Even though we're living in the 21st century, we still live with the mundane and boring reality of public bathrooms. And though, as we've shown you before, there are some clever bathrooms out there, for the most part we still haven't tapped our creative potential. But there are still a few people out there thinking outside the box. And outside the box is where horror lives.
Who shits with their coat on?
You'd have no problem taking a crap in that bathroom, right? After all, the glass is one-way. Those dozens of tourists aren't staring at you while you're straining on that toilet, they're simply looking at a mirrored box and trying to figure out why it's making fart sounds.
That's a real public bathroom in London. Actually, it started life as an art exhibit called Don't Miss a Sec, making it possibly the only artwork in the world that you're not only allowed to defecate on, but expected to. From the outside, it looks like the bathroom the Predator would use:
"If it poops we can kill it."
The artist, Monica Bonvicini, claims that the idea is that you can answer the call of nature without having to stop looking at things (the bathroom was erected near an art exhibition), but we suspect that what she was really doing was seeing if anyone was trusting enough to take a leak in there without assuming that the walls would turn transparent and a group of Japanese businessmen would crowd around to watch.
And people will be watching. A weird, mirrored space-cube in the middle of the sidewalk is the kind of thing that gets your attention. Just imagine trying to take a dump while a curious child cups his hands over the glass and starts staring directly toward your private areas.
"Oh, don't mind me, I'll just be leaning against the box you're about to poop in."
Or a window cleaner casually takes out a squeegee and starts wiping down the glass, whistling, as you try to squeeze out a deuce.
He used a fire hose full of Lysol to clean the inside.
Really, we're hesitant enough already to use public bathrooms, so we could do without the performance anxiety. Also, you won't be able to use it without wondering if the last person was an exhibitionist who was jerking off the whole time.
Note: We apologize for that "Japanese businessmen" crack earlier, we shouldn't be stereotyping Japan as having some kind of weird toilet fascination. Now on to our next entry ...
We'll just say that "Player 2" had better eat a lot of fiber.
Have you ever wondered what happened to Sega after it gave up on the console business? Other than making terrible Sonic games? It turns out they never really went away -- above is their contribution to the current generation of gaming systems. We're not being sarcastic, that's actually it.
The Sega Toylet appears in Tokyo's metro stations, and it comes with sensors in the base of the urinal that can measure your pee stream's force and location of impact. It then uses that information to control one of four games that grade you on your performance, which is pretty much the last thing anyone needs to worry about, given the circumstances.
In one game, for example, your dick is a fire hose that you use to blast graffiti off a wall:
This is it. This is the apex of civilization.
But then there's "Milk from Nose," which will completely ruin your bathroom experience if you get the slightest bit of stage fright. Essentially, it pits you against the last person to use the urinal to see whose stream is the strongest, so the whole time, the toilet is screaming at you to pee harder while this bullshit is on the screen in front of you:
We're just glad they went with "Milk from Nose."
Yep, that's pretty Japanese. But then there's "The North Wind and Her," in which your pee power controls the wind that you're using to blow up the skirt of an anime girl.
Considering that pee is involved, we're kind of shocked at Japan's restraint on this one.
And here's the kicker: You can download your high scores to your flash drive. Just wait until your friends see that you pissed 347 milliliters! That'll show 'em! We guess!
Make Taste Not Waste
"Run away! It's hatching!"
Those huge alien toilet eggs are at an award-winning restaurant and bar in London called sketch. And by virtue of the fact that they insist upon spelling "sketch" with a lowercase "s," you can already bet that it's not going to look like any ordinary restaurant. True to form, it looks more like some kind of space station, or at least what they thought space stations were going to look like in the '60s.
This must be where the Enterprise crew held their key parties.
So it's not surprising that they didn't just stick a bunch of ordinary toilets in the back as an afterthought. After you've swilled enough champagne out of a shoe (or whatever you'd order at a place like this) and you need to tinkle, you travel up a winding white staircase ...
"Is the vaginal theme clear enough in this room? We want to make sure no one misses it."
... until you end up here:
It's like Alien meets IKEA.
Just in case you're worried that you've stumbled into the aliens' breeding chamber and they are about to loose their unholy spawn upon you, there is always an attendant on duty to explain that, yes, these free-standing egg-shaped pods are what you pee into. Apparently, each pod plays eerie music and sounds when you're inside, which we guess is supposed to put you at ease. Or, alternatively, scare you more so that you do what you came to do much faster.