive-through funerals for those in a rush?
That's exactly what a funeral home in Compton, Los Angeles, did: You simply drive in, look at the casket set up on display on the other side of the glass for as long as you feel like, and drive out. The manager says that the parlor is convenient for old people who find it hard to walk and lazy people who find it hard to give a fuck about their acquaintance's death.
"I'll have two large burgers with- Oh. Shit, I'm so sorry."
And they aren't the only ones to do this. In the 1980s, a drive-through funeral home in Chicago was set up exactly like a McDonald's. Mourners drove up to a speakerphone and pushed a button to give their "order" (that is, say the name of the person they'd come to see). Then they drove up to a "viewing area" where they could see the deceased's face on a 25-inch screen. The picture only lasted three seconds, but they could keep pushing a button to see it again for as long as they wanted.
The irony of viewing someone who had died in a drive-by shooting would open up a portal to another dimension.
The creator of this system, former construction worker Lafayette Gatling, found the comparison to fast food chains insulting. You know who else might find this a tad insulting? The dead dude who got put behind a window like some damned cheesecake. Yeah, if you put someone up for display like this, you can bet they'll haunt your ass for the rest of your life.