7 Insane Festivals You Won't Believe Are Legal
Ah, the holidays: A time to give thanks, spend time with family, eat good food, light your neighbors on fire, rub engine oil in grandma's eyes, get drunk, fight a bull and dress up in a white tuxedo to ward off the furious ghosts of fish. What, that doesn't sound like your holidays? Well, friend, it sounds like you've been celebrating the wrong ones. Let's get that calendar of yours set straight.
#7. Batalla de la Rata Muerta: City-Sized Food Fight Featuring a Dead Rat
In the annual Fiesta de San Pedro Nolasco, instead of a pinata they have something called a "cucana." It's a very similar concept, except that with the cucana, the chances of candy are only 50-50. The other 50 is a dead rat. Which is then retrieved from the ground and used as a projectile because fuck-you-I-didn't- get-candy.
"Hey, let me get in on that."
The festival is named for Pedro Nolasco, a Catholic saint whose primary claim to fame was the founding of a religious order that sought the redemption of Christian slaves of the Moors in the 1200s. Then, obviously, a plague-dodgeball tournament was decided to be the most appropriate way to celebrate his canonization.
Uh, thanks, guys, but "The Patron Saint of Ratball" really wasn't what I was going for ...
#6. Las Bolas de Fuego: Fireball Festival
In 1922, an erupting volcano forced the people of Nejapa, El Salvador, to evacuate. As they were leaving, locals saw great balls of fire spewing out of the volcano and believed that their patron saint, San Jeronimo, was actually fighting the devil for them. So to honor this event, where their heroic saint saved the villagers from burning alive, everybody gets together once a year and burns each other alive.
Getty
"That volcano is a wussy little bitch!"
The city divides itself into two teams, then everybody wads up some old rags, dips them in kerosene for a month, sets them ablaze and hurls them at their neighbors, because apparently Jeronimo was the Patron Saint of Arson. Sure, the revelers mostly come equipped with water-soaked gloves, clothes and masks for safety, but you can only prepare for Armageddon if you know it's coming in the first place. If you just happen to stumble into the wrong village on the wrong day, however, then surprise!
Happy Burn Ward Day!
#5. Bous a la Mar: Diving Bulls
In Spain, there are many ways to be maimed or killed by bulls. But it is a free land, so it's up to you to pick your favorite.
What's that? Ha ha, no: "None of the above" is not an option.
Getty
"Neither is 'sane.'"
For the discriminating gore victim, might we suggest Bous a la Mar -- the Bulls to the Sea? There is no "running of the bulls" here; it's nothing so uncouth as that. The objective of Bous a la Mar is simply to get a bull to dive after you into the ocean. Do not scoff. It is not such an easy task. You must drive the bull into a blind rage first, then, when he charges, you flee, ultimately leaping into the sea -- not to avoid him, you see, but in the hopes that he will follow. That's how you "win." To recap: You provoke a suicidal rage in this gargantuan missile of meat and pointy bits, then you need to outrun him, then you need to outdive him, then you need to outswim him.
It's like a triathlon of animal-based suicide.
Fernando Bustamante / AP
"Pissed off Bull to Bull HQ: Transformation locked, initiating Missile Mode. Repeat: Bull Missile is go."
#4. Lantern Festival: Molten-Iron-Throwing
Once upon a time, the peasants of a poor Chinese farming village found that they couldn't afford fireworks for the annual Lantern Festival. But the industrious citizens didn't let that stop them. Instead, with careful research, they discovered that hurling molten iron (at around 2,300 degrees Fahrenheit, to be precise) against a cold wall in autumn looks kind of neat. So now, every year -- for the last 300 years -- they just go ahead and do that a bunch.
China Travel Guide
All the best holidays require welding masks.
The festivities begin with the townspeople collecting all the old pots and discarded iron to melt down, then they watch an hourlong performance called Da Shuhua, or "beating the tree to produce flowers" (the burning kind of flowers, in case Chinese metaphor is too subtle for you), and then everybody just holds hands while the world explodes.
So what's the technique for pulling off this dangerous pyrotechnics show? It's very technical, so see if you can stay with us:
Step 1. Get a guy in a wool coat and hat to toss liquid metal with a ladle.
China Travel Guide
Step 1 is critical.
Step 2. What?
Step 3. We were supposed to think of other steps?
Step 4. Holy shit WATCH OUT FIRE!
Holi is pretty awesome and the poison is not all that widespread ... Saying this from personal experience .....
Reply"gargantuan missile of meat and pointy bits"
ReplyLOL.
Seriously, the f*****g spanish, man.
ReplyCracked, can you please write a "random guys with balls of steel" article and include the guy who appears around 2:21 in the video for #3? The bull knocks one of the people to the ground and starts headbutting him around, then while everyone is trying to get him to safety, this random guy jumps into the shot and grabs the bull by the tail. Even after he's managed to get the bull distracted from everyone else, he runs around after it for a few seconds still holding on. Pretty impressive.
ReplyHoly hell, a fireball festival ? For real ?
ReplyI think I spontaneously caught fire.
lol'ed at "Of course." and "triathlon of animal-based suicide".
But holi also involves the consumption of copious amounts of "bhang" which is Indian for Marijuana. And its legal :D
Replythe powders used for holi were traditionally made from herbs, but companies decided to "manufacture" the holi powders on a large scale. by manufacture, they meant "replace it with our industrial waste". and people went and bought them anyway, because, of course big companies wouldn't lie to us about using chemicals in their products, and big companies are always better than hand made toxin free powders used for centuries. people have wised up to it, though, and nowadays make their own, or buy holi powder from trusted brands.
ReplyMOOORREEENNAAAA FOOOREEEVEEER!!!
ReplyIf only there were more videos of stupid spanish assholes getting raped by bulls.
ReplySpanish?...dude those things are tourist attractions. More likely to find an American there than a Spaniard
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! This is f*****g brilliant!!
ReplyOh f**k this article is awesome! Antballs away!
ReplyPlease tell me someone is waiting to catch the goat for the festivals.
ReplyIt says so in the article. The video was edited to hide that bit because then the animal rights association that made it wouldn't have a lie to piss animal loving people off enough to protest.
TINKU in Potosí, Bolivia: Basically a ritual battle, where everybody, everywhere in this mining town fights against each other: men and women participate, but women must be single, they are allowed to throw stones to the guys they like...Now, the fight goes on until BLOOD is SHED and preferably someone gets killed... (usually by the time the whole town receives the news it is too late for preventing a couple more people beign killed). ONLY THEN they start drinking and dancing... BTW you´re not invited, local authorities and even the army have not being able to control the town during the celebrations since... let's see... ever... there are not even photographs of the real deal because in case the locals see you, guess what? If you think this is weird, be informed that actually this town was the richest place on earth and the biggest city in the Western Hemisphere during the 17th and part of the 18th century even then they had TINKUS.
ReplyPics or it didn't happen.
same thing in peru... don´t remember the town though...
Entroido makes me think of Mastodons latest album, dunno why though?
ReplyThe lesson here is that he best and wildest parties will always be in spanish speaking lands.
ReplyBull Missile: When a regular missile won't cut it.
ReplyBull Missile: HERE's the beef, motherfuckers.
What the f**k Japan...why aren't you on this list?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesJapan talked to Cracked and had all of its stuff removed and replaced by snorg Ts.
Japan is going to be the next festival article.
What does Japan do? The craziest thing I can think of is their naked festival.
Japan's craziness is a subtle insanity that permeates everything—just...all of the things—so it isn't always obvious on its face. It is only through the slow realization that every facet of the culture is lightly dusted with batshit lunacy that one truly appreciates how goddamned weird that country is.
I learned about holi from that tv show outsourced. God that show sucked.
ReplyWho could have predicted that a show featuring shallow, unlikable characters and palpable racism would fail?
I went to the Holi Festival in Spanish Fork Utah (there is a Hare Krishna temple there, unexpected, I know). Due to the cold weather at the end of March, we use colored corn starch but it is SO much fun! Great food, lots of people, and oddly awesome music. Plus throwing handfuls of colorful stuff at other people and getting hugged for doing so instead of hit.
ReplyYou know what... this may have been called 5 Spanish celebrations with little rhyme or reason. Its pretty much Spanish or Spanish colony celebrations which seem more pagan than pagans themselves, and thrice as messed up and confusing.
ReplySeriously, why do we give Japan a hard time when Spain is just as alien and yet a much closer culture?