Or a window cleaner casually takes out a squeegee and starts wiping down the glass, whistling, as you try to squeeze out a deuce.

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Really, we're hesitant enough already to use public bathrooms, so we could do without the performance anxiety. Also, you won't be able to use it without wondering if the last person was an exhibitionist who was jerking off the whole time.

Note: We apologize for that "Japanese businessmen" crack earlier, we shouldn't be stereotyping Japan as having some kind of weird toilet fascination. Now on to our next entry ...

The Sega Toylet appears in Tokyo's metro stations, and it comes with sensors in the base of the urinal that can measure your pee stream's force and location of impact. It then uses that information to control one of four games that grade you on your performance, which is pretty much the last thing anyone needs to worry about, given the circumstances.

In one game, for example, your dick is a fire hose that you use to blast graffiti off a wall:

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But then there's "Milk from Nose," which will completely ruin your bathroom experience if you get the slightest bit of stage fright. Essentially, it pits you against the last person to use the urinal to see whose stream is the strongest, so the whole time, the toilet is screaming at you to pee harder while this bullshit is on the screen in front of you:

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Yep, that's pretty Japanese. But then there's "The North Wind and Her," in which your pee power controls the wind that you're using to blow up the skirt of an anime girl.

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And here's the kicker: You can download your high scores to your flash drive. Just wait until your friends see that you pissed 347 milliliters! That'll show 'em! We guess!

Those huge alien toilet eggs are at an award-winning restaurant and bar in London called sketch. And by virtue of the fact that they insist upon spelling "sketch" with a lowercase "s," you can already bet that it's not going to look like any ordinary restaurant. True to form, it looks more like some kind of space station, or at least what they thought space stations were going to look like in the '60s.

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So it's not surprising that they didn't just stick a bunch of ordinary toilets in the back as an afterthought. After you've swilled enough champagne out of a shoe (or whatever you'd order at a place like this) and you need to tinkle, you travel up a winding white staircase ...

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... until you end up here:

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Just in case you're worried that you've stumbled into the aliens' breeding chamber and they are about to loose their unholy spawn upon you, there is always an attendant on duty to explain that, yes, these free-standing egg-shaped pods are what you pee into. Apparently, each pod plays eerie music and sounds when you're inside, which we guess is supposed to put you at ease. Or, alternatively, scare you more so that you do what you came to do much faster.

Look, public bathrooms are horrifying. To even get to the seat, you have to wade through a lake of mystery liquid that, by the laws of logistical probability, very likely isn't water. And when you arrive, you find that the last person to use it had worse aim than a villain's henchman in a James Bond movie. If only we had the technology to build a public bathroom that cleaned itself after the last terrible human being defiled it. Well, now we do -- a number of high-tech self-cleaning toilets have opened in New York, complete with a prestigious toilet-paper-cutting ceremony. We wish that was a joke we made there, but it really happened. And these things serve only to prove the old adage that you should be careful what you wish for.

First of all, you have to pay a quarter to use them, which is an inconvenience, but understandable. But the truly horrifying part is that you only get 15 minutes to do your business. Tough luck if you're struggling with that last burrito. An alarm goes off when there are only three minutes left, warning you that, by God, those doors are opening whether you're done or not. If you do manage to finish, you get a generous three strips of toilet paper to clean yourself up.

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After you leave, the bathroom turns into a self-cleaning robot befitting Skynet. Once the doors close, an arm comes down, cleans the toilet seat and blows it dry while high-powered jets spray seven gallons of water across the floor.

The bathroom floor has both a maximum and minimum weight sensor, both so the timer doesn't start until you are inside and so the cleaning process doesn't start and scald you to death with boiling water before you exit. There's something a little disquieting about the fact that you're only one malfunction away from scalding water in the face at any given moment.

This comes after Seattle removed five similar toilets that it spent $5 million on after they became filthy and full of drug abusers and prostitutes. As it turns out, people still found a way to leave a mess in self-cleaning toilets, and the city finally decided to remove them when it learned that even the homeless people who went in there to smoke crack refused to use them due to how filthy they were. This is why we can't have nice things, Seattle.